Previously on Big Brother: Daniele whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined. In between some other stuff happened, and it was awesome. Who will go home tonight, Dick or Dustin?
Julie is dressed like a snake tonight. Seriously, her top is all reptile and shit, which is why she is now the:
Julie reviews the week that just took place, talking about how “never has any nominee gone so far to protect the other” and then how Dick “unleashed his wrath on the other houseguests to make himself the bigger target”. Since I didn’t recap Tuesday, let me just say: Julie is full of shit. If Dick were being an asshole to protect his daughter, he would have stopped after he won the veto, which he did not. He also wouldn’t have been his meanest before the nominations were even announced, as we saw during Sunday’s show with Jameka and Amber.
Further, he’s not even good at being an asshole. Calling a gay man “Princess” and continuing to use Jesus against Amber and Jameka is going back into the same old bag of tricks continually. That’s not being an “asshole”, that’s being “lame”. He’s like, the Rob Schneider of assholes.
Nonetheless, if you want to be an asshole, cool, just don’t hide behind this cloak of nobility like you’re doing it for your daughter. You’re doing it because you enjoy being an asshole, and you just want to legitimize it. I don’t doubt that he loves her, but this whole thing is painted to be noble and selfless, when it’s all actually really self-centered and comes from a motivation for Dick to appear to be some sort of martyr. Well, here’s some news: you were doing this mean bullshit before, and I’m wagering that you’ll continue to do it after. You’re not noble for it. You’re just an asshole.
And this whole thing (and stay with me here) makes Daniele an even bigger asshole than Dick for letting it happen on her behalf all “I can’t stop him!” and smirking while she brushes her teeth, and then crying in the HoH about how people shouldn’t hold her responsible when…they sort of should. A lot. And I’m done!
Y’all, I just wish Daniele would just give him a hug and break the cycle. Fuck, now I’m not even sure if that’s a joke.
After the veto ceremony, Amber congratulates Dick about how nice he was, because of COURSE she would buy an empty gesture like that hook, line, and sinker. Daniele talks about how being in the house is the opportunity of a lifetime, and for Dick to give that up for her means a lot. I mean, not enough to tell the guy that you love him or acknowledge his action in any way, which I have yet to see, unless you have spelled out “I LOVE YOU DAD” by crying in Morse code.
Jess and Dustin talk about how in a worst case scenario, it’s a 3-3 split, so they probably have nothing to worry about. Then one of Dustin’s gray shirts rises out of his suitcase, origami-s itself into the shape of a crow, and lands on his shoulder.
After a segment in which Eric tries to explain away his “sickness” from Tuesday night and Jess buys it hook, line, and sinker, Zach makes dinner for Jessica in the backyard. He basically tells her that he’ll vote however she tells him to, which is pretty much the right move for him. I can’t believe he is still sitting there. Jen too. They’re drinking Coors out of wine glasses, like this is the best Spring Formal ever.
Eric goes to get his AP order, which, of course, tells him to target Dustin, because America loves people who love their kids, even when those people have almost no other redeeming qualities. Other than the fact that they now the lead singer of Van Halen. No, not that one. The other one. No, the other other one.
Eric goes into the HoH to try to convince Jessica to get rid of Dustin. He starts in on Jess and in the middle of his intro she gets hot and decides to take off her shirt. Eric, of course, gets distracted (as we “breeders” are wont to do when boobies make an appearance). Eric gets all squealy and Jason Biggs as the sound effects guys insert all sorts of awesome wacky awkward teenage sex romp noises. That kind of thing is what makes this show awesome. Well, that and the great casting job they do every year. Then there are a whole bunch of weird edits where she ends up telling him to leave and then sighs, but the shots are so obviously out of order that they may well have been taken from one of Hitler’s treasure vaults.
Um, sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands in my armpits, like this.
Dick goes to Eric and tells him that with the alliance that he’s in now, he can only trust half the people. Then he proposes and alliance between Eric, Jess, himself and Daniele. So, according to Dick, Eric’s better off with the people who spun a web of lies to try to get him out last week. Pausing to take my socks off and get to my toes, this means that he can’t trust roughly two of the four people in the alliance that Dick proposes, which makes…30 percent? Oh my god, Eric would be much better off! He should totally do it! On the other hand, he gets to be in an alliance in which one of the members is not Amber, so that would pretty much be my decision right there.
