TONIGHT! ON BIG BROTHER 8…!!
The Chenbot is in her biggest neckpiece yet for tonight’s finale. It looks like someone shot bullets made out of New Mexico at her and they melted on her teflon chest.
Unstoppable. Can’t kill this bot with tacky jewelry.
There’s a crowd on the front porch, and they all wanna piece of the bot. She tries to innocently collect DNA samples from each audience member through the spikes under her wrists, but the turquoise disks are on big chains, and everyone in a five foot radius is ducking for their lives as New Mexican boulder jewelry comes swinging at them.
Ow! My head!
Cut to announcer guy quick, before there’s tape of the wacky bot maiming someone. Previously, on Big Brother 8: fourteen people arrived at the Big Brother House. Most were strangers, but some had a dark, shady past. There was the spunky kid and her skanky deadbeat dad who left her to be raised by his mom, the horrible gay dude who gave the (seemingly) sweet gay dude gonorrhea, and the beautiful vixen who committed the biggest crime of all against one of her fellow contestants. She borrowed five dollars in junior high and didn’t pay it back. Why she was on Big Brother and not in jail is beyond me. Damn prison overcrowding!
The vixen and the horrible gay dude with gono were the first to be sent packing. Him cuz everyone secretly believes that you can catch an STD off a toilet seat, and her cuz even though her crime seems small, we all know someone who hasn’t paid us back five dollars, and we know they suck. They’re the same people who let their dogs poop on your lawn and don’t pick it up and the people who take thirty minutes deciding what they want off the Starbucks menu. As Jameka once wisely said, “Crap is crap.” Amen and good riddance.
Of course at the time, Jameka was referring to the father and daughter pairing of Dick and Daniele Donato, who were the only remaining “enemies”. On the other side of the house, Kail, the Leona Helmsley of Rainbow, Oregon, tried to get slick and form an alliance with three boys. But just like Mrs. Robinson before her, Kail was dumped for a younger, cuter girl and two of her Dustin Hoffmans were the next to get the boot, followed by Fail herself. The only one who stayed was Zach, a big oaf who stared off into space a lot and disgusted his roomies with mindless confessions of secretly wanting to own midgets and endless stories about him and his friends laughing as they watched upside down women getting publicly flogged. Zach didn’t care about making friends or enemies. He was there to promote his own empire: a company with no website that sells beach wear for the classiest and most discriminating customers.
Get a Myspace page, a Cafe Press account, and a ho, and you’ve got yourself a small business!
Over the weeks, the Donatos got closer and closer and Daniele dropped the sweet kid facade and showed more and more of her fa(bro)ther’s personality in her own, eventually evolving into a little Dicklet and cementing The Dicks Alliance. Since the only thing really bonding everyone else in the house together was the fact that none of them was a Dick, the rag tag group of Not Dicks titled themselves the Late Night Crew. Cuz they stayed up late. Unfortunately, they didn’t know that the twitchy guy among them was working for America Ferrara, who ordered him to turn on the Alliance of the Late Night Not Dick Crew and get rid of their queen.
Back to what you do best.
The next of the Not Dicks to go were Vanna White’s ridonkulously ditzy nanny and the crack head single mom who spent her time crying, eating, and talking shit about Jewish people, putting the Dicks firmly in control of the game. They turned on their alliance with America Ferrara’s Player and his squeaky sorority girl showmance, leaving them in the final four with the oaf and the lady that openly sexually harassed God in her fervent prayer sessions. Dicklet, unstoppable, won her fifth veto of the season and sent Jameka to her fate of sobby Amber hugs at the Jury House. She was easy to get rid of, but the oaf put up a fight. He took down Dick in the first round of the final challenge, but eventually lost against him in the third round, leaving us where we are today. Welcome to the Battle of the Roots.
The Jury House is waiting for the final evictee to show up, and everyone hopes it’s either of the Dicks that walks in that door. Jenius wishes for Dick, because he’s the most horrible disgusting nasty bony shithead lying sack of…woops. Sorry. It’s the oaf. Everyone groans. Partly cuz the Dicks won, and partly cuz they have to hug Zach. Everyone’s like, eeew we have to vote for a Dick. Eric’s eyebrows tell Zach that he would have won with a 6 to 1 vote if he had made it to the final two, but we all know that’s bs, because Eric would have led the sheep to whatever pasture America told him to, and it’s pretty clear who she wanted to win this whole time. Shockingly, Eric’s last assignment is to make sure Dick wins. Let the herding begin.
Zach says that there’s no way they can give that much money to Dick after being such an abusive ass, and everyone mutters in agreement. Dustin wants to send America the right message, that it’s not okay to be a horrible person. Wait til he hears the message America sent him.
