Recap: Big Brother: The Final Good Person Stamp

Previously on Big Brother, HOLY CRAP, DOES CHENBOT HAVE A PENIS?

Very funny, guys! Someone call the parts department and get Zach’s penis off the bot!

It’s not just me, right? There’s camel toe, and then there’s baby foot.

Good lord, woman. Lower that card.

OK, on with the show. Tonight we get a “Special Live Veto”! The season’s almost over and our friendly Bank of America Teller Bot gets right down to brass taxes. It’s the Dicks VS the floaters, evil vs plain ignant, and for six dollars extra with new accounts you’ll receive checks with bunnies on them!

Flashback to Zach’s highlarious nomination speech. He hates having to choose between his “two best friends” in the house and Jameka, who, he earnestly claims, has restored his faith “with God”. Yay, Jameka! You caught one! You may not have a shot of Hell in winning this show, but you’ll get like thirty virgins when you land in Heaven. No one seems to really buy Zach’s instant conversion. The Dicks laugh and snicker and Jameka exhales and raises her eyebrows in a decent attempt to hide the “WHAT THE F SHUT IT, BLOCKHEAD!” rant you know is boiling beneath that calm exterior.

Zach goes on to say that Dick’s tactics were disgusting, but they worked and they were incredible. Teamed with the biggest competition winner in the house, the Donato family is unbeatable, and it’s just not fair. The Dicks giggle and snicker “nanny nanny boo boo, your mommy smells like doo doo!” and do a pinky shake. Zach continues on like a bad imitation of Jimmy Stewart letting Mr. Potter have it. He says “No one’s had the stones to try and muscle you out, but I’m the muscle and I’m gonna try to muscle you out.” Dicklet laughs so hard she coughs up a chunk of a half digested Twizzler.

Alone in the kitchen, the Dicks talk about what a stupid speech Zach gave. They’ve been the most targeted players in the house and they have gotten to the end against all odds! Zach comes in to get a drink and Dick starts with the sniping “liar cheat pathetic disgusting weak hated loooooza” while Dicklet sits on her perch and watches gleefully. Zach is as bored with this pair as I am. He shrugs Dick off and saunters into Jameka’s room, but all she has to say is “thank you, very much.” What’d you expect, a coffee klatch? He has to walk back through the kitchen on his way upstairs to putter around the HOH suite mumbling the hours away. The second he crosses into the room, Dick is on him again with the taunting. The guy’s consistent as hell. Zach nods and smiles as he passes and condescendingly calls Dick the “mastermind of season 8″. Dick snaps back “we’ll see who’s in the final three, bitch.” With a go-getter attitude like that, how can he fail?

And now it’s time, finally, to check in on the jury house! It’s a beautiful mansion, and the first one to arrive to dirty the pool slide is Dustin. It’s inspiring to see that your eviction hasn’t made you feel insecure, babe.

Oh, darn! You were outside when International Male called! Better luck next time!

Jenius is next to arrive, and when she catches the sight of Dustin posing with his cosmo, she giggles and calls him a silly nellie. He nominated her and she evicted him, so it could get pretty awkward…NAH! Before you know it, they’re bumping butts and rolling balls around on the pool table. Amber’s up next, and she…cries. She makes a toast and says she hopes a bad person comes through the door next. Does Jess fit that description? Amber’s not sure. Jess was the one that got her and Dustin out, but she stamps her with “good person” and welcomes her into the house. There’s only one “good person” stamp left, and that’s for Jameka, so when Eric enters the kitchen, Amber just grabs a Sharpie and writes “dirty greedy Jew” on his forehead and calls it a day.

Eric’s brought along a DVD of clips to show all the loozas what they’ve been missing. I hope it’s ten minutes of Dick sitting on the back porch alone chain smoking, spitting and farting. Nope. We’re the only ones who have to suffer that fate. Instead, the evictees watch a documentary film called “HAHA, Suckas!”, about a fa(bro)ther and his spawn slaughtering an entire village of idiots. An unspoken group air finger is pointing at Eric, but he’s still not allowed to tell anyone he was working for America Ferrara the whole time. His eyebrows form eighteen different nervous/sad shapes in two seconds and it’s some of the most riveting television ever taped.

