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Previously on Big Brother, Dustin went shopping instead of making sure (Dick’s) his original nominations were upheld, Nick was thrown into the eviction nominations at the last second because America told Eric’s eyebrows to vote against Kail, and God proved once and for all that he is watching this show by telling Jameka to save Jenius. Yay God!
God has awarded you this BFF locket. The other half is around His neck. Sorry, Amber.
Dramatic music swells as our lovable bot reminds us of the dire circumstances two of the HG’s are in this week, but it’s hard to pay attention to what she’s saying because I’m sobbing and beating the floor.
I accepted the cheesy moustache, the bandannas, and even the soul patch. But a MOHAWK? Four strikes and you’re out. No, wait. That’s not how you play baseball! Five strikes! Come baaaaaack!
I wish the Chenbot would just cut off a piece of that huge old lady dining room table cloth she’s wearing and reach through the screen to cover his head. I feel a little bit better when Jenius shows some sensitivity and holds Kail and Nick’s hands, assuring them that everyone loves them and it’s just a game. HAHA. No, she doesn’t do that. Instead, she obliviously puts on lip gloss and stares into space as the dramatic music intensifies, which makes me lol and lifts my spirits immensely. Thank you Jameka for sparing Jen, and thank you God for bein’ gangsta.
Nick doesn’t freak out when he’s nominated, because he figures he’s seen as a strong player who might be a threat down the line. Kail, on the other hand, is losing her shit. Dustin had promised her that he was gunning for Zach, and once again, it looks like she’s screwed. My question is, how did Kail know to pack all these headbands before she knew the theme of the house? She looks like Alice got lost in Wonderland and became very old and confused.
I’m gonna be chasing that GD rabbit until I wither up and die.
Dustin tells us that Nick’s nom was a house decision and it was time to get rid of “the weasel”. Keep talkin’ big, Prissy Fingers. You boned it pretty hard during the Veto comp. Kail comes into the HOH suite right after nominations and corners him. He explains that no one likes Nick anymore because of his assumed alliance with Dick and Daniele, and everyone thinks he voted against the house last week. She can’t believe that Amber would agree to that. Agree to it? She instigated it. You wouldn’t know it though, because she’s sobbing like her dog just came down with Kennel Cough.
Hide the meth.
Dustin tells Kail that Amber’s jealousy about Nick choosing Daniele over her friendship with Nick is so strong that it’s keeping her from concentrating on the game, and he assures Kail that he has more than four votes to keep her safe. He’s not very convincing as he shakes his iced tea bottle in a nervous lewd gesture. Kail tries to ignore it, but she can’t help but uncomfortably glance down at him jerking his Snapple.
Daniele is so so sad. Nick comes into her room to ask her if she knew about him going up and she puts her head in her hands and cries. He doesn’t even hug her! Come on, Nick! All she did was betray you! Some people are so easily miffed. Next, he wants an explanation from Dick. Here was his response:
Nick almost pleadingly reminds him that he promised he would look after his daughter, and Dick says that everyone knows he just wanted “those two bitches” out in the first place. Don’t blame him. Eric joins them and Nick asks them both if everyone knew he was going up. Eric stutters and Dick exhales. But it was supposed to be Zach! Cue Zach. Nick snaps at him to go back inside and Zach just stands there, as Zach tends to do. “I thought I was close to you, dude.” Jesus Christ. You have me feeling sorry for ZACH? What the hell is going on today?
Nick isn’t getting any answers, so he just says “expect the unexpected” and leaves. I know what would make you feel better! The only haircut that could possibly be more unflattering than the Pomade Helmet! As he goes, Eric says “Let us know if you need anything.” LOL. Thanks, come again. Have a nice day.
Amber is in bed sobbing her guts out, and Nick comes in to rub her back and cuddle. She chokes “I didn’t see this coming!” WHAT?!?! YOU DELILAH! She not only totally screwed him over, now she’s getting what she wanted in the first place. Her head in his nut sack. He strokes her hair and tells her “everything’s gonna be alright, dollface.” Wow. She’s not playing for a hundred grand, she’s playing for a slab of beef. AND SHE’S SCORING! This girl is way more devious than I gave her credit for. And way sluttier.
How he doesn’t have a boner right now is beyond me.
Nick asks her if she knew he was going up and she denies, denies, denies. Sure, his name came up, but she had no idea Dustin was gonna do it! He says that the only two people he wants to hang out with are her and Daniele. OUCH. Still bringin’ up Boany Joanie. This is the only time Amber stops crying for two seconds. Don’t blow it now, Amber. She starts the gasping for air thing back up with her face in his crotch and tells him she loves him sooooooo much! He condescendingly coos that he loves her back. Then they do it right there on the snot soaked sheets.
