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Coming into tonight’s episode of Big Brother, I was optimistic that new Head of Household James would right the wrongs that Kaysar had committed last week. Surely “Chill Town” would finally find itself on the hot seat, forcing Dr. Will and his loyal sidekick / hetero life-mate Mike Boogie to sweat a bit. But then again, that’s sort of what we were expecting last week when Kaysar first came to power. Would the conniving doctor wriggle himself free once again? Or would James finally listen to that crazy concept of “logic” and nominate him? Gosh, I sound like the Chenbot reading a promo. I must still be shaking off the lingering, hypnotic effects of her faux-bolo, or as we’ve come to call it: the FauxBo (not related to Beau from Big Brother 6 — although, I would like to see what a fake Beau would look like swinging from Julie Chen’s neck). Nevertheless, I’m rambling. To the recap!Ah yes. The weekend edition of Big Brother. I have to fight the urge to call it the “Saturday show” since this season has bumped the weekend installment up to Sunday (where it hasn’t done too well in the ratings. Get your friends to watch, people!). A lot of people don’t really care much for the weekend shows, but I love them. For some reason, I look forward to the food competitions like a kid on Christmas, or in my case, a kid on Hannukah. Then again, I don’t really get cool gifts for Hannukah. Whatever. Point is that I get very excited. Plus, the fun of guessing the nominations for an entire hour always fills me with joy. I even like the pointless filler that goes into these episodes. When you’re really hooked on a reality show, the more the merrier is what I always say. Hmmm… what was my point? I don’t think I have one. Anyhoo…
Tonight’s show opened up with Diane expressing sadness that her partner in Manic Panic crime, Nakomis, had been sent home. The two had been besties in the house, and now Diane was all alone — left with no one except her possible ally, Jase, and the memories of “Cool beans” lingering in her head. Such was the pain of Diane.
As we relived Nakomis’s ouster, we once again saw Chicken George in all his tin foil glory. I don’t know why he had fashioned himself a jumpsuit of Reynolds Wrap, but he surely thought he was the height of wackiness that night. Well, he was right. He certainly was wacky. And by “wacky,” I mean “the most annoying man on the face of the planet.” Do you ever wonder if maybe the producers really found him on the side of the street. Maybe in a back alley? He kind of talks like a bum — what with his slurry drawl and questionable grammar. Now he was dressing in tin foil. He was certifiably a crazy man. I wouldn’t be shocked at all to find him in line at the local soup kitchen. I mean, he calls himself Chicken George for crying out loud!
Anyway, Boogie soon came on the screen to talk about Nakomis’s eviction. He noted that she was cool, but “on the other hand, Diane did stay, and she’s hot.” Almost as hot as that sweet orange hat you’ve been rockin, Boogie. Grrrowl! That gets three armbands out of four on the sexy scale!
Will then tried to stir the pot again by trying to make the other house guests feel badly for kicking Nakomis out. I’m sure that would have been effective had Will not been so instrumental in getting her nominated in the first place. As you can imagine, this attempt to cause turmoil failed greatly. Meanwhile, Jase chilled out on the couch, not bothering to get up and mill around like everyone else. Turns out he was still angry at Nakomis for orchestrating his ouster back in season five, and since she wasn’t going to be on the jury this time around, why bother kissing her ass as she left the house? Jase commented, “She was the one who six-fingered me out the door!” For some reason, that sounded oddly disturbing, vaguely sexual, and like it required a harness and some lubricant. I’m sure we’ll see two nasty old people performing the “six-finger out the door” technique on Real Sex any day now.
Anyway, now that she had dodged week two’s mighty bullet, Diane proclaimed, “I’m ready to play!” And by that, she meant she’d recede into the background, never to be heard from again for another few weeks.
We then heard some more scuttlebutt, the most telling piece being James saying that he was voting based on what was best for him and Howie, not Janelle and Kaysar. Might the season sixers be quietly crumbling apart? Look, as long as Janelle makes it to the final two, I don’t really care what alliances stay strong or weaken (although, I do want season six to destroy Chill Town).
