Recap: Big Brother: King Dick

Previously on Big Brother, KAIL’S SCREWED.

When Bad Things Happen to Bad People

Thursday, Dick won the HOH challenge after Kail tried to get his grungy ass evicted and failed miserably. Oh, Kail. You made the mistake women half your age make every day. You trusted a hot guy. Two of them (sorry Zack). Mrs. Robinson was probably a good title for that alliance, because at the end of The Graduate, Mrs. Robinson got screwed, too. Bros before hos. Even hos who own multiple businesses.

A victory for skanky dirty deadbeat dads everywhere.

Kail cries to the camera and tells us that she never said anything bad to Dick. Good point there, Mrs. Burns. I’m pretty sure he’ll take that into consideration at nomination time. “Kail, you campaigned to evict me, but you’ve always been nice to my face. Let’s make babies for my mom to raise.”

She confronts Mike about changing his vote without telling her, and he just gives her that hot dumb guy look. Totally slipped his mind. Pushups. Kail tells us that she has a feeling the alliance is over (ya think?) because the men she teamed up with are weak willed. Strong men would have done whatever she’d told them to. I, too, am a fan of that kind of strong man. She’s shifty eyed, shaky and teary, and then she’s nervously laughing in the next shot. Looking pretty desperate there, Fail. Is it totally evil that I’m grinning right now? By nomination time she’s gonna be a twitching, mumbling tard. YAY!!!

Dick invites the HGs into the HOH room, and as I suspected, the pictures on the wall look like they’re freshly printed off America’s Most Wanted website. Of course, there’s also the obligatory pose with Daniele as a little girl from that time he came to pick up his laundry from his mom’s house.

Aw, Daniele. Ya haven’t gained a pound.

He says “See, I used to be handsome! What happened?” My guess is heroin, hepatitis, and general bad grooming. I saw that picture and took six multivitamins. Daniele’s pleased as punch. What kind of dad would nominate his own kid on national TV? Now might be the time to pay him back that money you owe him, string bean. Amber is happy for Dick. Or someone just told her her mom died. I’m not sure.

Kail gets Dick alone for some groveling time. He is hilariously upfront, as usual. When she tells him that she’s been in an alliance with Zach, Mike and Nick, he laughs in her face and asks her where they were earlier. She admits she trusted the wrong people, and he points out that by telling him that she’s betraying her alliance. Snap. Wait. He’s not done. She’s just trying to save her own ass, to trust people that she didn’t even know was stupid, and she’s a weak ass playa. Then he punches her in the face. She wipes her bloody lip and agrees with him. And because she’s such a wuss, she’s no threat so he should get rid of someone else instead of coming after her because of “a personal vendenna.” Wipe English Tutoring Center off her list of possible multiple businesses.

Dick tells us that he was set on nominating Fail and Jenius, but now Zach and Mike are looking pretty good, too. He’s enjoying this, and I’m enjoying him. Kinda. From a distance. And with Lysol at my side.

The next morning, Jenius is back in her normal clothes. Boo! To make it worse, she’s wearing her tired old Jensa Member shirt AGAIN. Damn, girl, you need to visit our store. End of plug. She tells us that she used to wrestle guys in highschool. So that’s what the kids are callin’ it today. America’s Dork is bored, so she offers to wrestle him. Uh…there are two fine men in the house and you’re gonna do ERIC?? I press pause, and while wait for my face to unscrunch, it dawns on me that she must mean wrestle in the literal sense. Unpause. Sure enough, they fight, and I feel much better.

Eric is going at her pretty hard, and it’s kinda uncomfortable watching a guy manhandle a chick like that. Even her. And then we find out why she always won in highschool, and why she has a pretty good chance on this season of BB.

There won’t be any babies with double nipple piercings any time soon.

In the back yard, Amber’s getting some sun and trying to remember the name of that flick “with the fine guy who goes to college”. Okay. Rain Man‘s out. Dick, who’s hung out with anyone who’s ever been in a movie, guesses Van Wilder. Correct! What a skill! Now name the book about the woman who cheated on her husband and had to wear a Scarlet Letter. (sound of crickets)

Nick says that Ryan Reynolds his on his Top 5 guy list. WHAT?!?!??!??!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOOOMMMGGGGGGGG.

Get the hell off my doorstep, Ed McMahon! I gotta get to the BB house, stat!