Later in the backyard, Eric goes to Jess about getting rid of Dustin. He tries to think of a good reason, but there really isn’t one except for the fact that he wants to accomplish his task. It’s a good thing Jessica’s kind of paranoid about everyone, though. Basically, Eric thinks that aligning with the stronger people will make it easier to pick off the easier ones, because Amber is weak and Jameka can’t compete and Jen and Zach are still (remarkably) free boots. Jessica looks…nervous. She shouldn’t be, she can come off looking pretty clean if she does this right.
After the break, it’s time for Chenaconda to interview the houseguests. Julie starts off by asking Dick what it was like to save himself with the veto, which makes everyone laugh. Pronouns: when you have no genitalia and live a sad sexless robot life, you’ll mess them up, too.
Chen then puts Daniele on the spot (her questions are awesome and sneaky tonight, by the way, which makes me think she might actually be part snake) and asks her whether she would have done the same thing for her dad. The answer is no, of course, so she hems and haws about how luckily, she wasn’t in that situation, but she’d like to think she would have. Now let’s all hold hands and dance!
And now, my favorite moment of the entire episode. Julie baits the hook by congratulating everyone for making it halfway, then she throws the line out and hooks Amber right in the cheek. Amber has removed her braids, and her hair actually looks really good, so…that’s my nice thing about Amber for the season. Julie asks Amber if there’s anything she would like to tell her family! Who is watching right now!
Julie said the F word, which is Amber’s cue to begin bawling. Seriously, it’s amazing, it’s like a split second change. Amber’s expression goes from its normal bitchface to sprawling mess in about two seconds. It is literally the coolest thing I have ever seen not involving Jen or a tetherball. Can we get some time-lapse photography up in this bitch?
It’s like one of those videos where a flower grows from a seed, blooms beautifully, and then dies. Except I feel pity for the flower.
And now, it’s time to talk to Joe! About Dustin! Haven’t we all missed this? No? Sadly, we don’t even get to see Joe’s lower half, so we will never know if his Joe-rts make an appearance or not. He is, however, wearing a Pendant of Life from Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Someone’s spent my time since being evicted exploring the Shrine of the Silver Monkey!
Joe talks all about Dustin, his choice to take the prizes and how it was selfish for him to just look out for himself. To prove this, Dustin walks around the house in his king’s robe. Joe, you can’t judge people by how they dress. Let he who has not worn a poncho on live television cast the first pair of Crocs, or whatever. Also, as I’ve said before, the concept of selfishness does not apply to competition reality shows. Haven’t you heard about the new rules? Everyone on Big Brother wins the money! Time for more dancing!
Also time to talk to Jessica in the HoH room! Slap another notch on the Jessica Hotwatch Tally. I know, I don’t understand it either. Jessica tells us that she put up Dustin because she questions the allegiance of some of the people in her alliance; she also says that she trusts Eric and Jameka the most out of all the people in the LNC. Julie scores another direct hit when she asks Jess about her romantic feelings for Eric. And Jessica actually responds with a maybe! Good for Eric! I can’t even mock that, it’s pretty impressive.
Time for the live vote. Dustin tells everyone in his final words that he hopes that everyone decides to make the next six weeks as much fun as the first six weeks, whatever that means. Dude, I’ve been dealing with Amber’s broke ass for six weeks? Dick tells everybody that his only regret is that Carol isn’t there to give him a kiss goodbye, or something. I think it’s an inside joke. Otherwise, it’s squandered opportunity to make a good Carol joke.
Amber votes first, and she votes to evict HER NECKLACE, HATE. Also, she votes to evict Dick. Eric has to vote to evict Dustin, and talks about how he decided to embrace America’s Choice even though it’s not his own. And, say what you want about Eric, but: props to him and him alone for the outcome this week. We told him to do something, he saw an opportunity to do it, and he took it. Dick’s proposal would never have had a shot if America hadn’t told him to evict Dustin, so he’s living up to his end of the bargain, for sure.
Jameka looks like Alicia Keys this week as she votes to evict Dick. Daniele votes to keep her father around and evict Dustin. Zach votes to evict Dustin, and then Jen comes in wearing what may or may not be a baton twirler’s uniform and votes to evict Dustin.
