Did you know that being boring helps build muscle mass and strengthens your bones? This is also how Kail avoids osteoporosis.
Previously on Big Brother: Dick was cool. Then he turned into a giant, grizzled freshman psychology major, pretending that he was the smartest one in the room while he waited for his RA to fall asleep so that he could sneak a case of Milwaukee’s Best into his dorm room. Drinking is awesome and makes you feel like a grown up! Name dropping famous people does too!The Chenbot is dressed for sorority rush tonight in a peach twin set and white pants. She’s missing a necklace altogether, meaning that she has now abandoned the strategy of making her head look smaller by wearing a giant necklace forged by cavemen every week. It also means she’s not wearing any pearls, though, which is going to piss off the Tri-Delts. Now she’s not going to get in.
She’ll never get to be a trophy wife now! Oh, wait.
Julie Chen tells us that it’s Day 27 for the Houseguests as she recounts Mike’s idiotic rise to the nomination couch. Seriously, was that dumb, or what? Jen hilariously decides to save herself in black and white. I feel so bad about loving her. I keep typing “I’m sorry, you guys, but I love her” every time she does anything, and then I have to erase it, because I’ve already told you that her signature brand of dimwitted, straightforward shenanigans has stolen my heart. Well, that and the fact that she realizes how ridiculous all of this is, as illustrated by her conversation with herself last week. She’s so good for the show. Love her!
Up in the HOH room after the Veto Ceremony, Dick and Nick settle on voting out Mike. They think he’s a greater threat because Kail is such a mess. I’m not sure I’d agree with that. Kail sucks at competitions, but she’s constantly gaming and trying to convince people of things, whereas Mike tends to hang out and eat sandwiches. I know Kail pretty much has no game, but why leave her in the house to stir shit up when you could leave Mike there, doing nothing?
Dick takes the plan to Jameka and Dustin, and they quickly agree to get rid of Mike. Jameka says it’s because she feels threatened by him, but I sort of don’t get that. Maybe it’s something we haven’t seen? On the hammock, Kail asks Jen if she is doomed or not. And who better to ask than the person who is largely hated by ninety percent of the house? You can tell that Jen really has her pulse on current affairs when she’s not in the Big Brother house. Ask her about her stance on the Iraq war!
Mike tells us in confessional that he hopes that everyone saw what kind of person he was due to his actions at the Veto competition. Um, a stupid one? He tells us that he wanted to be viewed as “true and trustworthy” which is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. These people are playing a game, they’re not on the field of battle in Colonial Virginia. If you were playing Monopoly with a bunch of people, and one of your friends landed on Boardwalk, which had a hotel on it, would you pay the rent and bankrupt yourself for that person just because they’re your friend? Because that’s what Mike did here, and that’s dumb. Watch out for your own ass, bro. It’s not a morality play, you are not some character in A Streetcar Named Desire. It’s Big Brother. Jebus.
Eric goes to get his America’s Player directive, which is, unsurprisingly, to vote Kail out of the house. But Mike’s BORING! Isn’t that worse than being sort of an ignorant hag? I’d rather hang out with a bunch of assholes than a bunch of boring people. By the way, if any of my friends are reading this, I’d like to take a moment to say ‘whatup’.
So, Eric goes to work trying to get Kail voted out of the house. He suggests a ‘meeting’ wherein the people in his alliance (Dick, Amber, Dustin, Jameka, and himself) can meet to discuss what to do. In the HoH room, Eric tries to lay down some pretty convincing arguments for getting rid of Kail, but Dick interrupts by retreating to the HoH bathroom to lay down a barrage of farts. Dustin starts laughing (I think he would be fun to hang out with, as long as somebody could detach Amber from him first), and Jameka makes a variety of disgusted faces as Dick unleashes the contents of his colon into her airspace. She’s lucky he didn’t wait until she was sleeping, crawl into her bed, and Dutch Oven her. Because that’s what I would have done.
“I believe that this odor may, perhaps, constitute some sort of criminal endeavor towards my person.”
I love how Jameka talks exactly like a Southern Lawyer sometimes. Hey, at least Dick sprays some Oust around, though, right?
That Dick. Always so considerate.
As Eric makes the argument that Kail will be a more active player in the game than Mike ever would, Daniele rings the doorbell and joins the discussion. For those of you hating on her weight, she is straight-up chowing on a bag of chips throughout the entire scene. As she enters, Amber magically appears in the room as well. Can she teleport? I’d like to put forward the theory that her tears are magic, much like a dragon’s.
After the scene concludes, Julie tells us that later, we’ll be meeting Daniele’s cuckolded boyfriend. I’m…not looking forward to that. We’re also going to meet Jen’s mom. I am looking forward to that! BUT FIRST, let’s see what various peeps have to say in the diary room. Zach talks a lot, but the gist of it is that he would like you to know that he’s really smart. (Hint: He’s not.) Dustin says that Mike has the personality of a “dead fish”. I don’t know, Billy Big Mouth Bass has been the hit of a lot of parties that I’ve been to. Man, that guy can sing. Dustin says something else about being “silent but deadly”. I’m going to let you write your own obvious joke involving Dick and the phrase “silent but deadly”. It’s like Mad Libs here today, fools! Enjoy that shit. It is my gift to you.
