PIG BROTHER —- UPDATED!!!!

Big Brother

By madeyoulaugh | Friday, September 24, 2004 | 12:54 pm | 17 Comments

pig brother.jpg

My experience at tonight’s BB5 wrap party was a little different than that of B-Side and J-Unit.

At the party, they had ceramic pigs, paint, magic markers, glitter and several other things that would make even Nikomis declare “Cool Beans!” Rather than painting my pig, along side a slightly inebriated (AKA completely schnockered) Karen, I decided to kidnap a pig and have the entire cast of the 5th season of big brother sign it.

What follows is my account of what transpired between myself, and each of the houseguests and the impressions they left on me. Some have changed, some have remained the same and some…oh I guess those are really the only 2 options.

UPDATE
NOW YOU CAN BUY THE PIG. Due to high volume of email requests, I am actually now selling the pig.

All profits will be donated to the charity of my choice. Most likey the Anheiser Busch Foundation, the Tmobile Monthly Bill Foundation, or the Pizza Hut Foundation.

Will.jpg The first person I approached with this odd request to sign my pig, was Will. He smiled an immediately went for the pen. When I approached Will he was being showered with some sort of incense gift from a very sweet very gay pair of fans. And, though I was interrupting what felt like Jack McFarlane and Will Truman meeting Cher for the first time, Will was very kind and took a moment to say hello, chat briefly about the show and even had time to call either Jase or Holly a “witch”. It was unclear to me which one he was talking about…..after all, it may have been my first houseguest of the night, but it wasn’t my first Amstel of the night.
Nik.jpg Next I went up to Nikomis. Nik was there with a friend of hers and really took in the moment. Several times she said threw glances the way of her friend as if to say “can you believe all this attention?” Even as an older heavier woman came up to Nik and mentioned that her daughter think she and Nik look alike, Nikomis was flattered and nothing but kind. ** I can only assume the similarity her daughter referenced was on a cellular level.
Marvin.jpg Then I stumbled into Marvin. A cool dude, well mannered, but he was the first houseguest I thought seemed to be basking in the “hey I was on TV” of-it-all a little more than he may have deserved to. After taking a moment to soak in the cigar and dog collar, I gave him props on being a lyrical master on the show, to which he responded “hehehe..*smile faded, blank look came in*… a what master?” I wasn’t sure if he didn’t hear me, or didn’t know what lyrical meant. In an effort to avoid a potentially awkward moment of enlightenment, I came up with the hysterically witty line “Nothin’.” Ahhh, sometimes I even surprise myself with my wit and witticism. It wasn’t long until a barely dressed hot little number moseyed on over at which point, I was introduced to Marvin’s back.
The_Don.jpg I was looking for Cowboy, when I literally tripped over the foot of “The Don” nearly breaking my newly sacred pig (a little awkward for me as a Jew to say that. Sorry mom. The Don was apologetic and agreed to sign my pig at no charge. Ohh what a doosy. He immediately went for the pig’s ass which I told him I was reserving for Jase, but whatever the Don wants, The Don gets…except for a second week in the Big Brother House. He laughed, his table laughed, his wife, however, did not. She’s and evil horrid ugly bitch…no I’m kidding, she laughed too and was really quite sweet, I just felt that this encounter was boring so I tried to take some journalistic liberties with it.
Cowboy.jpg As I began to leave Mike “The Don”, I turned around and saw Michael “The Cowboy”. OH MY!! HE WAS WEARIN THE HAT!! YEE HAW!! When I asked him if he would sign my pig, he said and this is a direct quote “Ahh shoot! Pigs are my favorite animal in the whole ranch” I was hoping he would get real nostalgic-like, ya know, missin’ pa and billy-bob and start to cry, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. No Cowboy tears. But one thing you don’t get the full effect of on TV, BREATH! Whew. I think second place should get a year of SCOPE as a consolation prize. Hell, I may spring for it.
Savage.jpg Savage…Savage, Savage Savage. We all know the guy is dumb as rocks. But when I asked him to sign my pig, and he signed it “The *SAVAge* Phyco pig-?” why I was left in awww. Did he mean to use some caps and some non caps? But more importantly he took a moment, looked at it like, like an RCA dog looking at the TV had a slight head tilt, and then said “Yo brother, I meant to spell psycho wrong. You know, like a joke cause I couldn’t spell cheese on the show. Now were it not for his brief re-reading spell-check glance he gave the pig, I may have bought into it. But, I think it was just classic Savage. I will say for his sake however, this guy was genuinely nice and excited to be a part of the whole hullabaloo. I loved to make fun of him on the show and buy now we have all seen the video But, I have to admit, he is quite the charmer and a decent guy. Ok, moving on……
