Previously on Big Brother, the HGs were left hanging from poles while being pooped on by pigeons. And you thought art was dead.
If we all wrote a check to PBS right now, we could really make a difference.
We start right where we left off Thursday night, with the contestants hanging upside down. The fake bird poo is making their ropes slick, and Amber is the first one to fall. She sounded like she was crying about it, but it turns out she just can’t speak anymore because her vocal chords have rotted due to so much sobbing. And meth.
Kail tells us that she was having a hard time hanging on, but she knew she was back to the daily grind of owning multiple businesses if she didn’t so she concentrated on what her faith really means. Apparently, it means if you whine and beg loud enough, God will help you lie and backstab a bunch of people and then hand you a hundred thousand dollars to get you the mini-van of your dreams. Yay, faith! Hanging there all Holy, Kail is starting to look like a Virgin Mary necklace. If the Virgin Mary hung upside down. And was covered in pigeon poop. And had her bra straps showing.
Eric reaches up past the elimination point and is taken out. He says that he gets motion sickness and is ashamed to have not won for his alliance. Come on, dude. Second one out? I don’t believe that a guy who wrestled Amazon woman Jenius to the ground wouldn’t have the strength to hold onto a damned rope. Oh yeah. She won that wresting match. His proven wussiness aside; it’s highly probable, given earlier shortcomings come HOH Competition time, that he threw it to stay on everyone’s good side. And why shouldn’t he? He’s sitting pretty. Well, pretty’s a stretch, but people seem to like him.
Jameka falls next, and Eric starts gossiping to her and Amber about Nick’s goodbye speech to Daniele. Daniele tells us that she’s really furious Nick was voted out because he was the only person she was comfortable giving (oral) her friendship to (allegedly). Then Amber cries over Nick and I scream curse words at the TV. Dick poses in that really old Backstreet Boys kind of way and tells us that he either A. just made the dumbest game move ever, or B. he helped his daughter save her relationship. Awww! What a sweet, loving deadbeat dad! A.
Eric continues his turn to the dark side as he vents about Lick. He was trying to be “all bro” with the guys and flirt with the ladies to stay in good standing and he failed. Eric is the true stud in this house, and there’s not room for the both of ‘em. Eric really believes in his tigerliness, and it’s both adorable and hilarious; not to mention evidence to the theory that a faux hawk instantly turns you into a douche.
Darla would totally dump Spanky for you, stud!
Back to the pigeon poop. A plane is overhead. A plane flying a banner. Everyone looks up and reads “We HEART Nick! Amber and Eric are liars! The LNC is the Nerd Herd!
I demand to know who wrote this and their address so I can send a Shoebox Greeting.
OUCH. These two are screwed. My blood is rushing so goddamn fast right now. LOVE THIS SHOW!! Eric is mortified. “Who have we lied to?” Amber starts trying to cry for us, but she’s too busy stuttering about not being able to lie. When she tries…she can’t…she… she can’t even find…I mean when she even tries to…she can’t cuz she…words can’t even talk when she tries..lie. LOL, you big fat lie-y pants!
Damn. Eric was soooo about to be a stud. Sorry, Alfalfa! Maybe next reality show. He is furious and tells us that Nick’s mom probably sent the banner and he’s not gonna let stupid people ruin his game. He will keep America’s secret safe! Brave. The luxury cruise up shit creek just left. Sorry, dude. Time to paddle. I hope Nick’s mom did send that banner, but I have a feeling it was sent by someone fitting this description:
Either way, Eric’s retarded “That’s What She Said” t-shirt is pretty relevant all of a sudden. Everyone read the banner, and Daniele said that everything clicked into place when she saw it. Eric and Amber are freaking out on the patio couch with Jameka wide eyed and shocked silent in between them. Love it. It’s kinda unfair that Eric could lose because of the banner, but hey, that’s why he gets to win money throughout the game. He’s a rental clown. Bet he’s wishin’ he’d cuddled up to Joe a little harder that night.
Zach falls, and it looks like Dick’s having trouble, too. He shouts at us that he wants to beat (off to) Jen so bad, but alas, he was a stand in for Johnny Depp, not the Rock. Out. Jess is the next to be eliminated, leaving Kail, Jenius, and Daniele. The HG’s all cheer Daniele on, which hurts Kail’s feelings. Yay! One step closer to that nervous breakdown we’ve all been waiting for.
Come on, you can do it!
Dick immediately starts ripping into Kail and Jenius, bringing to mind Zach’s story about him and his buddy watching disgusting men torture women as they hung upside down. He calls Jen “crazy eye bitch” and taunts Kail with the prospect of having to face her husband and family after being a backstabbing a hole on TV. He spews venom everywhere, reminding Kail that she begged him to get rid of Jenius and then cooing that she’s a real inspiration to Christians everywhere, what with her lying and betrayals. This irks Jameka, who thinks it’s totally inappropriate to bring Christianity into the game. Then she says the Lord’s prayer and starts building a giant wooden boat.
Jen uses the easiest taunt to get to Dick. Well, besides the “you’re old and disgusting don’t touch me” taunt. She goes after Daniele. She says that she kinda hopes Dani wins so they can hear the letter from Homely Boyfriend. LOL, Jenius. Dick bleeps and sucks hard on his cigarette. What does that mean? “It means she’s a cheat, that’s what!” LOL x 2. Dani tells her to shut up and stop acting like she knows her. Dick is getting more upset, but he’s already out of the game, so Jenius changes her tactics and tells Daniele that if she won, she wouldn’t put her up. Instead she’d put up Dick and anyone else Dani chose. Dani asks why she would believe Jen, and Jen points out that she doesn’t lie, which up to now seems to be the truth.
Then, out of nowhere, Eric starts yelling and telling Jenius to shut up and stay out of Dani’s business! He really goes off and talks really tough. So tough that his voice cracks, which makes me and Jen both laugh. Dani doesn’t know why he was sticking up for her all of a sudden. Uh, maybe because a huge banner just flew overhead that said he was a big fat liar and he needs all the friends he can get? Der. An hour and a half has passed. Jenius is Charlie Horsing, and she knows that if she doesn’t let go soon she’s gonna have a face covered in saline, so she gets down. Booo! Jenius fans everywhere are feeling the pain humongo boobies can bring. Down with humongo boobies!
I have to say I am impressed that the strongest two of this bunch are Kail and Dani. One spends all her time tending to the Lord’s work and the other one’s spent the past month making slurping noises in the dark with a hot guy. The common thread I was too blind to see earlier seems obvious now: they both have very strong knees.
Now that it’s just the two of them, Kail asks Dani how long she has in her and Daniele says she’ll hold on til she dies. Kail promises she won’t put her up if she wins, but Dani doesn’t care. She’s holding on, and she’s not making the same promise to Kail. She does say that no one wants Kail to go home. They’re all rooting for Jenius. Kail asks if that means she will be put on the block, and Dani says that she will, but the goal will be to backdoor Jen. How can Kail trust her? Because she just helped evict her best friend in the house! Uh, I think that’s like the biggest reason in the world NOT to trust her, but Dani keeps screaming that she SWEARS!
There’s no way she’s gonna beat a kid with the will power to not eat anything but fingernails and besides, Kail loves meaningless promises from strangers because if they betray her, she can cry and get all victimy about it to the cameras. She is determined to get nailed to a cross by the end of Summer. Sorry, Jameka, but seriously, the woman is begging to be betrayed. She lets go of the rope, making Daniele the winner. Dick is so happy that he throws down his beer. Wow. I never thought I’d see that.
Kail says she’s now a professional “on the block person”. Add it to the resume. She Ambers all over the diary room and apologizes to her kids for sucking at Big Brother. That’s alright, mom. It’s not like you were playing for our college money. Mom. Mom?
So, kids. What do you think about home schooling?
Jen isn’t worried. She knows she’ll be on the block again, but everyone who’s been evicted so far has been the second nomination. I love that this chick is aware that she is the most hated person in the house and still smiles like she’s about to be called to the stage to accept her crown. You can pour pig’s blood on Carrie all you want, bitches; she’s still Prom Queen.
Eric’s happy Daniele won because he feels like even though he has been screwed over by Nick’s mom, Daniele will keep him safe. Oooh, you better ditch the newfound cockiness and play this smooth, kid, cuz Dani’s not celebrating. She cries and tells Dick that she wasn’t the other vote for Nick and if she had known someone else was gonna give him a vote, they could have kept him. She knows there’s a weasel in the house, besides her skanky abusive kinda dad, and she’s gonna find out who it is and get her revenge! Can’t. Wait! I’ve been waiting patiently for Daniele’s bitch side to come out. She’s shown flashes of it, but so far has kept it under control. Nothing brings out a person’s bad side like power. Go, Dicklet!
Amber tries to comfort Dani while she Ambers in the bedroom. She promises that she wasn’t the one who gave Nick a vote. She even cried when she voted against him! And that proves…
Dani is hellapissed. It’s the second time someone has put in a vote that sets her up as a liar, and she’s gonna find the snake! As she leaves, Eric enters to share whispered denials with Amber. Great move, you guys! Let everyone see you whispering together after a huge banner called you both liars. Sure enough, Jameka comes in, followed by Dustin and Dick. Fingers aren’t being pointed yet, but Eric laughs awkwardly and says things like “you think it was me? Why would it be me? Me? Huh? Why would I do it? It wasn’t meeee!!!!” Smooth.
Dani invites everyone in to check out the pictures on the wall of her HOH suite and smiles perkily as she points to herself in loving poses with her boyfriend. Dustin’s shocked that he’s an uggo, and Jen smiles wide, because surely these people will see that Daniele’s a cheating liar and just used Nick up and spit him out. They’re all rational, thinking human beings, right?
Dick gets in his usual lame pose and cries to the cameras about the picture of his mom raising Daniele. He’s not crying because of deadbeat dad shame, he’s crying because he’s so damned happy his mother will get to see the two kids she raised getting along so well. You didn’t scream at Dicklet and make her cry today! Awwww!! Let’s see. In half an hour, your mom’s watched you verbally abuse two women and repeatedly call them stupid bitches and cockfuckcockwhorecwords while you chain smoked, guzzled beer, and practiced zero grooming skills for all her bridge club and the rest of the Country to see. I’m sure she’s bursting with pride.
Daniele knows she doesn’t have many friends in the house because she spent so much time on Lick, but she says that she and Jessica are about to become very close. I don’t know where she’s going with that one, but I can’t wait to hear those two hang out with each other. My finger is already defensively on the mute button. If they ever get into an argument it’s gonna sound like a dolphin gang bang.
Dick asks her who she thinks is trying to set her up, and she says Eric. It’s not a maybe, it’s a fact. He was the one who gave speeches in favor of the Ban Beefcake Bill in the first place, a huge banner flew over the house calling him a liar, and he has a faux hawk. Those guys are all full of shit. Nick told her before he left that she may only trust him ninety-nine percent, but when he was gone she’d trust him a hundred. AW!! She says that thirty minutes after he left, she trusted him all the way and it was too late. They made the wrong decision.
And in one conversation, I am firmly in Daniele’s camp. She’s gone from a whiny, lying user to a heroine in a Lifetime movie vowing to find the truth and bring her wronged man some justice! Kick ass, Dicklet! Sorry I called you anorexic and suggested you had to get a whole new mouth of teeth cuz your other ones fell out! Call me! Mean it! Love, Flipit.
Eric, visibly nervous, approaches Dick in the kitchen. Who cast that darned second vote two weeks in a row? “Before we can start throwing out conspiracy theories…Jen.” Dick isn’t buying it. Then Eric starts tap dancing with big scared deer in the headlight eyes. Jessica? No way. Amber? Dick says she’s too transparent. Clearly it couldn’t be Eric, because he tried to copy his haircut, which is an obvious sign of disrespect. Everyone knows that women all across America still wear “The Rachel” as a little fuck you to Jennifer Aniston. Then Eric laughs nervously and does wings. Dick, not a fan of dance, exhales his five hundredth cigarette of the day and walks off disgustedly. Eric’s eyebrows shit a brick.
Dick paces around the patio alone and auditions for the Royal Shakespeare company, but since he can’t remember the “To Be or Not to Be” spiel, he settles on lots of cockwhorefuckbitches and “I knew it!”s. No. No you did not know it, and you let yourself get played two weeks in a row. HAHA.
The Dicks get Jessica in the HOH suite and pelt their theory at her. They talk over each other in scary, pointed, echoey whispers. Jess looks scared, and who can blame her? It sounds like the Others are coming. Jessica is so shocked by the accusation that her friend is in a Kail Jenius alliance that she doesn’t think of asking the most obvious question: “Why the hell would anyone be in an alliance with either of those lepers?” I don’t know what these two are thinking telling Jessica ANYTHING. We have all known Jessicas and we have all loved them, because they give us the dirt.
Sure enough, she goes straight to Eric and says that she wants to tell him something, but she can’t! HAHA. Riiiight. Without even giving him a chance to beg for the info, she asks him if he was the second vote both weeks. He of course answers of course not, and she tells him about the Dicks’ theory and adds that if they win the power of veto, he’s going up on the block. But don’t say anything!