Back from commercial, it’s time to talk to the houseguests. Julie says hi, and they’re all like “Hey, girrrrl!” which is pretty funny, but you can sort of see Julie thinking, “Call me a girl again and I will defeat you all. Bow to your robot overlord!”
Julie plays tape of Zach streaking while the rest of them laugh about it in a friendly way. His hair is incredibly dumb as he gives Julie some lame response about it. I quit paying attention and begin praying that they ask Jen what she thought of it. “I don’t know, it was…nice?”
Chen moves on and asks Jameka what she thinks about all of the people who draw attention to themselves in the house. Again, Chen loves addressing Jameka, pronouncing it like it’s written in all caps with an exclamation point and a smiley on the end. Jameka gives a canned response, giving props to the CBS casting agents and talking about how good they are at picking people to be on the show. She does not finish that statement with “Well, except for season four.”
Julie turns her attention to Jen for the third straight week (Yes!), which Jen cannot believe. Chen asks Jen about the mustard incident and whether she has any current suspects. Jen shrugs Julie’s question off, managing to answer in a complete sentence this time (dammit), therefore avoiding yet more live show embarrassment. Eric (sporting a popped collar, AGAIN) gets asked about the wrestling match. Specifically, what it feels like to be beaten by a girl. Dude, did Rocky from Survivor: Fiji write these questions or something?
And now, it’s time to meet Daniele’s boyfriend. His name is Kris, and he would like you to know that he trusts Daniele, and that she told him not to worry before she went into the house because she would be faithful. The whole interview is intercut with scenes of Nick telling Daniele that he is “in like” with her, Nick caressing Daniele’s face, Daniele and Nick spooning, and Daniele and Nick possibly kissing under the covers. The whole thing is sort of creepy and gross, and it makes me feel bad for this dude. I can’t make fun of this guy, because he looks like he’s seconds from crying throughout the whole interview. The segment makes me dislike Nick even more than I already do, and it also makes me dislike Daniele quite a bit. Moving on! Plus, it’s not like he’s dating Allison or anything. Now THERE’S a guy you can make fun of.
We’re back with Julie, who’s already got Dick up in the HOH bedroom. Dick expresses some happiness over getting a hug from Daniele, and then Julie asks him how he feels about the Nick/Daniele situation, but she uses the words “Mike and Erika”, which gives me Vietnam War flashbacks. Dick tells Julie that he would get rid of Nick right now if he could, just to be safe. I think that would be a prudent strategic move, honestly. Then Chen asks Dick whether his tendency to call people out is emotion or strategy. Dick responds by making a lame joke about needing a headlamp to get out of Kail’s brain or something. Watch out for Dick! He will spelunk YOUR MIND, yo.
Time to meet Jen’s family! This is her mom, Anita:
See the resemblance? I totally do. They could be twins!
It’s pretty uncanny. Anyway, Anita tells us that Jen is actually a lot smarter than she’s been letting on and that she just doesn’t make a very good first impression. We get a flashback to the “Jen cries over her memory wall photo” segment, which I now watch in all of my spare time (well, that and Amber getting hit in the face with a tetherball. Now whenever I get a text message, my ringtone is Amber, getting hit in the face with a tetherball. True story). Jen’s friend Kara tells us that Jen got upset because she’s a model, and she’s used to looking at her photos and judging herself, and she tends to be a bit harsh sometimes. Dick (who has meticulously chosen every aspect of the way he looks, from his tattoos to his poseur-y red highlights to the t-shirt that says “Evil Doer”, purposefully referencing his own nickname, sharing absolutely no parallels with anyone else participating in this conversation) tells Jen that she’s a little too concentrated on her appearance for her own good. Thanks, Dick! Such selfless advice. Which does not apply to you at all.
I also own a shirt that says “Pot/Kettle” on the front. It’s rad. It was given to me by the drummer for Winger. I was their tour manager at the time.
Back in the studio, Julie gives the houseguests some final words. Mike stands up and immediately lauches into the Gettysburg Address of Morality Speeches, talking all about what character he has and how brave he is and how he shouldn’t be punished for being so awesome. The Chenbot Countdown Clock reaches zero somewhere in the middle of this, and Julie almost has to activate his shock collar to get him to shut up. (On a side note, next season’s twist should be that the houseguests have to wear shock collars.) Kail (who has chosen a similar color scheme as Julie for tonight’s live show, revealing once and for all that the only store in her Oregon town is J.C. Chenney) stands up and immediately starts blubbering about everything, clearly expecting to be evicted.
Zach gets to vote first, and he votes to evict Kail. Julie gets very excited because JAMEKA! is next, and she votes to get rid of Mike. Jen is still waffling right before she casts her vote, but ultimately votes to evict Mike. Dustin walks into the Diary Room wearing a fake moustache, talking like an 1920′s short film villain. He should have stroked his moustache when he was voting to evict Mike, that would have been awesome.