Jase.jpg Jase and freakin Holly. I don’t know what to say really. These two walked all smiles, hand in hand….in hand. Wait, was that one too many “in hands”?? Why no it was not. Jase holding Holly’s hand and Holly holding the hand of an anonymous 2nd girl in the group with a low cut top, high cut skirt, fishnet stalkings and perky…you get the idea. I felt at that moment Jase may have been a loser in life and loser in the game, but at least he’s got an “open minded” girl by his side. So I approached Jase to see if he wouldn’t mind signing my pig. He was delighted and signed “Will Sucks Jase” with a little heart by it. I guess that means Will and Jase have something going on between them. Oh wait!! Maybe he meant “Will Sucks, LOVE Jase” Nah, that couldn’t be it. That’s too immature. He wouldn’t do anything like that. Snarkasm aside, he directed me to then go have Will sign it again and point it out to him. I was thinking, “Man, Jase is such a Poo.” Fortunately I didn’t have to verbalize that since Holly came up saw what Jase had written and gave him a disapproving look and said “Don’t be a Poo” Took the word right outta my mouth I tell ya.
Holly.jpg When I asked Holly what part of the pig she wanted to sign, she declared, the lips. I always do the lips. I assume she must either signed another pig, or was referencing the other girl she was with. I was really shocked to get a very sweet vibe from Holly. She seems borderline retarded, but very well intentioned. I kinda felt bad for her when she gave the pig a kiss, then gave me a peck on the cheek then Jase grabbed her and gave her I a kiss. I thought she should have stayed with the pig, and some may argue she did.
Natalie.jpg Natalie. I called her Adria. She corrected me and begrudgingly signed my pig. Look, she may have an issue with people not telling the two apart, but guess what. THEY ARE TWINS. They look alike. I’m not asking her to marry me or make any such commitment that would necessitate my knowing her, the reeeeeaaaaal her. I was asking her to ink some bacon.
DREW.jpg The big winner!! So, I fully interrupted some conversation Drew was having with a big group of people to have him sign the pigs back. As he signed it I asked if he has received the check yet. He told me he has seen it, but it may be a while before he gets it. He told me how stoked he was to see a check that big with his name on it. I was taken in by the moment kinda got excited for him. Then I realized my beer was empty, so I left him to refill it.
Adria.jpg Adria. Similar to my Natalie story, I called her Adria. This woman I loathed on the show. Hell, I even did a side by side comparison between her and Corky from Life Goes On. Now here I am asking her to sign a ceramic pig. Once it’s signed, she will not let me walk away. She is telling me how lucky she is to be doing this, that it’s the best summer of her life, that she has a book coming out, how much she loves her husband, her sister. Blah blah blah, fortunately, I had my beer which generally numbed the pain that was Adria. She was really nice enough, but I couldn’t get past the corky resemblance.
Lori.jpg Lori was uber boring. I just went up had her sign it, then she went back to her Chablis. Not a good story….so let me make one up. So I went up to Lori and asked her what she thought of Will calling her a scabby bitch. She didn’t know what I was talking about so I said,” On the episode after your eviction when he called you a scabby bitch.” Well she was pissed and ran up to Will and used Chen-bot’s wig to bitch slap Will!! It was great!!!
Karen.jpg By the time I approached Karen, sadly she seemed to be sobering up a little. That is to say, I lost the bet with J-Unit as to how long before she showed her rack. I’m telling you, one more wine spritzer as she came in, and those fun bags would have been released! But alas, all I got out of her was grief that I didn’t paint my pig, a small sermon about art as therapy and some Sharpie ink on a ceramic swine. I had a little thing for Karen during the show, and though she still is completely bangable in my eyes, I was so unimpressed by her in person I felt like putting something in her mouth to keep her quiet…J-Unit has told me I need to be more family friendly so I will leave it at that…….…… MY PENIS!! Ha Ha J-Unit…you can’t stop me!
Diane.jpg And finally there was Diane. I never really thought much of Diane. Granted she did give the hand job heard around the world. I was never really impressed with her. That is until she started to vent to me. I mentioned I thought she was great and should have won…blah blah blah…and she said “Well at least I got a boyfriend out of it. Who else can say that?” and I quickly said “Holly” she jumped on that “OH that’s just publicity BS. Where will they be in 6 months? What I really love drew. Jase and Holly are sick” and it continued. With every spouting of anti-Jase she spewed I got more and more into her. By the time she signed my pig, I coulda kissed her. Anyways, that was that.

