Big Brother: I Wore An Onion On My Belt, It Was The Style At The Time

Big Brother

By Schoonie | Wednesday, August 13, 2008 | 7:07 am | 29 Comments

Not pictured: jorts.

Just like Jay-Z, yo

After the eviction, Libra tells Michelle that she understands why she was put up. In confessional, she’s like “Are you kidding me? I put her in a red unitard, took her Hawaiian trip, and kicked out her showmance, or whatever.” Don’t forget, she also thinks you’re a bad mother. Jerry bitches some more about Dan, telling us that the only way he can forgive him is if he’s America’s Player. In about a month and a half, Jerry is going to be eating mad crow. A crow wearing little jean shorts.

Michelle tells us that she wanted to do the same thing to then that they did to her side last week, making them campaign against each other and divide them. Yeah, Jessie did a whole lot of campaigning against his friends last week between naps.

Dan talks to Keesha in the peace room, where she has retreated. Keesha tells him she’s actually pissed at April because she’s a suck up. I am wondering why no one has pointed out that it was April who put up Jessie in the first place, and yet no one is blaming her. If she had put up Renny against Memphis, there wouldn’t have been a problem.

Meanwhile, Libra walks into the room, telling Keesha that she’s not going to be doing any campaigning. “Ride or die,” she tells Keesha, because Libra is DMX and Keesha is Eve. Ruff Ryders, y’all! What what.

Up in the HOH, Michelle says to Keesha that she wants Libra out because she blames Libra for the Jessie eviction. Keesha sits there quietly, telling us that although she was the one that was responsible for the plan to get him evicted, she’s not going to be saying anything. A wise move. Michelle also thinks that the second Libra gets HOH, Michelle will be the target. Haaaave you met April?

In the backyard, Jerry tells April and Ollie that it’s nice to have them sweating for a change. Wait a minute, Jerry, when have you ever been on the block? Also, weren’t you all in the same alliance last week? He’s pathetic. Are the jorts cutting off his circulation? April tops him by saying “Especially those two,” referring to Libra and Keesha when she just said, live on national tv, on Thursday that she still trusted them and was in an alliance with them. April then talks about how nice it is not to have to “be fake” to Libra and pretend that she likes her, when she’s spent the last four weeks up her ass. You’ll notice that April latches onto people. She’s like a leech, but like, if a leech joined a sorority. Jerry thinks Dan is biggest threat, because he’s an idiot. I’m sure the guy with no allies whatsoever is worse that the people you are telling this to, the only blatantly aligned couple in the house.

Michelle comes up the stairs to go to her HOH room, where Jerry is waiting and just sort of…follows her in. That is creepy and weird. Jerry tries to convince Michelle to put up Dan, telling her that he’s pretty sure he’s America’s Player. Just so you know, I’m pretty sure that Jerry isn’t the one that came up with this idea. I think the show is trying to redeem Jerry for being an asshole by editing it so that it looks as if he’s smarter than he is. Michelle tells Jerry that she doesn’t trust anything about Dan, not the fact that he’s a teacher, not his religion, none of it. He’s actually a melon farmer from Guam! Don’t trust him! Michelle tells Jerry that Dan is lucky he wasn’t put up. Dan is lucky you finally got to change out of the unitard.

Later on, all the girls are asleep in the peace room while Memphis and Dan chill in the living room. They decide to scare them, so they dress like robbers and jump into the room. If you were a robber, would you break into the Big Brother house? What is there to steal, someone’s enlarged sense of self-worth?

Eeek! Wig thieves!

It is worth noting that Renny screams long, long after the other girls have figured out what is going on and started laughing at how ridiculous they are. She’s screaming like Dan and Memphis have chainsaws. It also looks like she has grey hair in night vision.

Time for the veto competition! Ollie comes out of the DR dressed (according to my friend Nicole) “like Chef from South Park”. Can we start calling him Goal Weight Chef now, Flip? BTW, Let’s pour one out for pre-Scientology Isaac Hayes, everyone.

The challenge, in which Michelle, Keesha, Libra, Memphis, April and Jerry are participating, is to chop onions that are laying all over the backyard using a variety of chopping devices. Once the onions have been chopped, you transfer them to the other side of the yard into one of two boxes, one representing the veto and one representing a mystery prize. The person whose boxes weigh the most will win either the prize or the veto, respectively.

Everyone starts chopping. Libra is cutting into big chunks, thinking they weigh more than the smaller chunks. I’m pretty sure this is true, because you lose more liquid weight from small chopped onions, making the whole thing lighter. Meanwhile, Jerry is using the industrial dicer to chop the onions right into a drool cup that he wears on the regular.

