Recap: Big Brother: Dolphin Crash

Previously on Big Brother, Amber left the house early to concentrate on a career in print modeling.

Fiesta Used Cars loves you soooooo much!!

With Amber finally out of the house, Dick has instantaneously transformed into a sweet, charming, prince of a man. He tells us that he wishes Amber and her child the best and hopes that she continues to spread her helpful doses of sincere Christianity around the country and grows into a full fledged role model for women everywhere…er, I mean, he calls her a stupid self-righteous bitch. But I’m sure he meant well.

The only one upset over Amber’s departure is, predictably, Jameka. She’s sobbing. I’m sure that her tears have everything to do with sympathy for her friend and is not related at all to being completely, one hundred percent, SCREWED.

When we left off Thursday night, Zach, the Dicks, and America’s Eyebrows were just beginning their butter slip n’ slide relay race to fill ginormous “pots” using tiny cups of “tea”. Dick knows that he doesn’t have much of a chance, what with his scrawny, flabby, chainsmoking, brittle crack daddy frame, but he’s pretty confident that his alliance will pull off a win. After all, it’s three to one, and Zach’s never showed aptitude for, well, anything.

Dick isn’t doing great, but compared to Eric he’s Oksana Baiul. Jessica is pretty amused by her boy toy’s clumsiness and rolls her eyes and giggles with Jameka like “isn’t he cuuuute?” as he falls on his ass every two seconds. Jameka, still wearing the huge flower on her head, shakes her head. That Eric is one Strange Fruit. For those of you wondering how this twitchy geek with a Caesar complex landed the cute sorority girl, check out this picture a couple friends sent me a while back:

I’ll give you a hint. It’s not the nipple rings.

Almost two hours into the competition, no one’s pot is even at the half-way mark. A small vase is placed next to the pots and the players are told that the first one to fill the vase before the competition is over will win a phone call from home. Daniele considers going for it, but then realizes it’s a dumb move. It’s not like Nick has anything to say to her that can’t be said with glitter and unicorn stickers in the next card he makes her if she wins HOH.

Eric, who knows he’s getting whooped, decides he might as well play for the call. Being the only one going for it, he wins. Jess gives a bored, half-ass yay and Jameka starts a loop of encouraging shout outs to everyone. I have to say I was impressed that Dick didn’t throw his tea cup at her head. I would have. We get it, you’re a good person. Now make yourself useful and give us a song, Miss Holiday.

God bless the child that’s got his own!

Two more cups are placed next to each players pot, and for each one used, the entire house will lose a day of hot water. They all take both the cups, giving up eight days of warm showers for everyone. Jess pouts. How is she supposed to take a relaxing bath after a long strenuous night of laughing at her spazzy bf? Jameka takes this as her cue to up the pep talk rhetoric. “Who wants it the most!?!” Surprisingly, this works on Dick, who picks up his speed and yells “I want my letter from that chick who was on Rockstar Supernova!” Aw, Meka! You helped Dick! Good move! Dick winning the HOH would totally be the best thing for you. (sad horns.)

Jess and Jameka clap and shout that it’s anyone’s game, but it’s clear that this one is Zach’s to lose. He has opted to use two cups instead of three and he’s confident that he can make up for the missing cup with balance and speed, because, as he so humbly puts it, “I’m Zach!” LOL. Am I the only one starting to root for this douche?

It looks like Zach’s plan is working, which worries Dick. You see, an hour before the competition…

Drumsticks! Synthesized rock guitars! Zach brings a plate of food into Dick’s room so he can watch him spit, burp and fart during his dinner. Dick says he’s pissed and wants Zach to go for telling Eric that his goal was to backdoor Dicklet the second he got the chance. Zach’s all, duh. Of course he said that. He’s trying to win. This pisses Dick off even more. You can tell cuz the guitars are all “dun-uh! Dun-uh!”

He gets his finger in Zach’s face and calls him a liar and a backstabber. Zach just calmly watches him and eats his sandwich. He says he’s never lied to Dick and he’s had his back the whole game. Woah, those guitars are really blaring now. Dick screams about him accusing the Dicklets of having thirty three percent of the power, and Zach’s like “uh…you do.” Duh again.

Dick doesn’t like it when he throws a fit and doesn’t get a reaction, so he blurts out a string of cocksucker dumbass shithead loser piece of garbage lying sack of shits and kicks the unfazed Zach out of the room. Drumroll guitar lick spit burp fart.

Zach’s reaction to the bile never got more heated than “whatever.” HA. He either just took a page from the book of Jenius by not letting Dick get a rise out of him, or he’s just as desensitized to and bored with the old codger’s ranting and raving as I am. You can’t really top threatening to brutally ass rape a girl and then crush her throat. Learn some new tricks, old dog.

