By Flipit|Wednesday, July 18, 2007 | 5:13 am | 37 Comments
Previously on Big Brother, Jen was an idiot, Eric spoke in morse code to America with his wackadoo eyebrows, and Amber cried and begged God to help the bump on her head from that darned tether ball to stop swelling.
It’s all fun and games til’ someone gets head damage.
Jenius put Daniele and Dirty Dick up for eviction because they “cause negative atmosphere” and make living in the house awkward. Joe Blow is all up in areolas about it. He shrieks out as negatively as possible that no one would have any negative feelings if Jenius wasn’t here, forgetting his leaky pee pee rant and the awkward suction cups on his chest.
Daniele knows that she’s on the block because Jen’s jealous of the suitcase key under her pillow and she doesn’t seem to be too worried. Dick, well, Dick’s shirt says it all.
Tis the season of wearing T-shirts that warn people about your shitty ass personality. I’m gonna get some iron on fuzzy letters to make a shirt that says “I’m Fat Because I Hate Myself”. I’m trendy like that.
Jenius tells us that she nominated Dick and Daniele because she’s here to crush the dreams of negative people. She doesn’t want to be around anyone rude or crude. Hello, stomper of mom picture. To prove she’s generous, she lets Jameka stare at her huge saline filled jugs. Jameka has already told us that she’s hardly ever been around white people, and I can’t help but wonder what she’s gonna tell her friends when she’s back at home.
So, Jameka, what were the white people like?
How do you feel about the nominations, Amber? She gives Daniele a hug and doesn’t cry and make it all about herself this time. Good for you, girl! Oh, wait. There she blows.
God are you there? It’s me. Margaret.
Dirty has already told us that he isn’t going to stoop so low as to campaign against his own daughter. I know I give the guy a hard time, but I believe him. He may not be a good father, or a good person, or good looking…wait. I was trying to be nice. You know what I mean. Daniele, on the other hand, seems like a sweetheart, but she has no problem admitting that she’s here to kick everyone’s butts, including her dad’s. Raaar, kitten.
Nick lays down on the floor next to her bed later on and works on a Beggin’ Strip. He tells her about his alliance with Kail and the meat heads. WOAH!! What the hell has been happening on the feeds, people? Is he SERIOUS? Please tell me that she’s at least put out a little. He looks in her eyes and sniffles. Oh Jesus no, not you too, Pomade Helmet! He says that he’s developed feelings for her. I am offended, disgusted, and mortified.
Step away from my man, bitch!
Daniele is so touched by his honesty that she admits to only being 20 and having webbed toes. They sniffle and look into each other’s eyes. Which one’s lying? I say her (even though Nick never squeezed out any real tears and I don’t trust fake criers). People who don’t eat are secretly really angry and bitter. I guess what I am trying to say is, skinny people are evil. Mark my words.
Zack lays in the hammock with Mike and agrees with me. A guy who works out as much as Nick is bound to be a sucker for girls with .01% body fat, and Daniele’s blinding him with bones. He’s afraid that Nick will bow out on their agreement, but he’ll reserve judgment until he sees how Nick votes. “He better vote for Daniele”. Harsh. Mike just lays back and nods. Hotly.
I’m sorry…what were you saying?
America has voted for Eric to crawl into bed with Joe, and I think it’s one of the most well-thought out decisions we’ve made as a country in a long time. I might even pull that dusty flag I bought after 9/11 out of the glove box and stick it on my antennae in the morning for the drive to work. I’m proud to be an American.
Eric paces around the living room. At first I wonder why he’s acting so apprehensive about a little gayness. I mean, come on, dude. You’re wearing a glitter shirt and two nipple rings. Then I realize that getting into bed with another man and getting into bed with Joe Blow are two very different things.
Eric demonstrates his game plan.