Eric’s eyebrows are livid. He tells us he has been nothing but kind to the Dicks and this is how they repay him?!? He’ll make them pay and have their bony asses out of this house without them even seeing him coming! “Bring it!” That’s the spirit, Eric’s eyebrows! Glad to see you snap out of it!
Jenius, finally realizing that she might actually have to be nice to someone at some point, decides to swallow the toughest pill first and heads up to the HOH suite. She tells Daniele that she would think it’s hilarious if she was nominated three times in a row, but like, well, I mean. Like. You know? It’s like we have this weird relationship…and then Dani’s all but like you hate me and then Jenius is all well, like nuh-uh I’ve never said anything mean about you and then Dani’s like what. Ever. You’re mean to my face! You hate me! And then Jenius is all yeah, but that’s like….I dunno I don’t want to be kicked out cuz of…well I mean it’s totally not cuz you’re like HOH or anything I mean nominate me I want you to, but I don’t want…this…negative feelings… like…I dunno I’m sorry. Huge smile. Well, she tried.
Wanna borrow my Jensa Member t-shirt?
Daniele asks her who got her vote to stay this week. Jen aswers Kail, and Daniele’s all “just wondering” and then Jenius calls her a nerd and asks if she’s trying to find out who’s lying, and then Dani’s all oh I know who is. “Is that annoying that someone’s lying?” Dani answers that it’s not when you know the truth. Jen seems to think Dicklet’s insinuating that she isn’t telling her the truth, so she smiles big and gets the hell out of there before she’s tempted to call her a bony slut. As Jenius leaves, Dani says maybe they can talk later and Jen replies “good times!” like she was just invited to a keg party. Dani rolls her eyes and mutters to herself “Good Lord.” HA.
The goofy America’s Eyebrows music plays, but Eric’s all pissy and hawked now, so it just doesn’t fit. The country tells him to get Jenius nominated. Ooooh, what a stimulating request, America! So unpredictable!
Eric goes to the backyard where Dick’s marinating in the hammock and chillin’ with Jameka, Dustin and Daniele. Dick is having a harder time not coming out and accusing Eric today, and as Eric talks and talks and talks and talks, Dick becomes infuriated. Eric basically says not to break up the alliance because of two votes that could be completely unrelated. Dick calls that theory ridiculous and starts losing it. Eric tells him to calm down, which of course makes Dick even louder.
He throws the pillows off the hammock and starts yelling. Eric gets louder too, warning him to stop pointing fingers at people in his own alliance before he’s out of the house. Dick freaks. Having words put in his mouth is making him crazy, and me insanely happy. He gets his finger in Eric’s brows, but Eric just says not to ever yell at him again. Or what!?!? Or he’s gonna look like an idiot to everyone there and cast himself in a bad light. No bartender/actor wants to be put in bad lighting. Somehow, Dick falls for this and calms down a bit. I should also report that Dick was finally almost just as foul mouthed and defensive with a man as he has been with Kail and Jenius. Misogyny I cannot stand behind, but plain old white trashery is encouraged. Fart so Jameka can make that face again!
You are never gonna believe this, but Dani went with her Dad’s original picks, Kail and Jen! Dicklet hands them the news like she’s delivering Girl Scout cookies while Dick gives them both dirty, superior looks. Amber and Eric are both off scott free, and Daniele just showed once and for all that she’s Daddy’s little girl by upholding his original nominations. I am sick of watching Dick smugly lead everyone around just because he has the biggest, craziest, yellowest mouth, and I’m annoyed with all the non-payment to the Piper going on tonight. Dustin’s greed in the POV Challenge is forgotten already and Amber wasn’t even questioned, leaving those two to cuddle and wah together for even longer. I call bullshit!
When Daniele finishes reciting her father’s reasons for her nominations, Jen cheers, Dick calls her an idiot, and Kail tells us that “in all truthness”, she’s skerd. Me too, Fail. Me too. Jenius insists that she’s just here for fun and doesn’t care what happens, but she’s nervous. You can tell cuz she starts that Evian gulping thing she does when she’s ruffled.
Slow down, Ms. Confidence. You’ll go into toxic shock.
Dani assures us that her plan goes beyond her dad’s nominations, and she promises that her real strategy will cause an uproar. Well, you better get to selling, then, because you don’t have much time to convince the house of Eric’s guilt. I don’t think anyone would be dumb enough to buy the Fail/Jenius/Julio Iglesias alliance, but then again, these are people who auditioned to hang upside down and get pooped on.