Previously on Big Brother, Mike was evicted for being a dumbass, Kail was saved by the hairs on her chinny chin chin, and Dustin won the HOH. Will he be a kind ruler, or an evil dick? Will he stop acting like a stereotype and get his paws off the drama queen? Will he ever change his shirt? I’ll give you a hint. The answer to all the above questions is NO. Boooooo!!
Yeah, no shit, Amber.
Mike’s a goner, which means Fail’s safe! She puts on her “gee golly I’m just a sweet soccer mom who employs lots of (ten) people” act and kinda cries to the cameras like she just saw a lame man walk. “Prayer does work!” Yeah? Tell that to these people.
God must be home watching Big Brother and letting tragedies like this one slide. Damn you, CBS!
Point is, I don’t blame God for your ignant ass being on my TV and you shouldn’t give him credit, either. God’s busy, bitch. I blame the devil for this. (sad horns) One big dumb hottish guy down. What’s the point of working out and eating healthy if you just lose anyway? And that brings us to my excuse to not stick to my diet tonight. Or forever. And ever. Amen. BB is totally getting me right with the man upstairs, y’all.
Dick immediately attacks Jenius once Mike’s out the door. He accuses her of being the second vote against Kail, which of course we know is WRONG, but the man is convinced, and as usual, he’s a cock face about it. Jen just “whatever”s him over and over again. She should be a lawyer. Objection sustained! “Whatever!” Kail seems to think Jenius was the second vote too, cuz she hugs her in that intense born-again hate the sin not the sinner kind of a way. Seriously. You’re hurting my neck.
Dick, still addressing the cameras like he’s the President of the whole world, asks “Who else would vote for Kail? You, bitch!” Ah, this feels good, cuz you know he’s gonna be forced to apologize for that later. If Dick got over his widdle huwt feewings from Jen deeming him a disgusting skeezy old perv in the butter challenge and thought without his huge, diseased ego for a second, he would realize that Jenius may be a lot of things, but she is not a liar. Then he could try and find out who’s playing both sides of the fence and start telling everyone off. Again.
Nick and Amber believe Jen, and they are left scratching their heads. Well, Amber is. Nick can’t get to his scalp because his head got grazed by a stray gang bullet during the HOH Challenge and he had to wrap it in Crip colors and wear a sideways cap to keep the blood from washing down his big dumb face. UGH. During voting we got the busboy at a disco look and now this:
Amber leaves her conversation with Nick convinced that he was the second vote, and she tells Jameka, Dustin and Jessica so. Why else would he have come right up to her and asked who the second voter could have been? Uh, cuz he trusts ya and wants to gossip? Or maybe he wanted to make you squirm and cry. Either way, what’s so crazy about him asking that? I have to note that Jessica looks like she’s going for her second interview luncheon for the Junior League. I’m impressed that anyone got the curling iron out of Kail’s hands for five seconds. Well done, Jess!
I hereby vow to promote voluntarism, develop the potential of women, and improve the community through effective action and leadership!
Moving on, Amber has pretty much convinced everyone of Nick’s guilt when Daniele joins them on the bed. Why would Nick side with Zach when he’s not helping his game? Amber answers that he’s playing both sides, but Daniele isn’t so sure. Jameka notes that Daniele is in a relationship that might be blinding her and Daniele squeaks defensively like she did last week when she argued with Dick. “Oh my God! How could you think that?” Uh…puppy dog eyes, slurping sounds in the dark, you hardly eat anything…wait. Not that last one. You ate a chip a couple days ago. My bad.
Dustin tells us that Nick has a target on his back because of all his fence jumping and work-outiness. He’s the only guy left that’s cuter than him and he must be stopped! I’m only kind of kidding. Why was Dustin so bitter about Mike? In his farewell message to him, Dustin got all bitchy and said “Mike, I’m sorry, but you’ve been in this house for three weeks and all I know about you is,” he raised his hand and did a Prissy Four Finger count down, “you’re from Wisconsin, you’re a model, you like planes, and you eat a lot of meat.” Snap. Well what do we know about you? You hug Amber all day and night and you gave Joe an STD. That’s way better.
In his voting video, Dustin complained that all Mike does is work out and eat, and now he’s after the other Creatine Cutie. Bitter much? We already know Amber’s gunning for Nick because he didn’t let her get kinky with him, don’t you start with the babyish jealousy, too, Handlebars.
