Previously on Big Brother, Jenius considered making the biggest Dick move ever, Jameka talked dirty to God, and this shit got GOOOOOD!
Our beloved Chenbot gets us up to speed but it’s hard to concentrate on what she’s saying cuz she poked a heart shaped hole in her skin suit and her metal’s showing.
Come on, CBS, get a new suit for the bot.
Eric does a nervous first date at the movies stretch to show that he’s completely not skerd about just being nominated. That would have been really smooth, stud, but we just saw you almost chew your thumb nail off. He tells us that he’s putting all his trust in Amber, Jameka, Jessica and Dustin. Why would anyone be nervous with a crew like that behind him?
Kail knows that her “chances is slim” against Eric’s eyebrows, and watching her try to convince us that she’s not on the verge of a nervous breakdown while she’s stuck in a bunny suit is just breathtaking. Dear Alison Grodner, HEART.
The Dicks are pretty confident that they can get Eric out. They already have Zach on their side, which means they only need one more vote to rule the world. Eric loops “me? Why would they think it was me? What’d I do? Couldn’t be me!” over and over again to Amber, who swears on her daughter’s life that he has her vote. Then we get a slow mo hug shot of her and her kid. LOL, editors. Amber gulps.
Jenius and Fail chill on the hammock, and as usual they are silent. I imagine them leaving the show and keeping in touch. They’ll just meet up for lunch at Applebee’s every once in awhile to not talk. Seriously, what’s with this friendship? Dick comes up to try and be nice, but he can’t do it. He tells them that he’s gonna help them even though he doesn’t trust either one of them and they giggle like he just called them the prettiest girls at the dance. He’s gonna help Kail, but Jen points out that they might not have the numbers to get Eric out and she’s afraid of getting on everyone’s bad side. Dick snuffs his cigarette out on her forehead and she beams, happy to not be called a stupid vapid bitch again. Kail just giggles crazily.
Next stop on the campaign trail is the gym, where Amber is on the treadmill. Dick closes the door behind him and asks her how she’s gaining so much weight when she’s always on the treadmill. Then he starts acting like he’s working out while he bashes Eric and calls him a lying little weasel. Amber says that she promised Eric her vote and would feel bad not coming through on her word, so Dick ups the ante. He says that Eric told him that he had a secret about Amber and her ex-boyfriend that would discredit her and turn the house against her. Sure enough, we get a flashback of Eric telling Dick just that. Amber keeps walking to nowhere and Dick stares at her like a snake allowing a gerbil to run madly on it’s wheel one last time before dinner.
Amber keeps a puffy poker face, but a flashback shows her confiding to Eric’s eyebrows that she once was so in love with a guy that she lied about being pregnant twice to keep him. It didn’t work. Neither, apparently, did actually getting pregnant. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Eric didn’t tell the whole story to Dick, because he was saving it for the right time, but he’s a liar and if she believes him she’s gonna get screwed. She doesn’t make any promises, but she’s ruffled by the betrayal. She shouldn’t be too worried about the lame story circulating, though. It’s the God given right of anyone with a uterus to fib about pregnancy a couple of times in their youth.
So you’re a desperate, slutty liar. Tell us something we don’t know.
She goes straight to her GBF and vents about Eric’s backstab. Dustin pouts and nods sympathetically but says that they should still fight for Eric to stay because he’s not a threat to them. She just shakes her head, not liking this answer. “How dare him?” We get it. You’re mad. That’s no reason to torture English. She’s so pissed that she pulls out a My Little Pony Hair Braider and gives herself a rebellious make-under.
This is getting ugly.
Somewhere in Hollywood tonight, Bo Derrick is shaving her head. The Dicklets talk over each other and finish each other’s sentences as they try to convince Amber that she needs to vote against Eric. But she promised on her daughter’s life! Dani says that she should do it for Nick, which is hilarious seeing as how Amber was the first one to point the finger at the tiger and Dick was the biggest cheerleader for his eviction. These people are so full of shit. Amber’s still not convinced. She promised! On her daughter’s life!
Dick tries to show that he’s willing to work together by offering a one week alliance: if he or his spawn win HOH, they will spare Amber and Dustin if they do the same for him and Daniele. Amber asks if they’d still be on her side if she just convinced Dustin to change his vote. Dick is obviously struggling to not punch her gigantic forehead in, and it’s awesome to see him try to keep his rage contained for once. He is disgustedly seething as he tries to convince Amber to get over the whole “made a promise to God” thing. He argues that if God was just, He would want Eric out and He wouldn’t have let Amber mangle her own head like that. Amber nods, like this argument makes total sense, and Dick leeringly spits out “Pray on it” before stalking off. Amber says “ok”, still not detecting any sarcasm.