Back at the HOH suite, Jameka is preparing for the POV with Zach by quizzing him on important BB trivia. How many times did Amber swear on her daughter’s life? Five! When did Dicklet peel off her first scab on camera? Day 8! How many gallons does it take to fill the teacup in the back yard? That one stumps him real good.

Without an other to hurl insults at, the Dicks are left stewing in the kitchen. Dick paces back and forth and mumbles about not being scared but if they can’t beat those two morons they deserve to go home but they won’t cuz he’s not afraid dammit! Geeze. Give this man his nicotine, he’s gonna blow! He leans into Daniele and gives her the soccer coach speech. Focus up, squirt! You’re a champ! Pull me through to the end! One more win! One more win! No pressure though. She rolls her eyes and counts the days til she can stop pretending he exists.

Jameka, all quizzed out, tells Zach it’s time to pray. He looks at her like “oh, shit” but as organ music starts to play, Zach gives it the old college try. He asks God to help them to perform in their best ability and finally defeat “E-v-e-l”…he looks up but neither Jameka or God are laughing, so he stops chuckling, throws in a “maybe if you want I could win yay God” and passes the prayer stick. Jameka squeezes him and Amens like she wasn’t practicing her sermon the whole time he was tap dancing. The organs pick up the pace as she rocks the house with poetry and soul.

“Dear Heavenly Father, send your angels amongst us oh God, let them fight on our behalves, oh God, let this be the day, Lord, for vengeance oh God, please strengthen us God, give us everything we need to protect us love on us, oh Lord.” She finishes, drops the mic on the ground and slaps Zach on the forehead. Healed!

Hehe. Do that again.

The Veto competition is a doozy. The HG’s have to place the faces of the evictees in between two clues and spin a wheel and the numbers have to match the…wait. The faces have to…Jameka and Zach have the same reaction I do. HUH? For the one running a quiz earlier, Jameka doesn’t seem to have retained much knowledge about game statistics. She’s floundering. Zach isn’t doing much better. This isn’t surprising, but it’s still hard to see what’s going on because have my face in my hands. I was really hoping for something that didn’t require…I dunno. Brain power. Or speed. Or skill of any kind.

Dick and Zach look like they have some fight in them, but their guesses are wrong. Dicklet (shockingly) wins, and she bolts into her fa(bro)ther’s arms and screams like a lobster in a pot. Jameka says bye, cuz she knows she’s out, and she thanks God. Aw. Sorry, Jameka. Love you. The Dicks are jumping and shouting and in your face-ing, and Dick screams that there’s no way Zach will make it to the final two. This is Dani’s fifth veto win. Man. You gotta hand it to her. The bitch can play.

Zach just stands there smiling a goofy smile while Dick rants about what an asshole and a moron he is and wow. This goes on for a solid minute and a half. Dicklet cackles and coos on the sidelines the whole time. Poor Nick has a tough road to hoe. Zach reminds Dick that the only reason he was there was because his spawn carried him and he better get on the treadmill, cuz he’ll need it. Zach tells us that he’s not afraid of Dick. He’s bigger than the old coot, he’s smarter, and his mind is like a Samurai sword. Cut to him dopily scarfing down a sandwich. LOL, editors.

Jameka goes straight to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of wine. Atta girl. Dick and Dani hug and kiss as Dick shouts a loop of “GAME OVER!!” Dicklet tells us that this is a game of determination, and there’s no way a wuss like Zach can get rid of her so easily. Dick reminds us that it’s “the season of the Donatos!” and I almost turn off the TV before the Chenbot greets us with an offer for a high interest savings account. She congratulates Dicklet for tying with Janelle for most veto wins in one season and then addresses Dick. This is the first time he’s dressed up! He got his hair did all cute like, emptied a bottle of MAC on his brittle face, and he’s wearing white socks and shorts that accentuate his meaty calves. I can’t wait to see Dicklet’s wedding pictures. The bot asks Dick why he’s just so damned awesome and he answers smug gross nasty sniveling smug smug. Then he leans back smugly showing off his underarm skin.

