Tonight was eviction night, and for the millions of Big Brother fans out there, we know this means one thing: awkward live television. With Julie Chen and her ruffled attire firmly setting the tone, the Thursday episodes never cease to be uneven and cringe-inducing, but hey, that’s what we love about them. Pretty much the only thing that could make the live installments any better would be if Julie were to trip on that little step in her studio. Mark my words, it will happen someday.
Until that day, we will have to contend with Julie and her fax machine voice just the way we do every week: with mockery and scorn. Tonight, Ms. Chen accessorized her rigid postures with a strange tuxedo shirt that was almost as jarring as her aluminum foil pants, back for their second round. I suppose the ruffles were supposed to have a vintage flair, but instead it looked like someone had sprayed a can of whipped cream down Julie’s blouse. Les Moonves, you dirty man.Also deserving attention was Julie’s coif, which was big and cowlicked. I got the impression Julie was going for a little Darth Vader look with her helmet hair, and coupled with the shiny pants, you could say she almost looked space-aged. And honestly people. Is there anyone else more suited to meet aliens than Julie Chen? I challenge anyone to say “I come in peace” better than she can.
Of course, Julie’s transgressions pale next to this cast of sartorially challenged chumps. I could go on about the bandanas again, but tonight, I’d like to ask what the deal was with the pink. Even Julie Chen noticed. For the color blind out there, Michael, Jase, and Scott were amongst the men who adopted the pastels. Now, I’m not saying this to be homophobic, but white guys really shouldn’t wear pink. It’s a fact. Black guys or darker skinned guys can wear it ’til the cow comes home. It looks good on them. But white guys – it’s like rule number one. So of course I was shaking my head with the rest of America when Scott and Jase paraded around the live show in almost identical pink shirts. It’s nice that they dress to match. It really demonstrates a lot of “Pride”. Unfortunately, Scott didn’t get the pit stain memo because only Jase was sporting those, and man were they big. You could have sealed a thousand envelopes with all that moisture. Jase didn’t seem to mind though. He was probably drunk again.
I wonder if Jase might be a little jealous of Drew though. Not because Drew nabbed Head of Household, but because Drew revealed that Scott is his sleep companion. Was anyone else puzzled by this? Scott’s really turned into quite the player. First he shares a bubble bath with Michael. Then he nestles in with Drew under the sheets. What’s next? A little hot oil massage with Jase? We can all take bets that there wouldn’t have been any canoodling with Lorie, arguably one of the hottest girls in the house. Apparently, Scott didn’t find her attractive. That whole vagina thing can be a real turn off for him.
It’s no surprise therefore that Scott, a former Playgirl model (a magazine known for it’s, uh, not-female readership), is the only guy Marvin trusts. Why? Because he’s the only one who hasn’t fallen under the spell of a woman in the house, making him the most focused on the game. That’s great logic Marvin. Too bad you didn’t overhear Scott planning your efficient egress in the bathroom: Jase and Scott piled into the small, intimate toilet stall to talk strategy, or at least that’s what they let Michael think since he ruined the moment. The three guys enthusiastically planned Marvin’s demise, with Scott aggressively rasping, “He’s gone! He’s gone!” and then “Is that a crimper?” No, that’s not my snarky sarcasm. Scott really did ask that. It appears as though this styling mechanism was equally if not more exciting to Scott than strategy discussions. I don’t know many men who get that enthused about crimpers, but I’m sure Scott, who this week revealed himself to be the resident hairstylist, has a very logical, manly reason to jizz himself over the tool. Maybe now he can give Michael that makeover he’s been dying to give.
Of course Marvin, with his big bald head will never experience the joy of the Scott and Jase salon, but that’s okay. Marvin’s grown on me considerably, and I’m not sure if that’s only because he introduced the image of him hurling Starr Jones after Thanksgiving dinner. Note to World’s Strongest Man competition: Starr Jones tossing would really bring in the female viewers. You know, the ones with nothing to do with themselves, like dearly departed Lorie.
While Scott and Jase prettied themselves up, Lorie and Karen spent a portion of the episode pleading their case to the various house guests. For the record, these two win the award for whiniest campaigners. They didn’t really provide any arguments as to why they should stay except “But I don’t wanna go” and “This sucks.” Karen, a passive aggressive amateur, tried to stir up some sort of guilt in Michael when she and Lorie commented heavy handedly that people in the house were such followers, blindly accepting Jase’s rule. Michael shifted uncomfortably, and I couldn’t help wondering how a true PA master like any of those old British actresses would have simply had the cowboy crying under the table. It was a noble effort, and in Karen’s case, it worked. The New Jersey portrait artist survived an eviction ceremony (even though Julie Chen tried to fake her out). In the moments after Lorie left the house, Karen cursed up a storm that had CBS censors on their toes for a good minute. And let’s not forget Marvin, who didn’t curse, but whose giant, shiny head received an extreme, extended closeup that was just as offensive as any potty mouth on the show.
This week should be interesting with Drew in control. The Four Horsetrosexuals will undoubtedly get another bye week, but if the girls are savvy, they might be able to manipulate Drew into some sort of interesting situation. It seems as though the girls are mad and ready to take action. Let’s just hope that crimper doesn’t fall into one of Scott and Jase’s romantic baths.