She relays the Dicks’ one week truce offer to Dustin, who is wearing his queen robe. She’s fired up, and she’s going to vote Eric out! Dustin scrunches his face and asks her what the hell she did with her hair. She rails on about Eric betraying her. He tells her to stop acting like a psycho and think with her forehead in the game. It’s way more important that Dick goes first. Amber doesn’t care about rationality and she doesn’t care that she promised on her daughter’s life. Eric’s out! Dustin says that he will be the deciding vote to oust him so that she can keep her word and not completely traumatize her poor kid back home. She asks him to promise and he does. If Amber could stop staring off into space and listening to her inner crazy for one sec, she would see on his face that he has no intention of following through on that one. Oh, Jesus. Dustin has given himself a horrible haircut too! It’s like group grooming suicide on this show.
Link has come out of the closet and stopped searching for Zelda.
Later, the HG’s are gathered in the living room. Now that Amber’s got everyone’s attention, she puts on a trucker hat and a denim mini and begins the opening act of her white-trash tirade against Eric. How dare he use something personal that she told him in confidence against her? Yes, she hurt someone she loved. “I was on druuuuggs!!” You still are. What’s your point? If he wants to tell everyone that she was a lying meth head ho then go for it! Do it now!
As she rants on, she gets more and more agitated until she’s growling like a truck stop tranny and hitting the air and scream-crying about how it’s his fault poor little Nick is gone. Instead of being home with his family he should be here in the “good person’s group”! LOL. Who exactly are you referring to? Eric just sits there stone faced, nipple pierced and faux hawked. It’s a battle of hideous style choices.
She screams “I HATE YOU!” and storms out, shouting that that felt soooo good. Oh and of course, she doesn’t forget to thank God for giving her the strength to spew obscenities and hatred so incoherently. Yay God and smooth move, Amber. You had one alliance to get you through the next couple of weeks and you just flushed it down the drain. Jenius has pulled her rabbit head over her face, either hiding from the fight or blacking out from all the feelings flying around the room. The rest of the HG’s are pretty uncomfortable, but none more than Jameka. She’s the only one not dressed like a bunny, a truck stop hooker, a gimp, a scuzzy heroin addict or a queen, and she looks like she might get up and bolt to the nearest bus stop any second.
So, Jameka. How do you feel about white people now?
Time for voting. The HG’s all convene for their meeting with the bot’s face and ChenChen starts by asking Jameka if she would ever leave her town again. Jameka says oh hell to the no and yes, she regrets giving up HOH eligibility for five weeks, but stress is no excuse not to groom herself and look adorable on TV. Take notes, the rest of you.
Does Jenius regret giving up half of her possible prize money to win the veto? Of course not! Now she can prove that she’s not greedy, just completely self involved and hilarious. Wait a second, who let Chenbot wear boxer briefs under her tight pants?
You know Les is home watching this in the bot’s silk thong right now.
For the first time, Chen will be taking questions from the viewers and tonight Dustin will answer the first one!! Wichita wants to know how two bottoms were ever happy together, and also how come he never changes out of that hideous grey shirt? He says A. porn and sex toys and B. it’s important that he shows everyone he’s consistently consistent about being consistent. Huh? Please stop wearing them. Consistently.
Next up, does Dick really know famous people or is he just a poser skeezball? Kinda and yes. Montage of used up used to bes and a testimonial from some contestant on Rockstar Supernova. Hmmm. That’s almost as good as Johnny Depp. Dick really does know people!
The bot questions Dicklet alone. Are things getting better with her dad now that they’re forced to live together? Dani rambles on about how it’s really hard for her cuz like, no one knows the real story and she was like really you know upset. Yes or no, Twizzle Stick? Kinda. Ok, well how do you feel about the abuse he’s shown to the women of the house? Dicklet insists that she’s not like her dad and she doesn’t like being compared to him, and then she calls ChenChen a stupid bitch and threatens to shove her foot up her ass if she doesn’t change the subject. I must note that she’s wearing Nick’s bandana around her bunny ear, which I’m sure is really helping win back the confidence of homely boyfriend back home.
We’re just friends!
And now, for something none of us expected!! We finally learn what Fail’s multiple businesses are! She owns a motel, a grocery store and two restaurants. She assures us that one of them is even a fine dining establishment, but after taking a look at the store and the motel, I have a feeling she’s using that term very loosely. Her town looks like a Cracker Barrel. Then we meet her husband. Poor thing. With his wife gone, he’s had to cut his own hair. Holding a bowl and scissors at the same time is a daunting task. Soldier on, Trump.
Buy a barber shop.
