Okay, I’m gonna be honest. I know the weekend episodes of Big Brother aren’t supposed to be that thrilling, but tonight’s show was a bit, uh, slow. You know me. I love my Big Brother and will be hard-pressed to ever say anything against the House that Chen Built, but I just wasn’t that into this latest hour. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m tired and hung over or something like that. Or maybe it’s because compared to the weave-pullin’, pants-poopin’ antics of Flavor of Love, an afternoon pizza party in the Big Brother compound seemed a bit tame. Whatever the reason, my inner snark-o-tron was not going off as expected.
That’s not to say there wasn’t fun stuff this hour. Oh no. There’s always a handful of fun times in the household, especially when there’s a new person in charge. Going into this show, we were left wondering who would win the latest HOH endurance competition. Would season six remain in power? Or would someone else finally take the reins? But most importantly: would anyone ever be able to explain why a hungry spider spews shaving cream?This week’s show began with the gang still hanging out in that spider web which Julie Chen so happily introduced to us this past Thursday. The object of the exercise was for people to hang out on the ropes — the last one on would win Head of Household. This didn’t sound very difficult, but keep in mind that this web tilted a little bit! And sometimes swayed! Hardcore!
Erika then came on screen and told us, “I was not going to give up until I won.” Yes, Erika, that sounds all fine and good, but perhaps you didn’t anticipate the latest twist in this game: the random, unexplained spider jizz. Yes, attentive viewers from Thursday’s show will certainly remember the Chenbot telling the house guests, “And I see that the spider’s getting a little hungry; so I think we need to whet its appetite.” This was then followed by a deluge of shaving cream and other white, gooey substances. Two questions. A) If the spider is hungry, why must we whet its appetite? Isn’t the whole point of whetting an appetite to arouse one’s eagerness? If the spider is already hungry, there’s no need to try to make it hungrier. It’s already hungry! It’s a hungry spider! B) What spider spews any sort of jizz-like substance when hungry? Normally, I’d say this spider was merely bulimic, but the purging usually comes after the meal. Clearly, this entire spider endeavor was poorly thought out. Shame on whoever supplied the Chenbot with this silly spider narration.
Okay. Glad we got that out of the way. It was really bothering me. Anyway, with the spider splooging (and shrieking at the same time. Don’t want to even touch those Freudian issues), Marcellas commented, “The HOH competition was actually really fun until they started squirting the shaving cream or whatever the hell that was. It ruined another belt, which I’m invoicing Big Brother for!” Lesson Marcellas should have learned four years ago: only wear Target brand accessories on reality TV.
After some time, the spider web tilted dramatically, causing Will to say, “Hey, um, Boogie, just so I can make sure, I’m a 33 year-old doctor on a big, giant spider web, right?” Perhaps the proper question should have been, “Hey, um, Boogie, just so I can make sure, I’m a 33 year-old doctor who clearly wasn’t smart enough to anticipate the potentially ridiculous situations I could face on a summer reality show, right?”
Anyway, as far as endurance competitions go, this one was not the jewel in Big Brother‘s crown. Everyone was basically chilling out, with Marcellas going so far as to pose on the ropes for an imaginary camera. Since it didn’t look like anyone would be dropping anytime soon, we then went back and relived Diane’s not-so-shocking departure last week. As you can imagine, all the floaters were pissed about the way things went down under Janelle’s reign as Head of Household. Marcellas was annoyed. Danielle was angry. James was livid. You know, all the usual stuff. Diane’s eviction brought great sadness to the household, but at least Will was there to liven things up. He embraced Erika and said, “Hug it out, bitch!” Bold move by CBS. Allowing an Entourage quote the very same night that it aired. Of course, I’m probably the only one amused by this little dash of Ari Gold irony; so I’ll just move on.
Well, Erika was thrilled to have escaped eviction, and even though she was bummed that Diane had to go, she happily noted, “But I got TO STAY!!!!” And with that, she leaned back in her diary-room chair and kicked the air. Shockingly, this did not cause her to then choke up and cry.
We then returned to the present where Howie was busy clapping his hands together and yelling, “Big boy likes spider sperm!” And yes, you can rank that as one of the most unlikely phrases to ever air on CBS. It was actually pretty funny, if only because the house guests were similarly confused by the entire spider ejaculate simulation the producers were so intent on portraying.
Anyway, Will and Howie shared some barbs, and then we headed into a Howie montage as we saw just how much he eats on a regular basis. Believe me, this was not a shocker. The guy’s stomach has been ballooning outwards at such a rapid pace that I’m pretty sure he’s already been booked on Celebrity Fit Club 5 with Alfonso Ribeiro and Harriet from Small Wonder.
So what does it take to sate Hurricane Howie’s ravenous appetite? If you answered “Four Philly cheese steak sandwiches,” you’d be on the right track. Yes, Chicken George actually whipped up for of the tasty sandwiches, and Howie ate them all at once; although, to be fair, they were sort of on the small side. It was more like Howie had really only consumed two full-sized Philly cheese steaks, not that that’s any better. Dr. Will was moved to comment that Howie’s cholesterol was like that of a hippopotamus, which was interesting because I didn’t know that hippopotami were known for their strikingly high cholesterol. Then again, they are quite hungry, hungry.
Anyway, somewhere along the line, Will started calling Howie “big boy,” which was quite Gordon Ramsay-ish of him and certainly sweeter than his other moniker, “bloated, half-dead, diabetic manatee.” But enough about Star Jones Reynolds. Rimshot! Oh, I had to do it.
This was all fun and games, but later, Danielle had a heart-to-heart with Jedi Howie and alerted him that he’d put on an alarming amount of pounds. It had gotten to the point where he’d formed a “FUPA body.” Whatever may come of this conversation, I’m just happy that “FUPA” has finally reached network TV. Bravo, CBS.
Well, the two had a touching moment, and after Howie promised to eat better and stay away from the ice cream (which he promptly ate two seconds later), we returned to the web where one person asked, “Did someone just fart?” Chicken George then replied with a defeated and sorrowful, “Yeaaahhh.” Man, he really just surrendered to that. He could have kept his mouth quiet, let Howie take the blame. But I guess that’s not the way George plays. He’s an honest man, and if someone accuses him of farting, gosh darnit, he will proudly ‘fess up to it!
Anyway, twenty-eight minutes into this webby challenge, Will dropped out, citing a desire to walk around. The good news was that he could satisfy his raging wanderlust. The bad news was that the egg he opened up (remember? There were five Alien-ish eggs waiting to be opened for the first people to drop down) contained nothing but yellow gunk. No prize for Will.
For whatever reason, Boogie then came on screen to babble about whatever. I don’t remember what he was saying because I was too distracted by his grammatically worrisome shirt. It read “Im Rich B****!” which was lame for several reasons. First and most obviously, it was a tired retread of a Chappelle’s Show quote. Second, there was a mild comma omission after the word “Rich,” and lastly, the missing apostrophe for “Im” was borderline unforgivable. Basically, it was like an overwrought ironic-T with typos. The only thing worse would have been if he had worn a shirt that said, “Jesus Is My Hoamboy” or “Everybody Love’s A Spicy Latina” or “Gettin’ Lucky In Kintucky.”
Anyway, we soon found out the real reason why Will had dropped off the web so quickly was because he wanted a little one-on-one time with Janelle, who wasn’t competing since she was the outgoing HOH. The two chatted in the kitchen about the status of the house and alliances and whatnot, and at one point, Janelle asked, “Think the rest of the house is mad at me?”
“No!” Will replied.
“Seriously?” she replied back. Oh, poor, naive Janelle. Whatever happened to the smart, manipulative girl we knew and loved so much? This couldn’t be the same woman. She was falling for Will’s game hook, line, and sinker. She even believed him when he said that he, Boogie, Janelle, and Howie would all protect each other in the upcoming weeks. Little did she know that the “Legion of Doom” was already arming for battle. And yes, I’ll explain the Legion of Doom later.
