Michael may not have won a trip to the Young and the Restless, but he sure knows how to execute that sappy dialogue. In tonight’s episode of Big Brother, Cowboy won the America’s Choice prize of getting to talk to his loved ones for five minutes. Why people? Why do the fathers always get to call home? Are we supposed to feel badly that they left their child to pursue fifteen minutes of fame on reality TV? Okay, maybe it isn’t as simple as that. I know in the case of Michael he’s trying to win the money for his family; so if you’re about to send an angry missive about my dispassionate disposition – there’s no need. Besides, I just attended a poetry slam; so I have a whole new set of disses and comebacks. Bring it!Actually, for all my ranting and raving, I want to thank you, America, for selecting Michael because his phone call was hi-larious. I’m not talking a chuckle-worthy Marvin diary room comment. I’m saying it was so funny I had to put a hyphen in the middle of “hilarious”. I think we all knew Michael would win the vote (see the father rule above), but I did enjoy hearing the other guests plead their cases. Adria said that a call from home would mean oh so much to her. It’s been a rough time for her in the house. She hasn’t had family contact in all of two days. Personally, I’d like the producers to play a cruel joke on her and say “Guess what, house guests? We’re bringing Natalie into the house” and then send in Mindy Cohn. But that’s just me.
Well, the next day, the Big Brother-supplied cell phone started ringing. It took the house guests a few moments to realize what was going on. They treated the phone as if it were some magical rock whose spirit seemed to be coming alive. Someone actually had to prompt Drew to answer it, and not a second too soon: with the T-Mobile chime repeatedly ringing, I half expected Catherine Zeta-Jones to burst through the double-sided mirrors and yell “Get more, goddammit!!!!”
Anyway, this cellular confusion begat a teary call home from Michael to his fiance, April. Now, I know that people sometimes sound weird on the phone or change their inflections, but Michael full on turned his voice into the equivalent of a “Toot toot!” on a tugboat cartoon (I will also accept “Choo choo!” as voiced by Charla and Mirna a few weeks ago on The Amazing Race). In an attempt to hold back his tears, Michael’s voice reached new realms of falsetto, and when his kid Chason began crying on the phone, it probably was because he thought his dad had turned into a boiling tea kettle.
I did feel badly for Chason, but my empathy was soon replaced with laughter when Cowboy began talking to his fiance again. The two of them engaged in the kind of cornball dialogue that I’d come to expect only in cheesy Sergio Mendes songs from the 80s. Don’t believe me? Let’s compare:
Michael and April:
Michael: I’m gonna kiss you and I won’t let go of you, I promise.
April: You promise?
Michael: I promise. I miss you so much.
I’m never gonna let you go
I’m gonna hold you in my arms forever…
…Oh, I swear this time
I’m never gonna let you go
Okay, well, maybe it’s not a perfect match, but dammit if I can’t get that song out of my head now. The good news about this entire treacly affair was that it was nowhere nearly as cloying as last year’s sobfest with Robert and his daughter and their annoying butterfly blabbing.
Oh, but look at me spending all my time on America’s Choice. There was actually quite a good amount of show tonight – nominations and veto competition. This meant the episode had to get right down to business by quickly recapping Marvin’s controversial Head of Household victory. Random aside – I love how every episode of Big Brother seems to open with this intense Matrix music. I always expect Keanu Reeves and Carrie Ann Moss to come running into the room in bullet time, which would be especially funny because Cowboy would most likely wind up saying “Shewt!”, but in slo-mo, it would be more like “Shhhhheewwwwwtt!” Okay, I don’t know why I keep creating fantasy scenarios where pop culture figures enter the Big Brother house, but it would be cool, you have to admit.
Anyway, with Marvin as HOH, the household was understandably nervous. Adria snacked away on a box of Cheez-Its (she’s eating Holly!!!) while Nakomis regaled Drew with stories of fetish parties and dominatrixes and body piercings. The poor guy looked like a deer in the headlights. I really do fear that his brain will explode one day.
As far as the nominations were concerned, Marvin cut a deal with Diane and her crew and promised them safety if they would look out for a brotha the next week. It might have been an effective strategy had Diane not blabbed about it to her whole posse. I guess Marvin should have hitched his wagon onto the Adria/Cowboy train and tried to pull Drew along too because I don’t seriously think he’ll be safe next week, and now he won’t have the numbers if the Nakomis group turns on him. Oh Marvin. Maybe you should spend less time making your head look like a chalked up Etch-A-Sketch and more time thinking strategy.
Luckily Marvin was relatively brief during his nomination ceremony when he put Adria and Michael on the hot seat. He gave some BS reason for nominating Adria by saying that he respects her so much that he wants to see her fight her way off the block. I guess he just doesn’t respect the others very much, so he’ll ensure that his disdain for them will be rewarded by another guaranteed week in the house.
In a mild rehash of last week, Adria went and bullied someone into being her veto partner. Karen was the lucky victim this week which was really fortuitous for Adria because the New Jersey portrait artist actually won the veto! Oh wait, but she didn’t use it. There was no surprise on that front actually. Adria did seem to be rocking the challenge, which was a creative ice melting game that proved to be extremely exciting for me. Michael and Drew furthered their occasional caveman reputations by trying to chip away at ice with the weak plastic heel of a Super Soaker instead of using more common methods such as warm water or even body heat. At the end of the day though, it was Karen who stunned everyone by winning the competition.
It was sweet Big Brother irony that Karen wound up with the golden power of veto. No one really expected her to use it, but I felt happy for her that she finally officially won a competition. I guess Christmas came early for Karen this year. Literally. Just before the end of the show we glimpsed a shot of her sitting in a green knit sweater that just seemed to say “To Karen, Merry Christmas! Love, Grandma”.
Adria’s days seem to be numbered, which means the jury house will continue to be the most increasingly awkward getaway in the tropics. It looks like Will’s Karma boomerang might just be coming ’round for a second trip.