By Flipit|Wednesday, July 11, 2007 | 1:10 am | 26 Comments
Previously on Big Brother, Jen WAAAAHed about her fugly picture on the wall of shame, the hot guy was covered in butter, and Kail proved that you don’t have to be able to properly speak the English language to run half a town.
Tonight, Jen’s a dumbass, Amber gets dissed by God, and Daniele pigs out. That last one’s a lie, but a boy can dream. Come on, sweetie. You’re scarin’ me.
Let’s do this!
We pick up where we left off Sunday. Kail tells Amber and Carol they’re on the chopping block, and there is a long moment of silence while Amber tries to evict the flies that took up residence in her mouth because she left it hanging open so long. Why meeeeee???
Kail tells us that she was totally fair and no one can accuse her of being mean or vindictive. Fine. But we can accuse you of trying to induce seizures with your hideous horizontally striped vest.
Ow! My eyes!
Who even sells clothing like this? She is pretty confident that she got off “scotch free” with her nominations. “Is that right? Scotch free?” You should seriously consider home schooling those brats of yours. Lesson one: When you need to make a point, just string some random words together Lesson two: Don’t be gay.
The nomination news slides off Carol’s back, but Amber doesn’t take it so well. Once her jaw starts working again, she cries to the cameras (some more) about how she would never betray a fellow mom!! Whatever, lady. You popped out a baby. Congratufuckinglations. Your prize is stretch marks, now shut it.
Wow. No one can comfort this girl. She is a sobbing mess. Looking on the bright side, she tells us that God put her on the block (WTF?!) as a gift to prepare her for long term things. Like obscurity. I am so sure God’s in Heaven wasting his Summer away watching Big Brother right now. Of course if he was, it would explain a hell of a lot.
Zach, who I don’t think has said one word in five days except “OK”, explains to us that it was his alliance with Kail that put Carol and Amber on the block, and this is the best “applicable decision”. Huh? No wonder they don’t let him speak. I can’t wait til he has a long convo with Kail. I love a good word puzzle.
Carol has her feet up or her legs crossed Indian style every time she talks about being nominated like she doesn’t really care, but Jessica isn’t buying it. She’s fronting, it’s a front, and front front. Who taught her that word? Jessica’s voice is so nasal and stupid that I have to turn the volume down a little every time she speaks, but I also have to rewind because I am laughing so hard. Kinda loving her dumb ass.
Deciding that she better do something soon or her butt will be tossed, Carol looks around for the dimmest guy in the house. It’s got to be one of the muscle heads, because if she can sway one of those boners, the rest will follow. Lunkheads of a feather…or as Carol herself puts it, “They all have a niche.” What? This season is going to spawn a language of it’s own.
She finally chooses to go to Zach for advice. She tells him she doesn’t want to be mean to anyone and she feels sad and alone. He gives her some tough love. “What? You don’t think I’ve been sad and alone, too?” She tells him he doesn’t have to be. EWWWW!!!! She promises to fight, and he promises to help her as long as she doesn’t act like a wuss. Then they do it. Hard.
Just when I thought it was safe to stop screaming LALALALALALA and uncovered my eyes, the image of Leaky Dick, Dirty Dick, and Republican Dick was waiting for me on my screen.
The Three Dicks
Why is Big Brother trying to make me poke out my eyes? WHY? Schoonie, tell me you’re not wishing Joe had on a pair of jorts right now.
Dirty Dick tells Republican Dick about taking his son to a strip club in Vegas for his birthday and handing him all the vices he’ll be fighting for the rest of his life: strippers, booze, and gambling. Lucky kid. I got binge eating, internet gambling and showtunes. Dirty thinks Daniele hates him because they are so much alike. Riiiight. You’re like twins. Kail is touched. Never. Eating. Again. I almost take a baseball bat to my TV and then this happens.
Ahhhhh. Much better now.
We are treated to a montage of all the girls saying how hot Nick is. Well, all but Jen, who claims to not like muscles. Shut up, liar. BTW, you look like crap. Say cheese!
Nick’s big strategy is to be hot so none of the chicks will vote him out. Sounds like a plan I can root for. He rates his favorite girls to flirt with. First is Daniele, because she’s (anorexic) hot and (silent) funny. Kail also called Daniele funny in this episode, which leads me to ask…when is Daniele gonna be funny? I’ve seen her be pretty, sweet, and bony, but that’s it. Anyhoo….
Second fave to flirt with is Amber, because she’s from Las Vegas and she’s probably a freak in the sack. All she does is cry. Why would he think that? Then she tells him she’s seriously like totally a nympho. Ew. My bad. She cries and sexes.
In third place is Glamour Shot herself, Jen, who is wearing her Jenius shirt. Oy. Nick doesn’t bother changing his bs for any of these girls, telling them all that he likes them the best cuz he can just “like, chill” with them. God, boys can really fuck you up with shallow lies. Even “I don’t like muscles” Jenius falls for it and decides she likes him after all. Maybe she said she doesn’t like mussels.
Carol calls him out on his flirting ways and tells him that every girl has talked about him hitting on them. She asks “Who’s gonna be the lucky girl?” and he replies “Or boy… question mark!” WHAT?!?!?!!!???!!??? Cut to Joe’s pasty ass. I have never had blood rush to my penis and then back out so rapidly. I had to press pause and catch my breath. You’re killin’ me here, editors!
Jenius tells her housemates that she feels bad for Daniele’s boyfriend, because obviously she’s about to bone Nick. She says that Nick tried to kiss her, but she said no. Mmhmm. In one of the bedrooms, Nick starts pulling off his pants and then the show abruptly cuts to some fat dude in an Applebee’s commercial. AAARRRGH.
Somehow during commercial break, Jenius got caught in a lie. Huh? What lie? That Nick tried to kiss her? I don’t get it. Someone please ‘splain. She asks for some private time with my favorite Pomade helmet in the closet and tells him that she doesn’t like that he’s flirting with other girls. Psycho! Bet you never saw that one coming. He says that he didn’t have sex or kiss anyone, so it doesn’t count, and then she asks him if he’s gonna try and kiss her later. Someone check this girl’s thighs. I’m betting we’ve got a cutter on our hands.
Outside, Nick tells Amber, Joe and Dirty about what a looney tune that girl’s being, and everyone starts ragging on her. Jen’s made all sorts of shirts for herself. Jensa Member, Jenuine, Jenth Degree (to name a few), and Amber is over it. “We get it! You’re name’s Jen!” LOLOLLLL. She says if she sees one more Jen on a shirt, she’s gonna commit suicide. Come on, I can’t be the only one rooting for a Practice Good Jenmanship tank in Jenius’ suitcase.
Kail and Amber go to the HOH suite for some private time and Amber doesn’t even try the crying game. She asks Kail bluntly what she’ll do if Amber or Carol wins the Veto, and Kail doesn’t know. Who does Amber suggest she try to off? Hmmm. That’s a tough one. Kail agrees to try to get rid of Jenius if she has a chance, but when she has alone time with Mike, who looks like a really mole-y Austin from Days of Our Lives (I’m just saying), she bounces around some additional names. Daniele’s first (even though it would piss off her new BFF), Dirty, or hell, she casually suggests like she didn’t hate him the second she laid eyes on him, get rid of Jow Blow. In the end, they agree that Jenius is the best choice.
And now it’s time for my favorite scene of the night: Amber lying in bed pretending to pray. She cries and begs God to help her annihilate her competition as she rubs a stick of lip gloss like it’s a rosary. Oy. She says she needs strength because her family is at home watching right now. Yup. They were also watching ten minutes ago when you told Nick you were a nympho and suggested “experimenting”. Nevertheless, God, please take some time out of your busy schedule and help this tard. Amen.
Dear God, Please make this lip gloss last 4evr. Love, Amber. PS: Please help my eyebrows grow in faster. I am starting to feel stupid.
Time for the Veto Competition! You know the rules by now. The HOH and the Nominees pick three random names out of a bag and all six compete for the power of Veto. Got it? Kail picks Houseguest’s Choice, so she gets to choose whoever she wants to compete. She chooses Daniele, who is still really not funny. Amber picks Jameka’s name, and Carol picks Nick. BTW, could someone please ‘splain this?
Kail picks Jessica as the host for the Competition, and I stand up and cheer. How can you not love a squeaky voiced idiot who has the balls to wear her bangs in a rubber band on top of her head?
The six who aren’t competing have to hang out in HOH suite together, and every guy but Nick is stuck in the room with Jenius. She giggles about being the only girl, and the guys look around awkwardly. Man, if you have a rack like that and every guy in the house hates you, your personality really sucks it.
Today’s ridonkulous game is Hide and Seek. The players each get a veto that they can hide anywhere in the house. The last one found is the winner. Daniele chooses the bucket of slop, because everyone thinks it’s gross and won’t want to go near it, and Carol chooses between Dirty Dick’s mattresses because he’s gross and no one will want to go near his stuff. I’m sensing a gross trend here. Joe Blow’s lucky you can’t hide a veto in gonorrhea, or he’d be in some serious pain right now.
Amber prays real hard, but she can only think to put her veto in a pillowcase. God is one funny guy. Kail empties out all the Lipton tea bags from their box and haphazardly covers her veto before throwing the box on top of the fridge in disarray. Dumdum. She also left a bunch of bags all over the countertop. Nick hid his under a mattress, and Jameka circled back to the gross trend and put hers in her bag of hair extensions. No one’s gonna mess with her hair. Oh HELL no. I’m liking this girl.
While the game goes on, Dirty does his best to not start Jenius on fire as she giggles on the bed with Eric. Finally, he’s had it and he tells her she’s a dumb bitch and she’s mean. She smiles and whatevers. Refusing to let him touch her during the butter challenge hurt his widdle feewings, and she defends herself by saying she doesn’t want anything that’s touched a cigarette touching her skin. I reflexively flick my cigarette at the screen. Nasty ho.
Meanwhile, Kail find’s Nick’s veto and Carol finds Amber’s (God is officially giving her the silent treatment now). Jameka finds Carol’s and Nick finds one too, but Amber and Danielle aren’t so lucky. Two are still left, so everyone gets a second chance. This time, they destroy the house. Well, everyone except Jameka, who feels “violated” that her dirty clothes bag was emptied out on her bed. She cleaned instead of searching. Hahaaa. LOVE.
Finally Daniele makes it to the Lipton box (for the second time), and finds the last one. She’s also the only player who’s veto wasn’t found, making her the winna! No one calls her on putting her veto and her hands into the bucket of slop, which is nasty enough as it is, and it goes to show you that skinny blond girls can get away with anything. Amber wants to try and figure out a way to get Daniele to save her, and she doesn’t have to work too hard. “What do you think of Jen?” Sold!
Ew. Close your legs, Peppermint Patty.
Now for an America’s Player Update. Newsflash: this twist is fuckin lame. As you know, Eric, the “funny one” (sorry Daniele), is our representative. His first assignment is to pour his heart out about a fake traumatic event to Kail. Yawn.
He gets out the Visene and asks her to the HOH suite, where he moans on and on about a high school breakup. He describes the girl as a Daniele type. Not the same personality type, but she had an eating disorder. A. Ouch, and B. ROFL. Kail falls for it hook line and sinker. Fascinating. Moving on.
Joe Blow and Dustin stare at each other from their twin beds. For a second, I think Dustin’s directing a community theater version of Streetcar Named Desire, but it turns out to be a gay rash rehash. Uh-oh. Please don’t let them make up. There’s only one thing that grosses me out more that a gross straight couple, and that’s a gross gay couple. For the love of Dorothy, boys, get out of that room.
I need you to FEEEEL it, Blanche!
Daniele calls the HGs together for the veto session and asks Carol and Amber why they should stay. They both basically answer “cuz I wanna!” and I’m impressed that Amber doesn’t throw in a semi teary “kids God kiss necklace waaaah” for good measure. Daniele decides to not use the veto (nice try, Amber), which is awesome, because I am dying to see how many more Jen shirts Jenius brought.
My guess is Amber’s out, because she wants it too bad and Carol is waaaaay less of a threat. It might just be wishful thinking, though, because I want Carol to stay and make Jessica insane. I would try to come up with a nice ending to this recap to make you smile, but Jess did it for me.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit