More From Inside the Big Brother Wrap Party

Big Brother

By Guest Columnist | Saturday, September 24, 2005 | 2:35 pm | 34 Comments
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By FauxMichael

One never knows what one will run into at a Hollywood party, but one thing is certain: free booze. To put it mildly, I had my share, so only now am I really gathering my thoughts. I’m not sure how exactly to go about this and still successfully plug my new website YAYsports! so I think a bullet-point list will have to do.

A full rundown after the jump…

  1. I happened to get shuttled over to the party from the hotel with the Sovereign Six, which was a lot of fun. There was much laughing about how the Nerd Herd wasn’t speaking to each other, this person was mad at that person, etc. The S6, meanwhile, got along great. Howie was the star of the show on the ride over — everyone was entertained, and he’s exactly like you’d expect him to be from watching on TV.
  2. More Howie: in the middle of all of this, my older brother called me to tell me he and his wife were having a baby. Howie grabbed my ass literally as my bro was telling me and I said “That’s awesome!” I’m 98% sure Howie thinks I’m gay now.
  3. I was determined to get pictures with each of the nerds and with the help of B-Side was successful. Jennifer was first. It was fairly uneventful, but I have a Jennifer story from earlier. Before the party, the cast was asked to sign a bunch of promotional groupshots I assume they’ll be auctioned for hurricane people or something. Anyway, the entire time, she was pouting and rolling her eyes. She was like a machine: sign, pout, roll; sign, pout, roll; sign, pout, roll. Amazing.
    4. IMG_1226
    Dumb.
  4. April was next, and I showered her with false praise, which was my favorite thing to do to these people. I let her know I was shocked that they played that footage of her calling everyone in America shitty or whatever she said, and I was sure she didnt mean it. She thanked me and gave me the classic “I dont even remember saying that!” I’m going to use that in my upcoming libel trial — apparently in Texas not remembering doing something makes it all okay.
  5. I want to get you something about everyone, so here’s a quick rundown on people I didn’t interact with much. Maggie — boring. Maggie’s parents — nice, boring. James and Sarah — really cool, I just didnt spend much time with them. Rachel — same thing. Ivette and Beau were both very nice, and yes, Tush is HOT. Kaysar and Janelle were both swamped all night. Michael is awesome to hang out with — very fun, very energetic. I met John Henson, who used to do Talk Soup on E!. I have no idea what he’s doing now, but I told him I love it, ’cause that’s how one does things out here.
    6. IMG_1236IMG_1232
    Awww… Maggie and her dad have the same purse!
  6. There’s a great picture out there of me and Marcellas, who was a super-nice guy. He asked me if I wanted to meet Gretchen — at this point I was pretty drunk, and just said really simply, “Nah, not really.” She was standing right next to him. One of many times I would stick my foot in my mouth.
    7. IMG_1240
    FauxMichael embraces Marcellas. No love for Gretchen though.
  7. My first Eric experience was fairly early in the evening. I met him over by the catering set-up (which was excellent, btw). I told him I was his biggest fan and couldn’t stand that scumbag Kaysar. His wife was really appreciative and said that he really needs any fans he can get. Little did she know I had written a blog which got 82% of its content out of calling him a dwarf.

    8. Little side note about the caterers. One of them was convinced I was an actor from some sitcom, so I went ahead and ran with it. He’s currently scouring his cable menu for some show called “Manson House” on the WB.

  8. The second Eric encounter was much later on, and honestly it was the last thing I truly remember about the night, because he was so pissed off. This was either because he had to leave early the next day, because I told him a few times Michael is a great guy, or because I kept touching his head and going “Oooh it’s so smooth, man.” The pic on TVgasm’s wrap-up really doesnt do the whole thing justice, because the look on my face in that picture is something like this.
  9. One of the personal highlights for me was meeting producer Arnold Shapiro. Here’s about how it went:

    FauxMichael, double-fisting beers, stumbles up to Shapiro.

    FauxMichael: Dude, I can so fix your show!

    Shapiro: Huh?

    FauxMichael: You need a day where like you put everyone in monkey suits and then like they have to act like gorillas all day or they lose all their points!

    Shapiro: Huh?

    Long, awkward silence.

    FauxMichael: All right, I’ll talk to you later, man.

    FauxMichael leaves.

    If someone can explain to me how I got it in my head that BB6 has some sort of point system, I’d appreciate it. Also, if there’s a gorilla-suit day on BB7 (which they announced has been picked up!), I’m going on the offensive.

  10. Apparently I called my mom at 5 in the morning to tell her that Janelle is hot. She was like “Thanks, I figured you were in jail or something.” Of course, I was in jail, but I didnt want to tell her that, so I said a simple and lovely “bbbblllllllaaaaarrrrgghghhh!” and hung up.

All in all, it was a fine evening, and you can be assured the fine people at TVgasm aren’t nearly the degenerates as I am. In conclusion, go read my new website YAYsports!

B-Side adds: FauxMichael is so modest. He almost didn’t mention that this happened too:

IMG_1239
Moments after this, some girl came up to Shannon and said, “Oh, you’re from American Pie, aren’t you?”
Yeah, because she hasn’t heard THAT for the past six years.

34 Comments

  1. 1
    plastik
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 2:42 pm

    Haha, that was so hilarious to read.
    Poor Arnold Shapiro, lol.

  2. 2
    Name
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 2:53 pm

    Dude, you are a fucking LOSER!!!

  3. 3
    catty
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 3:41 pm

    Dude, you are fucking HILARIOUS!!!

    Seriously, GREAT recap of what I’m sure was a fun night! But please address the rumors that Maggie showed late and left early because of the reaction (or lack of it) to her! True or not?

    The only thing that would have made the meeting with Uber-munchkin Eric that much sweeter: shining his head with a rag!

    Thanks!

  4. 4
    Lew
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 3:58 pm

    So is Arnold the creepy blinking eyeball during the opening sequence? I NEED TO KNOW WHO OWNS THE EYEBALL. It has been haunting me for six of my my 39 summers and I need resolution!

    Oh, and is Janelle really pretty hot? Sometime pictures lie but I think my wife is into her too which could lead to a whole new phase of our relationship. Not me and Janelle, but me and my wife… And maybe Janelle. (think big)

    Help a brother out.

  5. 5
    The Dogg Pound
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 4:47 pm

    Lew, I read somewhere that the eyeball belongs to some random janitor guy. I’ll have to track down a link for you.

  6. 6
    StevieB
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 4:47 pm

    That’s it? Stories and pics from the wrap party are kind of puny and lame this year.

  7. 7
    Carrie
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 5:04 pm

    Dogg Pound – the janitor thing was reported by WOW report. Here’s the link
    http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2005/Aug/02/whose_eye_is_it_anyway.wow

    FauxMichael – are you really Michael’s best friend? because he related the Eric story during his Fishbowl interview and said his best friend did these things ;) This would also help explain how you knew so much about Michael that you were able to blog as if it was him ;) lol

    Great post!!

  8. 8
    B-Side
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 5:51 pm

    People, people, people.

    Re: the eye. I MET the eye. It’s not a janitor. It’s some guy from the graphics department. He designed the opening credits back in season two, was paid $100 once, and they used his eye. It was a last minute thing.

    As for Maggie, I don’t know when she left, but she arrived on time.

  9. 9
    amygirl
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 6:31 pm

    Pretty skimpy recap, guys… I am assuming you were all in a blackout and don’t remember a whole lot??
    I am a little disapointed that you didn’t talk to Janelle. I feel like we all made her very famous and she didn’t give you the time of day? WHERE IS THE LOVE?????

  10. 10
    amygirl
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 6:35 pm

    p.s. I have forwarded your sports website to my husband who will be THRILLED!

  11. 11
    nice work
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 7:01 pm

    good work faux…especially with double fistin the booze. any after-party??

  12. 12
    Whatever
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 8:26 pm

    I loved the new website Yaysports! I got so caught up in reading everything I lost time. You owe me hours back on my life. I loved the letter sent off to the ABA. lol You cracked me up! Saved the site in favorites for future use and sent the link to some friends. Oh yea, how much was bail after BB party? Gotta keep our mama’s proud.

  13. 13
    hi, my name is tom....hi toooom.
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 8:44 pm

    can you give us a rundown on how the hollywood scene operates? Do you all have ins with industry people? what’s up with parties? promo events? just curious…i live in middle america. nothin goin on here. thanks, fauxmichael.

  14. 14
    marie
    Posted September 24, 2005 at 10:27 pm

    watched all bb showes but bb6 left big impression but not all good ones.would love to see kaysar howie and jan again. with my luck would see eric and maggie since i live in las vegas. lol all ready have bb withdrawls

  15. 15
    AJ
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 1:58 am

    do you have any more pics from the party? I’d LOVE to see some pics of the S6.

  16. 16
    mellymel
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 5:32 am

    I am glad that TVgasm found a new BFF. Hopefully there is more to come.

  17. 17
    runs_with_scissors
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 5:54 am

    FauxMichael. You are so funny!! Great pics and great recap. Double Fisting booze haaaaaa i pictured it but the monkey suit lol .. dude you were sh!tfaced lollllllll

  18. 18
    floopeygirl
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 10:19 am

    Faux you have the gift of comedic writing! I think TPTB @ TVGasm should sign you up as their official party crasher commentator.

    Loved the recap — but it lead to a bunch of questions …

    Like does Maggie’s dad really look that much like the Dwarf (as you so aptly called him … personally, I referred to him as the Garden Gnome and a Troll, but Dwarf works rather nicely too!).

    Tush is hot?! She looked like a female Screetch in most pics.

    Has anyone told Jen that her eye roll could lead to blindness?! Oh c’mon .. it would be so easy to fuck with her. She’s so shallow you could see the concentration on her face as she tries to keep those peepers in place!

    And does it really surprise you that the S6 are still real/legit friends? They never lied to each other, tried to screw one another (figuratively, that is) over, all retained their own identities and were genuine. The complete opposite of the Nerd Herd. If they could, they would claim all of the above statements were about them, but we saw how hypocrital they all are and how they are all lemmings and can’t make a fucking decision on their own — even when it’s their own fate at hand.

    Thanks for sharing your party crash experience! Sounds like you had a blast!

    And did it really surprise you that Janey and Kaysar were the stars?! Look at the fan bases each of ‘em amassed this summer! They came off as being ‘real’ and like someone you would want to be friends, or at least hang out with.

  19. 19
    Pamy
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 11:34 am

    Fauxy…you crack me up!!! I hope you do another Faux Blogger next season. I really enjoyed chatting with you at TVCH.

    You truly have a gift and I wish you much success!

  20. 20
    A Nonomous
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 12:48 pm

    You can call me A for short. I think its time for Big Brother to come up with something different. Like a good show !!! They need to be more creative and stop putting on young punky kids like Real World. Do you want something interesting?? Most people who watch BB (there were 8 million viewers) and more than 3/4 of them are over the age of 35. Its time to split the houseguests in half. Half under 35 and half over the age of 35. Lets just see how the Old Folks do. I betcha anything the people over 35 will win hands down. If you have any clout Faux Michael, Throw that at Arnold and
    Allison and all the casting directors who think that Big Brother won’t get any viewers if you don’t have a bunch of skinny dimwitted girls in their bikinis. Barf !!! I am sure there are good looking women over 35 who apply.

  21. 21
    Izzy
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 2:53 pm

    Thanks for writing this up, it’s loads of fun to read. I wish they would do a town hall follow up show, ala Real World.

  22. 22
    chronic
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 4:19 pm

    #20, I’m over 35 and think the older players in past seasons almost without exception were a complete waste of space entertainment-wise. I mean with age comes wisdom and experience, and who wants any of that on BB.

    btw how was this cast anything like the utter depravity you’d get on the Real World.

  23. 23
    eyecheewawa
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 8:25 pm

    I do hope that the All-Star BB is in the works. Janelle needs a shot at it.

  24. 24
    tina
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 9:42 pm

    I swear the eyeball is Jerry from BB3…@ least that’s who I always thought it was. But then again, I just started watching during the BB3 season. WISH I had witnessed THE WILL.

  25. 25
    Pamsey
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 7:38 am

    Great recap – thanks!
    I always thought the eye belonged to Mike “Boogie” the bar owner from BB2.

  26. 26
    Deb
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 9:10 am

    Has anyone noticed that Maggie’s dad looks a little like Eric with hair? Maybe its just me. And doesnt that purse look like something my granny would carry? Again, maybe its just me. Btw, is Kaysar available? lol me, too.

  27. 27
    boondocksaint
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 9:35 am

    I am so surprised one of the random TVGasm logos doesn’t feature Jenn’s patented full head cock/eye roll (and yes, I did just use the word cock and Jenn in the same sentence).

    Great recap! Now that the weekend has passed and I’ve listened to basically most of the interviews from the S6, I have come to the grim realization that this season has truly come to a close. What a rollercoaster ride, as far as playing on my emotions. I never thought such a low rent tv show would ever have me on the edge of my seat. Best season since BB2 IMO.

    I now bid goodbye to the S6 and to B-Side and J-unit’s hilarious recaps. Now I have to find something else to fill in for the space 3 nights a week, and the morning after recaps.

  28. 28
    Lee
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 9:52 am

    OMG that was freaking hilarious. I could just picture some drunk guy saying that too Arnold and then the long pause. OMG I’m crying cause I’m laughing so hard.

  29. 29
    Tart
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 11:35 am

    OMG, you all are absolutely right about Maggots’s father looking exactly like Crappy with HAIR!!!!

  30. 30
    ashes
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 2:40 pm

    This was too fun. Got any juicy stories to share about how the sheep have turned on each other? Did you see how any of them reacted when they met up with people who weren’t willing to kiss up to them and pretend to like them for a laugh? You know by now they’ve seen how low their popularity ratings were and are pissed off.

  31. 31
    SarahFan
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 7:44 pm

    dude who is the chick in the first pic at the top of the page ?

  32. 32
    amygirl
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 9:00 pm

    SarahFan,
    That is Ivette. Seriously…

  33. 33
    boondocksaint
    Posted September 27, 2005 at 3:33 pm

    Guys, if you watch this week’s house calls a little after the 25 minute mark where they are showing photos you can see Faux Michael AND B-Side at the wrap party. Faux must have put down his double fisted beers to hug whoever that was in the photo. ;)

  34. 34
    orbeaver
    Posted September 28, 2005 at 3:50 pm

    Well man, I can understand your behavior around Arnold Shapiro. I met the guy a while back for Big Brother Finals, and he made me ramble on like you did. Granted mine wasn’t a drunken vomit like yours, but maybe it should have. LOL. You would have seen my ass on the show. I shared a floor with Eric the dwarf at the LA Hotel. Keep kicking ass bro, maybe you’ll see me soon on a show!!!

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