All this needs is one of those tall hats. Am I right?
With that, he is out. Of the house, I mean. Julie tells Dustin (with no “Dick, you are safe” mindmeld, which is a missed opportunity on her part) that he is evicted, and the totally awesome camera guys cut right to Amber. AMAZING. Before Dustin is even out of his chair, Amber is crying.
Oh, sorry, I forgot about my rule from last week. We had a brief respite from Amber’s constant bawling and I forgot. Rewrite!
Before Dustin is even out of his chair, Amber is performing the choreography from an Off-Broadway musical adaptation of “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” Look at her go! Dustin hugs some of the houseguests goodbye (but not Eric) and exits the house quickly, clearly stunned. The second he goes out the door, the houseguests scatter to different areas, because literally nobody wants to talk about it. It’s like the exact opposite of last week.
Back in Chen’s lair, she notes that Dustin is a little stunned. You will be surprised to know that he concurs. He tells Julie that Eric is a liar and was the fourth vote against him, and that’s why he’s evicted. Julie rubs it in by asking whether he regrets volunteering, and he pretty much tells her no, but he is totally about to cry, you can tell.
I’m not crying, it’s a side effect of the antibiotics.
In his goodbye videos, Dick rubs it in and takes credit for the boot, which is wrong and wrong. Jen is her usual hilarious self, telling Dustin that tanning was “um…fun” after her usual goodbye introduction. Daniele (who just called Dustin “the fakest person in the house”) tells him that it’s been really nice getting to know him. And she means it! And is not fake!
And then…Amber. She spends her entire goodbye video reciting passages from Homer’s Odyssey, and tells Dustin that she loves him. SO, SO MUCH. And then she wipes some iambic pentameter from her eye. I seriously can’t wait for her eviction interview. Is Julie Chen allowed to get wet, or does she short circuit?
Julie shuffles Dustin off to the jury house so that she can start the HoH competition, which involves some questions about a variety of wacky visitors that the house received over the last week. Zach wakes up in the morning to find a creepy midget lounging on the couch in the living room. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to me. Each time, I swear to drink less bourbon, and each time, I fail.
The midget runs around the house falling all over himself and spouting random catchphrases. The best part is when the midget runs into the bathroom and Jameka gets all freaked out and goes, “Yo, he’s comin’ this way!” and tries to hide. Little known fact: it’s really hard to hide from a midget. It is not because they are small, but because they can see through walls.
In the backyard, a whole bunch of random crap is going on. There’s a pirate on stilts (which I take to be a subtle jab at Mark Burnett), and a barber shop quartet singing Big Brother songs. Amber looks scared. Isn’t she from Vegas? Don’t people like this grab her ass every time she goes to work?
This is taking a lot of attention away from me. I’d better go find a fad from five years ago to exploit. Anybody know where I can get a Tamagotchi?
And then, when they go back inside, there’s more random crap. There are rabbits, and one of those human statues that occupy the mall at the Venetian Hotel. The thing is, none of this is half as weird as the people actually occupying the house. It’s like taking someone who’s double jointed to the circus. The double jointed guy’s gonna be like, “Look what I can do!” and the circus people are going to be like, “Big whoop. Now watch me cry for eighteen hours without stopping.”
Julie will be asking a bunch of questions about all the random stuff that happened. Get a question wrong, you’re out. Last person in is HoH. The first question is about the pirate on stilts, and Jen gets it wrong and is out. Apparently she misunderstood the directions or something, and she spends the rest of the show kicking herself. Dick and Zach get eliminated on the next question, leaving only Amber, Dani, and Eric. Eric gets knocked out on the next question, so Amber and Dani are the last two. Dani gets the last question right, and she is HoH. She begins celebrating all over the place, but…I’m not excited. When things are going her way, she’s perfectly enjoyable to watch, but when they’re not, all she does is cry and whine, and then she shuts down. It’s really annoying.
After the commercial, Julie messes with Amber some more, which is something that I could watch for an hour straight. It never gets old. How does Amber feel about Dustin being gone? You will be shocked to hear that the answer is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH. But Amber only gets to WA, and then Julie awesomely cuts her off. Hi five for Chenaconda this week! She kicked ass, even though she flubbed a couple of lines.