The Boy Who Cried Cocksucker Dumbass Shithead Loser Piece of Garbage Lying Sack of Shit

The preceding flashback inspired Dick to slide faster and harder, and he has almost caught up to Zach, who is stopping to try and fish the ball out of one of the holes in the top of the pot. That he’s so much of a lug he doesn’t ever quite get it into his head that his fingers and the ball can’t both fit through one of the tiny holes at the same time just makes me root for him more. And he wins!

Eric takes losing very well, claiming he didn’t want to be on the stupid football team with a bunch of meatheaded morons anyway. His mom made him try out. True modern athletes play Halo!

No one is happy with Zach’s win, but he slides down the slip n’ slide on his tummy and celebrates anyway. Dick is kicking himself for getting rid of Amber instead of Zach. That dumb heiffer wouldn’t have had a chance against him in this one! Wait, are you really bragging that you could have beat the slow chunky girl? Wow. You’re more athletic than Amber. Congratulations, Jack LaLanne.

Eric has the choice of using his phone call from home or giving it to someone else. He and Jameka are the only ones who haven’t had any contact from the outside world at all, but he decides a phone call’s the least he could do for Jessica after screwing her over by convincing her, against her better judgment, to stay under the Dick’s thumbs so he could win some money. I really feel for Jess as she accepts the gift like a housewife tearing up over guilt flowers from her husband. OMG he totally loooves me! Sorry, nope. He drunkenly banged a hooker on a business trip and brought home herpes.

Enjoy the carnations, sucka!

Eric tries to act calm and quiet in front of the other HG’s, but those Eyebrows don’t lie. He looks like he’s gonna cry as he tells us how bad he feels for convincing Jess that Zach wasn’t a threat. She tells him it’s ok, but he can’t respond. Aw. That’s sweet. I hope you plan on writing her a fat check when this is all said and done, boner.

The Dick’s convene. Daniele says she isn’t worried at all. Zach’s gonna put up Jess and Jameka. She is convinced that she can grab him by his little knob and get through the week, but Dick isn’t so sure. He brings up Amber again, saying she wouldn’t have a fucking chance in hell of winning that one and they should have kept her instead of Zach. HA. Sorry to tell you this, Dick, but there are are no women left who are physically weaker than you. It’s a fact you’re just gonna have to try and accept. In the meantime, cheer up, mate. Next time you’re on the block, I wouldn’t put it past this show to make the Veto Competition a farting contest just to keep you in the house.

Eric finds Jessica and promises that he’ll do whatever he can to save her. Unless he has a chance to win money by not saving her. He is positive that Zach won’t put up Dick or Daniele, but don’t worry, he assures his squeak toy, it’ll probably be him and Jameka on the block! Jessica mutters that it’s all ok as she stares at the fireplace, where her dead carnations sit in a dusty vase.

Zach invites the HG’s to check out his HOH room, and everyone putters up the stairs like they’re on their way to the meat grinder. Zach is giddy about the pictures of his dogs and his family and doesn’t seem to notice that everyone is extremely depressed by his win. One by one, they yawn, roll their eyes, and excuse themselves, until only Dicklet’s left. She saddles up to him and acts like he’s the most riveting man she’s ever come across.

Great party! What are your dogs’ names?

He brings up her brother right away. He was really mean to Zach and yelled at him and stuff. Daniele’s all “OMG hullo he’s a total jerk! How do you think IIIIIIII feel?” and Zach’s like “no seriously. He’s a total ass munch and he’s mean” and Dani’s all “duh why do you think I didn’t talk to him for so many years? I mean besides cuz I didn’t wanna pay him back the money he loaned me?” Zach gets all quiet and listens to the crickets chirping in his head and Dicklet goes “he thinks he’s like the adult” and Zach’s like “but he’s not” and she’s all “Exact-lay!” She asks him what he’s gonna do and he says that he knows she’s just gonna run and tell her brother everything he says and she’s like “WTF? Uh uh! I haven’t even like talked to him!” and he’s all “Sometimes you gotta think about yourself” and she’s like oh shit. In the diary room, he deadpans “How can you trust a guy named Dick?” to the camera. Please remember that you said that later.

She leaves him alone to play chess with himself, and it’s hard not to get upset about the editors cutting out the entire game so we could see Jess and Eric snuggling in bed. Ugh. This again? Oooh, wait! This one’s juicy! After listing all the things she’s learned from being on Big Brother (homemade tshirts are cool, guys with big ones usually have no coordination, and God sends false visions to people just to fuck with em), she says the biggest lesson she’s learned is to have trust in people. That said, was he responsible for those pesky mystery votes? He doesn’t even hesitate before answering “yes.”