Ernest Goes to Hell

The bot asks Jameka how she feels about turning Zach to God and she says “don’t blame me.” Zach has always believed in God, but he was mislead and Jameka showed him the way. Dick rolls his eyes and tries to wipe some of the mascara goop out of his tear duct. Seriously, could you be wearing any more makeup?

So, Dani, what are you gonna do with that veto? Dicklet tells the bot that her fa(bro)ther used the Veto on her, and since it will cost her absolutely nothing to return the favor, she’ll do it gladly. Besides, it’s symbolic that Dick’s doing her dirty work for her one last time. Aw.

Jameka looks happier than ever in her speech and thanks Dick for being such an inspiration for seventy some odd days. He’s like, you’re the best and she’s like you are! Then Dani stands up and says that the plea for mercy speech is one she’s not used to giving. UGH. She bounces up and down and giggles as she pretend-threatens to not talk to Dick for another couple of years if he evicts her! Teeheehee. Now’s your chance to be a hero, Dick. Ah, but alas, he doesn’t do it. The only way he’s getting the money that little bitch owes him is if she wins it. Dicklet’s safe!

On her way out the door, Jameka thanks everyone profusely. The exits have been so polite this season. At this point, the Dicks act like a dinner party’s ending at their house every week. Thanks for bringing the bread pudding, hon! It was great to have you over! Next time, we’ll play Scrabble!

The bot asks Jameka if she sees her new friendship with Zach blossoming outside of the house and Jameka sweetly says that she won’t give him her number, but she’ll forward him inspirational chain emails occasionally. Dick attacked her religion! How did that make her feel? She understands that it was his strategy and it was no big deal. It just cut a deep wound to the bottom of her soul. No worries! Ooook. ChenChen reads back her “I’ve never seen a white person” quote and asks how she feels about caucasians now. Jameka shrewdly side steps the question and thanks the camera men for everything they’ve done for her. It seems like a subtle answer, but in Jameka speak the subject change was a solid “white people are wack, and I’m never going back.” And who can blame her?

In the goodbye videos, Daniele phones in another phony “vote for Dicklet” speech and says she’s reeeeally sorry. Jameka claps and giggles like she hasn’t seen Dani in ages and she’s touched by the surprise. Dick reminisces about the time he called her a lying hypocrite faker and she told him he couldn’t even raise his own kid and his momma was a bitch. What beautiful times we had, but buh-bye. Zach’s just glad he finally got to give Jameka a fighting chance in the game because he’s a good person so please vote for him cuz yay God and I was nice one time at the last second. Final three=class.

The bot has a special surprise for Jameka before she goes! A visit via satellite from her adorable pet tree frog, Daisy. Jameka cries and cries and I tear up a little, too. This show’s all heart, I tell ya.

Mama’ll be home soon, sweetie!

Once Jameka has had a chance to thank the Kraft service people one by one, the final HOH competition is explained. Whoever wins this one will be guaranteed a spot in the final two and will get to choose who sits next to her. There will be three long rounds to this competition, the first being a stamina test. Whoever can balance on a round platform, hold on to a key dangling above them, and jump over a bar that circles under their feet without falling or letting go of the key, wins. Every time the bar comes at either of the Dick’s shins, I start to root, but then I lose faith and put another peanut butter cracker in my mouth. This one’s gonna take awhile.

During the commercial break, a movie trailer comes on featuring Jessica Alba falling flat on her ass and I watch and re-watch it for twenty minutes. It’s times like this that you have to concentrate on the happy things in life.

You’re welcome.