Eric pulls out the old “it was just a strategy!” song and dance, but Jenius isn’t buying it. She says she warned everyone from the beginning that those two were evil and no one believed her, and she’s not going to vote to give Dick half a million dollars. Amber gets all ghetto on her and says that Jen made an an alliance with Dick and now she sounds like a hypocrite because she won’t give him money. Man, I’ve missed the nonsensical Amber arguments. Jenius says she only made a truce with Dick so he’d stop threatening to ass rape her corpse, but Amber’s hand is waving and her head is rolling in that “I have a black friend, watch out” kind of way she does whenever Jameka’s around. Now would be the time to punch this girl in the face, Meka.
Eric’s eyebrows are all woah woah woah. We’re getting off topic here. Dick’s awesome yay Dick. As he rallies around the devil, Jessica gets that telenovela look on her face I’ve grown to love.
Â¿QuiÃ©n es este hombre al lado de mi lado? Â¿Ã‰l me ha traicionado?
Â¡Encontrar la verdad, y conseguirÃ© mi venganza! ConseguirÃ© mi
Jenius isn’t biting. She states her case as clearly as she can: “Daniele should win because Dick’s an asshole.” LOL. Love love love her. Dustin baaaas and tells her that she needs to look past her shallow likes and dislikes and see that Dick played well. Zach reminds them all that Dicklet tied Janelle with the most veto wins in a season, and Amber says that Dick played for two people instead of one and he got both of them to the end. “It’s just fuckin awesome.” OMG this girl is so wack. She’s still pissed that Nick chose Dicklet over her and it’s so obvious that I cringe for her.
Please expand that blur to cover the rest of your stupid face. You’re embarrassing white trash crack heads everywhere.
Jessica has decided to go with her man on this one (again) and says that Dicklet was just as bad as her fa(bro)ther, she was just quieter about it. Rumble rumble baaaaah. Jameka finally puts it in perspective. Dani’s the pimp and Dick’s the ho. She orchestrates a plan to get the money and he works his nasty magic and brings it home. I can’t tell what side Jameka’s on, but I think pimps are worse than hos. Oh, Jameka. Not you too. Baah.
Dustin is acting as the Jury Foreman, and I’m thankful to him for not wearing his queen robe. He congratulates the Dicks for getting what they wanted. They’re like, duh sore loser. He asks Dick how he feels about his spawn saying that she hopes she’s in the final two against him because he is so hated that she’d be guaranteed a win. You had the longest amount of time to come up with a question, and that’s the one you ask? Dick’s the most hated on purpose, ass. He says that he and Dicklet are the best team ever because they are the first team that made it to the final two. Dustin’s like “okey dokey then, humble.”
Amber directs her question at Dicklet, who fakely and insipidly coos “Hey, girl!” So. Gross. Speaking of, Dani looks like she has put makeup on her roots. We know they’re there. The producers will buy crayons and cigarettes but not a box of Clairol? Amber ups the white trash ante and asks Daniele why “you should have your vote” after how she betrayed her homely boyfriend with Nick on national television. She adds “you’re a disgusting person for what you did, and my friend said I could be a model.” And Dicklet’s all “you’re friend lied to you and my personal life is none of your business.” Snap. Amber actually gulps. Hilarious.
Oh. Never mind.
Jessica’s turn. “Hi guys! It’ss Jessicaaa!” They kinda laugh as they say hi back, like they’re being interviewed by InStyle. Jess asks if Dick could be sitting next to anyone besides Dicklet in the final two, who would it be? Correct answer: Jessica! Wrong answer: No one. I was totally confident we had you fools smoked the entire Summer. Guess which one he used. He says he always knew it would be his daught(sist)er with him at the end, and he’s telling the honest to God truth, as always. Jess is all nuh-uh! You said I was gonna stay and you lied but you both suck so this is really tough. She says it all very sweetly, and Dick, for the first time ever, is stunned into silence. Who’s the real winner here?
Eric’s up next, and wow. This guy works hard for his money. He asks Dick, after being an equal opportunity slanderer, to give each HG a reason they should have been in the final two. Slick! You’ve totally opened the door for him to be a gentleman and redeem himself before the vote! Dick’s answer is: Dustin sucks, Jen’s a whore, Amber’s a hypocritical liar, Jess was smart for like a second and then lost it, Jameka should be thankful the Dicks brought her as far as they did, and Zach got close, but he’s big and dumb and has a midget fetish, so gross. Oh, and Eric’s the best player in the game besides him and Dicklet. Eric’s reaction makes me scrunch my face and press pause. OF COURSE HE LIKED YOUR GAME! You and that Ferarra slut handed him a win, you IDIOT. Wipe that grin off your face! I’ve got to take a break before before I drive to Burbank and smack some bitches up.
