Previously on Big Brother, Natalie finally got her backrub from Matt which consisted of him rubbing a wooden block on her back while he dry heaved.
Aren’t they adorable?
After last episode’s surprise switcheroo where James removed Sheila from the block, Matt approaches James for an explanation as to why James felt compelled to treat him like the star of Backdoor Sluts 9. James tells Matt that it’s simply because Matt and Natalie are too strong of an alliance and need to be split up, choosing not to reveal his real reason: that Matt looked him straight in the eye, with his good eye, and lied about voting him back in the house. Matt reminds James that Natalie is playing with him, mostly in his sleep, and Matt couldn’t care less about Natalie.
Matt tells James that he feels like he’s failing his mother, his poor, sweet, grey-haired dying mother, since he promised that he would win for her so he could help pay for her new…..uh….kidney. That’s it, that’s the ticket. James gives no response so Matt whips up a few tears, again from his good eye. James offers to give Matt a hug but Matt declines since James dropped his pants and took a hit of poppers before the offer.
Both Matt and Natalie are inconsolable and weepy. Matt realizes that he probably doesn’t have the votes to stay in the house and Natalie is angry because if anybody is going to screw Matt it’s going to be her. Natalie takes this opportunity to cling to Matt like he’s a floating headboard beside the sinking Titanic. Matt doesn’t feel like suffering the fool and tells Natalie that he wants to pull a Greta Garbo and be alone. Matt comments that he must look like a little bitch crying on camera and I can confirm that yes, indeed he does.
Boys do cry! And it’s beautiful!
Ryan’s down-low partner Josh tells Ryan that he has his vote to stay in the house. Sheila also tells Ryan that he has her vote. She goes on to say that she has decided and once she makes a decision it’s decisioned and that’s that. There’s no going back. Nothing in the world can change her mind.
Matt comes crying to Moose about his slim chances of staying in the house and Moose gets fired up and googley eyed telling Matt that he needs to fight. Moose tells Matt that anything is possible if he puts his mind to it like the time Moose wanted to get a job working with ‘tards. He put his mind to it and it happened and nothing can change that. Matt feels impassioned by Moose’s ire and decides to start campaigning to stay even if he has to rely on his innate charm and sympathy from the ladies.
Matt later comes to Chelsia and asks what he has to do to get her vote. He tells her that if he is sent out of the house he will be spending his birthday alone in the sequester house and he has never spent a birthday alone, other than the time his dad dropped him off on a highway overpass when he was 5. Matt then gives the same speech to Sharon, basically begging and laying on what the Bostonians consider charm. He asks Sheila for her vote and says he’ll do anything for her, including that “hide the grape” game she plays with her pet rooster. All of the ladies are noncommittal and later confess that they can see right through his greasy douchebag “charm.” Matt doesn’t get why nobody is promising him a vote since he’s always been able to get chicks to do what he wants by flashing a smile and promising them a ride in his Camaro.
That question assumes a lot.
Matt comes up to the girls in the back yard and starts in with the begging again but Chelsia tells him to give it a rest. She says she’s busy and doesn’t have time to listen to him as she’s lying in the hammock. Matt reminds them that he has never crossed any of them and doesn’t understand why everybody wants him gone. He recounts all the horrible things that Ryan has done (taking Sheila’s money in the Veto game, yelling at Chelsia and going back on his word and putting Sharon on the block). Sheila begins to wonder why she wanted to keep Ryan and if her prior decisioning was right.
Sheila goes to James to talk votes and reminds him that Matt has done nothing to her. Ryan backdoored James and if it comes down to a tie James will have to break it. Sheila tells James that if Ryan stays he will be coming after him with his big sausage fingers and cantaloupe sized calves. James says that he is not sure who he would want to stay in the house if it comes down to a tie, and Sheila keeps pressing the issue until she begins to sound like a baby pterodactyl cawing.
In the Chenbot’s conversation with the houseguests, she asks Natalie how she feels about James right now. Natalie says that James is a hypocrite, a liar and untrustworthy. In other words he is totally her type. Next Julie makes the mistake of asking Moose a question about his bible study and he bellows an incomprehensible answer before Julie cuts him off.
Next up we get an update on the Donato’s. Evel Dick is riding high on his pseudo-fame, getting to meet all the big stars like Chuck Woolery and Nancy McKeon. He and Dani are close now, especially since he took her on a trip to Europe and bought her a new car with his winnings. Dani and Nick are no longer together since they quickly realized that there are a lot better people in the world and they’re both generally unpleasant and distasteful.
I’M A STAAAAAAR!
Enough of that. Chenbot gives both of the nominees a chance to speak their case as to why they should stay. Ryan stands and says that he’s pretty much out of new material for these speeches since he’s been there so often. He also states that he would like to make right the things he has done wrong so far, such as being racist and getting that tattoo on his leg. He didn’t realize that only gay guys got that.
Matt pulls a Paula Abdul and recites the same speech with only changing a few of the words and telling people they look beautiful tonight.
After the votes, Sheila’s premonition comes true and we have a tie, which James must break. Chenbot informs James of these circumstances and without and pretense of deliberation, James stands and says “Matt.”
Matt hangs his head and leaves with half-ass hugs all around, only a handshake for Matt before leaving the house. When Matty talks to the Chenbot she inquires about his true feelings for Natalie. Matt says that she is a great girl but he and Natalie are just going to be friends forever. The Chenbot then shows Matt the taped goodbye videos in which Natalie reminds Matt that they are soulmates and whether he knows it or not they will be together forever because if she can’t have him no one will. With that Matt is out of the house and off the Jury House to spend his birthday furiously masturbating alone just like he did from ages 13-20 until he was able to ply women with liquor.
Yes! I will marry you!
The HOH competition this week consists of Trivia questions about things evicted houseguests have said in the diary room. During the competition Sheila is kicked out of the game for missing a question about something Allison said about her. Stupid bitch. There is much mishigos and drama before we finally come down to Chelsia going head to enormous, bulbous head with Moose. Moose rings in before Chenbot can ask the question and randomly says the only name that has not been given yet and wins by sheer luck. Sheer beady-eyed luck.
Before the show ends Chenbot tells us that we are in for a treat next week when Evel Dick will return to give the houseguests a wake-up call they will never forget. I for one can’t wait. Or can I? Yes, yes I can.