Jenius makes the mistake of passing Dick in the kitchen. He rags on her more and she asks why she would vote against Kail when she knew that everyone else was voting against Mike? This sends Dick into a tizzy. Who the hell told her what his evil plan was? Again, Jenius has deflected negative attention from herself. Dick marches into the same room that Amber is still lying around in (seriously, Amber. Do some laps around the yard or something) and demands to know who told Jen what they were planning. He is convinced it was Nick, which just fuels the fire for Amber to roast more marshmallows on. Daniele is in the room, too, and Dick and Amber ignore her “hey! Wait!”s.
Oh, Dick. Nick would be on your side for a few weeks more to appease Daniele. You’re gunning for someone you firmly have on your side and breaking up a pretty solid three person alliance, all because you believe he was nice to the girl who called you nasty. He has decided Nick should go, and he talks to the camera like it will happen because he wants it to. Shut up, Dick. You’re making a boner move. In keeping with the tradition of HG’s wearing shirts that express their stupidity, he’s donning this gem.
Flashback to when Dustin won the HOH Competition. Thanks, BB! Dick had me convinced that he was still President. Amber cries and wahs and says she and Dustin are the strongest alliance in the house and they totally deserve to win. Deserve? Puhleeze. You deserve something really really bad to happen to you because of all the crying you do over stupid shit. Dustin air karates and tells us that he has four targets. Jenius, Kail, Nick, and Zach. There are those four Prissy Fingers again. Ick.
Jenius has no idea she’s on Dustin’s radar because after all, she put up Joe Blow and got him out. Good point, so sorry. Kail knows she’s probably in trouble because she put Dustin’s BFF on the block the first week and “no matter how much mending you do, there can still be a lit-tl-e re-sent. Ment. Tow-aard me. On. That.” A group of non English speaking French tourists asked me where to “hang hat sleepy time” the other day and I had less trouble understanding them. I’ll give you the same advice I gave those tourists, Kail. GO HOME.
Dustin invites everyone in to check out his HOH room. He can’t wait for them to see pictures of his fam-fam! EW. Shut your face-face. Kail can’t believe how happy his parents look in the pics. I mean, hasn’t anyone told them that their son is going to burn in Hell for eternity?
Dustin gets a basket of goodies. There’s a letter from his brother, a box of Captain Crunch…sadly for the other HG’s, there’s no Febreeze and he’s still refusing to put on a new outfit. You know he smells like feet. Dick, who seems pretty disgusted with not being on top, suggests everyone leave and give Dustin time to read the letter from his brother. “Yeah, that’s gonna be tough.” To prove it, Dusty starts crying.
UGH. Is his brother in a hospital somewhere dying of cancer? Is he in jail? Why the drama? His tears are making me imagine the worst, and when we get a close up of the note and it’s typed in all caps, I figure the brother must be retarded. Handwriting analysis is all I have to go on.
DEAR DUSTIN BUTT MOM HIT ME PLEASE HOME COME DAD DRUNK YOU GAY DRUNK GAY JOE CALL ON PHONE HE SAY I RETARDED GAVE HIM DIREAH PLEAZ COME HOME I SAD.
Aw! Dustin cries when he reads the letter, but when he tells us about it in private time with the camera, he downright sobs. His brother is proud of him! And why shouldn’t he be? You’re on a reality show! And you gave your cheezy ex gonorrhea! And you’re sobbing like a woman who just hit a child in a crosswalk! WAAAHHHHH!!!!
At dinner, Jenius comments that she’s eaten so much she’s gonna have a baby later. Dick, still picturing her in a bikini covered in butter, starts sniping. He asks Kail if she’s annoyed when people make stupid comments like that when they know nothing of childbirth. Huh? Kail nods and agrees with him like a lap dog. Speaking of, Dick also hates bimbos who talk about their dogs like they’re kids. Stupid barren bitches. When you have a kid, you realize it’s much harder than a pet. You can’t just leave them and let your mommy feed them when you want to go outside and play. Oh, wait…
Amber disagrees with him, and he laughs in her face. “You love your dog like you love your kid?” She says she worries just as much about the dog, and she ain’t lying. Schoonie told me that on the After Dark show, Amber admitted to becoming addicted to meth when her dog got sick cuz she couldn’t take the pain. LOLOLLLLL. She doesn’t bring that up tonight, unfortunately, but she does engage Dick in a battle of nit wits that’s just astounding to watch.
All this fighting has sent Daniele in to binge mode. Nice work, Dad.
After dinner, he’s still pestering Amber and calling her argument insane, and as her argument is “I’m not comparing love, I’m comparing it!”, I have to agree. But seriously, Dick. SHUT UP. Now’s NOT the time to piss off Amber. He nags and hounds her and then pulls out the old “Why are you so upset?” Kinda like he did when Daniele tried to argue with him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He tells the cameras that he can’t believe this dumb bitch and we shout at the same time: “Where did you find these people?” Ugh. That I just had a “jinx! You owe me a Coke!” moment with Dick makes me sick to my stomach. I know I’m never getting that Coke. When I ask for it he’s gonna be all “why are you acting so angry? Why are you raising your voice?” Slimeball.