Dick and Zach start cracking up. What? Doesn’t every guy have a top 5 list of guys they’d do? Uh, every GAY guy does. And you’re number one on mine. Come to daddy. Dick and Zach rib him and he insists that it’s normal. He doesn’t care what they think because he’s comfortable with his sexuality. I’m comfortable with your sexuality too, baby. OK, I’ll stop now. HEART HEART LOVE HEART XOXOXOX. Sorry. Ok, now I’m done. He’s so mine. Done.

Lick goes to tell Daniele before her dad or Zach can. He has a list of famous guys he would date IF he was gay. She starts guessing. Matthew McConaughey? “Number one”. She can’t even get any more guesses in cuz he starts gushing. Hugh Jackman, Brad Pitt…she calls him an idiot and he defends himself. “Have you SEEN Snatch?” Nope. Have you?

He goes on and on about Brad. He’s soooo sexy and smart! He says it’s like he’s talking about himself. LOL. Only the first part. After showing Daniele the pick he has of Brad as the hitch hiker from Thelma and Louise in his wallet, he says that she is every name in his top 5 girls list. Uh…thanks? She tells us that she knows Nick likes her and she likes him back, but she’s in love with her boyfriend back home. Good. I won’t have to cut you.

Daniele gets out of bed in the middle of the night and lies down with Dick on the hammock. She cries and says that she loves her boyfriend and he’s been the only person who’s been there for her for two years. She doesn’t want to betray him, but obviously she has feelings for Lick. Dick says he knows what it’s like hurting people, and she has to do what’s right for herself. Sweet music is playing and the background, and it’s nice to see dad and kid on the swing, but isn’t that advice what left her without a dad growing up? Sorry to be an ass about it, but Jesus, Dick. He says that he’ll be there for her whenever she needs him and he loves her. She goes to bed without answering back.

I’m depressed. Dick cries in private time and then again with everyone’s GBF, Dustin, on the patio. Dustin gives a lot of mamby pamby soothy wah wah love daughter dad love hard boohoo advice and we cut to commercial. I’ve gotta eat. BRB.

Did you know that Baja Fresh has churros now? Delicious.

Woops. Sorry, Jameka.

Poor Jameka is not handling the slop very well. She says she doesn’t know who “goes to the store looking for this particular brand of substance”. LOL, J. She has been one of the quietest players so far, so I hope starvation and food depravation brings out the tigress in her. Her flashes of ‘tude make me smile every time. Amber rubs her back and thankfully doesn’t cry. She saves that for private time. She stares into the camera and chokes back the floodgate as she tells us how hard it was to see Jameka in slop pain. Oh, Amber.

As Jameka struggles to get the slop down, Jenius eats ice cream and watches on like she’s at the zoo. How can you not love this woman? She tells us that since she’s never been on slop she doesn’t have any pity for people who have to eat it every day. She’s not good with empathy. As she watched Jameka, though, she felt something. Not bad, but… something.

Sated?

At dinner, Daniele and Jameka drool and pout while everyone else eats a lot of not slop. Dick says they’re making him feel like he’s eating a burger in front of starving kids in Africa. HA! Jameka gets defensive and reminds the table that “it could be Asia, or America…” and leaves the room. Dick follows her. He wasn’t being racist! She cries and tells him that it’s hard being the only black person and she feels she needs to represent her people. She wasn’t scolding him, she was letting America know that Africa doesn’t only have starving kids. They also have giraffes. And sunsets. And lots of flies.

He tells her he loves her and they make up. He understands that taking the weight of an entire race on your shoulders can be tough. Imagine how he feels! He doesn’t want to make his people look bad, either.

You better represent, Dick!

Time for the Food Competition! There are giant pools of pasta in the backyard with slides dipping into them. The HGs will have to slide in and find rubber balls with the names of food items on them. When they find two matching balls, they put them on the board and win that food for the entire house. I think that was the dumbest paragraph I have ever typed. And that’s saying something.

Sorry, Eric. No more talk of balls.

I watched Thursday night’s episode with a couple of friends who pointed out that Amber has been packing on the pounds in the house. I thought they were being catty bitches, but damn. Amber’s cheering for that pasta like she’s a starving kid in Africa. Woops. I meant Asia.

Get this girl on slop FAST.

