The hardest part of watching a reality show is that at some point, you are going to find your favorites. Big Brother is no exception, and considering you can invest yourselves into the contestants with the help of a 24-hour feed, watching a favorite of yours get nominated or compete in a competition gets nerve-wracking. It’s probably no secret that I love the schemers. One of the reasons I wanted to start TVgasm was the hope of being able to rally other people to get behind my folks, and if somebody I don’t like wins, shower them with plenty of petty insults. With that said, it has not been a good Big Brother week for me. Although Kaysar was the man with the plan, his plan was demolished by Maggie when she won HOH. It made for some great television, but my god did it piss me off.
Last week, I posted about James’ budding or perhaps failed model career. My post was filled with a lot of disdain because I really hated James at the time. To my surprise, he really turned things around and although he was in Kaysar’s alliance because Kaysar offered to save him, I thought he hitched himself to the team as any smart person would. Let’s be honest, he has that irresistible Woody from Toy Story-meets-Ben Affleck kind of charm. Still, James was going up against Kaysar, and of the two, Kaysar is clearly my favorite. He has done so well and he really turned the game around by orchestrating Eric’s eviction.
When Maggie won HOH, it really was bad news for Kaysar, and Maggie nominated him for eviction. I just have to take this time to point out that Kaysar and James, after being nominated, did not cry to Maggie and say how much they were hurt, like, well, Maggie did last week. No, they accepted their fate. Maggie meanwhile, tried to rationalize her decision by saying that they should take it as a sign of respect. This means, of course, that she will cry next week if somebody puts her up.
Like I said, Kaysar and James took their nominations well, but Sarah was a different story. She was an absolute mess. You see, she was the person who pulled the last key from the veto box. It would be a key that said “Janelle,” “James,” or “Kaysar.” It said “Janelle” of course, but since Janelle and James both start with “J-a-,” as she pulled the key out, she had one fleeting moment of hope that James would be saved. Now it is OK to be a little emotional, because she is about to lose her boyfriend, but Sarah was bawling like it was her fault James was nominated, like if she thought only positive thoughts, James would be safe. James wasn’t saved, so she had nobody to blame but herself. God, I feel sorry for this girl. I hope she didn’t have the type of parents who said things like “Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore because you wet the bed!”
Whenever Sarah gets like this, James is usually saying things like “I would do better with her out of the game” and that she is a weak link and what not. But this time around, I think I saw a hint of feelings with James for his girlfriend. He said that when she is hurt, he hurts, and I think he might have even shed a tear. Granted, the way he is lying in this game, it could have all been fake, but it was the the first sign to me that he was actually into the relationship even half as much as she was. In fact, James was really upset later on. He knows that Maggie made her choices completely on vengeance and not strategy, and he thinks that Maggie put Janelle’s name last on purpose because she knew seeing the “Ja” would upset Sarah. James is right that Maggie is all about vengeance, but she was so very transparent in her nominations. She simply went from the person she liked the most, to the person she liked the least. Besides that, no thought whatsoever went into the order.
After all of this, we took a moment to discuss something really important. You see, James and Sarah have been seeing each other for months, and are in a committed relationship, but at least they are still in the house together. They have no idea how it’s been for Ivette to live in the house without her best friend, the person who she shares that special connection, the person who she couldn’t imagine life without. Are we talking about her girlfriend? Come on, you idiot! We are talking about Cappy! After spending almost a month together, Ivette is so emotionally worthless now that Eric is out of the house, she starts saying crazy shit like nobody deserved to win more than he did, even herself. She was just so upset that his chance at something very special was taken from him. I’m kind of disappointed that Eric didn’t have a chance to win any money as well, because how would he be able to afford all of those $12 Fire Department t-shirts without the Big Brother winnings?
Ivette went on for a long time, saying “I was robbed of somebody, and it hurts like no one can imagine.” Yeah, all those people at funerals can only pretend to know the anguish that Ivette feels. She did pull herself together to tell us why she was so upset. It wasn’t so much Cappy’s loss as it was the idea that she would have to see the bad guys win once again. God, I am going to love it when she finally gets out of the house and she finds out that she was seen as the biggest idiot, the biggest bitch, and the person the fewest number of people want to see win. How can these people be so oblivious to the way they are playing? I mean, sure they aren’t they haven’t all played dirty, but Eric did, and he was voted out. It does remind me of one of Eric’s sayings “Don’t count your chickens before they’re two in the bundle of time saves a cat has nine lives.”
If you were going to evict people by how dirty they played, or how much they double-crossed others, then James would be gone in minutes. He has been playing both sides from the get go, and has even been in discussions about campaigning against Sarah because he knows that when she is in the house, people know what his biggest weakness is, and he can’t afford that in this game. For James’ latest antics, he needs the Bible, which Beau at first denies him. Come on, Beau. The Bible? It’s not like he wants to borrow Bottoms Up 15 from you or something. Have a heart. After some pressure from April and the others, Beau decides he should let James have the Bible, and he apologizes for the way he acted and, you know, all of that butt sex.
Why did James need the Bible? Well, he was in the middle of making a deal with Ivette. He swore on the Bible that if he won HOH, he would put up Rachel and Howie, because they had been flying under the radar. Ivette buys it because she’s, you know, a moron, and trusts that this time, James really means what he says. Note to Eric if you are out there. What you saw James do was swear on the Bible. Notice how there is a book and a hand involved. When Kaysar swore on the Koran, there was a hand, but without the book, the hand means nothing. Got it?
With that, everybody got ready for the veto competition. There was a lot of anticipation, but people had pretty much decided that Kaysar and Janelle would win. Maggie and Ivette were no competition for anything other than widest ass in the house, and James was stuck with Sarah, who hasn’t exactly been dominant in any of the competitions.
Outside, the game was Couch Potato. There were two couches lined back-to-back on a spinning platform. Off to one side of the platform, there were six televisions with three buttons- On/Off, channel up, and channel down. The object of the game was to turn on the televisions, and then get the television to display Channel 5. The first person to get channel 5 would win the veto. You were allowed to hit any television, so theoretically you could sabotage somebody else if you wanted to turn their television off or hit a channel button to keep it off of five. Right away, James and Sarah and Janelle and Kaysar decided that they should each work on one television.
The competition was very exciting. James and Sarah were doing great on Sarah’s television, but Kaysar and Janelle really didn’t have any luck. Seeing as how Kaysar was one of the people who sucked so badly at the basketball game the first week, is it any surprise that his team struggled? Maggie and Beau were never really in it, and they just focused on stopping the others. Maggie even succeeded at turning Sarah’s TV off at one point, but it was not enough; Sarah won the veto, and barring something unforseen, James was coming off of the block.
Although James was happy Sarah won because it meant that he would get to stay, he said he couldn’t call it a victory because his win meant he had to go against Kaysar. James says he admires Kaysar the most out of anybody in the house because of his intellect and the way he carries himself, and I tend to believe it, because James really is a great liar.
With James surely to be saved from the block, Maggie and her crew decided that they needed to think about who to put up next. Marvin from last year must have loved watching this episode because he now never has to live with the distinction of having come up with the most retarded name of any Big Brother alliance in history. That now goes to Maggie, or whoever it was in their group that came up with the name “The Friendship.” Think about that for a minute. Could their be anything more stupid? I mean, I thought Toronto was a joke for having a team called The Raptors, but how stupid is that name? Eric Littman and The Friendship. It sounds like the name of a bad 70s rock band collaboration, as if the people who didn’t make it into Jefferson Starship decided to form their own band, but they sucked and weren’t creative, so they called themselves The Friendship. It’s amazing how they could become such great friends though, you know, because April and Jenny barely know each other, and Beau and Ivette are together just because they’re gay. And funnier than all of that was listening to Maggie say that she has to do what The Friendship wants or risk some sort of harsh punishment, like holding her down and making her brush her hair.