A night of pig signing, and a night of banter with people who never got my name, and whose names I will undoubtedly forget in the weeks and months to come. It was a flash in the pan summer for CBS and the Big Brother Guests and a great source for entertainment for all of us here at The Gasm. It was kinda cool to see what these people were all about, it’s just kinda pathetic that in the 3 years I have lived in LA and the dozens of events I have gone to. The first autographs I ever asked for was from these douche bags. I hope you guys appreciate that.

Now that I am done with this post, I think I need to get started on an eBay post. Anybody want a pig???

17 Comments

  1. 1
    L
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 8:14 am

    So funny. Jesus, Jase really is a world class hole, isn’t he?

  2. 2
    Jason
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 8:28 am

    I was at the party too…jeez, big brother parties are like a blogger haven.

    I haven’t decided what I’m doing with my pig yet.

    Maybe it would’ve helped if I had actually watched an episode of the show before going to the party.

  3. 3
    Krista
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 8:49 am

    Hiya,
    I thought your post was very funny…and enjoyed reading it.
    I just thought I’d tell ya that you spelled “by” incorrectly in your post on the Savage…which at first I thought you might have done on purpose because of your comments on him spelling “psycho” wrong…but, since you never commented on it…

  4. 4
    madeyoulaugh
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 9:56 am

    Krista,

    Ooooops. It was late when I did that, spell checker must have changed it…and finally, my dog ate it.

    -madeyoulaugh

  5. 5
    jash
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 10:13 am

    WOW.

    will’s writing is really gay.

    and i should know.

  6. 6
    keely
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 10:37 am

    That was sooooo funny! Holly borderline retarded, and Adria being Corky’s sister, and “Will sucks Jase” what a dumbass.

    Inking some bacon…..

    What about Prettyboy’s autograph?????

    Funny!

    I’ll take the pig!!!!!!!!!

  7. 7
    erin
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 11:21 am

    What about the Chenbot?

  8. 8
    b-side
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 11:29 am

    Chenbot wasn’t there, sadly.

  9. 9
    Lisa
    Posted September 24, 2004 at 1:16 pm

    So, were there a lot of people walking around getting their pigs signed? That is a funny visual. Someone walking around with a ceramic pig asking people sign it. lol I think I would have felt kind of stupid doing that. You don’t by chance have any pictures of the wrap party do you? You know, for the people who aren’t lucky enough to attend events like this. And next time you see Diane you should tell her she didn’t get a boyfriend out of the show. An hour after Drew evicted her he was asking for pictures of the girlfriend he had back home. I wouldn’t call that a boyfriend. I would call that a guy who used a girl to get half a million dollars. By the way, congratulations on not breaking the pig when you tripped over The Don. That would have been a waste of a perfectly good ceramic pig.

  10. 10
    Luckie
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 3:26 am

    i just wanted to say that there alot of people out there that would be so happy to have 5 minutes to talk with these Houseguests. I know you may think meeting these people was a waste of time but to some of us out here, we are fans! We would be on cloud nine to be able to attend one of these cast parties. Seems to me you may take things a little too lightly and you should enjoy the moment more. No judgement intended just an observation from a every day person. :)

  11. 11
    TTime
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 7:39 am

    I personally like the sarcasm and dry sense of humor from this website. If I wanted to read a bunch of fluff or someone swooning I’d go to the shows television website. Whether or not any of these writers “appreciates” being able to meet ordinary people who’s heads are temporarily swollen from their 15 minutes of fame, is beside the point of why I read this perspective. Oh yeah and just press Post once.

  12. 12
    Genevieve
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 10:55 am

    Damn! It’s already up to $250!!!!

  13. 13
    Sheila
    Posted September 25, 2004 at 11:01 pm

    Take a look at Karen’s stick figure. She is giving you the one finger salute. Did you notice that at all?

    Your writing is so much fun. My dh, found the finger as he was laughing at your material.

    Poor Cowboy. I had heard about his breath. I guess you didn’t expect it.

  14. 14
    madeyoulaugh
    Posted September 26, 2004 at 3:11 am

    Sheila,

    where do you see the middle finger?? Im looking over and over and not seeing it.

    madeyoulaugh

  15. 15
    James Bondage
    Posted September 26, 2004 at 10:19 am

    Chenbot missed the wrap party because she was in Vegas taking in Steve & Eydie with sugar daddy Les Moonves.

    Details:
    http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2004/Sep-21-Tue-2004/news/24816881.html

  16. 16
    Genevieve
    Posted September 27, 2004 at 10:16 am

    HEhehe, I see the middle finger. On the left side of the screen, or the face’s right side. Up in the air.

  17. 17
    jash
    Posted September 27, 2004 at 10:16 am

    you sure thats “the finger” karen drew or say, oh i dont know….A PINKY?!?!?

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