WOAH!! He comes clean about everything, even mustarding Jenius’ clothes. He tells us that he wants to tell her that he’s America’s Player but he’s not allowed, so he makes up reasons for his erratic decision making and Jessica buys every one of them… but wait. Why is he telling her all this now? He explains that she’s most likely out of there Thursday and he needs her vote when he’s in the final two. She coos “Oh Errrriiiiicccc!!!” and they giggle and pull the covers over their heads. Ew. In the diary room, Jess tells us that she’s glad he came clean, but she wonders what else he’s been sneaky about. No, wait. She trusts him. But…no she trusts him. She does!

Must just be an ingrown hair.

Time for Jessica’s call from home! She hopes it’s Carol, but instead she gets her brother who just came back from I Rock. He tells her that “Diva misses you” and that the booya shirt she wore is selling out all over Kansas. I envision a Golden Corral full of those horrible shirts and vow to never, ever go to Kansas. She’s like “Awesome! Tell Carol I’m taking her to the People’s Court if I don’t have a Lincoln waiting for me when I get home!” and he’s all “dumbass, I just got back from war!” and she’s like “TELL HER, I’M SERIOUS!” and then he asks her to hook him up with some tail cuz he just got back from the battlefield and he’s ready to bust a nut. She offers up Jameka and he hangs up on her. Aw, family.

While she’s on the phone, Eric’s getting his next nomination from America. Jameka! Come on, America! Spice it up a little here. You’re just handing him cash now. Eric is ecstatic with this decision and makes his way to the HOH suite to try to sell Zach on it. He does a whole song and dance about what a strong competitor Jameka is and Zach doesn’t bite, noting that Jameka hasn’t done a single thing in the game so far. Eric counters that that’s the reason to get rid of her. She’s dangerous, and she will win hands down if she makes it to the final two. Zach doesn’t agree to anything, but his pea brain latches onto the last thing it hears, so I am pretty sure he’s convinced. He says he is trying to figure out what the right decision for him is. I say team up with Jameka, tying the two person alliances. She can’t play for HOH next week, but if you got rid of one of the Dicklets now, Eric and Jess would jump on your bandwagon to get rid of the other one in a heartbeat next week. Just saying.

Daniele is smart enough to see that this would be his best option, so she gets some private time with her brother to come up with a devious plan. If she could persuade Zach to put up Eric and Jessica, they would look completely blameless next week. Dick agrees with her, but how will she convince Zach? Well, she is wearing the tiniest bikini ever made. Oh, come on! Zach’s not dumb enough to fall for that one! And then we get a shot of him filling his jeans with water and tying them around his neck in the hot tub. Oy. Come on, Zach, I’m really tryin’ here.

Dicklet makes her move. She tells him that Eric and Jessica want him out, and if they’re both still in the house next week the odds won’t be in his favor. He had already taken Eric’s advice to get rid of Jameka! Dammit. Recondition! He isn’t sure at first, but when Daniele says…

…he starts to come around.

Dick joins them on the patio to chain smoke and use the term “thrown under the bus” for the eightieth time today. This is the dumbest term ever. I blame Panhandler Mia from Top Chef 2. The Dicks both promise Zach that if he puts up Jess and Eric, he’s safe if either of them win HOH next week. He looks to the rubber ducky floating in the hot tub but gets no answer. Since “nominate Jess and Eric” is the last piece of information the rotisserie turkey in Zach’s skull processes, my guess is he’ll take the advice. Go ahead! Trust the Dicks! It’s worked out great for everyone else who’s done it!

Jess is pretty sure that she’ll be put up on the block and Dicklet is positive she won’t be. Zach has the chance to really change the game here, and I’m crossing my fingers. He convenes the HG’s and tells them his decision was based on the relationships he’s built so far. Uh-oh. Dick may have screamed and yelled at him and called him every nasty name in the book, but at least he took the time out of his day to acknowledge his existence. Sure enough, the first key he pulls is Dick’s.

ARGH! HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE THESE PEOPLE???? And don’t even try to suggest to me that he’s masterminded a back door bonanza, because you know deep down in your hearts that he really believes everything the Dicklets have promised.

Even this duck is looking at you like you’re a moron.

Dicklet and Eric are both safe, too, leaving Jameka and Jess on the block. He explains to Jameka that she’s up because he hasn’t gotten to know her. Actually you did, remember? You were the first one she copped an attitude with. She’s not surprised by her nomination, nor is she amused. She vows to fight, and doesn’t break down in a sobby prayer babble. You go, Jameka!

Eric knows that he screwed over Jess, and he thinks that she knows it, too. He gets teary eyed in the Diary Room and tells us he’s devastated and then starts counting out the mounds of twenties sitting on the table in front of him. I’m the devastated one. No one has prayed in this episode, and I can’t help but feel a little cold inside. As I press DELETE, I close my eyes and clasp my hands.

Dear God,

Please. PLEASE don’t let the Dicks win.

Love,

Flipit

Oh and PS, Schoonie, I am so jealous that it’s your turn on Tuesday!

Finally, there will be a little class in this dump.