There’s not a lot of space in Joe’s shared bed, so Eric only has room to kind of lean on top of the covers. He moves around a lot, obviously trying to get Joe to kick him out, but Joe pretends to stay asleep. He looks down at Eric like he knew this day would come eventually.
Eric can’t get Joe to kick him out of bed (a boy’s gotta eat), so he just gets up and leaves. WUSS!! FAILED!! Did anyone tell this guy that he gets ten grand for every five completed assignments? Give me the money! I’ll lick a handrail in a handicapped stall for less than a tenth of that.
The next morning, Joe decides to talk about the kinda cuddle while he and Eric take a shower. Ummm….WTF? Why are they taking a shower at the exact same time? Who followed who into that bathroom? Joe asks Eric if he has a problem with doing stuff in his sleep. Like what? Like humping people’s legs. Nope. Sorry. Wadn’t me. Joe said it was someone with dark hair. And a huge mouth. And manic eyebrows. Nope. Sorry. Move on. Nothin’ to see here.
You’re winking at the wrong homo.
Jenius gathers the Houseguests and announces it’s time for ball picking. Then she giggles. Oy. She picks out Mike’s name from the bag, Daniele picks Joe, and Dick picks Amber. Then guess what Amber does?
Oh for chrissakes.
What the hell is wrong with this girl? Dustin compounds the situation by fulfilling his role as (enabler) GBF way too honorably. He holds her hands, pouts, and brushes her hair. You’re not helping, Dustin! Slap the bitch!
Jenius, sly little fox that she is, comes into the gym to talk to them and puts on her A Game. The only truth in that sentence was “Jenius” and “comes into the gym”. She tells them both that if Amber wins and targets her for eviction, she’ll retaliate by going after Dustin. Damn, girl. Keep her nominations, or else. Who would fall for that bully bs? Uh-oh. Never mind.
She still has some salt left in her body, so she goes to the kitchen and sobs to Daniele, Nick, and Jameka. She hugs Nick for waaaay too long. Daniele leaves them be, but Jameka tells her to get ahold of herself and as she walks out the door, she says “I mean it!” Thank you! Please, God, let Jameka win this thing. Amber can’t hear her advice, because she’s still clinging to Nick.
Meanwhile, Jenius tries to use her same threat on Joe and he laughs in her face, which leaves her completely dumbfounded. LOL, Joe. Later, Dick comes up to her in the kitchen and tells her he’s coming after her with every disease he’s ever had. She scoffs at his herpes and challenges him to a bike race.
Joe jumps on the Dirty bandwagon and tells Jenius she had no right to threaten him and make Amber cry. Jenius explains that she only feels things when her own hideous pictures are involved and she meant no harm. While she goes off to (most likely make Amber cry again) apologize, Jameka overhears Zach tell Joe that Amber’s just emotional. She walks up to him and says “I think she’s empathetic. That’s just my opinion,” and starts to leave again. He smarts back that he’s glad she said something to him finally. She walks right back up to his face and asks him when she’s ever talked to him. Never. Ok, then, how is this any different? LOL!!
Zach makes another smart ass comment as she walks away and Joe tells him that people walk away from him because he’s always making snide little comments and it makes people uncomfortable. Then he takes off his shirt and talks about Dustin cheating for another hour.
Jenius apologizes to Amber for making her cry. Aw. Take your sunglasses off. You’re inside, dodo. Dirty yells at her and tells her she’s a stupid bitch who only cares about herself. Jen doesn’t understand why he’s so mean. “Because I hate you!” I am liking Dick more and more as time goes on.
Time for the competition! The back yard is decked out for Christmas, fake snow and all. Christmas in July Shuffleboard! I figure Dick will do the best at this one, cuz he’s the oldest and it’s natural to get that skill as you age. Whoever gets their puck thing the furthest from the red line in each round is eliminated and has to pick a present from under the tree. One of the gifts is the Golden Veto. I hope there’s a box of razors somewhere in there that Amber can get a hold of, cuz I’m seriously done with her.
