Dan, Dan, He’s Our Man, if He Can’t Do It He’ll Lie Until He Does

Previously on Big Brother, my heart was ripped from my chest, eaten by a jackal and then pooped out in a muddy alley in Cincinnati. I’ll never love again.

“I don’t wanna close my eyes. I don’t wanna fall asleep, ’cause I’ll miss you babe, and I don’t wanna miss a thing……”

On this very special Tuesday live edition of Big Brother Julie says “Hidey HOH” in the kind of basic pant and blouse ensemble that Lucy Ricardo would wear on laundry day. Has anybody else noticed how much she’s toned down her wardrobe this year? Back in my day we’d get three camel toes an episode and still get change back from the nickel. Tonight will be the Veto competition and ceremony, followed immediately by the eviction since the Veto winner will be the only person left to vote. This will bring us down to that all important final three, which is just a heartbeat away from the final two, which is basically the final one. We’re almost there boys and girls.

There are bubbles all over the apartment building! My bad!

Dan’s decision to put Memphis on the block this week was purely strategic, giving their alliance a chance to gain the trust of everyone and really piss them off when they screw them over in the future. It’s fiendishly clever. Wait, no it’s patently stupid. They had to have a strong belief that neither Jerry, the 74-year-old Grandfather from Pangea, or Keesha, the 24-year-old Hooters waitress from “different places” could win the Veto. Keesha especially since, whereas she is a pretty girl and probably serves up a mean plate of hot wings, isn’t so good with the thinking or physicality. Keesha and Jerry also should have been on to this alliance since Memphis carried the nomination box for Dan since Dan’s poor weak ankles would crack like walnuts from the excess weight.

Unfortunately both Jerry and Keesha believe that Dan and Memphis are at odds with each other. Jerry thinks that Dan is committed to Keesha and therefore descends upon Memphis for a last ditch effort to align himself with a winner. When Jerry comes to Memphis in the bedroom to ask for his vote, it’s Memphis who is wearing the fedora and mail order pants and Jerry who is wearing the Izod muscle shirt in a bit of delicious irony. Memphis once again pledges his allegiance to the flab and Jerry blindly believes him once again. Isn’t the definition of insanity making the same mistake over and over again and hoping for different results?

Like a fox!

Keesha fawns over Dan and showers him with thanks for saving her from the block. Keesha realizes that Dan has always been honest with her, or so she thinks, and doesn’t care that he has screwed everyone else over in one way or another. While chatting with Dan, they spot Jerry canoodling with Memphis in the kitchen and Keesha sees that Jerry is working on an evil plan of his own. When Keesha mentions that she respects Dan for keeping his word we see a slight twinge of guilt cross over his eyes, before that twinge is replaced with dollar signs and images of Hilary Clinton in a bikini fanning him on a beach.

I’m all yours, Father Dan.

While Jerry chats with Memphis in the kitchen he makes a sad request. “All I ask is that I’m not being played for a fool,” he says while trying to eat the plastic fruit. Unfortunately Jerry is about a season too late for that request. Memphis swears on his girlfriend and many mistresses’ lives that he is an honest man. Jerry lays it on the line and recites his marriage proposal to Memphis saying, “you’re my only hope, baby.” A slight twinge of guilt passes through Memphis until those feelings are replaced with the image of a shopping spree on www.lids.com. Since nothing is funnier than mocking the elderly Dan and Memphis convene in the HOH room later to make fun of Jerry’s desperation while watching him on the big screen. “He’s so old, it’s hilarious. His wife has Parkinsons! Stop, stop, I’m gonna pee.”

As you recall from last week Dan won a whirlwind one-day vacation to a dream island with Michelle. Dan obviously hopes to live out fantasies from one of his favorite movies of all time, Enemy Mine. Dan plans to spend the entire day laying on the charm to get Michelle to, if not vote for him, then to convince her not to murder him with her afro pick when he gets out. While Dan is on his way to the helipad he passes a gas station and sees that gas prices are at $3.89 and is shocked by how much they’ve gone down sine he entered the house prompting him to believe that we’re doing pretty well in this necessary war with terror. “Go America,” he states as tears well in his eyes as he clutches his Dubya 8X10 glossy.

Dan later waits on the beach for Michelle to arrive and Michelle is visibly shocked, or perhaps always has that face, to see that it was Dan who brought her there. Regardless Michelle hugs him anyway, just happy to be out of the house and away from the April/Ollie jungle love-fest which has left a stink that they won’t be able to get out by next season. I also have to say that Michelle is much more…..tolerable to look at when her hair is straightened.

It’s not good mind you, but I was able to look at the screen without having flashbacks of the time my sister Pru was killed by a sea-hag.

During Dan’s prayer before their meal he thanks God for the hearty bounty they are about to receive and for the fact that Michelle isn’t too mad at him, neither of which God actually provided. One was provided by the good folks at In and Out Burger and the other was provided by the wine. Dan realizes that his best shot is to get Michelle liquored up if he stands any chance with her, which is ironic since that is normally Michelle’s motus operandi on dates.

Dan finally lays his cards on the table and asks Michelle if she hates him. Michelle says that she was truly devastated, that expression wasn’t just her face that time. She asks if everyone knew what was going to happen and Dan is surprisingly honest for the first time, possibly in his life, and says that Keesha, Memphis and Renny knew. When Dan asks if he has any chance of winning, Michelle says that she’s not sure but she may have the power to sway people if she chooses to do so. At this point Michelle swings her foot up on the table and whispers, “see anything ya like, Senor?” OK that didn’t happen but my night terrors are definitely going to come back.

It’stimeforthevetocompetition!!! When the players enter the backyard they see a four-sided pyramid with lighted stairs like in the Billie Jean music video. The players have to reveal clues about evicted houseguests written on the stairs and then place the name of that evicted houseguest on the stair before ascending to the next one. Michelle is determined to win, and please that is so not going to happen. Jerry wants to win, but puh-lease that is so not going to happen either, so it’s down to Memphis and Dan. However, Dan doesn’t want to get any more blood on his hands, especially after his romp with Michelle in the ocean considering she’s a biter when she gets frisky and hasn’t shaved her scabby armpits in 64 days. Dan therefore decides to throw the competition.

Fuck. Stairs. And thinking.

Sadly Dan’s only ally, Memphis, is more of an idiot than his actions and apparel led us to believe. Even while trying to lose Dan is head and shoulders beyond everyone. After purposely missing the final answer six times, while trying to look flustered as if he’s really, really trying, Memphis finally comes through by sheer luck, trial and error, and the fact that Jerry and Keesha are both daft as a sack of doorknobs.

After the Veto competition Dan and Memphis are having some quality turd time, celebrating their victory when they begin a discussion regarding whom they should take to the final three with them. Even though Keesha, a sweet girl for true, has sucked at everything she’s ever done, they decide that Jerry with his bad knees, poor hearing, rampant asthma, deadly heart condition, chronic back pain and painful bursitis might be the easier person to beat, but only barely. Keesha comes up to fart knock block and is thrilled that Memphis won the Veto assuring that she, Dan and Memphis, the alliance that has come so far together, will be competing in the final three. Keesha mockingly mentions that her fate is in these guys hands again, to which Memphis replies, “at least you didn’t already unpack.” Dan glares at Memphis, Keesha’s sculpted eyebrows furrow as Memphis tries to back peddle. “At this point no one….everyone…should unpack….er pack. No one is safe. I’m not. You’re not. Dan’s not. I could kill Dan in his sleep with an ax. Not that I would or ever have. You don’t know me! You have no evidence! It will never stick in a court of law. You just try it missy. I’ll be back on the streets by midnight!” Keesha finally decides to excuse herself leaving Dan angry with Memphis’s blunder and Memphis proud of his ability to think quickly on his feet.

The next day Keesha is giving herself a much-needed pedicure when she finally realizes that Memphis is going to evict her. Always one to address an issue full frontal, Keesha rolls up her pant legs and marches to the HOH room to get some answers. When she enters the room she asks directly if they plan to evict her. Dan plays innocent once again and says that it’s not his decision who to evict, allowing his good friend Pontious to look his betrayed in her tear-filled eyes. Memphis will not answer the question, which makes Keesha realize that he is indeed planning to screw her over. Before Keesha leaves these ass people to go bite her pillow, she informs them that anyone who evicts her will not be getting her vote in the Jury House.

I’m so not leaving my lucky tooth with these assholes.

Keesha goes to her room and removes the foam toe separators before curling up in a ball and crying like a little Amber. Memphis comes to the room and stands before her, asking her to rise for a hug. Keesha shuns his feeble attempt at making nice and Memphis shuffles out of the room, denied his last chance for female attention for at least one week and probably much longer. Keesha comes into the living room and reminds Memphis how many times she has stood up for him and the fact that they took a blood oath to stick together until the end, but Memphis cleverly evades her barbs by staring blankly at his shoes. Later Dan comes to Keesha and plays more Dan strategy by telling Keesha that he has been working his bony ass off to keep her in the house but Memphis is determined to send her packing. He assures Keesha that he is going to keep trying because she’s his favorite Hooters waitress of all time. Meanwhile Memphis begins to question his evictee choice, wondering if he will regret his horrible decision later.

Back at one of Mrs. Bot’s sexy parties, Julie puts her top back on and takes an opportunity to chat with the houseguests. First off she informs them of the true identity of the gorilla in the most recent luxury competition, which was of course Jessie after not shaving for a couple weeks. Keesha states that she wouldn’t have been so giddy had she known that Jessie was the one causing her to make those dolphin laughs. She also states that she was really excited to see that gorilla which is exactly what Jessie’s boyfriend said when Jessie came home. Next up Mrs. Bot turns to Memphis and asks the questions that’s on all of our minds, what exactly is a “fruitless exit?” As we all know that is when you rush out of the door to work and forget to bring your banana for breakfast. Next she asks Dan about his trip and I was really expecting her to shake things up by mentioning Michelle, as did Dan. You can tell by the beads of sweat on his baby-fine mustache as she talks. Lucky for Dan Julie keeps his secret. Finally Julie asks Jerry how surprised he is to still be in the house and Jerry says that he’s actually made an offer on the house and would like to move in. He’s willing to pay what he paid for his own house when he got married: $42 and a jar of Dapper Dan Pomade.

Immediately after this pleasant conversation, things turn nasty when Memphis is given the opportunity to use the Veto, which he of course does, and places Keesha on the block in his place. Jerry and Keesha are given the opportunity to stand and plead their case as to why they should stay in the house. Jerry gives a rambling story about the time he met Floyd the barber from the Andy Griffeth Show before Keesha stands to make her speech. Keesha states that she has absolutely nothing to say to Memphis, and wants to take this opportunity to thank Dan for being so honest and supportive toward her, at which point I thank God for DVR so that Keesha can see the error of her ways at a later date. After this it’s not a surprise that Memphis chooses to evict Keesha.

Kiss my grits, how bout that?

On Keesha’s way out she stops to hug Jerry, and then Dan, leaving Memphis out in the cold. A showman until the bitter end, Dan hands Keesha a plastic duck and says there is a message on the bottom of it for her when she leaves the house. He also whispers a secret to her causing Keesha to gasp and nod before she walks out of the door. When Keesha enters the sexy party, the camera flips back to the house. Dan is shrewd as ever and really plays up his disgust for Memphis, deriding him for his stupid decision, screaming, “if you think I’m taking you to the end after that you’re insane!” Ahh, Dan I love ya, but it would never work between us since you’d backdoor me and then cheat left and right.

Julie obviously asks Keesha what Dan whispered to her and she tells us that Dan told her that he took Michelle to the beach with him. Keesha says that this information is huge and no one’s life will ever be the same again, but is wise enough to realize that Dan was just fishing for a vote. When Julie asks Keesha what is on the bottom of the duck Keesha turns it over and sees that the word “hot” is written there. A fiendishly clever clue or his feeble attempt to secretly ask Keesha out despite his ever-present “Taken” t-shirt? Only time will tell. Or do I care? I’m still not sure. The taped messages are exactly what we would expect with Jerry rambling on with a parable about a snake in the jungle eating a cow, Memphis saying he’s sorry and Dan promising that he had absolutely nothing to do with her eviction whatsoever.

After the break we’re back for part 1 of the 87 part final HOH competition. Memphis, Dan and Jerry are standing on over sized model airplanes in the backyard. Julie informs them that when the competition starts the last one standing will move on and the other two will have to compete in the second round, before all three move on to the swimsuit and evening gown portion of the competition. It’s gonna be a heated battle between these three fierce competitor and there’s no way to tell who….O, Jerry fell. Not really, but we can only assume it will be a matter of moments before he gets WWII flashbacks and Charlie crawls toward the house.

First time I did this I wore a glitter bikini and a feather headdress. Ah, the thirties!

Well, what did you think? Do you think Jerry actually has what it takes to make it through this 3-part competition? Who do you want to win? I’m officially offended by Memphis killing an innocent moth on Sunday, and Dan standing idly by, but I also can’t stand the fact that Jerry should be over this bullshit by the age of 74. Mostly I’m just happy that Maggie is nowhere near this competition.