The Charlie Chaplin of the Gay Silent Film Industry, everybody
Eric is up next; since he’s already voted via America to evict Kail, Julie asks him who he’d like to start a romance with, should America be asked that question. Eric says that he’ll pretty much do anyone, boy or girl. Well, no one’s going to touch you with that collar popped, bro. Amber is next, and she votes to evict Mike. And guess what? She does it while pushing her necklace up in the lens of the camera. She would like you to know that she loves her kid. Just thought I’d put it out there. I wasn’t sure whether you knew. After all, she hasn’t really mentioned it yet.
Nick is next, and I’m going to let this speak for itself:
Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Found Me Attractive: Fuck Off. Love, Nick.
Nick votes to evict Mike, who is still outside giving his goodbye speech. Daniele votes to evict Mike too, as does Jessica. Schoonie’s weekly Jessica Live Show Hotwatch continues unabated this week; there are some hair issues, but overall I continue to find her attractive. Eat me, conscience!
So, Mike is evicted by an 8-2 vote. On his way out of the house, he picks the flowers from the pot by the door and distributes them to all of the ladies in the house. I’m sorry, but I found that incredibly show-y and stupid. He would just like everyone to know what a chivalrous, virtuous, awesome white knight of a person he is. Get off my TV, you’re boring!
As he exits the house and gets mic’d up, we cut back into the house, where Dick is already lambasting Jen over the extra vote for Kail (that actually came from America/Eric). Jen continues to truthfully deny that she did it, but because she is so straightforward about everything and has only one tone of voice, she seems insincere and Dick is clearly not buying it. Eric stands off in the corner and tries to look inconspicuous, hiding his face behind his popped collar. Just as it gets interesting, we cut back to Chen and Mike. Go back to the house, that was good! This guy is a snore.
Julie asks Mike why he’s such a dumbass, and Mike (of course) says that it’s not that he’s a dumbass, it’s just that he’s awesome. Silence! Dick and Jen are fighting inside. How do I change the channel or feed or whatever? Less boring Mike, more awesome Jen and Dick. Julie almost falls asleep during his answer. Like, you can see her ending all her processes and getting ready to make the log off noise that your computer makes when it shuts down. Mike’s video goodbyes are surprisingly awesome and passive-aggressive. Dustin gets awesomer when he tells Mike that he’s boring and that there’s not much to him. Man, if he didn’t hang out with Amber so much, he might be my favorite. Jen does the whole, “Hi, it’s Jen” thing again, which I love. When the videos end, Julie doesn’t even ask him how he feels or anything (answer: virtuous), she just segues right into the commercials. If you would like to see more of Mike, you can watch The Early Show. Mike is the only thing that would make The Early Show MORE boring, so good going, CBS.
The HoH competition is one of my favorites. Julie is going to ask a question about the three evicted houseguests, and the first person to buzz in with the correct answer gets to eliminate one of the other players. If you answer wrong, you yourself are out. Eric gets the first question right and knocks Jen out. Dustin gets the next one and gets rid of Zach. Nick knocks out Kail and then Jameka knocks him out. Dustin gets another question right and knocks out Jessica. Eric gets a whole run of questions right and leaves only himself, Dustin, and Jameka in the game. At this point he gets really pumped that he’s doing well, buzzes in too early on the next question, guesses incorrectly, and gets himself knocked out. He also gets a scolding from the Chenbot- you need to let her execute all of her commands before you buzz in, humanoid, or she will enslave your entire species. He also may have thrown it, but I’m not sure. He wouldn’t have tried so hard if he hadn’t wanted it, I don’t think.
So now only Jameka and Dustin are left. Dustin answers the last question correctly, so he is the new Head of Household. He takes a moment to celebrate, and most people (read: everyone but Zach) seems really excited about this development, which means that at least one person is about to be really disappointed. Amber is so excited that she starts baking soft pretzels for the entire house in celebration. Just kidding, she cries!
Julie has some extra time because she exterminated super-boring Mike early for being super-boring, so Julie asks Dustin what he thinks Joe is doing right now, watching this development. Dustin brushes her off because he is obviously sick of having to deal with Joe, so he starts talking about how happy he is to be HoH while Amber sits next to him and rocks the Right Hand Man Smirk of How Fucked Is Everyone But Me. Can’t stand her! Julie asks yet another Joe question at Dustin, who tells us that he feels like he doesn’t have to defend himself as much now that Joe’s gone (except to Julie, who is constantly attacking him with the threat of Joe). Also, Joe. And Joe. Joe!
So, I think Dustin as HoH will be a good development for the show as far as the drama is concerned, but I am personally disappointed because this means yet another week in which I will have to deal with Amber’s presence. I also really hope that this doesn’t go to his head, because he seems maybe one of those people that could be a little prone to start talking about how he hopes that a “good person” wins the game, and then knocking out the people that he judges to be unworthy instead of the people that it would benefit him strategically to see leave. I hope the power doesn’t go to his head.
In an interesting development as we head to the credits, Nick hugs Kail and Jen, and Jen looks up at him and says “I can’t believe she did that!” (meaning Jameka knocking him out of the competition) and Nick says, “I know, I can’t either,” walking away with a purpose. Does Nick smell a rat? Or is it maybe just his moustache? What do you think?