When he’s done, he goes to see Daniele again. She asks him for the God’s honest truth. Was he the second vote for Kail? He says no, and she asks him to promise, because everyone thinks that he was the second vote, and that’s why he’s up. She’s telling him this because she’s trying to help him and he pshaws. She iiiiissss!! He tells her that the feelings he felt for her were real, and he would have done anything to protect her. She gets that siren wail on and calls after him. “What did I do?” Crying didn’t work. Whining didn’t work. Congrats, homely boyfriend back home! You win!
Nick finally goes to confront Dustin, who is sitting at his sick friend’s bedside. If you wanna scare a gay kid, act like a pissed off, menacing jock. I was hiding under my covers while Nick puffed his chest out and tried to pick a fight, but Dustin just nodded like a psychiatrist listening to a patient rant and rave. Nick keeps poking, and says he wants people to be “real in my face”. He’s basically blubbering nonsense at this point, but his tone’s still scary. He finishes by saying “it’s all good” and “no hard feelings”, but I wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley. If I were Dustin. As Flipit I totally would. Dustin starts biting his lip as Amber stares catatonically at nothing. If you don’t move, he won’t see you. It’s an old trick but a reliable one. It works! Nick leaves without acknowledging her and she starts…deep breath…CRYING. Oh put a cork in it. You’re leaking all over the bed.
Jen and Kail are hanging out on the round beds when Dick comes in to berate Jen. Again. She’s a stupid fuckin cocksuckin whore bleepbleepbleeeeeeeep cock whore bitch fuck for using Jameka like that! Stupid bleeeeppbeeeepppp. Jenius smiles and says that she loves herself. Then he brings up the crying over her picture and taking down the pic of her mom and cockfuckbitchfuck’s some more. He’s really going full force psycho now, and Kail tiptoes out of the room. What a pal. Jenius keeps on smiling and uses the old I’m rubber / you’re spew defense, which really gets him going. He looks like he’s gonna beat the shit out of her. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? He’s always an ass, but he’s becoming completely irrational and more than a little scary. Jen smiles some more and he bleeps himself out of the room.
Man, you won’t let an old skeezy slime ball rub butter off you one time…
Jen goes to the bathroom, where Eric is watching Daniele’s mind tick. Jenius says that she’s sorry Daniele had to deal with that looza her whole life. LOL. Of course, Daniele doesn’t take kindly to this. She tells us that Jen’s a mean, horrible person. Then Kail comes in and says that was the worst Dick rant yet, and you can see it on Daniele’s face. One of her men was put up for eviction and the other’s Dick. Screwed.
Later, Nick is over it! You can tell because synthesized rock guitars are blasting and he’s turning on clippers. I take a deep breath and flinch as he shaves his head. Dick watches on and tries to stick up for Daniele. Shut up Dick. This is called grooming. It takes concentration.
Yo, Craptastic Sam’s. Get the rest of your face while you’re at it.
In the kitchen, Daniele tells Amber that she doesn’t even want to have a conversation with her when Jen’s in the room. Jenius passes to leave quietly and Daniele calls her back in, bringing out the siren whine. She shrieks that Jen has been a bitch from day one and she’s sick of it. What has Daniele ever done to her? Jen says that she’s tried to befriend Daniele and received a cold shoulder in return every time. Daniele says just because she’s a bitch doesn’t give Jen the right to be a bitch back.
Nick and Dick come in to listen to Daniele squeak and whine. Nick passes by Jen and calls her a stupid bitch. Wow, a haircut really can change a man. You were nice a second ago. Dick proudly watches Daniele lose control and go off on Jen, like he’s seeing his kid ride a bike without training wheels for the first time. He shouts random obscenities from the sidelines and at one point he and Daniele are yelling in unison. Ah, family. You can dye the apple, you can starve it; you can even give it dentures and boobs, but it’s still gonna fall right next to the tree it grew on.
The Dicks keep on shouting. Jen says that she doesn’t approve of Daniele cheating on her poor homely boyfriend (snap) and Dick throws a few bleeps at her. Jenius says she has morals and boobs that could float a sinking plane and she would never cheat. It’s “poor values”. Daniele retorts “You’re poor values!” Good one. Don’t tell me. Debate team.