Next we saw the HOH competition again, but sadly, the producers left out all of the Chenbot’s near meltdowns as she reprimanded various house guests for not resetting their answer wheel fast enough. That’s okay though. I provided my own Chenbot experience by yelling “I NEED AN ANSWER! I NEED AN ANSWER!” and “PLEASE RESET YOUR WHEEL! JANELLE, RESET YOUR WHEEL!” Of course, in my version, this is all followed by a massive boom as the Chenbot explodes, destroying half the CBS Radford lot.
Anyway, we watched as James and Danielle headed into a tie-breaker scenario, and as the two revealed their answers, all the house guests leaned forward to see the action. It kind of looked like one long line of people waiting to be sodomized. Man, why must it always come back to butt sex? Must be the presence of Jase. Oh I KEEED!
As James happily took the reins of the household, Boogie then told us, “Yet again, S6 takes Head of Household.” For the record, I’d like to say that I still refuse to call them “S6.” I’m sorry, but I don’t like alliance names to sound like technical jargon or some sort of Gillette Razor blade. To me, they’re the season sixers or BB6ers or whatever other interesting name people come up with. But I refuse to call them the S6! (Insert crescendoing music and a standing ovation here. That was essentially the TVgasm equivalent to a rousing Al Pacino speech.)
We then watched again as Howie ran up to James and gave him a big bear hug. The big oaf then took a page out of Real World: Key West’s Paula by yelling at us, “People don’t like celebrations? KISS MY ASS, HOUSE GUESTS!” He then hyperventilated, cried, bit someone’s arm, and then called someone named Keith and passed out in the phone room.
Danielle, on the other hand, had quite the amusing response to James’s win: “Another week of season six still in power, and another week of Danielle [pantomiming getting her lips ready] kisses some ass.” Okay, here’s another reason why Danielle is awesome. Aside from the fact that she’s hilarious, she also is one of the shrewdest players in the house. She went from balls-to-the-walls player in week one (where she almost left prematurely) to now quietly readjusting her strategy to secure a place in the household. That’s a schemer if there ever was one. If she’s smart, she could make it to the final four. Of course, I say that now, and next week, she’ll be a goner. That’s the beauty of Big Brother: it changes on a dime!
Well, with James in control, it seemed fairly obvious that he would be taking care of the junk that Kaysar was too afraid to deal with. And that junk’s name was Chill Town. If Mike and/or Will escaped unharmed this week, that would be a major shock, but then again, if there’s anyone capable of squeaking out, it’s them. Boogie, for one, felt confident that they might be safe. After all, James was pissed at Kaysar for screwing up the nominations last week, and besides, “He’s enamored with us! He’s enamored with us!” To be fair, it’s hard not to be enamored with someone wearing five different arm bands. Oh Boogie. You are intoxicating!
Boogie then continued with his ready-for-the-camera comments by saying, “Call the Hardy Boys. Call those Scooby Doo kids. Call Sherlock Holmes. Get somebody in here who can figure out who James is going to nominate!” How about calling Detective SHUT THE HELL UP? I’m sorry, Boogie. You’re just not funny. Stick to being a restauranteur.
We then saw a mildly bizarre segment featuring Chicken George. Of course, any segment featuring Chicken George is mildly bizarre. We learned that apparently this little ball of smiles was a cleaning fiend. The house mother, if you will. When he wasn’t dressing up in Tin Foil Couture, he was making food, doing laundry, or just cleaning things up in general. I have to say, he’s an annoying guy, but there’s something to be said about a person who voluntarily cleans and cooks for you. But then again, if that person wears a foil cape, it gets kind of creepy.
Nevertheless, Chicken George may have been a domestic monster, but Howie noted that he was probably listening to everything, picking up as much info as possible. James even accused him of eavesdropping in on a conversation with him and Janelle. To be fair, George was simply looking for new Snoop Chicken George material. His freestyle has really dried up recently.
