Previously on Big Brother, Zach cockblocked America’s eyebrows, Nick proved that he was just a big teenage girl all along, and God totally screwed Amber over.
I’ll trade you my kid for the veto.
The veto meeting has ended, and Dani is still wearing what looks like the 70′s wallpaper my Meemaw had in her “powder room” back when I was a kid. This choice initially brings the word “brave” to mind, but when she whines “seriously, I’m sooorrry!” seconds after putting Jenius on the block because “some people here really care about the money,” and she “would hate to steal away their chances,” the whole getup looks fake and tacky. Like a nanny doesn’t need hundreds of thousands of dollars. This broke ass girl irons letters to five-for-one tanks from Costco. You “stole” away her chances of buying a real live heat press. Go to Hell, Flipper!
Meemaw’s powder room makes you look fat.
Jenius is rattled, and you can tell cuz she’s nervously nursing her bottle of water. I’d love to play poker with this chick. She tells us that when she’s still there next week (I dunno, sweets), the Dicklets will be her targets for the rest of the game. Way too little, way too late, Jenius. You got into bed with the slimy Dicks and now you’re just another scab to be picked off. I loved you. Why did you do this to me??
Jen tries to blow some steam off in the gym. I’ve never seen the treadmill move that fast and I have to look around to make sure it’s even the same room. I’m used to seeing Amber moping along on the machine like she’s on one of those automatic sidewalk things in airports. Dick, never one to just shut his stupid nicotine, coffee, and most likely unbrushed teeth slime filled mouth, comes in to tell her that she deserves to be on the block because she has admitted to not being a greedy, money driven bitch. Everyone resents the fact that she claims she doesn’t care about the money, according to him. She just answers “uh, no.” I’m telling you, she should be a lawyer. How can you argue with “uh, no”? Dick doesn’t know how to. She tells him she’s confident that Daniele won’t get the votes, and he looks at her in that amused/confused way we all do. He calls her a bitter bitch and leaves her to mechanically and confidently pound on the treadmill in Jenbot mode, completely unfazed by his abuse as usual.
Watch out, Chen. There’s a new bot in town.
The workout calmed Jenius down enough to come into the HOH suite and talk it out with Dicklet. And by talk it out I mean play with her hair and roll her eyes a lot. Jen and Daniele scenes are my favorite. Jen’s all “so like, huh?” And then Dani’s like “you’re like really like a strong competitor like me and you don’t like my brother soooo….”and Jen’s all “yeah.” Big smile hair twirl chair swivel. “But like I helped you and your brother last week and it was like hard for me to do that…I’m leaking? WTF?” and Dicklet’s all like “throw me a fish” and Jen does and Dani’s all “we’re like totally the best one’s here” and Jen’s like “yeah.” And then Dicklet goes “it’s not personal” and Jen rolls her eyes and smiles and goes “I dunno.” Hair twirl. Well have fun on your journey!” and Dani’s like “ok! Bye!” This has been yet another hard hitting debate on Meet the Press. Thanks for watching.
Yay! I’m crying!
Jen tells us that she’s really mad at the Dicks but she always gets the last laugh cuz she’s always having fun! Even when she’s t-crying! Giggle giggle. Leaking, stuttering…malfunctioning? Sure enough, as time passes, the wear and tear is finally starting to take effect. On the patio, she tells Jameka and Dick that she’s considering not going to the sequester house, and who can blame her?
Come on in! The water’s warm! And infected!
Jameka is appalled that someone could “denegrade” the game everyone else holds in such high regard by taking it all so lightly. Do what Jesus did and have a glass of wine, Jameka. You’re getting on my nerves. Jen says if she refused to go to the house, she would only lose her vote in the end so why put herself through a month of smelling Dustin? Dick blows smoke in her face and she musters up the courage to deliver her usual profoundly staggering defense: “What. Ever”. She gets up and tries to look easy breezy as she goes inside, but she’s obviously starting to get pissed. FINALLY. She goes to her room and starts packing her stuff. When she hears Dick come back inside, she hides a bag behind the couch. What the hell?
A sad piano song tinkers on while Dick rifles through her empty drawers. He stalks her to the kitchen and questions her about her missing stuff, but she blows him off. She’s concentrating on cooking three turkey burgers. HAHA! Oh, man. She’s on slop! Her middle finger is way up now, and I am falling deeper and deeper in love. Dick goes to the patio and grins smugly as he tells the other HG’s that she’s already packed and cooking. She comes out to say “hey!” and Jameka tells her to stop acting crazy before she messes up a good thing. It’s a very half-hearted protest, but I’m sure Jameka will get to cut the line in Heaven for being so honorable to her competitor. Dick mutters “crazy bitch” or something as classy and she goes back inside, but not to tend to her burgers. She’s on a mission.
She sneaks into Dick’s room with a hand cart and loads up his cases of Marlboro reds. The music isn’t sad now. She rolls the cases into the pantry and starts stomping on the packs and throwing them into the trashcan that she’s simultaneously filling with bleach. HOLY SHIT! GO, JENIUS!! She was hiding her clothes so she could carry out her evel plan without her threads having to suffer the consequences. Love it!
This ain’t my first time at the rodeo.
My heart is seriously pounding now. Damn, there are a lot of cigarettes, but she just keeps smashing and soaking like a well oiled machine. Outside on the patio, Jessica warns Dick that the smell of a woman scorned is in the air and he should make sure his cigarettes are safe. That’s some of the sharpest female intuition I’ve ever witnessed. As Jen rushes to finish every last one of Dick’s smokes, I stand up. put my sweaty palms on my head and hold my breath. GO! GO! GO! GO!
Dick comes inside and speedwalks to his bedroom. I pray all the rapid movement will induce a deathly attack on the skanky geezer’s black heart, but he makes it all the way to his empty stash without dying. Dammit. I had a vision! Where are you, God?
He has enough breath left to yell (what else?) “BITCH!” He finds her on the patio and demands to know where his cigarettes are. “What. Ever.” Come on! They’re the only thing besides heroin he’s ever committed to in his life! She stays silent and he calls her a stupid bitch as many times as he can before tearing through the house. He doesn’t find his stash, but he finds some of hers. Jessica tells Jen that if her clothes are hidden in plastic bags then Dick just took them upstairs and Jen says “that’s fucked up!” LOL, Jenius.
Dick stows her clothes in the HOH suite, telling us that he’s gonna hold them ransom til he gets his stash back. He’s dated girls like this, so he knows how to handle em. Riiight. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of skanks retaliate against your psychotic, sniveling abuse, but I highly doubt you’ve dated anyone even close to Jenius’ general hotness bracket, Dickwad. Maybe date raped. But that would require getting a date with someone that fine. Ok, raped. Wait. Did Dick just brag about raping someone? I’m too excited to make sense of it all, but at this point I wouldn’t be surprised.
Someone please put a patch in these jeans before that dirty sock falls on the floor.
He continues his search and hurls “stupid bitch” at Jen. Zzzzzzzz. Could you start throwing in a couple of c words every once in awhile just to color things up? You’ve totally desensitized everyone with “stupid bitch”. People are gonna be using it at watercoolers all across the country by the end of Summer. Happy Monday, stupid bitch! How was your weekend?
Instead of calling it a day and, I don’t know, looking for her clothes, Jen goes to the kitchen and makes herself a huge plate of food. Then she goes back to the patio and binges in front of everyone. The HG’s cannot believe their eyes, and no one likes a cheater. This was the dumbest possible thing Jenius could have done right now, but I have to press pause and wipe the tears from my eyes and gather my emotions. I have never felt so touched as I did watching Jenius scarf food like that down in public. It was like a shout out to binge eaters everywhere. HOLLA! Write a book, come out with a cd, I don’t care what it is. You do it, I will buy it and help make you rich, woman. You are a hero.
She’s called to the Diary room, where she tells us that her punishment for breaking her five hundred days of slop vow is one automatic vote against her. That’s it? It’s seems a little lax, but let’s not forget who’s sailing this ship.
Big Sister understands.
Dick comes out to the patio smoking another cigarette. Jesus, Dick, ya might wanna start rationing that shit. He calls Jen an idiot and sits right next to her, purposely exhaling in her grill, and she gets up and tells him not to blow smoke in her face. He inhales deeply and exhales slowly, in her face. And she loses it. She starts trying to slap the cigarette out of his hand and he warns her that she’s gonna get burned. Move, girl, he ain’t kidding.
Sure enough, he starts stabbing at her with his cherry and jabs her palm a couple of times. She starts crying and losing her shit. DAMMIT!! HE FINALLY BROKE HER DOWN. She’s human after all (Now get off the front stoop and take those roses to your wife, Les)!
OK, what the hell? This is not right. Get this skeevy abusive cocksucking drug addict deadbeat dad starfucker son of a bitch wanna be OUT. AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!! I cannot believe this shit is going down! Instead of intervening in the bimbo branding, Eric and Jess chill in the hot tub and watch. Fucking spineless assholes. Jameka breaks them apart and takes Jen inside, telling her to let it go. LET IT GO? All the women should be teaming up to stab Dick a hundred times. Where’s the sisterhood? ARGH! I’m starting to sound like him. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I’m locked in a padded room.
Why are you so upset? He only tried to brand you! You should be flattered!
Chenbot pops up on the screen in a Donna Reed Goes to a Funeral dress and a tight, well oiled smile. Next up, Dicklet and Amber go on Drew Carey’s new game show! Yo, bot! Have the programmers not had time to clue you in? NO ONE CARES ABOUT DREW CAREY’S LATEST ATTEMPT TO PAY HIS MORTGAGE RIGHT NOW.
Commercial. Alright. Calm down, Flipit. It’s not the TV’s fault. DON’T TAKE A HAMMER TO IT. Breathe. Don’t cry out loud. Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head. Woah Black Betty bambalam. She’s a brick house. Argh. When “Brick House” can’t pull me out of a funk, something’s seriously wrong. BRB.
Have you ever had one of those crispy chicken snack wrap things from McDonald’s? They’re totally good for you. Where were we? Oh yeah, Dick should be eliminated automatically and everyone who’s aligned with him should be held upside down by their toenails over a pit of fire that’s roasting Dicklet like a pig on a spit. Smile giggle hair twirl.
Daniele and Amber, meanwhile, take a limo to a private jet heading for New York. Daniele’s excited to meet Drew Carey. What, your fa(bro)ther hasn’t introduced you to him yet? Amber says she’s seen pictures of New York and it looks so cool there! Then the stewardess kills her buzz by putting a plate of fruit in front of her. You can practically hear her think “If being rich means eating this crap, no thank you. Where are the Ding Dongs?”
When they get to the show, a smarmy British guy explains the rules of the show, which basically consist of randomly guessing percentages. They look a little scared, but he assures them that they won’t need brains. Phew. Time for makeup! Getting her face done by a pro makes Amber feel like she’s really somebody, and she tells the makeup girl that with her great personality, she’s sure the audience is just gonna love her. Yeah, you’re a regular Sandy Bullock. Dumbass. Each player will have a “special mystery guest” to help them out with the game. Amber’s shrink is standing by for her with a shot of cow tranquilizers just in case and Daniele gets…surprise! Nick! His mowhawk has grown into a softer, gentler, way douchier faux. Homely Boyfriend must be feeling awesome right now. I always wanted to see Nick naked, but his allegiance to Dicklet has totally turned me off tonight. Softie by proxie.
Drew announces the girls and the audience applauds politely. Amber dances around and shakes her underarms at them, trying to get them riled up, but it just makes them uncomfortably quiet. Wear sleeves, for chrissakes. You’re on TV. The bot cuts us off. HEY! We have to watch the show Tuesday to find out if they won! Uh, pass. Put those bitches on Survivor and maybe. I might be able to stomach watching Amber looking at Dicklet like she’s dinner while the threat of a violent death by wild animal looms overhead, but subjecting myself to a show where these morons get another chance to win a huge amount of money for doing absolutely nothing? As Jenius would say, “uh, no.”
Back to Big Brother. The HG’s are all convened for Elimination and Chen asks Amber and Daniele what they learned on their trip. Dani thanks the show for the amazing opportunity and Amber says she digested the medication her shrink shoved down her gullet “cleared her head” and learned a lot about life. On Drew Carey’s game show. Oy. Now for some very serious business, Chenbot asks Jenius how it feels to be the first person in 8 seasons to tell Big Brother to go fuck himself. Jen says she was mad at the show, so she ate. Score another one for our team.
The bot almost turns away from the screen like she’s done, but another question prints out of her hand.
Reboot. Eric’s Eyebrow’s, do you have a fetish for dressing like a chick?
He shouts his answer like he’s trying to communicate with her through a closed window and laughs with his big horse face. Yes. Moving on. Time for alone time with Dani. The bot asks why she’s wearing so many unflattering oversized clothes. Dicklet says that she doesn’t want to look like a scarecrow cuz scarecrows are weak and she plans on being strong enough to screw over her fa(bro)ther in the finale. Aw, family.
Jen and Jameka are given their alloted time to plead their cases. Jenius sticks up her middle finger and Jameka does an imitation of Johnny Cochran.
“I hope that with that giving you my word you all can see some individual benefits with that.”
Time for voting. Amber starts tugging that gd necklace and I hit FF. Sorry, but do we have any doubt that every single vote will be against Jenius? Wait a second. Pause. Can Chenbots get knocked up?
Please insert a blank disc.
As expected, it’s unanimous. Even America voted against Jen! Damn you America! And damn you Big Brother! Jameka, Amber, Zach and Daniele all give her fake awkward hugs as she takes her hot pants and her huge smile to the door. Eric shouts “Jen, as glad as you are to be leaving, we’re happier to see you go.” Oh shut up, you twitchy midget. Jen smiles hugely and says “That’s perfect!” Man, I hate that it’s ending this way for her, but she did it to herself the second she trusted the Dicks. When she leaves the house, she sees the Julie and says “Look! Real people!” LOL, Jenius, but wrong again.
The bot gives the HG’s time to trash Jen and call her bitch and blah blah blah. Dicklet says that Jen told her “thanks for having my back”. HAHAHA. Dammit, Jen. Come baaaack!!!! Chenbot goes over the Jenius non reactions to Dick’s abuse and suggests they might be from the same factory in Japan. She pokes Jen with her pointing finger and a droplet of blood forms on her bicep. Nope, sorry! It’s a lonely life, bot. Someday Les will take that padding out of your pooch and build you a real baby bot, until then you’re just gonna have to soldier on alone. Deal with it. She asks if Jen thinks Dick was behaving like his true self or if his dickishness was strategy. Jenius replies that either way, his behavior is inappropriate. Well said.
And now, the Vagina Monologues! Every pussy in the house gets one! The spotlight shines on Jameka first. She thought Jen was a vapid self centered moron at first, but then realized later that she didn’t have bad intentions. Eric is all love and hearts and says he hopes he can come along on her Melrose shoe shopping trip with Kail. Hypocrite liar douche bag big bird jackass. Dick, as usual, says that she deserved it in that smug, self satisfied way he kisses off everyone with. What, no final threat to skull rape her for old time’s sake? HATE. Zach grandstands about integrity, like he’s got a chance to still be standing in the end. “See you in a month!” More like in the next couple of weeks, tiny pee. Amber says that her “first impression on you” wasn’t very good, but Jen turned out to be beautiful on the inside and out. I have to note that Amber is still wearing her makeup from the Drew Carey show. Wash your face, you fat whiny fake. Are my feelings clear here? I was called a fat bitch a couple weeks ago in the comments for disliking sweet little Dustin. Well guess what? This one episode has made me ten times fatter and bitchier, so suck it.
This circus ends without one mention of the cigarette attack. That figures. Back to business! I think we all learned something here today. Burning someone you don’t like, threatening to rape them. and being an abusive misogynist is ok, but bingeing on contraband turkey burgers is evil and unacceptable. Got it? Now, go take on the day!
The HOH competition will be true or false questions about the evicted HGs. When the players get the answers wrong, Jenius will press a button that sends them falling into tanks of ice cold water. Jessica instinctively reaches for the Valley Girl Claw on top of her head, which has grown out and been molded into some kind of ugly meringue like formation. Eric’s the first one out, followed by Amber and Zach.
Sorry you had to lose your fancy shmancy face. Back to being a nobody.
Jen cheers when she gets to dunk Dick, which means Jessica has won again!! I suppose out of everyone left, I hate her the least right now, so kinda yay. The hair pie survives. The Dicks, Zach, and Eric’s eyebrows hoot and holler, and God rolls his eyes. Amber and Jameka are gonna be up his ass all week.
Epilogue: Sorry if my vitriol was a bit much to suffer through this week, but I write these as I watch the show, and my reactions are spontaneous. As you can tell, I was pretty disgusted by what went down tonight, and am mortified that Dick not only got away with his behavior AGAIN, but was supported and practically cheered on by the other HG’s. I will take a couple Vicodin before the next recap with a glass of wine. Promise. HEART.