Zach greets the Dicks with a big goofy grin. “Hey guys! It’s your neighborhood roguer!” I seriously thought this whole time that nickname was ogre. Ya learn something new every day. He asks them both to name one thing they learned from the HG’s. Dicklet giggles and chirps that Eric’s funny, Jessica’s cute and sweet, and Amber was the mom of the house. The only one who buys into her bs is Eric, who is still on cloud nine that Dick said he was the bestest. Amber rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Notice she hasn’t tugged on that necklace once. Mommy’s not trying to talk God into believing that she’s a good enough person to win anymore, honey. She’s back to ignoring your ass.
Dick answers that he learned not to be an overconfident jackass from Dustin. Really? Cuz you’re totally being an overconfident jackass. Jenius taught him that no matter how vacant a person can seem, there’s a real person waaay deep down but it’s hard to find. It took a lot of verbal assault to get to her screaming crying center, but you did it, Dick. Congrats. He literally strokes his goatee evilly as he talks. He likes Jameka and Zach, and Zach beams and hold hands with Eric.
OMG HE LOVES US!
Jameka wants to know what moves Dicklet made, other than riding Dick’s coattails, that got her to the final two. You mean besides winning FIVE VETOS? I like you, Meka, but duh. Dani says it’s really haaaard for her cuz everyone sees her and her fa(bro)ther as one persoooon! She says that putting Eric up in the beginning was her plan as was backdooring Jenius. Jen’s like hullooooo I can hear you, rude! She tells them that obviously she has no respect for them as people “in the real world”, but out of the kindness of her heart she’ll ask a question that will give Dick yet another chance to showcase his sensitive side. “Are you closer to your brat now?” He says he’s shocked that she would ask such a thoughtful question and then gets in the Old Washed Up Backstreet Boy pose he’s practiced all Summer and recites the lyrics to “Shape of My Heart” while Dicklet smiles awkwardly.
Closing arguments. Daniele says that she doesn’t have a regular father/daughter relationship with Dick and she made the best of it. She’s proud to be next to him at the end. He looks hurt by her “made the best of it” answer, and in his closer he says that it was his idea to align with Eric and Jessica and he feels bad about betraying them but he was left to do all the dirty work. Dani looks like she wants to squeal and whine, but she keeps it in. Dick goes on to say that he did it all for his Dicklet and just by being there together, they won. He gives the peace sign to the cameras and the editors actually instert sentimental tinkles. Jesus. For once, Dicklet and I are on the same page.
I. Am so. Sure.
The second the feed to the Jury House is turned off, Dani whines and squeals. There’s Dicklet! They agreed they wouldn’t campaign against each other and he performed a ballad. So not faaaaaair! WAAAAHHHH. He goes outside to chain smoke and spit. Just one more thing the little shit’s on his ass about. This is so like when you can’t get the balls to break up with someone so you stage a big fight to ensure that it’ll just be over clean and quick and you won’t be expected to give them money.
The bot brings the Jury Members out onto the porch to meet the studio audience. Dustin, button your shirt already. Jenius doesn’t look fat at all (ERIC!), but wow. Amber looks one of those women on Big Love who lives on a compound and pops out babies like a machine for old dudes in cowboy hats. She makes a praying motion at the audience. Faux praying has become her “Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Willis?”
I’m sorry to tell you this, but your sister wives have voted you off the compound.
The HG to get the most love from the audience is Zach. I had to rewind to confirm that, but it’s true. Eric is the first to vote. We know how that went. Jameka says that her vote is possibly going to someone who’s game she could respect. Whatever that means. Dustin says that someone in the house once told him that actions speak louder than words, so he’s voting based on strategy and not words. Great. So you’re voting for Dick and giving Joe a shout out? Why do you insist on making me HATE you?
Jenius says she would rather vote for anyone in the house than either of the two of them but puts her key in a slot anyway. The audience laughs instead of standing and cheering, but whatevs. Zach got to know them both the best. Umkay. That it? Amber says that she is voting on game. Strategic. Purpose. Man, this is not the season of oratory skills. Jessica says that she’s basing her vote on who she “enjoyed more in the house. May the best Donato win!” Sorry, Vincent’s not up for the prize. Re-vote.
Janelle is in the audience, and she’s brought a sign that makes me re-consider everything I ever thought I knew. I tried to black out the episode where she flirted with Dick, but now she’s just crossing the line. That old man fetish is out of control. Janelle, I thought I knew ye.
Well, if you strike out with Dick, there’s always this guy.
Or this one.