This thing really comes in handy on Wednesdays when we have potato mash!

Meanwhile, Dan is over on the sidelines, asking an Ollie with scary facial hair how badly Jerry wants him out. “It’s like it’s personal or something,” Evil Twin Ollie replies. Soon the competition is over and it’s time to weigh the boxes. April and Memphis end up winning the mystery box. Since Memphis’ box weighed more (make of that what you will), he gets to pick from one of two envelopes. The one he picks requires him to wear an “onion necklace” for the next 24 hours. April wins a personal stylist who will select 5 designer outfits for her. Bets that it’s Marcellas?

After the other veto boxes are weighed, Jerry ends up having the heaviest box (again, too easy) and so he wins the veto. He tells the dumb story everyones heard a million times about the old cow who goes down the hill and fucks all the donkeys, or whatever. What a tool he is.
After the commercials, Jerry celebrates in the bedroom with April and Ollie, with his shirt off. I won’t screencap it for you, but you ALL owe me like, twelve. Jerry calls Dan Judas again, telling us that he’d love to do to Dan what Dan did to him. What did Dan do to you, exactly, besides vote Jessie out? You were unaffected. This whole thing is just pathetic. He wants so badly to be accepted that he’s determined to turn Dan into a pariah for no other reason than to have something in common with others. I mean come on, he’s 75 years old. He should know better.

Jerry tells Michelle that his win in the veto competition was for Jessie. Why are people dedicating things to Jessie? It’s like putting up a statue of the Hamburglar in Tiananmen Square.

Jerry tries to convince Michelle to put up Dan once he uses the veto. He tells Michelle that he holds Dan responsible for Jessie’s eviction, even though three other people also voted. He also has a blue top on now that we haven’t seen before. Good thing everything goes with jorts. They’re the new black!

Yeah, this’ll go well.

It’s time for the houseguests to enjoy the feast that they won during the food competition. Keesha has the bright idea that everyone should go around the table and say something positive about the other houseguests. Hey, it’s just like that one episode of the Soprano’s where Tony’s mom died and Janice made everyone say something nice, but since everyone hated her it was the most uncomfortable thing ever! Memphis goes first and in typical Memphis fashion, what he says is incoherent and makes no sense. When Renny goes, she gives accolades (that’s New Orleans Crazy for giving props) to Jerry for trying so hard in every competition. Jerry starts crying, saying that he feels so alone all the time. See? I told you all this Dan shit is so that he will feel included. Dan then takes his turn, telling Jerry that he only had one grandfather growing up, and actually crying telling him that he appreciates all the advice. I’m sure that was half strategic, but it was at least half true. Jerry responds by acting like a complete jerk, telling Dan that he still doesn’t trust him, and he never forgets anything. What a turd.

Keesha tries to be nice to April, telling her that she hates having issues with anyone, and that she’s sorry they fight so much. April interrupts her to say that she thinks they actually “see eye to eye to much” which makes no sense, but whatever. Keesha jokes with April about wanting to borrow one of her designer outfits, and Libra does something totally normal by piggybacking on the joke and saying that Keesha only wants to be friends with her because of the outfits. Michelle tells us in confessional that Libra is a giant bitch who knows how to take the fun out of any situation.

Now, wait a damn minute. Jerry sits there and completely eviscerates Dan after Dan starts crying, and Jerry hasn’t done anything, but Libra makes a tiny joke to try and back up her friend and she’s the one responsible for making things awkward? Whatever.

Ollie talks more than he ever has at this point and still says nothing, noting that anyone at the table can talk to him one-on-one at any point. Libra takes him up on his offer right then, taking him into the storage room. She tells him that the night that Jessie got voted out, she got her feelings hurt when she called him a “scallywag”. Wait, he called her a scallywag? That’s sort of awesome. What is he, a pirate?

Again, Libra seems at least half honest as she starts crying all over the place and hugging him. He apologizes to her, and she uses it as an excuse to bring up the fact that it was Keesha who started the whole Jessie eviction thing. It all seems very calculated, once you watch it once or twice.

Meanwhile, upstairs Michelle is telling Keesha that Libra is still saying stuff about her, calling April up to back her up. Keesha tells them to go get Libra, and here you notice that Keesha is drinking beer out of a wine glass, meaning that she has switched since dinner, and also meaning that everyone in the house is absolutely trashed. Libra comes up and pretty soon everyone is yelling at each other, and Memphis, who has been leaning against the doorway wearing his onion necklace, “F this, I’m out” and leaves before shit really gets started.