Of course, since there was a new HOH, we then had to see the new HOH room. Already, the thrill had passed for many of the house guests who barely could hide the lack of enthusiasm on their faces. The only thing exciting about this entire process was seeing what new color scheme awaited the HOH. For all those wondering, James had a trendy red and black decor (my personal favorite so far — if I were to care, which I don’t really). I wanted to know if there’d be pictures of Sarah, and sure enough, there were — including one of her with some creepy-eyed dog. I know it was just the effect of the camera flash, but I don’t think I’d ever seen a dog look more soulless than that glassy-eyed pup. I swear, it was sent from Lucifer himself! Somebody warn Julia Stiles!
Well, after the sheer rush of seeing James’s newly refurbished room had subsided, everyone slowly filtered out, leaving just the season sixers to hang out and hug each other. James thanked Janelle for waiting to celebrate in private, unlike Howie who never saw a strategical move he couldn’t blunder. The group then tossed around ideas rapid-fire. There was an obvious push to get Will and Boogie up on the block, but James made the interesting point that if season six were taken out of power, it would behoove them to have another target in the house for the guests to focus on. Then again, if Will and Boogie come into power, then that whole tactic sort of would fall flat.
Of course, the only reason why James was mentioning all this was because he apparently had a bloodlust for Chicken George. Ever since that eavesdropping situation, he wanted him out. But James, don’t you want to hear the dulcet tones of Snoop Chicken George’s floetry? Nevertheless, James felt that by putting Chicken George up, it would force the floaters to take a side. That would be all great and stuff, but didn’t Kaysar just try to do that last week? I think we all learned that the floaters will simply align with whatever the house zeitgeist is. Hence, FLOATERS. Besides, if you want to see floater voting patterns, don’t nominate them.
Ultimately, the BB6ers all bumped fists together and promised to go to the final four. Yes, the smell of hubris hung in the air like one of Chicken George’s salsa farts. Oh wait, that was just the stench coming from the garbage chute down the hall from me. Either way, as much as I love the season sixers, the parallels to the Four Horsement were too strong to be denied. Luckily, there’s no Holly to unravel the alliance… at least, not yet.
After the commercial break, we then found Mike Boogie pumping iron aggressively, trying to become the He-Man he’ll never be. This was best evidenced by his lame attempt at jump-roping. I’ve seen aardvarks with more skill (I often track aardvark jump-roping competitions). Sad fact: when he’s not being totally annoying on Big Brother, Mike Boogie actually works out at my gym. I never really cared that much before, but now, I’ll have to carefully avoid any workout bench he sticks his sweaty ass on. The last thing I need is essence of Boogie.
Anyway, Boogie tried to be the tough guy, but everyone could see through it, especially when he fretted about inheriting his mother’s hips. Danielle asked us, “What man says he has his mother’s hips?” The same sort of man who would wear three wristbands and a headband five years after they were cool.
If Mike’s passing hobby was to work out like a maniac, Will’s was to complain about EVERYTHING. He complained so much that everyone in turn began complaining about Will. Apparently he just talked and talked and talked and talked, kvetching about whatever object happened to be in front of him. Funny how he never mentioned hide nor hair of Boogie’s arm bands, the only thing truly deserving of complaint. Just when we were thinking that he was just a whiny bitch, Will then revealed to us that this was all just part of his strategy. He wanted to demoralize everyone, make them miserable, and slowly take over. Again, another crafty move by Dr. Will, but I wasn’t really sure how effective it was. Diane and Marcellas already knew it was merely a strategy, and you gotta think that it if Diane has caught on to something, it really can’t be that sneaky. Remember, this is the woman who accidentally eliminated herself from a veto competition in season five when she was trying to target Jase. Love her attitude, but “cunning” and “Diane” don’t often show up in the same sentence, unless there’s a “not” involved too.