I thought that there were no surprises in store tonight, but slap me silly, it’s Mama Dick and Orlando Bloom! Chenbot asks Dick to please take off the wig and get back to the jury house, but after tugging the old woman’s hair, the bot calculates that Mama D is, in fact, not Dick. Coulda happened to anyone.
Dick really does know famous people!
The bot avoids asking Mama Dick how she felt when Jameka said “Yo mama’s a bitch!” Booo. Mama seems sweet (I don’t buy it. Seriously, how could she possibly be?) and Orlando’s just adorable and obviously belongs at home with me and nowhere near this family. Speaking of hot guys who need to stay the hell away from the Donatos, there’s Nick! He’s sitting with the other HG’s in the bottom five, but it’s not til’ he breaks the spell he has over me by flirting with Dicklet that I even notice them. He says that actually talking to Daniele is awkward. No, you sitting there with your arm around Joe is awkward. Please stop it.
The bot asks Carol how she feels about Jessica making it to the end, and she says that she’s proud of Jess for handling herself so well, even though some mean things were said. Chen says “not about you!” Hullo, dumbo(t). Watch your show. Carol rolls her eyes and says “not at all!” Jessica looks like she’s considering feeling bad, but then decides against it. Five dolla. Five dolla. Five dolla. Joe, what do you think of Dustin making it farther than you? Why thanks for askin, Jules! He loved watching Dustin fall apart. Typical. When he adds a congrats in for making it so far and playing so well, the audience “awwws.” I do too, but my tone is way different. The bot gives Dustin a chance to respond, and he gets all icy and says he wishes he could inflict a leaky peepee on Joe all over again. Aw, sweet. Hugs!
And now it’s time to reveal the twist!! The bot tells the Jurors that a deep, dark secret has been lurking underneath the surface all Summer. “One of you has not been playing alone!” You can just see Amber’s brain ticking.
OMG do I have a twin?!?
Eric’s eyebrows recount his shady alliance with America, from the mustarding of Jenius’ shirt to each nomination he made. Joe doesn’t seem to mind that Eric couldn’t stomach cuddling with him even for wads of cash. What does he care? He’s got Nick by his side. Argh. Eric leans in and whispers “we can talk later” to Jess after the video montage. Jessica, are you mad at your man? She says she couldn’t get mad at him when his dick move sent her packing, why would she get mad now that she found out he actually has money? He’s more than just a giggle and a huge penis, now. He’s college.
The bot asks Dick in a roundabout way to say thank you to Eric or America or anyone he’s ever met, but he refuses. He reiterates what an awesome fa(bro)ther he was for putting himself on the line for Daniele and points and winks at the camera. Dicklet was the only one in the house to figure out that Eric was the mustard man and mystery voter, but she’s shocked and amused that he got away with as much as he did. Chen turns to Dustin next. Eric turned the house against you. You’re response? He says that Eric must have had an easy time convincing everyone that he was a super badass player and had to go before he won the whole thing. Sad, delusional little Dustin. Jenius, America hates you, how do you feel? She says at the time she thought “who is this immature? But now I realize. It was America.” LOL AMEN HOLLA!
Eric apologizes to Dustin and Amber for turning on them, but he reminds them that it was ten million Americans who hated them, not him. Feel better? Good. He does a whole song and dance about not faking his loooove for Jess, but when he says “trust me” in that same tone he’s used with every other lie he’s spewed this Summer, she looks a little over it.
Mmm hmmm. So what’s my cut?
Who did America vote for? I think we know…and yup. America loves Dick. The real question is, did any of the sheep stray from the pack? Jameka voted for Dani, and so did Jenius. Dustin, Zach, Jess and Amber all voted for Dick, making him the winna! The audience goes nuts, and I have to give Dicklet credit for not losing her shit and screeching “but you don’t understaaaaand how haaard it was for meeeeee!!!!” What are you gonna buy with all that money, Dick? Duh, drugs and hookers. Dick says he’s gonna take a trip around the world. Let’s hope he runs out of cash somewhere around Turkey. The music plays and the Dicks talk to Chen. Dicklet and I have the same question: “When’s the party?”
So there you have it, another season of Big Brother put to rest! Thanks for having me, gasmii! I have really had a great time making fun of this show with you. Your comments and smart ass observations have made this all worth it. Also thanks to Giffordsaz, Chooch, Tink, Fozzie Bare and all the forum peeps who hilariously recapped After Dark and the Live Feeds. And Schoonie, you are one of the best and I am honored to have had the chance to get to know you better as a person and as a writer. You never turned in one recap that wasn’t hysterical from start to finish. Thanks for letting me ride your coattails to the end of this season. I smell a theme! LOVE
That robot pulled my hair.