Hubby tells us that Kail’s strategy of not telling the other HG’s that she’s really the Monopoly Man is smart because they’d never let such a jet setter win. He doesn’t blame Dick for being mean because he knows it’s just a game, and he thinks that Kail’s not letting on that she’s a hardcore Christian because she doesn’t want to be “perceived” that way. The disciple Peter had the same strategy in the Bible and it didn’t work out so well. A rooster crowed a couple of times, he had a nervous breakdown, and the other disciples totally voted him out of the tent.
The bot gives Fail and Eric’s eyebrows one last chance to plead their cases before the vote. Kail has wrapped part of her bunny costume around her neck like a brace to go for the pity vote, and she even cries a little. Eric stutters about how he came in prepared to fight, but then realized he loved everyone soooooo much and they’ve carried him through his week of shame. And besides, they can’t vote out two haircuts gone wrong in a row. America will think they’re shallow.
Dick happily votes to evict “that little weasel Eric” and Jenius makes the biggest mistake of her life and seconds him. Jessica sticks with Eric and votes against Kail. Zach keeps his nose firmly up the Dicks’ ass and votes Eric, and Jameka votes Kail. Dustin throws his promise to Amber out the window and votes to evict Kail, which means that Amber is the deciding vote. HAHA!
Amber keeps her word and votes against Kail. LOVE IT. The bot tells them that whoever is voted out will have only a few moments to gather their things, say goodbye, and walk out the door. When there isn’t a dialed response, she repeats her instructions. By a vote of 4 to 3, Kail, get the fuck out. Dick storms out of the room and Dicklet looks hellapissed. YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! I never thought I’d say this, and I’m not all that comfie saying it now, so I’ll use Dick’s words. For this one week, I love you, Dustin!
Fail is a neurotic, ignorant, Bible thumping hag, but I feel for her when she has to greet the Chenbot wearing those huge floppy bunny slippers. And by “I feel for her” I mean I laugh and jump around til the sound of a baby crying fills my room and the bitch downstairs threatens to call the cops. It’s worth it, you stinkin’ breeder! STOMP!
Dick is furious and immediately points at Dustin, who wisely denies, denies, denies. Dick says it must be another one of those darned mystery votes. Oh this is beautiful. Now Dustin’s in the line of fire! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!
Fail tells the bot that her biggest mistake was winning the first HOH competition. She doesn’t add aligning with backstabbing douches, not speaking proper English, or acting ignorant and close-minded to the list, but hey, we don’t have all night. Dick is the first goodbye video and he peaces her out, obviously not believing this footage would ever see air. Dustin tells her “bitch, you got a lot of growin’ up to do!” Shut up, you idiot. He says that he knows she’s a bigot ignoramous, and he hopes he’s taught her something about gay people. Well, you’ve shown her that gay people can be lying, two faced, bitchy, prissy fingered std spreaders. Nice work, Handlebars. Our week of love is off! I demand a new representative!
Jenius leaves her name and number at the tone and tells Fail that she can’t wait to see her again so they can go shopping on Melrose together. LOL, Jenius!! All Kail needs is a pair of foot high platforms and edible underwear to make her spiral into Satan’s arms complete. Dani says with a huge shit eating grin on her face that she’s sorry she didn’t stick to her word. You’ll get yours, Boney Joanie.
The HOH competition is on a saloon set that looks just like Fail’s Country Store, which has gotta sting. Two by two, all the HG’s but Dicklet and a pissed off Jameka will go head to head answering questions about what evictees have said in the diary room. Eric knocks Dustin out first, and Zach answers wrong next, giving Dick a win. He chooses Eric and Jess to go next.
The Chenbot asks who said they were gonna bang every chick in the house Nick? BUZZ. You gave them the answer, silly bot! Nick! Nick! Nick! She starts spinning and ripping off the rest of her skin suit as sparks fly out of her ears. Commercial.
The replacement bot greets us with a fresh question. Who was the multiple business owner? They both take a second, but Jess correctly guesses Fail, knocking Eric out. She chooses Jenius and Dick next, and Dick guesses that Mike was the one who was worried that his bed would be too small to bang Daniele in. Talk about denial. He’s out.
Amber is quickly knocked out, and before the bot can even finish the last question, Jessica buzzes in “Carol!” And she wins!! SWEET! Oh, man! The Dicklets are SCREWED! Congrats, Eric’s eyebrows! You live another week! The aftermath is even more awesome, because Dick makes the mistake of calling Jameka a liar. She is the first HG to (coherently) stand up to him, and he responds by walking away from her. Oh, no, bitch. Get back here! She follows him and tells him off. The show ends with her hand in his face, and I am going to bed one fat happy bitch. BEST. SHOW. EVER.
Take off those earrings, girl. It’s time to kick some ASS!