Recap: Big Brother: The Mole

Hey! Schoonie and Flipit here! We missed our live blog this past Sunday so we’re making it up tonight!

It all seemed so cut and dry coming into this episode. Jen and Kail were up for eviction and it would be a pretty tough call as to which of these masterpieces would go home on Thursday… But as we’ve learned, the veto competition can change everything! Will it tonight?

Come along! This is the Big Brother Veto Competition!

***Flipit’s tivo crapped out. Pics will be added this afternoon! Sorry bout that!

FLIPIT HOLLA!!!

SCHOONIE Holler!

FLIPIT Sorry I’m late! I had to go downstairs and buy a brownie!! I was having a bad craving for choco.

SCHOONIE K

FLIPIT PMS

SCHOONIE It’s all good…I totally get it

FLIPIT How was your bday?!?

SCHOONIE I passed out in the closet.

FLIPIT And eventually you had to come out of the closet. Welcome!

SCHOONIE Yeah, I sort of walked into that one.

FLIPIT Now walk out! The water’s fine!

SCHOONIE Do not include that in the liveblog.

FLIPIT OK!!

FLIPIT It’s almost on!

SCHOONIE Oh god, you editing this thing this week is bad.

FLIPIT HAHA yes, yes it is.

FLIPIT Do you think that Nick is playin’ Daniele?

SCHOONIE I think Nick is a douche…his hair is dumb, his facial hair is dumb, he has seriously NO GAME AT ALL. It’s ridiculous.

FLIPIT Maybe that is his game. Playin’ dumb. He’s on no one’s radar and both Daniele and Dick are kinda on his side. People who work out that much have a certain kind of dedication that makes me think they have mental power.

SCHOONIE I don’t think so…he’s actually dumb.

FLIPIT Darn.

SCHOONIE But so is Jen, and she’s awesome, so…

FLIPIT When she licked her spoon and watched Jameka almost starve to death I had to pause and laugh my ass off.

SCHOONIE ME TOO.

SCHOONIE “I can’t…feel sorry for people”

SCHOONIE That was awesome.

The Previously on Big Brother plays.



SCHOONIE It’s starting.

SCHOONIE Dick just said Jen is nominated her to “spank her” haha.

FLIPIT Watch out. She’ll kick your nuts in.

FLIPIT My feed froze! What’d I miss!

SCHOONIE Um….just Kail being dumb. Probably the worst strategic player in the house.

FLIPIT Going to Danielle to try and get Dick out=dddumb.



SCHOONIE Eric’s instigating a streaking. I don’t remember that America’s Choice.

FLIPIT Please don’t suggest everyone get naked when Dick’s around.

FLIPIT I just ate a brownie.

FLIPIT Woah, Zach. Put on some clothes!!

SCHOONIE Amber: “He was streaking, and…WAAAAAH!” TEARS

FLIPIT I am crying too, Amber! I don’t think you stand around and announce that you are gona streak before you do it. Zach just stood there naked.

SCHOONIE More embarassing: being naked or having your collar popped on national television?

FLIPIT Tough one.

FLIPIT Zach says he’s comfortable taking his nakedness into his own hands. Please don’t. This is family hour.

Stock in Dolphin Crash just took a huge nosedive.

Kail and Jen about the Veto Challenge in the bedroom.

FLIPIT Kail looks 500 years old in night vision.

FLIPIT No, Kail. No one thinks Dirty’s God.

SCHOONIE Not true: dude knows everyone in Hollywood. That’s the same as Scientology, basically.

FLIPIT I think he valets celebrities’ cars or something. He doesn’t know know them.

Hey! What’s Jessica Tandy doing on Big Brother??

Someone comes in the room.

SCHOONIE Is Mike talking?

SCHOONIE I have no idea who that person is.

FLIPIT Dunno. Moles don’t show up in night vision.

SCHOONIE Kail’s grammar is SO bad.

FLIPIT I wonder if everyone in her town talks like that.

SCHOONIE “All of us is gonna work our hardest.”

SCHOONIE WTF?

FLIPIT You was late. For work. Todaaaay.

FLIPIT You is fired.

SCHOONIE Me is evicted!

SCHOONIE Amber: “People weren’t conjugating their verbs correctly and…WAAAAH!”

Dick comes in to get all confrontational with Kail and she tries to say she’s an honest person.

FLIPIT She has a very high opinion of herself. Just not gay people. Or Dick. Or gay people.

SCHOONIE So, I agree with Dick: Kail’s not a good player.

FLIPIT Great. Now you’re agreeing with Dick.

SCHOONIE Why do I keep walking into gay jokes tonight?

FLIPIT She just said she doesn’t know what she thinks about Mike. Right after she said how loyal she is.

SCHOONIE I know…and she’s selling out Jen.

FLIPIT No kidding. She tells Dick Jenius is after Daniele. Shocker. Thanks for that juicy info, Kail.

SCHOONIE For real. Also, this just in: Dustin and Amber are tight.

FLIPIT Here’s a newsflash: Nick has sucked a weenie. Don’t tell anyone cuz it was only on national TV.

SCHOONIE Dick’s tats look sort of rad in night vision.

FLIPIT Stop loving Dick, Schoonie. Stop it.

Commercial.

SCHOONIE Can I tell you how dumb Rush Hour 3 looks?

FLIPIT How is Chris Tucker still working?

SCHOONIE Also still working: Rob Schneider.

FLIPIT ARGH. Don’t remind me.

SCHOONIE I think Dick keeps getting them movies…he probably knows Brian Grazer or something.

FLIPIT After he changes their oil.

SCHOONIE And sells them weed.

FLIPIT And abandons their children.

SCHOONIE They should put Katie Couric in the BB house.

FLIPIT NO SHIT. That would be amazing. They should put Katie Couric in Kid Nation.

SCHOONIE Hey! Wasn’t that dude with the glasses Melissa Gilbert’s boyfriend on Roseanne?

FLIPIT Dude is there anyone writing sitcoms anymore? It’s a decade later and David is still being a huge pussy on my TV!

And we’re back with Eric for tonight’s America’s Player Challenge. The country voted for Eric to vandalize something of…Jen’s!

FLIPIT America’s Eyebrows.

SCHOONIE GOD…why doesn’t anyone like Jen? She’s great. I can understand why people in the house don’t like her, but come on, America!

FLIPIT She’s the Three Stooges rolled into one!

FLIPIT With boobs!

SCHOONIE HAHAHA…He just mustarded her ‘Jenth Degree’ shirt.

FLIPIT OH SHIT. He should have made a moustache on her picture.

SCHOONIE I hope this is like that scene in Jackass: The Movie where they put mustard in that guy’s hair.

SCHOONIE That dude fuckin’ flipped out.

FLIPIT Oh man. Jen’s gonna kick him in the balls so hard.

SCHOONIE Dear Jen: When you wear a shirt with your own name on it, you bring this upon yourself. Love, Schoonie.

Jen questions the HG’s, asking everyone “are you the one in second grade?”

FLIPIT Jameka sounds a little defensive there.

FLIPIT I’d mark her down as guilty if I didn’t know better. “It’s not like I was even in the area or had the idea or would even want to do something like that!”

SCHOONIE Eric’s wearing a ‘That’s What She Said’ shirt. An Office reference automatically makes someone cool.

FLIPIT Uh, No it doesn’t.

SCHOONIE What, you don’t use ‘That’s What She Said’ in daily life? It’s a pretty multi-purpose phrase.

SCHOONIE There you go, Jess is playing the veto.

FLIPIT That’s what she said. See? Dumb.

SCHOONIE I guess the gays don’t have much reference for ‘That’s What She Said’, maybe. Like, ‘That’s What He Said’?

FLIPIT OK I will start using that phrase again. It will be like 1984 repeating. Maybe I’ll grow some hair on my head.

SCHOONIE Michael Scott has brought it back, it’s cool again.

FLIPIT Oh goodie. Eric’s hosting the Veto Competion! He’s such a riot!

Dick corners Jen in the pantry and tells her Kail’s campaigning against her.

SCHOONIE Way to rat out Kail to Jen, Dick. That’s actually a pretty good move.

FLIPIT I love that Jen’s like “of course she is.” ITS A GAME!

SCHOONIE I know! That’s why Jen isn’t crying every three seconds. I enjoy that she’s not taking this seriously.

FLIPIT Man. Dicks being a dick to everyone in the house. He’s digging a future grave for himself.

SCHOONIE See, I don’t think he has to be this forward, but the Jen move was good.

FLIPIT Did Jen just say she feels bad? For KAIL? WTF?

SCHOONIE Dick looks like he showered….I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Is he trying to make friends with Jen? That’s sort of awesome.

FLIPIT He should do it in secret and not blare it to the whole house.

SCHOONIE A Dick/Jen alliance is something I can root for.

SCHOONIE Best final two ever!

FLIPIT Oh man me 2!

FLIPIT That would be brilliant!!

Commercial.

FLIPIT Mmmm. Taquitos.

SCHOONIE Taquitos from Taco Bell? That doesn’t sound good at all, and I love Taco Bell.

FLIPIT GORDITAS. I want that commercial to come on.

FLIPIT Ty Pennington isn’t aging very well.

SCHOONIE It’s all the DUIs.

FLIPIT And all the aging.

SCHOONIE He’s the Billy Joel of the home improvement industry.

FLIPIT But not fat and neckless.

Time for the Veto Competition!



SCHOONIE OMG, Eric’s outfit.

FLIPIT Holy shit Jiminy Cricket!

SCHOONIE I guess he’s supposed to be the ‘Mad Hatter’?

FLIPIT Kail looks hot in her suit.

SCHOONIE I told you, she’s hot.

FLIPIT Kail?

SCHOONIE Well, she’s scary without makeup, but hot w/it.

FLIPIT She looks like a power dyke. I hope her kids don’t see this.

FLIPIT Dick still looks just as gross.

SCHOONIE Nick looks like the lost member of Panic at the Disco.

SCHOONIE And just as annoying.

The Challenge is to balance martini glasses on your stupid hat.

SCHOONIE Wait, so it’s endurance?

FLIPIT Kail’s out first!!

SCHOONIE HAHAHA

FLIPIT The gay people did it. Where’s she going? Into her bed. Wuss.

SCHOONIE She sucks…I bet the producers are so mad that they cast her.

FLIPIT She’s so dramatic.

FLIPIT She looks like Melissa Etheridge.

FLIPIT Who’s in the pink afro?

SCHOONIE Man, these people have no shame.

SCHOONIE I think Mike? But I have no idea who that is.

FLIPIT The maid uniform!!

FLIPIT I like when Jessica narrates.

SCHOONIE Daniele has a stache.

FLIPIT Yeah, a skeleton in a moustache. Like teengaers broke into Pirates of the Caribbean and fucked with the mannequins.

SCHOONIE And she’s wearing a Flava Flav hat.

SCHOONIE Is Amber dressed like a pig?

FLIPIT Amber, the producers are totally calling you fat. Drop the Dominos.

SCHOONIE Jen, like, doesn’t laugh at stuff.

SCHOONIE She doesn’t get the whole “Laughing” thing.

Tweedle Dick and Tweedle Dumb

Only Dick and Jen are left standing. Dick tries to psyche Jen out. With words.



FLIPIT Stop talking back to him, Jen!!

SCHOONIE Jen is a badass…seriously.

FLIPIT She is way smarter than she looks

SCHOONIE Dick is…not very convincing.

FLIPIT Oh shit this is brilliant!!

FLIPIT Amber’s a bitch. She’s yelling at Jen! Rude.

SCHOONIE Oh, Amber is the clown, not the pig.

SCHOONIE HAHA…Dustin’s in the unitard.

FLIPIT She’s the Clown Pig.

FLIPIT Oh man, they are dissing Kail HARD by all yelling at Jen.

SCHOONIE Way to make me root for Jen, assholes.

FLIPIT Man. They are still standing there! This is like Hands on a Hard Body. Bunch of hicks trying to win a prize they’d have money for if they just went to college.

SCHOONIE Trying to force Mike into having a personality. Lame.

FLIPIT I know. He needs to not talk. It makes his moles louder.



Mike puts on a hula skirt and dances around to psych out Dick. Then he starts getting nasty with his words. It doesn’t work.



FLIPIT Mike is being hot. Not funny.

SCHOONIE Dick played that correctly.

FLIPIT Yeah Dick is good at this.

SCHOONIE But Mike is also right.

FLIPIT He’s bigger than the game? You’re WAY bigger than this game, Mike. Pushups.

SCHOONIE He kind of should be going after Amber, Dustin, or Nick, honestly.

Dick throws his glass on the ground, giving Jen immunity. Uh-oh. Now he gets to pick someone to take her place!

FLIPIT WHAT?!?

FLIPIT Oh shit, he went after Dick’s ego!

SCHOONIE HAHAHA….he pissed him off to the point that Mike is going up.

SCHOONIE That’s awesome.

FLIPIT SMART MOVE!!!

SCHOONIE Well, no…that might have fucked him over.

FLIPIT Oh now Kail’s acting like she planned this the whole time. You’re so smart, Kail. How many businesses do you own?

SCHOONIE Why would you do that? Never voluntarily go up on the block.

FLIPIT Multiple.



Kail is in camera private time worrying about whether or not to vote against Mike.



FLIPIT Kail is crying just like Judas did before he made out with Jesus.

SCHOONIE Dude, Kail, God likes Amber, not you.

SCHOONIE When are you going to figure that out? He can only concentrate on one person at a time.

FLIPIT God is totally on Amber’s side. She’s put the most time in.



SCHOONIE Nick’s up in Dick’s HOH room talking game, and Dick’s pissed.

SCHOONIE Also he’s dressed like a dad with his shirt tucked into his jeans.

FLIPIT Dick is being a giant brat throwing a tantrum.

SCHOONIE Is Nick planning on dressing like Brandon Flowers at some point? That’s the only reason that moustache makes sense.

SCHOONIE Why the fuck are they talking about Dani all of a sudden?

FLIPIT I KNOW! They haven’t even done it! Nick’s so tough.

SCHOONIE Are you kidding? He has no concept of anything.

FLIPIT I can’t hear him. He’s just a slab. A tough solid slab.

SCHOONIE Nick is not playing well, I don’t think.

FLIPIT Why is he going after Dick right before he has to nominate someone?

Daniele comes in and demands that Dick stop being a dick to everyone in the house because it’s making her look bad, too.

FLIPIT Good THANK YOU DANIELE!!

FLIPIT Daniele is busting out my speakers!! Shrieeeek.

SCHOONIE For real…I have a feeling this is not the first time she’s had to tell him something like this.

FLIPIT No kidding. This is her speech before every family wedding ever.

FLIPIT OOOOh!! “You didn’t tell me about the alliance!”

FLIPIT Busted!

SCHOONIE Dick got her with that one.

FLIPIT Daniele, my speakers are seriously busting out. That tone of her voice! ARG!

SCHOONIE Whatever. If I were her boyfriend, I’d be so pissed.

FLIPIT Her boyfriend is so done with her.

FLIPIT Dick’s changing subjects. The subject is, you’re an ASSHOLE

FLIPIT Could you imagine the officers who have had to question him in the past?

SCHOONIE Dani is difficult, too…you can tell.

FLIPIT She knows how not to let him manipulate her.

FLIPIT Dick is playing at her heart. Oh, Dick, you’re so sensitive.

SCHOONIE See, but…you can tell she gets flustered easily.

SCHOONIE They’re like exact opposites.

FLIPIT How can I help you, Daniele? What do you want me to do! She cried and left and he couldn’t get his claws into her mind anymore. Atta girl.

That was like listening to a motorcycle getting smashed and dragged around the block by a semi.

The music that plays when chicks get chased by serial killers in Lifetime Movies starts playing.

SCHOONIE This music, OMG.

FLIPIT I know. They should be jogging. I hate Dick.

SCHOONIE How is what he’s doing bad? He just wants to talk about shit. Can you blame him?

FLIPIT Family counseling. There’s a plan.

SCHOONIE I’m on Team Dick here, I think.

FLIPIT She is confronting him about one thing and he’s changing the subject to not answer her and then playing emotional “I care about you” games to throw her off his scent. Men are gross.

SCHOONIE Getting Nick out would be a really good idea for both Dick and Daniele.

FLIPIT I agree. But not for me. That plan is tabled.

SCHOONIE Sell your stock in pomade, first.

FLIPIT Burn.

SCHOONIE Dude, but his stache, it is so bad.

FLIPIT Don’t look at it.

FLIPIT We’ve all got faults.

FLIPIT I have really big thighs.

FLIPIT So wow. Do you think Dick is gonna put up Nick? Sounds like it!

SCHOONIE Maybe. It would be good call.

SCHOONIE Just on a personal level, Nick bugs the piss out of me.

FLIPIT I get it. I really do. But on a penis level, I have to respectfully disagree. Nick is pretty dangerous. But I want to see if he’s playing Daniele or not before he goes.

SCHOONIE He’s not, dude.He has yet to say anything witty.

FLIPIT I have only heard 12 percent of what he’s said.

SCHOONIE Have you seen him flirt? If that’s his way of ‘playing her’, then whatever. He’s like, “Here’s the key to my heart. It’s a metaphor, get it?”

FLIPIT He’s like a poet, man! You know how he was like “you’re my top 5 celebrities, baby”. I cried. Sorry.

SCHOONIE It’s cool, I’d probably do Kail.

FLIPIT ARGH

FLIPIT You’re just doing that to get me back!

SCHOONIE No, I totally would! I called her a MILF during the intro piece, remember?

FLIPIT I was hoping you were being silly

SCHOONIE Not entirely..she’s sort of hot!

FLIPIT The music!! Dunh dunh, dunh dunh dunh dundh.

FLIPIT It’s like telenovela quality.

SCHOONIE I’d pretty much do all the girls in the house but Amber right now, come to think of it.

FLIPIT I would love it if you hooked up with Jameka.

FLIPIT I wanna know what she says in bed.

FLIPIT It probably sounds lawyery.

SCHOONIE She’d be like, “I do not approve of the visual stimulation with which you are providing me.” With Amber, I’d have to be like, “Amber, most girls don’t cry until afterwards!”

FLIPIT HAHAHA

SCHOONIE Kidding! Don’t sue me!

SCHOONIE The shame, it does get overwelming.

FLIPIT HAHAHA WAAAHHH!! Youre rocking my WORLD! (snot flies out her nose) RIGHT THEEEERRRRE!!! DON’T STOP!! WAH.

SCHOONIE That’s…what she said?

FLIPIT Still no. Sorry.

Well, forget about my taquitos. That dream is dead now.

Dick puts up Mike. Shocker.

FLIPIT What happened to Nick? Dick always promises a big surprise and then doesn’t deliver!

SCHOONIE Why is Nick dressed like a member of a Disney Channel sitcom?

FLIPIT You can’t kick out a Mousekateer!

SCHOONIE If Mike goes home, he pretty much deserves it.

SCHOONIE Plus, it’s good for the show. He is effing boring, yo.

SCHOONIE Net effect on the show if he goes home: zero.

FLIPIT Yeah, Mike will be telling the bot that he made an error in judgement Friday morning on the Early Show.

SCHOONIE That’s what I think, too.

SCHOONIE But Eric will have to vote for Kail, I bet.

SCHOONIE It will be interesting to watch him explain that.

FLIPIT Ah, America! Do it!

FLIPIT Wow, so now we have Mike and Kail up for eviction.

SCHOONIE America should vote for Mike.

SCHOONIE Please, people! Be compelled.

FLIPIT Kail must have annoyed people enough to go. And Mike just proved he’s a moron and no threat. I say Kail’s out.

SCHOONIE It’s my birthday! Yesterday! So give me this!

FLIPIT HA that’s what you’re asking for?

FLIPIT GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, SCHOONIE!

SCHOONIE Kail at least makes the house interesting.

FLIPIT Yeah, Mike’s bore snore. And huge.

SCHOONIE Sorry, but I hate boring people.

SCHOONIE Which is why I have to go now.

SCHOONIE Snap!

FLIPIT BURN!

SCHOONIE Haha, kidding. Bye.

Schoonie has left the chat.

Crickets.

FLIPIT Schoon?

(sad horns)