Later, we found Will talking to James, and right off the bat, the good doctor told us, “I think the fact that I enjoy being nominated makes me one of the most feared players here.” Oh what a deliberately well-rehearsed cocky bastard he is!
Anyway, the two guys talked for a while, with James offering to take Will up on his offer from last week to sit on the chopping block. James then said that he really wanted Chicken George out and that he might use Will as a pawn. Does anyone smell burning? Oh, never mind. It’s just a BACKFIRE waiting to happen.
Then, in what may have been a dangerous move, James revealed to Will that he felt like the outsider of his alliance. He knew he’s be the first one out when push came to shove — which wasn’t necessarily false — and ultimately, he’d want to go to the final four with Will, Boogie, and Danielle. That was nice and everything, but then James would simply be the third wheel to Chill Town. He might as well ally secretly with Danielle and someone else — like Erika — take them to the final three instead. And if he were really smart, he’d ally with them now and watch Chill Town and the other BB6ers take each other down.
We then were treated to a random scene of Jase and Howie throwing a pink innertube around. Perhaps the boredom had gotten to him or maybe he was missing his collection of designer mandanas, but suddenly Jase began singing a whole impromptu advertising jingle about inner-tubes, the main refrain being, “It’s a blowup inner-tube!” I personally thought this was a sneaky way for CBS to promote its Innertube video service, but that’s just me. (By the way, Innertube totally stalks the TVgasm forums. Check this out. Everyone smile and wave to Innertube!).
Anyway, after Jase was done singing his song, nimrod Howie asked, “Is that real?” Yes Howie. It’s the most retarded advertising jingle of all time, and Jase memorized each and every word of it. Then again, Jase has done dumber things:
Meanwhile, upstairs, a series of people popped into the HOH room to give their two cents on who James should nominate. Erika pushed for Chicken George, saying that his nom would split the house. How? Dunno. I guess it depended on who would be up against him. Marcellas also backed a Chicken George nom, if only because it afforded the rest of the house guests security for another week. Then James consulted with the always sharp Danielle, who said he should target his major, uh, targets. Translation: go after Chill Town, mofo! Of course, James had a vendetta against Chicken George, and he told Danielle his plan to nominate him and someone like Dr. Will. Luckily, she had a brain in her head, and she insisted that this half-baked plan would surely backfire. Then again, I’d want it to backfire. But what if the intended backfire backfires, and Chicken George goes home instead of Will? ‘Tis the beauty of Big Brother: All Stars. It’s still too hard to predict.
We then went to commercial, and when we came back, the camera zoomed in close on a tub of Big Brother Slop. This could only mean one thing: impending food competition. Yay! But before that, we got to watch some general grumbling about the nasty treat the producers had served up half the household. James complained that he just couldn’t get rid of the awful taste. Danielle noted that everyone tried to counter the awful taste by stirring their slop aggressively, as if that would magically turn it into “pudding.” Ha. Suckers.
Finally, it was time for this week’s food competition. The roommates all headed outside where a giant, tilted board with many holes had been erected. Teams of two had to guide a bowling ball up the board using a pole, avoiding the holes all along the way. Just imagine Labyrinth minus the labyrinth. And yes, I’m referring to the board game, not the seminal Jennifer Connely/David Bowie masterpiece from the mid-’80s. Anyway, the holes were all in different regions — the lowest being slop, followed by beer and veggies, bread and kumquats (yes, very random), and meat and ice cream. If a ball fell in a hole, the house guests would get the food of that region (and any region below it). However, if a team could maneuver its ball all the way to the top, for that day, the house would be fully stocked and receive a catered feast. Oh, and each team was fighting for a specific day of the week. Make sense? Don’t worry if it doesn’t. It’s just a food competition.