Before “The Friendship” Maggie and company were called “Two Huge Asses, an anorexic chick, and a gay guy”
There is nothing like a birthday on Big Brother (which reminds me, I have to call my sister on the 13th for her birthday, don’t let me forget), and April got to celebrate hers inside the house. You would think that after 75 years, she would be used to them, but every one is special. When asked what she is going to do for her birthday, April popped the top off of some strawberry Ensure and said “Read AARP Magazine.” The producers set up the house for a party, which is probably one of the reasons they faked the food competition a few days ago. Wouldn’t it have sucked if April had lost and then not have been able to eat her own cake? Big Brother did it before, I believe a couple of seasons ago. Only half of the team won the food reward, which meant half the people watched the others eat cake.
I was hoping to freeze the frame on April’s cake so I could count the candles, but the producers put only one big candle in the middle, so I can’t tell you if she is 45 or 50. I can tell you that she got a bitching set of gifts from K-mart including a hot-pink faux-leopard polyester top and a matching double-clasp white belt. Together, they two had all of the class of an Avon-sponsored hooker from Belleville. Oh, she did get a camera as well, and let’s not forget about the letter from home.
Is it me, or does April literally have a combover?
April learns they raised the minimum retirement age to 67, meaning she won’t be able to retire until TEN YEARS AGO
It was at this time that April provided us with a sequence of not-so-flattering faces. When she cries, it’s sort of more like a vomit-cry than a sob-cry. We also get a picture of her husband and their dog Pepperoni, which she says is like their child. You have to sympathize. They have made a lot of advances in fertility but women over 50 have trouble conceiving. I think they’ll adopt.
After all of that sappiness, we were given another chapter for SUMMER OF SECRETS. OK, not really, but I do love writing out those words. No, actually, the houseguests came inside to find a bunch of quarters around the house. The quarters were used for the gumball machine, and six people received tickets for their quarters. They split into two groups of three girls on each side. Sarah, Rachel, and Jenny were one team, and Ivette, Maggie, and Beau were the other team. Get it? Beau is gay so he counts as one of the girls! Ha! OK, that would have been funnier if Howie didn’t point it out on the show. But then again, Ivette’s a lesbian so, ummm, well let’s move on.
SOLD OUT: Like the Spears-Federline nuptials.
Sarah, Rachel, and Jenny won the game, which involved screwing a bunch of light bulbs into a marquee to reveal a secret message. For their hard work, they got to see a sneak peak of…”Four Brothers”? God, is that all that Viacom could come up with? Remember when they were pimping “Runaway Jury” a few years back? Now they’ve stooped to Four Brothers? Isn’t their some DVD that’s coming out that is more important, like perhaps a boxed set of Veroncia Mars?? The funniest part of the competition was right after they won, Jenny started doing cartwheels, to which April replied “I remember when I was in 5th grade, President Nixon tried to hula hoop”
And in one easy step, Viacom tripled the average attendance at a “Four Brothers” screening.
Now, the veto competition was so exciting because the prevailing thought was that Kaysar and Janelle had the upper hand, forcing James to do a bunch of deals to save his ass. With Sarah’s win, he quickly reneged on some of his plans, including that whole “I will put up Rachel and Howie” thing, saying that when Maggie went against him at the veto comp, the deal was void. Ivette got very upset. How dare James contradict what he said about an alliance, who does he think he is? Cappy?
No, it was Kaysar who had to make deals, and he honestly brought up a good point. If Maggie would nominate one of her own, Kaysar’s alliance would keep him safe. Since every competition in the game has been won by the people in his alliance (minus Eric and Maggie winning HOH), he said that she would be the target if any of them goes home. Bold plan, but he should have worked this angle before the nominations.
At the veto ceremony, Sarah let both people speak, but there was no suspense. Sarah took James off the block, and Maggie immediately put up Janelle. This sets up the absolute worst scenario for me, as I really like both players. Luckily, both vowed revenge if they won, but that did little to lighten the impact.
Happily, Maggie’s reign is almost over. Although she liked to play like she had tons of power, you could see in her eyes how frightened she was. Kaysar made light of her group because nobody can think for themselves, and even now people are talking by saying things like “That is what Cappy would have wanted.” Maggie also ensured that the teams will remain split down the middle. Yes, Rachel and Howie and James and Sarah have sometimes wavered in their commitment, but it is going to be a battle each and every week.
What did you think of this episode? Who’s going home?