Amber tells the cameras that she is DONE with Dick. And she isn’t crying. Watch out, Dustin. Those hugs are gonna be INTENSE tonight.
Late at night, Dick sneaks into the kitchen “to play my little tricks and my little fun”, whatever the hell that means. He should co-author a book with Kail. Turns out, he was trying to tell us that he was gonna mess with the faucet to play a practical joke. Like George Clooney always does on set! George also keeps change in his Beemer’s arm rest, but that’s another story for another day. Daniele is the lucky one to get sprayed on, once again the victim of her father’s inability to grow the fuck up. Hilarious, Dick. You’re a regular Ashton Kutcher.
And now, a montage of why everyone hates Zach. It starts with a story about how he went to a comic book convention with his friends. There were five naked women hanging upside down and everyone threw eggs at them. Then, they were set on fire and a bunch of guys beat the hanging girls until the flames went out. He and his friends thought it was hilarious. Who says chivalry’s dead? Everyone’s pretty horrified by this story, but Jessica’s face says it best.
I miss Carol.
Then we get a clip of Zach telling a lame fart joke and Dustin tells us that Zach walks into a room and brings sad horns with him every time, just like Eor. You’re one to talk, Droopy Dog. It’s uncanny. The only thing the cartoon dog’s missing are Dumbo ears. Dustin’s right, though. Every time Zach enters a room, everyone leaves. It’s hilarious. Amber and Dustin are having one of their disgusting marathon hugs in the bedroom and Zach watches for awhile, ignored, before walking over and putting his arms around them both. That’s enough to get me on his side.
Daniele gets stuck alone with him in the teacup and tells us she’d rather eat slop for three weeks than talk to Zach for an hour. He says that he’s gonna come and visit her when they’re out of the house, and she visibly chokes back vomit from the Amber/Dick squabble binge. As she walks away, she says “oh, my head!” LOL, Dani.
Dick is completely bored. Amber just passed by, refusing to acknowledge him, and Kail’s hiding so she doesn’t open up her mouth and f up her game again. Where’s Daniele? He can always get her to cry. At first she ignores him when he finds her in her room and pesters her about their issues, but you can only file your nails down so far. Finally, she starts crying and squealing so loudly that I have to turn down the TV. Dick just wants the respect she gives the strangers in the house, and she counters that they respect her and don’t try and tell her what kind of person she is when they don’t even know her. Ouch.
Dick starts the whole “what? What’d I do? What is it?” UGH. I’m sure some of you found it touching when he started crying and assuring her that he’s never abandoned her and never will, but I screamed obscenities at the tube until the downstairs neighbor hit her ceiling with a broom. BRB, I’m totally gonna tap dance right now. I used to get beat up for knowing how to tap dance, and now the fi-lap ball change is my weapon.
Stupid ho. Anyhoo, Dick’s gross, mean, and horrible.
Jessica and Eric have become good friends. I didn’t see that one coming. Eric shows her some “dance moves”. They were gonna waltz, but counting out 1-2-3 over and over again was just too daunting, so he flips and tosses her like a swing kid. Eric seems to have a fetish for throwing girls around, and it’s making me uncomfortable.
Where’s Jenius to kick this guy in the balls?
Time for the Food Competition! The task is to split up in teams of two, dress like morons, and put Humpty Dumpty back together again. The only two left without partners after everyone scrambles to pair up are Kail and Dick. HA. Jenius makes a beeline for Amber, Zach claims a hesitant Eric, Jameka and Jess team up, and Daniele and Nick (shocker) link. I’m rooting for Jess and Jameka, because they have been on slop for two weeks and I like them, but part of me hopes Jameka bones it so we can see her finally lose her shit. Sorry, Jameka, but I know you’ve got some serious crazy in you somewhere. If it takes starvation to get you to show your hand, so be it. They win! Ah, well. Another time. I’m sure it will come. Good things come to those who wait. Dustin congratulates them and reads from a scroll.
Uh-oh. I hope it’s not another letter from Corky.
As their prize, they get to pick the five loozas who will be stuck on slop for the next week. This sucks, because neither one of these girls has made enemies yet. They choose Dick first, because he’s the only HG who hasn’t been on slop yet. He says he doesn’t care, but I have a feeling one of these two will be in his line of fire in the very near future. Zach is chosen because of the setting women on fire story, Kail’s chosen for being, well, Kail, and Jessica says that they chose Nick because he’s a strong contender for the Veto Competition and they’ll do anything to “cut into his brain”. Only Jessica would look at Nick as an intellectual challenge. Love her. I vow to be on her side forever and I start the Big Brother fake praying when she addresses us in this shirt:
Please let this girl win, Lord.
