Previously on Big Brother: Jameka pulled out the attitude we’ve all been waiting for, Jenius finally got through a week without being nominated, and the Dicks were shocked to learn that no one likes them. Who woulda thunk? Nick, if you’re not home laughing your ass off right now, you really should be. Oh, and call me, would ya?
What’d IIIIIIIIIIIII do?!?!?
We open with a flashback of Jessica nominating the Dicks and reminding them that she is giving them a chance to play for the Power of Veto. Dick seethes “Thank you, Jessica,” and she smiles and sincerely squeaks “You’re welcome!” Love her. Violins swell as Dick tells us how his only goal from this point on is to make sure he helps his daughter survive. What a wonderful father! Now could you pay all the back child support you owe and send your poor mother on the vacation she so richly deserves? Dick? Dick? Where’d he go?
Daniele whines about how haarrd it is living with all these liiiaarrs and faaaakkes! Jessica says she wants Dani out, because she figures Dick will have other people to target besides her if he stays. Uh, you just nominated him and his spawn. Those tides have turned, girl. Hide.
She tries to chill in the HOH suite with Jameka, but it’s kind of hard cuz Eric comes in and starts twitching nervous energy all over the room. He’s so glad one of the Dicks is going home! He laughs in that nervous “huh? What’d I do? I’m not lying who says I’m lying?!?” kind of way. Jameka and Jess sit silently and watch him twitch, waiting for the awkwardness to pass. Instead, it’s heightened when Jenius saunters in with an apple and sits on the bed. The whole room is silent. Even Eric’s eyebrows. Jess stares at a wall miserably.
Isn’t it fun having your own room?
Dick and Dicklet sit on the patio and try to figure out where they went wrong. Dick thinks he’s failed at the game cuz he’s just not a good enough liar. Riiiiggghhht. And because you were PLAYED, biatch! He gives Daniele all sorts of advice, which is hilarious since he’s made one boner move after another. She stares off into space and he asks her if she took her vitamins. Then he says that if they’re too big and food-like, he’ll smash them up for her and mix them into some sugar free Kool Aid. Don’t want those fake teeth to fall out. Aw, the father daughter act is so touching! Take it on the road, you two, and get off my TV. Dear President of Team Daniele, sorry, but I can’t help it. HEART, Flipit.
Dick repeats over and over that he needs to save his kid. WE GET IT. His big plan? To get the house to despise him. How will you ever do that? Maybe you should be really abusive and pervy and disgusting. It’ll be tough, but you can do it! He bangs a pan in a sleeping Dustin’s face, calls Amber an ugly bitch and swears on her daughter’s life that he’ll make her wanna kill herself, yells at Eric for being a scrawny little liar, and generally acts like the ass we’ve all come to try and justify kind of liking. Daniele smiles and polishes her porcelain as everyone else in the house responds exactly as I do. Eh. Dick tells us that he’s getting into their heads. Ah, ok I see what you’re doing. Subtle.
Time for the POV competition. Jessica picks Jameka’s ball and Dick cheers “Halleluia! You picked Jameka’s magic ping pong ball!” LOL, Dick. Even Jameka has to smile at that one. Daniele picks Dustin and Dick yells “Yay! Princess!” Dick picks Zach, but since he’s planning on Zach to stand by his little brat, he has no abuse to hurl his way. Booo! I was just starting to like you, Dick!
Who has flabbier underarms? Dick or Amber? Vote now!
The players are all sequestered in different rooms. One by one, they are brought to the back yard, where there is an obstacle course of disgusting shots on tree stumps. For every shot they take, they will get to take a hit with the mallet in a game of croquet. What, no costumes? Boo! This game won’t require too much mental power, just the ability to digest anything. Too bad Amber’s out.
Jameka’s up first, and she doesn’t do too well. She slams down the pickle juice with no problem, but when she gets to the bacon, egg, and orange juice drink, she stumbles. She has trouble drinking things that should be eaten and doesn’t see herself getting very far if there are bits of food in the shots, like she has an actual medical reason for not excelling at downing blood.