First up were James and Erika, who intensely navigated their ball past all the holes. “Man, it was 120 degrees in there, and we all were just baking!” James said. Yeah, well, he should come to my apartment where my AC abruptly stopped working yesterday in that same 120 degree weather. Baking is an understatement. With every keystroke, I’m probably burning twice the calories than Boogie after three hours of weight training. Of course, the advantage to not having the AC working is that my windows are now open, which means I can smell all sorts of things — like my neighbors downstairs who clearly just went nuts with the Febreeze. What a fresh waft of air!
Anyway, James and Erika successfully earned a feast, or as James called it, “FEEEAAASSST!!!!!” Diane and Boogie were next, and they too managed to get their ball all the way to the top. As an added perk, the two kept uttering phrases that would sound totally naughty if given the proper porno music. You know, things like “Easy!” or “Lower!” or “Down a little!” or “Pull a little closer!” or “Can I touch your breasts?” Okay, no one said that last one — at least, not on air.
Will and Danielle were next, but they spazzed out and only managed to earn bread, kumquats, vegetables, and beer for the house on their day. Not a bad mix. Just really random. Then again, I always have kumquats with my beer.
Next up were Howie and Kaysar who easily won a feast for the household, and after them came Marcellas and Janelle. “We based our team totally on looks and whether we would get along,” Marcellas laughed. The results of that winning philosophy: veggies and beer. Yes, the two lost control and their ball dropped in a hole prematurely. Last but not least were Jase and George, and the pressure was so intense that the Chicken man couldn’t help but tremble with nervousness. The guy was shaking, but maybe that’s because he was on the verge of a heart attack. I kind of thought he might just die right then and there, especially at the rate he was perspiring. “I was sweatin’ so bad!” George told us. Too bad he didn’t make a tin foil sun visor. Anyway, he and Jase ultimately won a feast too, and as everyone celebrated, George fell to the ground. Oh no! Chicken George is down! Chicken George is down! Oh wait. Turned out he simply was sitting down. No need to be alarmed. He soon was up and chuckling once again, still trying to figure out exactly where he was anyway. His latest guesses: Memphis, Rio, and Helsinki.
After the competition, Marcellas and Janelle hung out in the red room and laughed about their utter failure to win a feast. Marcellas, sporting gigantic pit stains, complained that he just wanted to be as good as the boys. But alas, he was just a beauty queen deep down inside. No varsity letters for him. Janelle, meanwhile, told us how happy she was to be losing competitions because now people weren’t seeing her as the smart, buxom blonde anymore. Ah yes. Another reason why we love Janelle. Although, I will say that with all the giant personalities in the house, she has certainly receded into the background a bit, which is probably a smart thing. I’m sure we’ll see plenty more of her as the house numbers dwindle.
We then went to another commercial break, and before we returned, a CBS promo said that viewers could submit a wakeup call to the house guests. I personally loved this idea, and after I’m done writing this, I’m immediately researching the rules to this contest. I’m thinking the official TVgasm wakeup call is in order, yes? Speaking of slumber, we then found Mike Boogie fast asleep, and yet, while his eyes may have been closed, his mouth was open — and babbling. Turns out Boogie’s a sleep talker, and not just with passing rambles. He actually speaks loudly and clearly (but the producers unfortunately refused to subtitle him. Maybe they wanted to give him a mild degree of privacy. Boo!). Wasn’t there someone else who spoke in the middle of sleep? Was it Eric from Big Brother 3? I seem to remember he said something mildly hilarious. Help me out, people.
Anyway, like so many other parts of his personality, Boogie’s late night soliloquies were annoying everyone. “His sleep talking’s out of hand!” Janelle complained, later saying, “He kept on saying words that were scary.” I couldn’t imagine what those scary words could possibly be. I’m guessing something like “Must… wear… more… armbands…”
We then cut to 6:50 AM, and as Marcellas snored, Danielle woke up and got busy making breakfast. Turns out she’s a chronically early riser because, well, she’s a super mom. Later, she talked to Kaysar about motherhood, noting that she’s only thirty-four, but she has a daughter who’s seventeen going on to eighteen and a thirteen year old. Holy Gilmore Girls! Even crazier: she had her first child when she was sixteen. As you can imagine, this led to a whole discussion about how at sixteen Danielle was taking care of kids while her friends were out at the club, but to her credit, she didn’t seem like she was fishing for sympathy — just merely explaining herself. In fact, she only sapped up on us just a tad at the end when she said she wanted to hear her daughters say “I love you.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s not go too crazy with the family schtick, Danielle. I don’t want to have to put you in the same category as Jase. HE’S DOING IT ALL FOR CALEIGH, DAMMIT!
Up in the HOH bathroom, James and Janelle talked a little strategy about the impending nominations. They briefly mentioned Jase, which meant we got to see a random shot of the muscle man holding some corn on the cob as if it were a banana. It looked oddly amusing, but sadly, it was two years too late for any homoerotic interpretations. Anyway, James noted that Jase should have held his cards a little longer and not aligned himself so clearly with Chill Town off the get go. This was true. And to prove how true it was, we then cut back to Jase and his corn, and this time, he was gnawing away again like a little rabbit, getting tiny kernels stuck in his teeth and beard. They always say that the shiftiest people eat corn on the cob. Guilt by corn association!
Anyway, James had quite the decision in front of him, and he knew he had the power to really shake things up with his rivals. He commented, “In the words of Kaysar, if you want something done, get HOH.” Or rather, if you want to mess things up and totally squander an opportunity to get a leg up on your opposition, get HOH.
Well, soon it was time for nominations, and in honor of this event, Erika decided to attack Will with some spray-on bronzer. And thank God. I was on the verge of blindness after two weeks of his white-with-a-vengeance body. Anyway, Will went on his usual schtick about being so insulted that he hadn’t been nominated. Blah blah blah. Don’t think we can’t tell that you’ve been practicing these lines in your mirror for the past two months.
George, meanwhile, expressed fear that people might think he’s a great strategist on account of his general silence. “Little do they know, what they see is what they get!” he told us, which means that what they get is very, very sad and pathetic.
James then told us he had to do what was best for him, declaring, “Big Brother is not a team sport!” Technically, it’s not a sport at all, but that’s neither here nor there. We then went downstairs for the big nomination ceremony, and poor Will’s adventure in bronzing seemed to have come to an unfortunate impasse. His face now looked like it had been slathered in melted peanut-butter. And now, it was not a good look. Way to over-bronze, ERIKA!
Speaking of Erika, she was the first key out of the box, followed by Danielle, who darted her eyes around as if to say, “Whoa! Me???” C’mon. Don’t act surprised. Just pull the next key out and be done with it.
Also safe were Boogie (damn), Kaysar, Janelle, Diane, Jase, Marcellas, and… Howie. That meant that Will and Chicken George were officially on the block. I backed this combo. Either the most useless player or the biggest threat to the BB6ers would be out, and that worked fine for me. Plus, it will be interesting to see if people take out the easy target in George or opportunistically cut Will instead.
James then told the nominees why they were selected. Will — because he seemed to want to go home. George — because he’d been caught eavesdropping on Janelle and James. “You went after the most strategic player in Big Brother history is what you’re telling me,” George then replied. Oooh! Well played. It always smarts when a guy who dressed up in tin foil comes up with a zinger.
Of course, Will brushed the entire situation off, saying, “Being nominated does not concern me in the slightest.” Little did he know that even though he was the pawn, James wasn’t totally sold on getting rid of George. The HOH commented that if he didn’t feel safe in the house, he would gladly remove “one of the heads” of the Chill Town monster. In the meantime, he might have to deal with the wrath of Chicken George, who was not very happy with James. “You know, he walks around here like he’s the big rooster on the farm,” George said. “Well, I’ve got news for him. I bet the Colonel’s right around the corner waiting for him!” He does realize that they don’t serve rooster at KFC, right?
What do you think about the nominations? Smart picks? Or should James have put all of Chill Town up?