Rounding out the slop loozas is Jenius, who jumps up and down in excitement when she gets the news. Now she can’t eat fattening food! “Slop is way more nutritional.” HAHA. OK, I changed my mind. Let her win! Jess and Jenius would be the best final two ever.
Later in the day, Jen is chilling on the patio with…Dick. They’re alone. RUN, Jen! He starts sniping. Has she had a boob job? She won’t answer, so he pesters and nags. Of course she has! What else has she had done? She says her mom has breasties double or triple the size of hers, and her mom hasn’t had a boob job. Compelling argument. Shoulda stuck with “whatever”. Dick keeps on in the hopes that she will let him touch them. It doesn’t work. Atta girl. I love that Dick is mad that she called him a skeezy lech and he’s proven to be exactly as she judged him. Grodie.
Hmmm. Kail’s been pretty quiet so far this episode. She must be coming up with a brilliant strategy. Sure enough, she corners Dustin and suggests he put Dick and Zach up for eviction. He says that the house wants her alliance out, and she says that she’s willing to go up if she has his assurance that she’s safe. IDIOT. What the hell is wrong with this woman? Dustin uses the Four Prissy Fingers AGAIN. Kail is weak, feeble, desperate and annoying. I’m going to cut those fucking fingers OFF.
Soul patch, handlebars, webbed pinky, smelly shirt = HATE
Dustin has a sit down with Jenius and asks her if she voted against the house, and she says no. He puts lotion on and snottily retorts “well, I don’t know if you did. Because no one else is admitting it.” When did this kid become such a c word? I liked him an episode ago, now I am totally on Joe’s side. He says “it’s like the mustard thing, someone did it.” OK, now you’re insinuating that she mustarded her own shirt? She says yes it is like the mustard thing, and it might be the same person. Who knows? Once again, Jenius is looking pretty smart.
She is amused by Dustin’s attitude. Me, less so. He asks who she would put up and she says that Dick and Daniele are the best players and have an alliance. He says he doesn’t see them cohesively working together. It’s official. Dustin’s a fuckin tool. Jen gives him the simplest answer so he can finish putting on his lotion and acting snippy in private. If you want Zach out, put him up against anyone and he’ll go home. Dustin thinks Zach’s a threat. DUMB. Man, wait til he gets home and sees the disgusted way Dick has been eyeing him this entire episode.
Eric’s eyebrows read America’s Challenge. Get Jenius voted out. ARGH!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM, AMERICA! Eric tells us that he’s happy to get “the first lady of the Big Brother House” on the nomination block. Oh, now, Eric. I think that’s your testes talking from inside your stomach. Love the Days of Our Lives acting, though.
Marlena, I’m out of my coma.
Dustin hasn’t had enough of a chance to roll around in his power yet, so he calls a meeting of his 100 person “alliance” on the patio. Eric brings Jenius up, and says that she sold Kail under the bus. Where the hell did this saying come from and why is it used so much? Ignorance is a disease. Speaking of disease, Dick wants Nick out. DUMB. Jameka wants Zach out. SHOCK. When are these players gonna stop voting based on their petty squabbles and start playing an actual game? The one constant in everyone’s preference for eviction is Kail. Who is absolutely no threat to anyone. Smart thinkin’, guys.
Too bad “Sold her under the bus” is already taken. Eric would have been rich.
Dustin very dramatically goes to the wall to choose his victims, telling us that he’s taken a huge risk gunning for HOH. You’re so brave (stupid), Dusty! Not everyone’s gonna be happy with his nominations. “You can’t please everybody all at once.” Sure you could, but you’d probably catch something. Lesson learned, douche. PLEASE CHANGE YOUR SHIRT. I CAN SMELL YOU FROM HERE.
He convenes the HGs and tells them that he based his decisions on “competitiveness and strategy”. These choices have nothing to do with him being a shallow, vindictive little prissy fingers. Kail feels brave for “letting” herself get nominated. What a psycho. She’s actually talked herself into believing that it was her choice to be on the block. “You’ve gotta trust somebody some time.” Huh? What does that mean?
Jenius breaks my heart, because she’s crying! AWWWW!! And no one even showed her an unretouched photo! Her feelings are hurt more this week than last because she was just dissed by someone she thought was her friend. Oh, hon. Take it on the chin and remember who you’re dealing with.
You know what would make you feel better? A SHOWER.