To seal his bonding moment with his daughter, Dick walks up to Jen and pours his tea on her head before leaving the kitchen with Daniele. Jen mutters a few nonsensical syllables, but otherwise stays calm and drinks large gulps of her Evian while shaking out her hair. Nick comes back in just in time to hear her mutter “we can’t all be twelve.” He tells her to shut the fuck up and leave his bag of bones alone. Jen said she was referring to the Dick who just poured tea on her head, not the twiggy shrieky Dicklet, but Nick yells at her again to shut the fuck up and tells her no one likes her. She says she doesn’t care and gulps down more Evian. Guess if you’re gonna have a nervous habit, that’s a healthy one to have. Her pipes will definitely be cleaned out tonight. Nick storms out all douchehawked and bleepy. Ok, let me get this straight. Both Dick and Daniele turned on Nick, but Jen’s the bitch. Just making sure.
Can you get hepatitis through your scalp?
In just a second, we’re gonna get Jen’s scalp tests back, but first, Chenbot is going to get up, walk toward the camera, and tilt her head. Well done, bot! Here’s an alarm clock to snack on during commercial break.
Who do the HG’s think should go this week? Daniele says Kail because she’s “useless”, Dick agrees but says for his daughter’s sake he hopes Nick goes. How in the hell would one of your kid’s only allies leaving be good for her? Goddamit this guy’s a moron. Amber, who’s trying to hide her weight gain with a bright red supermarket check out girl apron, thinks Nick’s a genuine person, which means naturally he should go so she won’t have anyone to depend on. Oooh, burn, Dustin. Without Nick there, she thinks she might be able to stop crying all the time. I don’t know how any of this makes any kind of sense, but Amber, please don’t stop crying. It’s the only time you make me smile.
Cleanup on aisle seven? WAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
After commercial break, Amber is on a treadmill. Don’t hurt yourself there, babe. Nick is trying to get information out of her, and she tells him that no one wants to be honest with him about how he got nominated because it will make them look bad. She’s completely calm now and has no problem lying with a straight face. I think it’s straight. It might just be so puffy from sobbing that she can’t move it anymore. Nick thinks that his friends (her, Jameka, and Daniele) won’t vote against him (WRONG) and he also seems to think he’s got Dick (WRONG) and Jessica (who knows with that girl?). Amber has no answers for him. She just stares down at her legs like she can’t believe they’re moving so fast. I am hoping for her to have a heart attack any second.
Eric has decided to show his true colors tonight. He tells us that he’s disliked Nick from the very beginning and there’s only room for “one Cassanova in the house”. I LOL before realizing he’s not kidding. He proves he means business by getting Dustin to shave his head for him. Of course, he gets a faux hawk instead of a mohawk, which is way lamer. Eric is convinced that it’s gonna be the scrawny Jewish kid from NY who wins it this time, not the giant hot football stud. Eric is waaaay confident today, and it makes me not like him. The reason people don’t like guys like Nick is because they’re arrogant assholes. Please, Eric, stay the sweet little weirdo you are. Sweet chicken, man!
In private time now for the America’s Dork Challenge, Eric’s eyebrows are even dickish today. When he finds out that we want him to campaign against Kail, he tells us that he’s disappointed we don’t value his strategic input. Huh? Shut up and do it. You’re strategy’s to be the biggest dork possible, and there’s nothing we can do to get in your way. Dance, monkey!
He starts with Jessica, who’s an easy sell because she already detests Kail. Eric goes over a laundry list of reasons anyway, including the fact that Kail’s an old hag. Dude, she already took your bait. Pull your pole out of the water, no reason to be a shit head about it. Then he goes to the HOH room with the alliance of 100 and tells them that he wants to pitch why they should get rid of Kail. Dick snipes “really…?” and rolls his eyes at the rest of the room. Dustin agrees with Dick!
Eric asks for them to hear him out. First of all, they all hate Kail, and second of all, she’s a strong player and won the first HOH Challenge. Dick is immediately swayed, and all of his bimbo disciples seem to follow his lead as usual. Dustin agrees with Dick! Ugh, Dustin. He sits in his HOH robe clinging to the last shreds of power and nods like he’s actually thinking things.
Hmmm…I wonder how many grey shirts I should take to Barbados.
Dick and Daniele chat on the patio. It’s dawned on Dick, thanks to America’s Eyebrows, that getting Nick out of the house might not be their best option. No shit. He thinks that playing with the whole group is dumb because everyone’s only looking out for themselves. On Big Brother? Why the hell would they do that?