Joe’s cut first, and his present is a slop pass. Jenius is out next. When she opens her box, she giggles and jumps up and down. Dirty snarks “Look! A personality!” LOL. Sorry, Dick. It’s just a unitard, but Jen acts like she just won a day at GlamourShots. The gift has a note that says she’ll have to wear it for a full week, which makes her even happier. She begs everyone not to steal it from her. Who the hell wants that thing? This girl is a gift that just keeps on giving.
Mike is the next one out, and he wins a romantic dinner with any HG he wants. Aw! Zach is one lucky guy. Dirty bones it, and his gift is a plasma TV. Damn. If you’re going home, that’s the way to do it. It’s down to Amber and Daniele, and of course, Amber throws it. Thankfully, she lets Daniele win without crying. Her gift is a pair of handcuffs. She has to choose a HG and stay cuffed to them for twenty for hours. I am incredibly impressed that she didn’t choose Nick. Well, maybe not. You don’t want to have to go number 2 when you’re chained to someone you wanna bone. Sorry to be gross, but it’s true. She chooses Kail, who looks absolutely thrilled.
For the second week in a row, Daniele has the power of veto. Jenius tries to smile, but she can’t. To make herself feel better, she puts on that unitard and traipses all over the place in it, posing whenever possible. She accessorizes with headbands, belts and stilettos and feels herself up constantly like she never realized she had a huge rack before she put on that outfit. Dick may say he hates Jen, but he’s licking his chops at her like an old perv at a merry go round. Gross.
Eric couldn’t get the cuddle prize, so he’s gonna go for the get Jess up for nomination prize instead. He goes outside and lies down in the hammock with Jen and tries to not subtly at all hint that Jessica should go. Jenius swats him down. Jessica’s harmless. Ouch. He tries again, and she rolls her eyes and says no. He tries again and she gets up so fast the hammock overturns and drops him on his ass. LOL, Jenius! Never change!
One by one, the HGs try to convince Jen to put Joe on the chopping block, and she gets so sick of being bossed around that she leaves the HOH suite. Downstairs, Nick is flexing his huge arms and staring at himself and Daniele tells him to stop it. He says he isn’t looking at himself! He can’t take his head off his shoulders and turn it back around to stare, and she says if he could, he would. He nods. “I would”. Ha. I would too if I were you. And then I’d make a trip to Fantastic Sam’s.
Jen walks in and catches them hanging out. No one says anything. They just stare at each other. Jenius is giving pouty/pissy face, but it’s harder than usual to take her seriously with her camel toe blowing in the breeze like that. She marches back upstairs to the HOH suite and announces that she’s putting Nick up. Everyone tries to talk her out of it, but she waves them off like pesky flies. She doesn’t like Nick, and he’s out. No one even tries to hide the disgust on their faces. I must say, Jen’s immature stupidity is actually pretty smart. The people who hate her the most are all in a weakened position if she goes through with it. Daniele may have the veto, but she’s going to lose one of her biggest allies no matter how the vote turns out.
Please don’t do this to me.
Veto time. Daniele gives Dirty Dick a chance to say why he should stay in the house, and he says not to use the veto on him. No, do!! Oh, Dick. At least fake being a good father for once and tell her to use it on herself. You raised her to do it, for chrissakes. She gets all teary and says this is such a hard decision because of what she’s been through with her dad and no one understands them and blahblahblah, and she thanks Jen for tearing her down, because it made her stronger. She’s using it for herself. Atta girl.
Jen says “nice speech” and actually means it. She sees a nice side of Daniele that she never saw before. ?? She basically just called you a bitch, Jenius. She surprises everyone and nominates Joe. Owie. Remember what I said about Jen being smarter than you thought? My bad.
So who’s gone? My guess is Joe’s outta there. He’s loud, he’s untrustworthy, and it would be nice to have a day at the pool without having to see him in a Speedo. See you Thursday!
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit