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Tonight on Big Brother: What came first, the chicken or the really lame egg competition?After the nomination ceremony, Russell is a bit unhappy. “Way to nominate someone on your own team, Chima! Now let’s all go have a pool party!” If that ends up being this season’s “WHO WANTS CAKE?” moment, I will be sorely disappointed. Well, more than I already am with this season.
While Jessie, Chima and Natalie congratulate each other for a nomination speech that Natalie calls “classy”, because as we all know, Natalie is the house’s authority on class, which is why I every time I turn on Big Brother After Dark, she’s chewing with her mouth open. Seriously, it’s disgusting. It’s like watching Animal Planet.
Jeff gets called to Diary Room, which makes Jessie think he is the wizard? I guess? There’s not a lot of explanation. Natalie tells Jessie that Jeff doesn’t have the power, and she’s also pretty sure that he wouldn’t use it anyway because then he would make enemies. With who, you and Jessie? I bet he’s real scared of turning you into new enemies, because you certainly weren’t going after him before! It is also worth noting that Jessie is consulting someone who is wearing a tie on her head.
Russell whispers to Jeff in the Have Not that he feels betrayed by his former allies. He offers to switch sides to their team, and Jeff says that if that happens, they have to gun for Jessie and Natalie next week. Jeff promises to allow Russell into the fold, but he has to remain loyal to them. Also he has to teach Jordan to tell time, and explain to her how spiders have intercourse.
Russell DRs that he is going to need to mend some fences if he hopes to stay in the house. He tries to cozy up to Michele first, apologizing for their fight last week. She remains firm with him, explaining that she didn’t lie about whatever idiotic thing they fought about, I guess that Chima was going to put him up or whatever, I still have no idea, because my brain is full of Survivor trivia. We get a nice flashback to show that Michele is completely wrong, which is the first time in the history of this show that they’ve used a flashback appropriately. Usually it’s just to remind us of something that happened mere seconds before, because Alison Grodner thinks that the Big Brother audience is entirely composed of fruit flies.
So anyway, Russell does such an awesome job apologizing that Michele gets mad at him again, storming off and waving her middle finger at him. There is a point at which Russell counts the number of words in a sentence incorrectly, but: this is Big Brother. I think they make you count to twenty during the audition process, and if you can get all the way there, they boot you out the front door of Endemol before you can ask for a commemorative mug.
The best part is when Russell calls after her all She heads directly upstairs to tell Chima and Natalie what happened, and then she starts crying. Chima suggests that they get rid of all of the guys, which is probably not the best thing to say with Natalie sitting right there, because I’m fairly sure that Jessie gave her a lobotomy in the storage room in Week 2.
Also, this fight is dumb. She said Chima was going to nominate Russell, and then Chima nominated Russell. What’s there to fight about? She was right. Michele tells Russell that he needs to start respecting women, which seems an odd thing to say, because Russell does not discriminate when it comes to yelling at people. He is clearly an equal opportunity crazypants.
Time to pick players for the veto competition! Chima draws Natalie. Russell gets to choose his own player, and he chooses Jeff, much to Jessie’s surprise. Lydia gets to pick who plays too, and she chooses Kevin, of course. Jessie bitches in the Diary Room about how he doesn’t even get a chance to protect himself against the wizard power. Last year, Jessie got kicked out of the house because Dan was America’s Player for the week and that ended up being the deciding vote. How tasty would it be to watch Jessie get kicked out by America again when Jeff uses the wizard power against him?
Veto Competition! The backyard is decorated like a farm, and of course everyone is wearing chicken suits. I fear, for a moment, that they will bring Chicken George back to host a competition, but then I remember that he can’t read and breathe a sigh of relief. The players in this competition will use their fingers to lift eggs up through a fence and through a hole. The first player to get 12 eggs from the chicken coop into the stand wins the veto.
When I say that this is the least interesting Veto Competition ever, I do not exaggerate. They just work these eggs up the fence through the tiny holes and it goes on forever and ever. It is the worst use of chicken suits ever. The most satisfying part of the competition is that Natalie is terrible at it, and it is always enjoyable to watch her get frustrated.
Jeff isn’t too good at it either; every time he drops an egg, he punches the chicken coop and rattles the whole structure. Don’t hit it too hard, Jeff! This show is not known for its big budget, and the whole structure could collapse like a Jenga Tower. If Natalie were crushed in the rubble, however, it would not be a total loss. Death By Jenga is certainly not the worst way to go. That would be Death By Ants In The Pants, if you’re curious.
Kevin and Russell are neck in neck with one egg left apiece. Russell spends so much time trying to psych out Kevin that it backfires and he slows himself down instead, and Kevin gets his final egg out first and wins the Veto.
Afterwards, Kevin and Lydia dance silently in bathroom. Man, they’re going to be really sad when they find out that John Hughes died last week. Whose movies will they base their entire personalities on now? I’m hoping its Peter Jackson; Lydia would make a really awesome Gollum.
Kevin drops the bomb immediately, telling Lydia that she’s staying and it’s not even a question, so he wants to do what’s best for them strategically. This means not using the Veto, which will allow them to cement themselves further with Chima’s alliance. That’s actually not a terrible idea, not that Lydia has figured that out, because Lydia only thinks about what Lydia wants. She whines and complains about how she would save Kevin if Kevin were up, which who gives a shit. She’s also has a new costume on that involves a burka. Isn’t she original and stylish? Is she not separated from the pack with her originality and personality? Aren’t you amazed by how different and cool she is? TELL HER SHE’S PRETTY!
Russell drags Jessie into the storage room to make a last ditch effort at staying in the house. He tells Jessie that his shot at winning the money leaves with Russell, because Chima will turn all the women against him and he’ll be completely screwed. I’m not sure Jessie’s too worried about that, since Natalie is currently crawling around in the kitchen looking for the contact lens that Jessie lost. Jessie tells Russell that his only option is to convince Chima to put Jeff up in his place, which I’m not sure I entirely understand. It’s like these people are speaking a different language this season. One without complete sentences. Really, just a series of grunts.
Jessie wants to know why Russell picked Jeff for the veto; Russell’s excuse is that he had picked Jessie, than they would know they’re together. Um, Russell? It is week five. I really don’t think there is too much confusion anymore about who is aligned with whom. There is no need for subterfuge on that front. Of course, Jessie the whole discussion about Jessie, because why talk about anything else, so he’s all “this was my only chance to win!” and save himself from the special wizard power. If Jessie gets kicked out, he’s not been screwed by the system, he will have screwed himself by making Russell doubt his allegiance, thus making him choose Jeff earlier. But whatever, nothing is ever Jessie’s fault. America is a meanie!
Jessie goes right upstairs to Jeff and tells him everything that Russell just told him. Jessie says it’s to make sure that Jeff knows that Russell can’t be trusted, but Jeff is supposed to trust Jessie? Even Jordan is like “Yeah, I have no idea why Jessie is trying so hard,” when he does the same thing to her, and when Jordan figures out that you have ulterior motives? You’re in trouble, because Jordan can’t even figure out the ending to an M. Night Shamalyan movie.
In the backyard, Jeff listens to Jordan tell him how Jessie is trying so, so hard to be nice and share information because he thinks one of them has the wizard power. “I would LOVE to see Jessie and Natalie up on the block up against each other,” he tells her. We would too, idiot! That’s why we gave you the power! DO IT.
Later, Chima tries to get Jessie to hurry up and get out of the shower, because I’m sure it takes him forever to Nair his whole body every day. God, what a douche. I bet he uses all the hot water, too. Russell sees this as an opportunity to needle Chima a little bit, and I guess this is the boiling point for them because all of a sudden Chima is calling him a terrorist, which is more than a little racist, frankly. She tries to backpedal and argue that she was using the term literally because he “terrorizes everyone in the house”, but: come on. We all know what she was going for there, right?
The editors try to be fair by showing a montage of Russell “terrorizing” houseguests throughout his stay in the house, but it’s mostly there so that CBS can say that they stayed in the middle during this argument.
Russell certainly knows what she was going for, because he picks up on her Oh Shit, I Can’t Believe I Just Said That On National Television face and runs with it, shouting to America that she’s a racist and exposing her for a hypocrite. You can tell the whole thing really doesn’t bother him that much because he’s smirking the entire time, so this really isn’t that big of a deal, but Russell is definitely not dumb, and he sees this as an opportunity to weaken Chima. Also, why show this racial outburst and not the one from Week One? I guess CBS learned its lesson on that front the first time. You know, when someone got called a wigger on Barnaby Jones.
So then Chima and Russell start getting all “I know you are, but what am I?” with each other, shouting the same thing over and over again, each trying to be louder than the other. There’s not much else to do but shout and hope to yell your way out of it once you’ve called someone of Arab descent a terrorist, so Chima tries to turn it around on him by calling him a sexist and flaunting the fact that he’s going to be evicted by a woman in his face. Is there some sort of evidence that Russell is a misogynist that I am missing? I’m guessing Chima’s just using it as an excuse to band the women together, but I may have missed something when I was spending most of this episode not giving a shit.
Hey, do you know what heals the wounds quickly after a fight involving racial epithets? Why, a movie starring Jeremy Piven, of course! Hey, haven’t you wondered what it would be like if Ari Gold were a car salesman? Because I know I sure have! This movie is just the first of many “Hey, what if Ari Gold were a (fill in the blank)?” films, so do prepare yourself for that, everyone. And don’t think that you can fool me by putting Ken Jeong and Ed Helms in the preview, either, faceless movie studio executives. I am onto you and your games.
Before the veto meeting, Lydia and her stupid teal burka (because when you’re wearing the religious attire of a culture with which you are unfamiliar, make sure it matches your makeup!) whine to Russell that Kevin isn’t going to use the veto on her. The thing that bugs me the most about Lydia is that she’s always the victim, and other people are always wronging her and she’s never at fault. Essentially, she is Jessie with tattoos. This all could have been avoided if she had, you know, won the veto herself, but whatever, right? Kevin’s a meanie!
So of course Russell tells Kevin and Kevin goes to Lydia, asking her not to tell everyone what he’s planning on doing and taking her into the Green Room to talk about it a bit more. Kevin tries to get Lydia to think long term about her safety in the house instead of this week. Kevin is making sense, so Lydia gets passive aggressive with him, all “I’m sorry that you’ve never been nominated, and I’m sorry that I would use the veto on you,” to make him feel guilty. Kevin caves and tells her that fine, he will use the veto, and she of course then doesn’t want him to. Kevin, fed up with Lydia (welcome to the party, yo) is like “Whatever, you’re fucked in two weeks if I do this,” which is both hilarious and true, not that Lydia cares at all about throwing salt on Kevin’s game. Doesn’t he know that he’s supposed to be there to help Lydia win? How dare he try to do something that benefits the both of them! What a dick!
Time for the veto ceremony. Lydia sits there with her stupid pouty face and terrible church hair while Kevin gives them both a chance to speak.
Russell tells Kevin he doesn’t expect him to use the veto and sits back down. Lydia tries to lay it on thick, all “you know I loooove you” when she talks. In the end, Kevin declines to use the veto, telling Lydia that he she understands and that they can talk about it later. Jessie is indignant, trying to be sarcastic like “Thanks a lot, America,” because it is our fault he is a giant turd with muscles that no one likes and thus will not vote to help. God, we’re mean! If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to kill some innocent bunnies.