Peace, bitches!

Keesha wins honesty points by telling Michelle that she honestly thought Jessie was after her, and she was fine about him until April came to her. You remember, that one time when she was going to go “stand up for herself” and instead collapsed in a pile while everyone fought? April denies it, which is a lie that she doesn’t know she’s telling. Keesha calls April a skank and storms out, telling Michelle she can evict whomever she wants. Keesha (drunk as shit in the DR) tells us how much she hates April, talking about how fake she is.

It’s a good thing she doesn’t have her cell phone.

Michelle follows her out of the DR and down the stairs into her room, almost straddling her in bed. It’s kind of hot, in an odd way. Keesha lunches into a diatribe, talking about how April talks like she’s so innocent, but she’s actually responsible for everything that’s gone on in the house. Keesha tries to blame April for the whole thing, saying that it was her information that caused them to get rid of Jessie. Keesha is my favorite, but that is a bit of a stretch. The best part is when Keesha says “Look at me right now! I look like a fucking crazy person!”

Me, too.

Veto ceremony. Jerry gives Libra the chance to speak first. She says that she knows why she’s there, and tells Jerry she doesn’t expect him to use it on her. Libra basically stands up and says the same thing, except she makes more idiotic faces at the camera. Jerry says he wouldn’t have put up Libra and Keesha, and then says he’s sorry Dan isn’t up. He tells Dan that he walked around toting his Bible, and tells him that he’ll always be Judas in Jerry’s house. He’s an idiot. I cannot say this enough. Dan is like “Whatever”, as he should because like Jerry has any power whatsoever. He pretty much just does whatever everyone else tells him and he has no strategy whatsoever. Also, did anyone ever actually see Dan explicitly promise Jerry that he would keep Jessie around? I thought he just stood there and shook his head. Jerry tells Dan that this is his lucky day, and he keeps his word and does not use the POV. Judging by what I’ve heard, this speech was apparently much longer, so make of that what you will. Also if Jerry had thought about it even a little and he wanted Dan off that badly, he could have taken Libra off the block and put him up, and then he very likely would have been leaving.

But whatever, he’s old and wears jorts.

Comments (29)
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About Schoonie

Like most people in America, Schoonie watches entirely too much reality television. Unlike most people, Schoonie gets to share his opinions with the world, which is pretty rad. Currently living in Chicago, Schoonie's been with Tvgasm since 2006. He spends his free time writing Survivor fan fiction (Letters to Penthouse, all featuring Rupert!) , playing with his cover band, and playing with his other cover band. Also, this one time, Lisi fell.

29 Comments

1

hoxharding

Posted August 13, 2008 at 9:20 am

Jerry is an IDIOT!
Still reminds me of an old dog who has found road kill and claims it as his own.
I about choked when he said Dan has the ugliest body in the house. He evidently doesn’t look in mirrors.
Your recaps are the best-better than the show!
2

cattyfan

Posted August 13, 2008 at 9:29 am

Confession time: I was completely confused by Ollie’s calling Libra a scallywag, as I only knew the original use of the word which was a white Southerner who supported Reconstruction policies after the American Civil War (usually for self-interest.)

Darn history classes and fancy book learnin’.

Could someone please kill Jerry, duct tape Michelle’s mouth, and tell Dan to stop shouting at me?
3

Dirty Sanchez

Posted August 13, 2008 at 9:56 am

A scallywag? Why, she should be made to walk the plank and swab the decks. Arrrgh!!

And Jerry needs to f’ing relax. Go get a picture of Betty Grable and whack it in the shower or something. Jesus, what a petty little vagina he’s become. I bet he’s going to be fun in the sequester house after some JUDAS doesn’t vote the way that he wants.

Meanwhile, Renny just quietly sails along.
4

Fayellis1

Posted August 13, 2008 at 10:15 am

Not just a scallywag, but a scallyway and a HO! Yes, Goal Weight Rerun, preacher’s son, who has to return to a Baptist Church that is 100% black, you called a black woman a scallyway and a hoe while defending your blonde hair blue eyed white girlfriend who you have been having sex with on camera while bragging about not wearing the condoms you bought. Let the Church say Amen.
5

trink621

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:03 am

Schoon,

As I recall, Dan was in the pool when Jerry approached him about Jessie. (I think Dan was juggling or something.) Anyway…Dan NEVER agreed he would vote to evict Memphis. As you said, he just nodded politely like you do to let someone know you heard them.

I think what makes Jerry the maddest is the realization that his little speech to Dan had no power. If America had told Dan to evict Memphis, Jerry would’ve assumed it was due to his super persuasive abilities (and I’m certain he would have tried to build himself up in the eyes of the other houseguests.) Now poor, poor Jerry’s got nothing (except boring speeches that no one listens to).

If the actual veto ceremony speech was even longer than shown…sheesh!

Schoon..the remark about April being like “a leech, but if a leech joined a sorority” was hilarious. (And right on the mark!)
6

lonebutterfly

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:14 am

Jerry COULD have taken Libra off the block – but then Michelle would have gotten to put up someone (not Jerry) – and I highly doubt she would have actually put up Dan.

She wants Libra or Keesha out (obviously, mostly Libra), so I could see her putting up Renny. Because then Keesha would have left. Jerry didn’t have near as much power as he was waving around, and I don’t imagine it thrilled Michelle to hear him go off.
7

juddfan

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:15 am

Thanks for the recap, and once again, I’m glad I watched the Olympics! Sheeesh!!! At least I saved my TV screen from all the things I’d have thrown at it. Did Jerry really say Dan has the worst body in the house, what kind of wha!!!! Of course, if I’d been there, I would have immediately started stripping and saying”that’s why you want it”

Go Renny!!!
8

aniglo

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:24 am

love, love, LOVE drunk Keesha in DR: ‘it’s a good thing she doesn’t have her cell phone’ – HA! you know she’s a serial drunk-dialer!
9

DP Hooker

Posted August 13, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Agree with everyone on Jerry. Still Colonel Dickbag in my book. Hopefully his wife doesn’t have to watch this shit.

Also, why does Michelle always go into that corner by the toliet to talk to Jessie? It creeps me out.
10

lagitha

Posted August 13, 2008 at 1:03 pm

After listening to ED tell Jen all the disgusting ways he was going to violate her, I can’t believe that this year’s drama revolves around calling each other a “womanizer” and “scalliwag”. Egads, I hope no one tells someone to “23 skadoo”, or else there is going to be quite the gentleman’s pistol duel.
11

ReeseWitherspoon

Posted August 13, 2008 at 1:21 pm

When Jerry told that dumbass story about the bulls, I was done. I’m sick of him and his foul mouth. I want his old wrinkly taint out. And I am so sick of people talking about respect. Enough!
12

pixi-stix

Posted August 13, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Did anyone else catch that Jerry said Dan would be a scumbag if he WAS America’s Player? It was after his confessional where he said that would be the only excuse Dan could have. Think it was the first time he went to talk to Michelle. What an asshole. I would be embarassed as hell to be his wife/kids right now.

I’m ok with Libra going because she does annoy me, and I’m hoping April gets out soon. How NO ONE has brought up the couple in the house is crazy to me.

At this point I’m rooting for Keesha, Renny, and Memphis. The rest all need to diaf.
13

suckitbitches

Posted August 13, 2008 at 1:39 pm

Colonel Jerky’s self-rightousness is ridiculous. Wonder what Brian thinks of him calling Dan a Judas?
14

lexxi1129

Posted August 13, 2008 at 3:34 pm

I can not stand Jerry. I truly believe that he is jealous that he’s decrepit and can’t have a showmance like the young guys can.

And WHY is everyone always bringing up Libra and her kids? Jeez, you’d think she left her babies at home in their car seats while she went shopping! (True story – happened in Ohio).
15

Fayellis1

Posted August 13, 2008 at 6:08 pm

I find it hilarious that for everyone in the house some people like them, some don’t but there is no split decision on April, Ollie and Jerry. Everyone just flat hates them. HEH.
16

hoxharding

Posted August 13, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Jerry was heard talking about how Dan needs to work out because he has the ugliest body in the house.
This coming from a man who seems determind to flaunt his body-(ugh)
Really,does he change his shirt? That hat has to be filthy with a yellow oil ring with smatterings of dirt.

Not sure why Dan yells in the Diaryroom. Is he pretending he is on the football field maybe?
17

bitchristine

Posted August 13, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Schoonie and other people commenting here – hysterical, I love it. Just some things I noted while I watched this past episode and would like to get it off my chest. If any of my friends watched this stupid show, I’d be drunk dialing them right now to vent. Alas, I just have you guys as comrades in this show.

Dan – stop shouting! Please! The booming monotone cadence is killing me. Seriously, please.

Keesha – stop screeching! Please! The loud shrill is killing me. Seriously, please.

Jerry – stop sounding like “Eric the Retard” on Howard Stern. The uncanny likeness is killing me. Seriously, please.

Michelle Pan Rosto – parar com a voz masculina! Por favor! O foghorn com esterÃ³ides Ã© matar-me. Realmente, por favor.

Onions:

Keesha – yaaya like you’re used to those onions every night biyatch – now go get me some hot wings, onion rings and a bucket of iced cold ‘Rocks.

Memphis – oh, mixtenter, um, barologist – cut you up some nad-like onions from ’bout your red neck and make me a fuckin’ vodka gibson. Pronto.
18

Wormfood33

Posted August 13, 2008 at 7:19 pm

lagitha….

best.
post.
ever.
19

duckncvr

Posted August 13, 2008 at 7:43 pm

bitchchristine: Jerry = gary the retard on HSS.. YES!! cannot believe I didn’t put that one together.

I am so over Jerry’s “Judas” ranting. And how did the noms go your first week again, dear? I love Libra’s face at the veto ceremony when Jerry was saying all the Judas stuff to Dan.

I’m sorry, but I so love Dan. Despite his republican status. I might want him to win. I don’t really care for anyone else that much.

And yes, Ollie is respecting the women how in the house? Maybe the ones he’s not banging on tv, but April? Yuck. I am shocked that no one’s brought up the April/Ollie alliance yet. In due time, of course.
20

Anonymous

Posted August 13, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Warning: The following comment language some readers may find offensive.

HA HA HA.

Is there any way of smuggling 30 pieces of silver into the house so Jerry can give them to Dan and SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Oh, my God.
21

schoonie

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:05 pm

I’m fairly sure I’ve made a “23 skadoo” joke somewhere, but yeah, I know something’s funny when I read it and go “Jeez, I wish I had thought of that.” and Lagitha: you win. Amazing, seriously.
22

trink621

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:09 pm

About the Ollie/April alliance…really??…you call that an alliance??? Hmmmmmmm…Let’s see… Ollie will do WHATEVER April says. (“Somehow” I get the feeling he’s not there for the money.) April, on the other hand, not so much.

What exactly has Ollie done in the house (other than April)? He’s SOOOOOOOOOOO whipped. He’s boring too…I have yet to hear a fresh idea/plan/comeback out of him.
23

Annieo

Posted August 13, 2008 at 11:11 pm

Did anyone notice that if Keesha had put all her onions in the veto box instead of putting almost a third of them in the prize box, she would have won the veto easily? I would think staying in the game is more important than some random prize. do these people think at all?
24

itchy

Posted August 14, 2008 at 7:18 am

I thought that Howie guy would be the dumbest person to ever get on Big Brother. How the hell did casting top him–like with pretty much every single member of this cast?

I keep trying to like Keesha…I can almost forgive her for being a brick. At least she’s been showing more spine lately.

Jerry, on the other hand, disgusted me from the very first week — who the fuck is he to talk about betraying anyone? Why doesn’t Dan or anyone else call him out on this?

Who the hell are these people? Don’t they ever think? Or do they all have an off button?
25

Fayellis1

Posted August 14, 2008 at 8:03 am

bitchcristine:
“Michelle Pan Rosto – parar com a voz masculina! Por favor! O foghorn com esterÃ³ides Ã© matar-me. Realmente, por favor.”

Wal-Mart has keyboards on sale, you can buy me a new one there or I will be forced to sue you for 10% of your networth. BWWAHHHAAAHHHA. Seriously, please!

Also, am I the only one who thinks Jerry looks like someone in his life has accused him of “inappropriate touching”
26

lickitysplit

Posted August 14, 2008 at 9:19 am

What a great episode! That fight after the dinner went on forever, btw.. I hope that CBS shows the rest on Thursday.

Jerry keeps digging himself deeper and deeper. The others are going to be so sick of hearing him bitch about Dan that they are going to take him right out. Dan’s playing smart to just lay low, but I hope that he eventually just lets Jerry have it, and point out all the stupid things he’s been saying–namely, the fact that Jerry takes credit for everything. I could make a drinking game out of the times he says “I saved you last week” to everyone.
27

lagitha

Posted August 14, 2008 at 12:53 pm

To Wormfood and Schoonie–My, you sure do know how to make a girl blush! Thanks!
28

JasonR

Posted August 14, 2008 at 1:45 pm

bitchchristine: when I attempt to translate your message to Michelle through Yahoo Babel Fish, I get this:

“Michelle Pan Face – to stop with the masculine voice! Please! Foghorn with esterÃ³ides is to kill me. Really, please”

Which is probably almost as funny as the intended translation. LMAO
29

bitchristine

Posted August 15, 2008 at 1:18 pm

I think it might be funnier.

Big Brother: I Wore An Onion On My Belt, It Was The Style At The Time

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