One never knows what one will run into at a Hollywood party, but one thing is certain: free booze. To put it mildly, I had my share, so only now am I really gathering my thoughts. I’m not sure how exactly to go about this and still successfully plug my new website YAYsports! so I think a bullet-point list will have to do.
A full rundown after the jump…
- I happened to get shuttled over to the party from the hotel with the Sovereign Six, which was a lot of fun. There was much laughing about how the Nerd Herd wasn’t speaking to each other, this person was mad at that person, etc. The S6, meanwhile, got along great. Howie was the star of the show on the ride over — everyone was entertained, and he’s exactly like you’d expect him to be from watching on TV.
- More Howie: in the middle of all of this, my older brother called me to tell me he and his wife were having a baby. Howie grabbed my ass literally as my bro was telling me and I said “That’s awesome!” I’m 98% sure Howie thinks I’m gay now.
- I was determined to get pictures with each of the nerds and with the help of B-Side was successful. Jennifer was first. It was fairly uneventful, but I have a Jennifer story from earlier. Before the party, the cast was asked to sign a bunch of promotional groupshots I assume they’ll be auctioned for hurricane people or something. Anyway, the entire time, she was pouting and rolling her eyes. She was like a machine: sign, pout, roll; sign, pout, roll; sign, pout, roll. Amazing.
- April was next, and I showered her with false praise, which was my favorite thing to do to these people. I let her know I was shocked that they played that footage of her calling everyone in America shitty or whatever she said, and I was sure she didnt mean it. She thanked me and gave me the classic “I dont even remember saying that!” I’m going to use that in my upcoming libel trial — apparently in Texas not remembering doing something makes it all okay.
- I want to get you something about everyone, so here’s a quick rundown on people I didn’t interact with much. Maggie — boring. Maggie’s parents — nice, boring. James and Sarah — really cool, I just didnt spend much time with them. Rachel — same thing. Ivette and Beau were both very nice, and yes, Tush is HOT. Kaysar and Janelle were both swamped all night. Michael is awesome to hang out with — very fun, very energetic. I met John Henson, who used to do Talk Soup on E!. I have no idea what he’s doing now, but I told him I love it, ’cause that’s how one does things out here.
Awww… Maggie and her dad have the same purse!
- There’s a great picture out there of me and Marcellas, who was a super-nice guy. He asked me if I wanted to meet Gretchen — at this point I was pretty drunk, and just said really simply, “Nah, not really.” She was standing right next to him. One of many times I would stick my foot in my mouth.
FauxMichael embraces Marcellas. No love for Gretchen though.
- My first Eric experience was fairly early in the evening. I met him over by the catering set-up (which was excellent, btw). I told him I was his biggest fan and couldn’t stand that scumbag Kaysar. His wife was really appreciative and said that he really needs any fans he can get. Little did she know I had written a blog which got 82% of its content out of calling him a dwarf.
Little side note about the caterers. One of them was convinced I was an actor from some sitcom, so I went ahead and ran with it. He’s currently scouring his cable menu for some show called “Manson House” on the WB.
- The second Eric encounter was much later on, and honestly it was the last thing I truly remember about the night, because he was so pissed off. This was either because he had to leave early the next day, because I told him a few times Michael is a great guy, or because I kept touching his head and going “Oooh it’s so smooth, man.” The pic on TVgasm’s wrap-up really doesnt do the whole thing justice, because the look on my face in that picture is something like this.
- One of the personal highlights for me was meeting producer Arnold Shapiro. Here’s about how it went:
FauxMichael, double-fisting beers, stumbles up to Shapiro.
FauxMichael: Dude, I can so fix your show!
FauxMichael: You need a day where like you put everyone in monkey suits and then like they have to act like gorillas all day or they lose all their points!
Long, awkward silence.
FauxMichael: All right, I’ll talk to you later, man.
If someone can explain to me how I got it in my head that BB6 has some sort of point system, I’d appreciate it. Also, if there’s a gorilla-suit day on BB7 (which they announced has been picked up!), I’m going on the offensive.
- Apparently I called my mom at 5 in the morning to tell her that Janelle is hot. She was like “Thanks, I figured you were in jail or something.” Of course, I was in jail, but I didnt want to tell her that, so I said a simple and lovely “bbbblllllllaaaaarrrrgghghhh!” and hung up.
All in all, it was a fine evening, and you can be assured the fine people at TVgasm aren’t nearly the degenerates as I am. In conclusion, go read my new website YAYsports!
B-Side adds: FauxMichael is so modest. He almost didn’t mention that this happened too:
Moments after this, some girl came up to Shannon and said, “Oh, you’re from American Pie, aren’t you?”
Yeah, because she hasn’t heard THAT for the past six years.