Not pictured: jorts.
Just like Jay-Z, yo
After the eviction, Libra tells Michelle that she understands why she was put up. In confessional, she’s like “Are you kidding me? I put her in a red unitard, took her Hawaiian trip, and kicked out her showmance, or whatever.” Don’t forget, she also thinks you’re a bad mother. Jerry bitches some more about Dan, telling us that the only way he can forgive him is if he’s America’s Player. In about a month and a half, Jerry is going to be eating mad crow. A crow wearing little jean shorts.
Michelle tells us that she wanted to do the same thing to then that they did to her side last week, making them campaign against each other and divide them. Yeah, Jessie did a whole lot of campaigning against his friends last week between naps.
Dan talks to Keesha in the peace room, where she has retreated. Keesha tells him she’s actually pissed at April because she’s a suck up. I am wondering why no one has pointed out that it was April who put up Jessie in the first place, and yet no one is blaming her. If she had put up Renny against Memphis, there wouldn’t have been a problem.
Meanwhile, Libra walks into the room, telling Keesha that she’s not going to be doing any campaigning. “Ride or die,” she tells Keesha, because Libra is DMX and Keesha is Eve. Ruff Ryders, y’all! What what.
Up in the HOH, Michelle says to Keesha that she wants Libra out because she blames Libra for the Jessie eviction. Keesha sits there quietly, telling us that although she was the one that was responsible for the plan to get him evicted, she’s not going to be saying anything. A wise move. Michelle also thinks that the second Libra gets HOH, Michelle will be the target. Haaaave you met April?
In the backyard, Jerry tells April and Ollie that it’s nice to have them sweating for a change. Wait a minute, Jerry, when have you ever been on the block? Also, weren’t you all in the same alliance last week? He’s pathetic. Are the jorts cutting off his circulation? April tops him by saying “Especially those two,” referring to Libra and Keesha when she just said, live on national tv, on Thursday that she still trusted them and was in an alliance with them. April then talks about how nice it is not to have to “be fake” to Libra and pretend that she likes her, when she’s spent the last four weeks up her ass. You’ll notice that April latches onto people. She’s like a leech, but like, if a leech joined a sorority. Jerry thinks Dan is biggest threat, because he’s an idiot. I’m sure the guy with no allies whatsoever is worse that the people you are telling this to, the only blatantly aligned couple in the house.
Michelle comes up the stairs to go to her HOH room, where Jerry is waiting and just sort of…follows her in. That is creepy and weird. Jerry tries to convince Michelle to put up Dan, telling her that he’s pretty sure he’s America’s Player. Just so you know, I’m pretty sure that Jerry isn’t the one that came up with this idea. I think the show is trying to redeem Jerry for being an asshole by editing it so that it looks as if he’s smarter than he is. Michelle tells Jerry that she doesn’t trust anything about Dan, not the fact that he’s a teacher, not his religion, none of it. He’s actually a melon farmer from Guam! Don’t trust him! Michelle tells Jerry that Dan is lucky he wasn’t put up. Dan is lucky you finally got to change out of the unitard.
Later on, all the girls are asleep in the peace room while Memphis and Dan chill in the living room. They decide to scare them, so they dress like robbers and jump into the room. If you were a robber, would you break into the Big Brother house? What is there to steal, someone’s enlarged sense of self-worth?
Eeek! Wig thieves!
It is worth noting that Renny screams long, long after the other girls have figured out what is going on and started laughing at how ridiculous they are. She’s screaming like Dan and Memphis have chainsaws. It also looks like she has grey hair in night vision.
Time for the veto competition! Ollie comes out of the DR dressed (according to my friend Nicole) “like Chef from South Park”. Can we start calling him Goal Weight Chef now, Flip? BTW, Let’s pour one out for pre-Scientology Isaac Hayes, everyone.
The challenge, in which Michelle, Keesha, Libra, Memphis, April and Jerry are participating, is to chop onions that are laying all over the backyard using a variety of chopping devices. Once the onions have been chopped, you transfer them to the other side of the yard into one of two boxes, one representing the veto and one representing a mystery prize. The person whose boxes weigh the most will win either the prize or the veto, respectively.
Everyone starts chopping. Libra is cutting into big chunks, thinking they weigh more than the smaller chunks. I’m pretty sure this is true, because you lose more liquid weight from small chopped onions, making the whole thing lighter. Meanwhile, Jerry is using the industrial dicer to chop the onions right into a drool cup that he wears on the regular.
This thing really comes in handy on Wednesdays when we have potato mash!
Meanwhile, Dan is over on the sidelines, asking an Ollie with scary facial hair how badly Jerry wants him out. “It’s like it’s personal or something,” Evil Twin Ollie replies. Soon the competition is over and it’s time to weigh the boxes. April and Memphis end up winning the mystery box. Since Memphis’ box weighed more (make of that what you will), he gets to pick from one of two envelopes. The one he picks requires him to wear an “onion necklace” for the next 24 hours. April wins a personal stylist who will select 5 designer outfits for her. Bets that it’s Marcellas?
After the other veto boxes are weighed, Jerry ends up having the heaviest box (again, too easy) and so he wins the veto. He tells the dumb story everyones heard a million times about the old cow who goes down the hill and fucks all the donkeys, or whatever. What a tool he is.
After the commercials, Jerry celebrates in the bedroom with April and Ollie, with his shirt off. I won’t screencap it for you, but you ALL owe me like, twelve. Jerry calls Dan Judas again, telling us that he’d love to do to Dan what Dan did to him. What did Dan do to you, exactly, besides vote Jessie out? You were unaffected. This whole thing is just pathetic. He wants so badly to be accepted that he’s determined to turn Dan into a pariah for no other reason than to have something in common with others. I mean come on, he’s 75 years old. He should know better.
Jerry tells Michelle that his win in the veto competition was for Jessie. Why are people dedicating things to Jessie? It’s like putting up a statue of the Hamburglar in Tiananmen Square.
Jerry tries to convince Michelle to put up Dan once he uses the veto. He tells Michelle that he holds Dan responsible for Jessie’s eviction, even though three other people also voted. He also has a blue top on now that we haven’t seen before. Good thing everything goes with jorts. They’re the new black!
Yeah, this’ll go well.
It’s time for the houseguests to enjoy the feast that they won during the food competition. Keesha has the bright idea that everyone should go around the table and say something positive about the other houseguests. Hey, it’s just like that one episode of the Soprano’s where Tony’s mom died and Janice made everyone say something nice, but since everyone hated her it was the most uncomfortable thing ever! Memphis goes first and in typical Memphis fashion, what he says is incoherent and makes no sense. When Renny goes, she gives accolades (that’s New Orleans Crazy for giving props) to Jerry for trying so hard in every competition. Jerry starts crying, saying that he feels so alone all the time. See? I told you all this Dan shit is so that he will feel included. Dan then takes his turn, telling Jerry that he only had one grandfather growing up, and actually crying telling him that he appreciates all the advice. I’m sure that was half strategic, but it was at least half true. Jerry responds by acting like a complete jerk, telling Dan that he still doesn’t trust him, and he never forgets anything. What a turd.
Keesha tries to be nice to April, telling her that she hates having issues with anyone, and that she’s sorry they fight so much. April interrupts her to say that she thinks they actually “see eye to eye to much” which makes no sense, but whatever. Keesha jokes with April about wanting to borrow one of her designer outfits, and Libra does something totally normal by piggybacking on the joke and saying that Keesha only wants to be friends with her because of the outfits. Michelle tells us in confessional that Libra is a giant bitch who knows how to take the fun out of any situation.
Now, wait a damn minute. Jerry sits there and completely eviscerates Dan after Dan starts crying, and Jerry hasn’t done anything, but Libra makes a tiny joke to try and back up her friend and she’s the one responsible for making things awkward? Whatever.
Ollie talks more than he ever has at this point and still says nothing, noting that anyone at the table can talk to him one-on-one at any point. Libra takes him up on his offer right then, taking him into the storage room. She tells him that the night that Jessie got voted out, she got her feelings hurt when she called him a “scallywag”. Wait, he called her a scallywag? That’s sort of awesome. What is he, a pirate?
Again, Libra seems at least half honest as she starts crying all over the place and hugging him. He apologizes to her, and she uses it as an excuse to bring up the fact that it was Keesha who started the whole Jessie eviction thing. It all seems very calculated, once you watch it once or twice.
Meanwhile, upstairs Michelle is telling Keesha that Libra is still saying stuff about her, calling April up to back her up. Keesha tells them to go get Libra, and here you notice that Keesha is drinking beer out of a wine glass, meaning that she has switched since dinner, and also meaning that everyone in the house is absolutely trashed. Libra comes up and pretty soon everyone is yelling at each other, and Memphis, who has been leaning against the doorway wearing his onion necklace, “F this, I’m out” and leaves before shit really gets started.
Keesha wins honesty points by telling Michelle that she honestly thought Jessie was after her, and she was fine about him until April came to her. You remember, that one time when she was going to go “stand up for herself” and instead collapsed in a pile while everyone fought? April denies it, which is a lie that she doesn’t know she’s telling. Keesha calls April a skank and storms out, telling Michelle she can evict whomever she wants. Keesha (drunk as shit in the DR) tells us how much she hates April, talking about how fake she is.
It’s a good thing she doesn’t have her cell phone.
Michelle follows her out of the DR and down the stairs into her room, almost straddling her in bed. It’s kind of hot, in an odd way. Keesha lunches into a diatribe, talking about how April talks like she’s so innocent, but she’s actually responsible for everything that’s gone on in the house. Keesha tries to blame April for the whole thing, saying that it was her information that caused them to get rid of Jessie. Keesha is my favorite, but that is a bit of a stretch. The best part is when Keesha says “Look at me right now! I look like a fucking crazy person!”
Veto ceremony. Jerry gives Libra the chance to speak first. She says that she knows why she’s there, and tells Jerry she doesn’t expect him to use it on her. Libra basically stands up and says the same thing, except she makes more idiotic faces at the camera. Jerry says he wouldn’t have put up Libra and Keesha, and then says he’s sorry Dan isn’t up. He tells Dan that he walked around toting his Bible, and tells him that he’ll always be Judas in Jerry’s house. He’s an idiot. I cannot say this enough. Dan is like “Whatever”, as he should because like Jerry has any power whatsoever. He pretty much just does whatever everyone else tells him and he has no strategy whatsoever. Also, did anyone ever actually see Dan explicitly promise Jerry that he would keep Jessie around? I thought he just stood there and shook his head. Jerry tells Dan that this is his lucky day, and he keeps his word and does not use the POV. Judging by what I’ve heard, this speech was apparently much longer, so make of that what you will. Also if Jerry had thought about it even a little and he wanted Dan off that badly, he could have taken Libra off the block and put him up, and then he very likely would have been leaving.
But whatever, he’s old and wears jorts.