The best thing about this dumbass game is that Jessica narrates the whole thing for us in her squeaky Delta Delta Delta voice. When sweetbreads are matched, she says that they won “pretty much every kind of bread that wasn’t normal.” LOL. I wonder how she’s gonna react when she finds out that sweetbreads are baby animal pancreas. I won’t quote everything she says here, cuz it’s only funny coming out of her mouth, but I laughed hard for a solid five minutes. We haven’t seen much of her since whatsherbuns left, so I hope she finds someone to hate on soon.

The HGs win a bunch of junk food along with bananas and cucumbers. Daniele was teamed with Lick, and she says they’re a really good team. “We accomplished soooo much together.” Yeah, you’re a regular Ron and Nancy Regan.

The Health Department’s on it’s way. RUN!

America’s Dork assignment is for Eric to get Jenius up for eviction. Shame on you, America! He thinks this is going to be the easiest task ever, but I’m not so sure. I have a feeling Dick’s got some trackmarks tricks up his sleeve. He tells Eric on the patio that he’s thinking of putting up Kail and Zach, but Eric does a pretty good job of convincing him to put up Kail and Jenius. Dick even thanks him, saying he’s really helped him out a lot in this game. Boooooooooo.

Kail suns with Dustin and asks him every ignorant gay question she can think of. Are Batman and Robin gay? Is Barney? Fred? Bugs Bunny? The Rugrats? Kermit? Instead of punching out her stupid row of front teeth, he brings on the mamby pamby soothing voice and gently explains that cartoons aren’t real, so they inherently don’t bang each other in the corn hole. Ok then, how can you tell if another guy’s gay? Because you have lunch with them and leave with AIDS. Duh, Kail.

Nice try, Mrs. Robinson, but I’m gayer than ever.

When she asks him if he wants a relationship, he says that he was single til he was 21 and then he met Joe Blow, who was his first and only boyfriend. POOR BABY!! He’s never going to love again.

In private time with the cameras, Kail tells us that she is from a really, really, really small town. Shocker. I’d like to know where it is so I can burn it to the ground. That bizarre slurry stop/start accent has to be thwarted before some teenager runs away from home and spreads it across the country. She’s never known a gay man before, and Dustin being a nice person hasn’t changed her beliefs. God made man and woman for a reason, and it doesn’t involve glow sticks or Broadway. Still, she really likes Dustin. He’s so sweet, you forget he’s a dirty sinner on his way to the Inferno. UGH. I’m done with this bitch.

Dick gets Zach up into the HOH suite and asks him how he has any enamel left on his teeth after what looks like obsessive compulsive bleaching. And while he’s at it, why did he try to get Dick evicted? And what’s Dolphin Crash? Zach tells us he ain’t skerd, but he waaaayyyy over plays his hand. He says that Jenius wanted Daniele out, so he told her she had to pit father and daughter against each other. Oh, man. You are not as smart as I gave you credit for.

…and I stole money out of the cash register at work once, and I told a girl I loved her and never called her back, and I love dolphins. There! I said it!

What is it with everyone being so honest with Dick? He is intimidating the crap out of all of em. Zach says he’s sorry and if he wants to put him up, go for it. Dick is cocky, like he’s gonna be HOH forever, and he needs to cut it out. Only one person can leave, dude. Don’t confront every single HG. It’s not enough to just nominate Zach. He wants him to grovel. His ego is gonna kill him in the end.

Lick’s turn. After Dick scratches his scalp for five minutes like a mangy stray, Nick tells him all about the alliance and assures him that he has genuine feelings for Daniele. By the way, has he seen Snatch? Brad pit was so fine in that movie. Does he know Brad? What’s he like?

Dick considers putting Nick up on the block to make Daniele’s life easier. Whatevs, Dirty. He’s probably got ten minutes of tape on why he would nominate each and every HG. The man is loving his moment with the gavel.

America’s Next task for Eric will be to choose someone who’s “property he should covertly target.” You mean steal? Vote for Jameka’s hair extensions, America! That’ll bring her center stage.

In the end, Dick nominated with his ego instead of his brain. He put up Jenius and Kail because the huwt his feewings last week. He could have had Kail in his pocket. He tells her that he is going to do everything in his power to make sure she goes home. She cries in private time and says that her kids would want her to fight and do whatever it takes to keep her out of Oregon for the rest of the Summer.

Jenius doesn’t care. She doesn’t feel like she’s been nominated. “I’m still here, so I don’t feel any different!” Is that statement brilliant or retarded? I can’t even tell anymore.

I’m just honored to be nominated!