Time to gather for voting. Chen asks the ladies what they think of Nick’s new look, and Amber says fine is fine. It’s not the hair, it’s the lay, Julie! Did Eric shave his head as a sign of solidarity? Eric shouts like Julie’s in the rafters. He’s not being supportive of Nick, he just wanted to shake things up in a completely unoriginal way. Well done! He says that his new cut is called the “shark’s fin”. Uhhh….that’s not a fin. Maybe a tail…
This Shark Tale is less gay.
Chen asks Jenius how she stayed so calm and Jen pulls out her consistently riveting explanation: “What. Ever.” Dick says he doesn’t want to apologize. He just wishes the glass was “more full”. If the University of Phoenix Online isn’t buying commercial time during this show, they should be.
Chen tilts to Jameka. If God told her to save Jen, what is his ultimate plan for Jameka? She doesn’t know God’s will, but she hopes it’s that she wins. I’m sure it is. God’s all about greed. She tells us that she wants Nick out, because Zach’s his slave and it would be nice to see Zach wander around the house like a lost kid. Also, Kail does the dishes and puts them away every day. LOL, Jameka. That’s why I kept my last lovuh. I finally found the strength to break up with him when a friend suggested paper plates. I haven’t been in a codependent relationship since.
The bot questions Dustin in the HOH suite. Does he regret being a greedy little bitch and taking the trip and the money? He says once he’s outta there he’s out and he’s happy to take his girlfriend to Barbados. This is the second or third time he’s used that term. At first I thought he meant it like “Hey, girlfriend!”, but after reading the comments section of these recaps, I realized he might possibly mean “the girl I am currently having vaginal intercourse with”. Ick. Why would you put handlebars on a semi-cute boy’s head and then waste them on an actual girl? I have never had a more confusing relationship with God than I have had since watching this season.
The bot asks Dustin what he thinks of Dick being abusive to the women in the house, and he says he’s ok with it because Dick took “all the brute of it” this week. HUH? Dustin thinks that Dick being Dick took everyone’s attention off the fact that he acted like a fat housewife on Supermarket Sweep during the Veto Competition. Keep telling yourself that, Dusty.
Time for closing arguments. Kail says that just because she can’t pronounce “appreciate” doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love everyone in the house and Nick professes his love for Daniele. Wow. You truly are a sucker.
Jen speedwalks to cast her vote against Nick, and Zach votes against Kail. Chenbot asks us how Jameka’s faith will guide her vote tonight. LOL, bot. Jameka votes for clean dishes, and Eric tells us that he gunned for Kail as hard as he could, but if he failed, just give him one more chance and he will guarantee either she or Jenius will go home next week, America! He’s still wearing arrogant brows, and his still has a faux hawk. Boo.
Jess votes with the alliance of 100 even though she hates Kail, and Amber votes for Nick while she pulls on that GD necklace.
Hi honey! Mommy’s a lying, backstabbing Judas! Love you!
The Dicks both vote against Nick, which makes them incredibly stupid and puts the only hot piece of ass out on the street. Ah well, at least there’s Eric. WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Amber sobs and walks around getting pity hugs from everyone, like maybe they forgot that she’s the one who got his ass out of there. This chick is so fuckin’ wack I don’t even know what to say anymore.
The bot asks Nick who he thinks the second vote against Kail was, since we all know his ass was framed. He blames, who else? Jen. Eric’s eyebrows come on the screen and boast about being America’s Player. Nick holds back tears and repeats “expect the unexpected” again. That he professes his love for Daniele while repeatedly quoting Oscar Wilde makes me realize that he’s just confusing enough to stalk. Hey, a boy’s gotta have a hobby.
The goodbyes are pretty predictable. Amber puffs her face up like the pumpkin Cinderella hitched a ride in and Dick does that old diseased Backstreet Boy pose he does and lectures Nick about how horribly he played the game. The bot tells the HG’s to make their way back to the backyard, and then she stumbles over her lines explaining that they’re about to compete for HOH. Then she starts spinning in circles and looping “You’ve Got Mail! You’ve Got Mail! You’ve Got…” Reboot.
Today’s Challenge is to sit on giant clocks that swing back and forth. Whoever stays on the longest wins. I’m voting for Jen on this one for obvious stripperly reasons. The girl looks like she knows her way around both poles and mechanical bulls. Besides, she’s wearing biker gloves. She has to win. And there’s a twist! They have to hang upside down like bats while fake bird poop is dropped all over them. And the show’s over! WHAT?? If you wanna know what happened, you gotta pay for Showtime or the 24 hr feeds, suckas! BASTARDS!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
I dare you to cry now.
As you know, spoilers are not allowed in this section, but if you wanna find out who won HOH, check out the spoiler thread in the forums! And as always, thanks for being here! xo