Zach was grossed out by pretty much every shot on the stumps, so he just gave up and went inside. He’s not getting evicted this week, what does he care? Dustin, on the other hand, does not like being called Princess, and plus, he’s got a great swallow. He takes every single shot. Great job controlling your gag reflex, but next round involves sports. Ruh roh.
Dani took most of the shots, but she almost barfed up the steak and broccoli drink. I think she should have earned a couple hits with the mallet for keeping food down. Dick takes every single shot. Why? To save HIS DAUGHTER! AWWWW! Now I’m throwing up steak and broccoli. The funniest competitor of all was, of course, Jessica. She drank the easy shots first, because she knew she wasn’t going to be able to deal with the nasty ones. She sticks her tongue into the bacon bits drink and looks like she wants to kill herself.
Got Bacon, Eggs, and OJ?
She makes her way to the hot dog and relish. Nope. Then on to the burgers and shake shot. She tries it and barfs. NASTY!!! Eric’s eyebrows host the croquet portion of the competition, and they’re really intense. Lighten up, eyebrows! Whoever took the least amount of shots will get to hit the ball first, and he reveals Zach’s pitiful score. Dustin is mortified. How could Zach not swallow more than three shots?!?! All it takes is a little practice, come on! He went to college, didn’t he?
Zach only gets one ball partially through the rungs, meaning he only won six points and the wrath of Dick, to be awarded at a later date. When it’s revealed that Jameka only took four shots, Dick makes a praying gesture and tells us that God must have been too busy to help her with Big Brother today. His preacher mother must be beaming with pride right now.
Jameka gets ten points, and Jessica hits the goal post twice, putting her at the top with 17. Daniele takes the lead with twenty points, and Dick claps for her. The silence from the late night douches is both immature and hilarious. Dustin hits the goal post once, and other than that he’s pretty predictable. He drank all ten of his shots, which gave him the most chances of anyone so far, but he scored mostly twos. He tries to remember his dad’s advice: keep your eye on the balls. Zach gets super uncomfortable, and Dustin scores 32 points.
Dick is up last. He also drank all ten of his shots, and if he can get his scrawny, flabby crack head arms to stay steady, he’s got this thing won. Hey Dick, how come you wanna win? “For MY DAUGHTER!!” He doesn’t do much better than the Princess. When it comes down to the last try, he needs to hit the goal post to win by one point. Neither Jameka or Amber are praying right now, which troubles me. He hits it! No fair! He’s straight! I demand a showtune challenge!
He bows humbly and shakes Dustin’s hand. HAHA nuh uh. He jumps around and screams “it’s over, bitches!” Eric, looking like he’s gonna cry, hands over the veto, and Dick cheers to the cameras and tells us that he wanted to win. Why? “FOR MY DAUGHTER!!” He finishes it off with a “THANK YOU JESUS!” and a lightning bolt comes down from the sky and strikes him dead. Wait. He’s back up. Man, this guy’s a fucking cockroach. Time for commercial. Thank God. I need a moment to prepare for a major depression binge.
President of what? Mmmmm. Hot dogs.
Dustin comes into the kitchen and apologizes to Jameka and Jessica. He really wanted it bad, and if Dick uses that damned veto on himself he’ll really show what a selfish….he shuts up when he hears the cheesy rock music, cuz he knows that means Dick’s coming. Can’t say anything to Dick’s face, that would be way too scary. Dick prances around and rubs Dustin’s nose in his win. He blows him kisses and blah blah blah. I’m bored, but Dustin’s ruffled.
I’m sorry I made fun of your grey shirts. Please put one on.
Then Dick turns to Jameka and starts yelling about how God doesn’t listen to her and blah blah. She too is ruffled, and sick of his bullshit. The HG’s scurry up to the HOH suite, leaving Jameka alone with the Dicks. Uh-oh, someone’s looking for a fight. Just leave and let them look stupid. Yelling and screaming will only help th…and she’s off! She passes Daniele and mutters “I thought he was your God, too Daniele. I guess not.” Oooh! She’s going the Jenius route and attacking the kid! Daniele immediately starts up with the high pitched dolphin wail. She’s not Dick’s mom! She’s his sister! What did she do to Jameka, anyway?
Jameka faces her and starts to tell her and Dicklet wails “Can I taaaalk?!?” Ugh. Could you just write it down? I already have a headache. Jameka moves the “conversation” to the bathroom, where Dicklet screeches that she’s never done anything to her and it’s not faaaaair that everyone haaaaates her cuz of Dick! WAAAAH! Jameka doesn’t even have a chance to talk before Dani runs out of the bathroom and up to the HOH suite. She tells everyone that she’s so mad at Jameeekaa and everyone for taking her father’s shitty personality out on heeerrrr!!! WAAAAHHH! Totally innocent.
Ah, the sounds of Daddy Dick terrorizing the HG’s can really start a day of GRRREEEAT!
Shut it, kid. You sit back and smirk like a really hungry jackal while your crack head father runs around and does your dirty work for you ON YOUR ORDERS. You sent home the only guy who was swayed by your whiny bony ass, so sorry. Jameka walks in mid wail and starts in about God and religion and for a minute they are both screaming so loudly I don’t know what they’re saying. I think Jameka says something about always boning Nick instead of getting to know people and then Dicklet screams that she was boning Nick and not her dad and what does that have anything to do with MEeeeeeeee?
Jameka wants to know her stance on God and I heard America scream at the same time “SHUT UP, JAMEKA!” Daniele tries to leave and Jam blocks the door. LOL. Forced to stay, we see that Dicklet’s eyes are dry. Nice try, faker! Take some lessons from Amber! Jameka continues the confrontation, asking Dani what Amber’s daughter’s name is, and Dani says she knows it because she took the time to read Amber’s tattoo, so don’t even try it! That was so sweet of you, Dani! Did you notice her horrible hair change? BFF!
Jameka is mad as hell and challenges her to name three facts about the HG’s. That’s a tall order. I couldn’t even do that and I’ve been watching these fools for over a month. Amber tells her to let Dani talk. ?!?! Oh, shit, Jameka. You took it too far. Now she’s gonna get sympathy from these mindless sheep.
Sure enough, when Eric points out that she’s silently stood by Dick while he’s attacked Dustin’s sexuality, Jameka’s religion, Amber’s mothering skills and his character, Zach stands up for her, saying it’s not her job to make a fourty four year old man act mature. When Dani says she’s sick of crying all the time, she’s got Amber’s pout. Dustin says he appreciates the fact that she came to talk to them, like she just purchased a pair of shoes from him. Jameka even apologizes for making the God comment in the kitchen. Nicely played, Dicklet! The room is swayed, but our sassy little squeaker isn’t buying it.
Thank God one of you still has some brain power intellect sense.
When she’s alone in the diary room, Dani tells us that she kinda meant what she said, but she was mostly strategizing. No shit, but you should have thought of that, I don’t know, like four weeks ago. She goes to complain to her dad about what a hateful evil bitch Jameka is, and she asks him to please stop being so mean so it’s not so obvious that he was just doing it for her. He says now that she’s safe, his work here is done. He just wants to spend the remaining time he has left with her. She stays silent.
After a moment of quiet time, Dicklet does what she does best. She cries and whines and says she hates all these fake peopleeee!!!! Oh, Dani. You just pulled off some nice fakery yourself. Please just take a goddamn nap. Before Dick leaves her alone, he makes her promise that they’ll talk about their “plan for the future” before he’s out of the house. The cynic in me is saying that he’s referring to the money she probably promised to split with him if he helped her win. The other cynic is saying he’s referring to which friend’s boobies she will let him touch now that he’s helped her stay, and the other cynic’s just saying you’ve been played by your own flesh and blood, crack daddy. Don’t call her, she’ll call you. The nice person inside me tries to speak up, but the three cynical sides beat the shit out of it.
Back in the HOH suite, Jess is trying to decide who to put up. She jokingly says she should put up Dustin, and he tells her please do! IDIOT!! She says she was kidding, but he eggs her on. He really wants to go up, because he has a whole speech prepared where he’s gonna say “I stand before you as a courtesy flush to this pile of crap”. Jessica laughs and tells him that would be hilarious (if he actually had the balls to say anything to Dick’s face) and Eric laughs because this moron has just possibly earned him an easy ass paycheck.
Yo, you’ve got a bat in the cave.
Time for America’s Challenge! Eric’s eyebrows have to give the silent treatment to someone. Who will it be? Let me guess. Jenius. Nope! JESSICA! I have to say, you’re getting really awesome at this, America. Well done! Eric decides that he will accomplish this task by staying in bed for as long as possible, but Jessica is stuck on the patio with Jenius. She’s gonna need to vent soon.
Jen asks if she is gonna be put up, and Jess tells her that Dustin offered himself as a tell-off speech pawn. Jen thinks that if Dick uses the veto on himself, he’s most likely in cahoots with Dustin. That would have been an awesome strategy, but Dick and Dustin are both babies who would never be able to see past their stereotypes long enough to come up with it. It doesn’t matter that the theory makes no sense, because Jessica falls for it hook, line and sinker. When Dustin comes outside to join them, Jess jumps up and goes inside, saying she needs a drink. LOL. Stroke of Jenius! You’ve got an ally and you’ve tarnished Dustin, in less than a minute! I LOVE YOU, WOMAN!
I know you do. I love me, too.
Jess, of course, makes a beeline to Eric, who’s still in bed. He tries to brush her off by telling her that he’s sick and the medic warned him to stay away from everyone. She says that she has some juicy gossip, and he insists that he needs his rest. She leaves pissily and he closes his eyes. Duh, dumdum, it’s the silent treatment, not the lame lie treatment. You lost the money and the trust of your friend. FAILED and FAILED. He doesn’t seem to realize that he boned it, and goes back to fake sleep.
Jessica locks the door of the HOH suite behind her and talks to herself like she’s on a telenovela. She paces back and forth while dramatic music plays. “El estÃ¡ mintiendo!” She takes a long hard look at herself in the mirror as her huge tears streak her mascara down her hurt, angry face. “Â¡Ambos son!” She clutches her chest and shouts through her sobs: “Â¡Ambos tienen un reparto!” The music swells, and CLOSEUP. For those of you who don’t keep up with Telemundo, she said “both those motherfuckers have a deal with Dick!” Man, I love this show.
Â¡Nadie roba cinco dÃ³lares de mÃ y consigue lejos con Ã©l!
Poor girl. She’s dumb, but she’s not dumb enough to believe Eric’s “I saw a medic” bs. Her feelings are hurt that he lied to her and she cries. AWWWW!! She gets into bed and continues talking to herself. Who should she put up? Stefano! Put up Stefano DiMera and Salem has a chance of being safe FOREVER!!
The HG’s convene for the ceremony after Dick performs a sonnet for us about using his power for good and not evel. “MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!” I love that he’s doing a teary eyed, sensitive father monologue while he wears a shirt advertising a brothel.
He gives Dani a chance to plead her case, and she just says he should do what he thinks is best. Just for the record, sweet, innocent little Dicklet hasn’t even once suggested that he not sacrifice himself for her. Even now, when she knows for sure he’s going to. I’m just saying. She could at least pretend to be selfless.
Dick follows through on his promise (AAAWWWWW!!! sniffle), and Jess puts Dustin up. HAH SUCKA! One thing’s for sure. I’m happy with whatever happens on Thursday night. Long live BIG BROTHER!
Is it me, or has he stuffed the front of his pants today?