Well, at two hours into the web competition, Janelle walked outside and informed the players that they’d now have to change positions. Everyone’s head and torso now had to be below the web, meaning that everyone had to dangle from their arms and legs. You know, like the way we expected this challenge to be before it turned into HammockFest 2006. Well, everyone changed positions, and immediately there was exciting drama as James’s feet swung below him, bringing his HOH hopes into intense jeopardy. What would happen??
We then went to commercial where for a few minutes, we pondered James’s fate, and when we returned, we saw him still dangling. Luckily for him, he found some inner-strength (or at least he’d been using the Ab-Lounge), and he yanked his feet back up on the web. Crisis averted! For at least two minutes, at least. Next thing we knew, after all that, James had had enough, and he dropped down to the net below. Sadly, he was out of the running, but at least he got to pick an egg, and what was his reward? The ability to nullify one eviction vote. Could be very useful (provided that we ever get a vote that’s not unanimous or close to it).
A few minutes later, Boogie reached his limits, and with a few loud, annoying screams, he fell from the web (and then continued to scream a little more). Kaysar soon followed, leaving Howie as the only season sixer left. But first: egg time! Boogie managed to win ten thousand dollars for himself, and Kaysar got… nothing. Wah wah wah. He can’t even pick eggs properly! Anyway, this meant that there was only one egg left, and inside was a slop pass. You’d think that Chicken George would be the first off the ropes, but he steadfastly refused to quit, despite his roommates’ pleas. As a result, Marcellas dropped next and won the pass. He was so frustrated that he kicked the broken egg shell, causing a shocked James to yell, “Marcellas!” THERE SHALL BE NO EGG KICKING!!
Sadly for Chicken George, his attempt for the HOH crown was all in vain because he soon dropped about a minute later, which meant he might as well have gone for that slop pass while he had the chance. This left only three people on the web (Erika, Danielle, and Howie), and while season six technically still had a shot, we knew there was no way that “Big Boy” was gonna be able to fight gravity much longer. At one point, Danielle reprimanded Howie for shaking the ropes so much with his movements, which got me thinking that Howie should have merely shook the other two off. They would have dropped like dead leaves. But alas, we can only expect so much from Hurricane Howie.
Anyway, it looked like it was gonna be all over for Danielle as she lowered her legs and said she was out, but dunh dunh DUNH! She suddenly had a surge of will power and put herself back on the web. She was gonna finish this bad boy out! Howie, on the other hand, was reaching his breaking point. Erika and Danielle told him he’d be safe if he dropped, and if there’s anything Howie should have learned from last season, it was that people are always so trustworthy during these endurance competitions. Nevertheless, the big oaf fell, leaving just the two girls.
“Erika. Erika, give it to me,” Danielle pleaded.
“You got it, Dan,” she responded, happily hopping off the web. Hey, what happened to “I wasn’t going to give up until I won”? Oh well. I guess Erika didn’t want the HOH target on her back. This meant that for the first time ever, I believe, Danielle had won Head of Household. This was bad news for season six, but for the viewers, a much needed change of pace. I kind of wanted Chill Town in power, just to really shake things up (and prove to season six how dumb they’ve been), but Danielle was sure to cause some major damage, and I was happy to finally get a new regime in power.
“I’m the black widow!!!” she yelled in triumph as she descended from her web. It was a nifty little nickname, especially when she said she wanted to catch some houseflies (you know the insane fan boards are just eating that up. Oh wait, I guess we are an insane fan board). Moments later, we then learned of the “Legion of Doom!” which at first seemed like a tongue-in-cheek joke she and James had created to describe their alliance with Will and Boogie. I began to chuckle, but then when I realized that they were calling themselves that in earnest, my laughter quickly transformed into intense eye-rolling. First “The Four Horsemen.” Then “The Friendship.” Now “Legion of Doom”?? (I won’t even deign to mention “The Santa Monica Van Boys”.) I would have suggested the Confederacy of Ill-Repute and Scandalous Affairs, but I guess that’s too wordy (however, the acronym would have been the more efficient, CIRSA).
After the break, we then found Dr. Will ambling through the house, complaining of intense back pain. Apparently, after Boogie had won ten grand, Will had tried to pick him up as part of a victory celebration. However, because Mike Malin is so incredibly obese, Dr. Will’s back gave out, thus making it the second victory celebration for Chill Town that’s ended in embarrassing injury. The good news was that Kaysar was willing to crack his back (in a good way), but his chiropractic skills were highly questionable. “I saw a chiropractor crack someone’s back once, and I figured, what the heck? I’ll give it a try,” Kaysar said. Sounds good to me! Hey, I once saw this doctor perform an appendectomy on TV. That pretty much certifies me for surgery. Step right up, people!
Anyway, despite his highly impressive background, all Kaysar managed to do was create an incredibly intense homoerotic situation. Danielle then tries to give it a whirl, but she became too distracted by some sort of bizarre hump in Will’s back. Eventually, Kaysar gave it a second try, this time using a sheet to cover up Will’s pale, bare-chested torso, but alas, it seemed as though no massage could cure the good doctor. Amidst all this, I was just shocked that Boogie didn’t jump at the chance to molest his master. You know he’d been waiting all season long for the perfect opportunity.
Later, season six all hung out on their beds, and James tried to make Janelle feel badly about her picks the week before. “We are all going to reap the repercussions,” he said passive-aggressively. Janelle said she’d probably go up against Marcellas, and if she did, she’d have the votes to stay, right guys? Right? Yeah, not sure about that. Your alliance kind of hates you.
A vengeful James then showed up in the Diary Room and said of Janelle, “This Anna Nicole Smith wannabe is probably the dumbest person to ever play this game.” Ouch. Does his mother with her gigantic crucifix know that he speaks this way? He’ll be in for a lashing!
Upstairs, it was time to see Danielle’s new HOH room. The color scheme was a merciful change from Janelle’s hideous Pink Palace, the producers opting to use all brown and lime green colors. Among all her luxury items, Danielle received a letter from her mom, which meant we had to listen to a nice albeit boring ode to Danielle from her family. She then cried in the Diary Room about how much she loved her mom, and the entire sequence was capped off by George saying in his drunken way, “You! Go! Girl!” Make that man an honorary sistah right now!
In an unexpected treat, the producers then gave the houseguests all sorts of pizza, which was awesome for everyone; everyone but George, that is. He instead sat on his bed and stared at dust (which just so happened to be his favorite activity going into the game). Feeling guilty and charitable, Marcellas then walked in and gave him his slop pass. The Chicken Man refused to take it, but eventually, he grabbed the pass and walked into the kitchen where he announced again that he would not be using it. He made a deal, dammit, and he was going to uphold it. 60 days with all slop. But eventually, he realized that he kind of wanted that pizza and stuff; so with a lump in his throat, he accepted Marcellas’s kind gift and began to chow down. This led to some cheesy editing as George and Marcellas shared appreciative glances in slow-motion, and even though I never saw The Legend of Bagger Vance, this is how I imagined a really lame version of it would be.
Afterwards, Danielle summoned James over to her bed and said, “James, I have an idea that I think you’re not going to be happy about.” Uh oh. She wanted to put up floaters too? No. Even worse. She wanted to put up James. Yikes! Her logic was that if she put up Janelle, she didn’t want her to win the veto. This way, James, the veto king, was guaranteed to play and hopefully win. Besides, such a move would cast doubt on their alliance. It was a risky proposition, and James was certainly not happy with it (especially since competing for the veto in this household was considerably harder than going up against the likes of Maggie, April, and Ivette). But hey, it would all be worth it to get rid of Janelle, at least according to James. After all, “she’s not the same girl she was last year. She’s like a fat piece of shit this year.” Okay, I’m enjoying his bitterness, but some of us are still lighting a candle for Janelle. Don’t be dissin’ my girl!
As we went to commercial break, Danielle noted, “I know you’re going to be okay.” WARNING! WARNING! Danger ahead for the Legion of Doom!!!
When we returned, we found Marcellas telling Danielle who he’d put up on the block: Kaysar and Janelle, despite the fact that she’s his girl. The producers probably wanted to portray his duplicitous nature, but honestly, just this past week, Janelle told Julie Chen that she’d cut Marcellas before her alliance; so I didn’t think it was so bad for him to betray her like that. That didn’t stop Danielle, however, from saying, “Marcellas is throwing Janelle under a semi with a bus with ten pounds of cement and he’s standing on top of it.” Honestly, at that point, how much of a difference does ten pounds of cement really make?
We then headed up to Danielle’s HOH room where she was now talking to Kaysar. Conveniently for Pepperidge Farm, there was a giant bag of Double Chunk cookies prominently placed on a table, perfectly angled for the camera. Shut up, PRODUCT PLACEMENT… delicious, savory product placement. Must buy Pepperidge Farm victuals… Mmmm… Milanos…. Orange Milanos… GENEVAS (okay, I’m starving now).
Anyway, Danielle wanted to speak with Kaysar because he was sort of like her homey. There were only two people she got honest answers from in the household: Kaysar and herself. Well, she had better not get too cozy with that whole “Honesty” idea because she asked him “Did you have a deal with Chill Town?” and he replied, “No.” And for those of you keeping score at home, that would be a lie. She then asked, “Did Janelle have a deal with Chill Town?” And again, Kaysar lied, “No.”
Unfortunately for Kaysar, being a religious man was really working against his game because he could barely keep the ruse up when pressed with the simplest questions. Danielle wanted to know why Janelle didn’t nominate both members of Chill Town, causing Kaysar to pause a while before letting out an, “Um…” He then added, “Hold on, let me think of a story. I mean, DOH!”
Okay, he didn’t say that, but he did say, “I believe if…” which was followed by general muttering, which trailed off into silence. Note to Danielle: when people say “I believe” and their eyes get all shifty and look away, chances are they’re lying or covering something up. Nevertheless, Danielle had other thing to tend to, namely, letting Kaysar know that she wasn’t very tight with James at all. He seemed to believe her, and as he left the room, she told us, “I need to make sure someone from Season Six walks out that door.” See? That’s what it’s all about. Simple, simple strategy. None of this junk about getting rid of floaters and yada yada yada. It’s about eliminating the direct threats.
We then went to commercial again, and in a delightful surprise, CBS let us relive that glorious scene from last season when The Friendship cried their eyes out upon losing America’s Choice. This year’s been quite fun, but seeing those clips from last season just reminded me of how glorious season six was. I have one word for you, CBS: DVD!!
After the break, we then were treated to the weekly montage of an HOH pondering which keys to put in the box. Various house guests weighed in with their thoughts on the situation, but no one said anything interesting; so let’s just get to the nomination ceremony. Danielle told the assembled group that after last week’s nominations and veto ceremony, she’d rather be safe than sorry (way to go, Janelle). You know, just two weeks ago, Danielle and Marcellas were totally Season Six Adjacent. Now they’re both gunning for them. This is what happens when you leave Chill Town around!
Well, people began pulling keys. Erika, Howie, George, Mike, Marcellas, and Will were all safe. This left one key in the box. Who would go up on the block? We knew Janelle was a sure bet, but would Danielle take the risky route and put James up? Or would she simply nominated Kaysar and play it safe? Will pulled the final key, and it belonged to… Kaysar! That’s right, Janelle and James were up.
“Expect the unexpected with me,” Danielle said. Nice use of Chenbot Lingo! Or as I like to call it, Chengo!
Danielle tried to explain her choices, but she ultimately wound up employing her new favorite phrase, “It is what it is.” Janelle was not happy with any of this, telling us, “Frankly, I think she’s a bitch.” She then registered shock that James would be up on the block too, especially given his relationship with Danielle. “I hope it’s not all an act,” she said with a goofy smile. Oh Janey. It’s gonna be an uphill battle this week. But then again, if anyone’s been able to squeeze out of a tight spot, it’s Janelle.
Lookin’ forward to the Veto Competition!
What did you think about this episode? Did Danielle make the smartest picks? Or is this plan too entirely risky?