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Tonight’s Big Brother can be summed up in two words – well, two hyphenated words plus another word, in any case: Eighty-Two Percent. Take that in, everybody. First an eight, then a two, then a percent. If there was any question as to just how much America loved Kaysar (and absolutely hated Eric), it was answered tonight. On behalf of all of us here at TVgasm, we want to thank you for helping make the rest of the season all that much more enjoyable. And on a personal note, you have restored my faith in a higher power. After all, it couldn’t just be an accident that Kaysar is back in the house. Somebody heard our prayers (and screams) and put Kaysar back in the house. Let’s call it the Chen Corollary to Intelligent Design. Well, now that we have all of that out of the way, is there any reason to stick around for the rest of the recap? Well, of course; this is TVgasm, after all.Depending on how long you have been following the TVgasm recaps of Big Brother, you know that we have a particular affinity with Julie Chen. Some might call her our obsession. The Chenbot is wonderful, and we have added a new level to our Chentensive look at the summer months with aDict-CHEN-ary (my apologies for not populating this particular post more, but it is worth a look). But among our old-time fascinations with Julie was the camel toe. Our host is a fashonista, or at least her programmers dream that she will be one, but every now and then, those slim pants reveal a little more than we bargained for.
Perhaps all of our somewhat disturbing fixations with the camel toe has had an effect? I am not going to say for sure, but Julie has not even been close to wearing anything that could give us our little show. That is until tonight! Julie had a nice pair of pants, that you could tell would be really clingy, not to mention a nice little top that hugged her quite nicely. But wait! Look at the rest of the top! Did she ask her designers to make a sexy, sheer, form-fitting apron? What is the deal with the flap in the front that covers the camel toe-ish region we have all been waiting for? Is it something from the maternity section of Nordstrom’s? Julie, don’t you see our hearts still yearn? And just like that, Toe Watch 2005 is entering another week. Please Julie, just one more time, we desperately need it.
There was a bunch of other things going on in the actual house apart from Chenbot, who surprisingly was in tip top shape, hardly ever flubbing a word, with mistakes down to a minimum. Les Moonves is probably letting her get some sleep on Wednesday nights, choosing to have one day of rest from what is sure to be a fantastic Chen-boink routine. The big news from the time of the Veto ceremony and the renomination was swirling around Ivette. We all knew that Sarah was a goner, but as Ivette says, nothing is set in stone. I don’t know about that Ivette, if you eat some more, they might make a monument to your GIGANTIC ASS.
Although she had “volunteered” herself, Ivette was not that happy with the nominations. It may surprise some of you, but I can kind of see how she was feeling. She offered her name only after April complained that she would hear it from James all week. I think that the person we would have been hearing about all week would have been April, because she already can’t shut up. She passes so much gossip, I can’t wait to see what happens when she is backed into a corner and has to defend herself off of the block. I hear there is a pretty good self defense class at her nursing home, although sometimes she skips it in favor of aerobics in the pool.
Anyway, Ivette was expecting some sort of recognition from her teammates, like a hug or a pat on the back or a helpful tug on that short skirt she likes to wear. Instead, nobody would talk to her except for Beau, and April made like white on rice for the HOH room. Suddenly, Ivette realized that she may not have numbers. What happens if Jennifer and April are in it with Howie and Rachel to take her out?
Meanwhile, April continued her smear campaign about Ivette. Now, I am guessing that April is doing this largely as a hedge against losing power. If the “Sovereign Five” as the Kaysar alliance has been called, is in power, they will be looking at Ivette, Beau, and Maggie instead of April and Jennifer. She goes on about how Ivette always runs to James about her problems, and then there is that uncertainty. With Sarah, you know she is going to be with James. Ivette is a loose cannon, and as Howie has been fond of saying all week, you can’t have those types in the house. Now, much like the plan to get rid of James, all of this had be discussed among as few people as possible for it to be effective. Maggie might tell Ivette, so all of this has to be low key. But where is Jennifer? Oh, exercising with Maggie? No problem there. Or is there?
Right after April says “I hope she doesn’t tell Maggie,” Big Brother makes the marvelous cut showing the two women working out, and Jennifer talking strategy. I am not sure about Jennifer sometimes. Cute face, nice boobs, and all that cart-wheeling ability means she probably has agility in lots of the activities she tries. But man, she is also pretty dumb. She tells Maggie about the plan, like it is privileged information. It’s sort of like that first Christmas when your parents told you the truth about Santa Clause. You really played along with your younger siblings and probably thought you were really smooth, but you were actually very obvious. She’s like “Think about it Maggie, who is more powerful? James and Sarah, or James and Ivette?” I’m sure she was expecting Maggie to say “Oh wow! You are sooooo right!”, but Maggie takes it as a warning sign and goes right back to Ivette. God, I really love this cast, all of their schemes really go to shit in no time at all.
Maggie sees how scared Ivette is, and decides she is going to figure out what the hell is going on, so she steps outside and decides to nonchalantly sunbathe with Jennifer and April. Watching Maggie lay out reminded me of a fat little baby seal out of its element; it also made me want to club baby seals. She asks them what the deal is and if she is “missing the boat on something big.” Maggie may have missed the boat, but from where I’m standing, she always catches the gravy train and you know we couldn’t miss her huge ass. April and Jennifer, who aren’t accustomed to be challenged in such a way, know they don’t want to lie, but they don’t want to answer Maggie either. April says to Jennifer “Answer, because I don’t want to answer,” and Jennifer didn’t answer because she wanted to think. Maggie actually answered all of our questions by telling them their silence is telling her as much as she needed to know.
Julie had her first interview with the houseguests, and asked some fairly lame questions to Maggie, Rachel, and James, and once again asked Beau a question as well. Beau is so boring, they ask him a question every week just so we know he is still there. This time, he messed up horribly on a simple question about peanut butter and jelly. When Julie asked him if he would rather have PB&J or a week of desserts, which doesn’t seem like a tough question to me, but maybe James is gay so he has to worry about his weight? Whatever it was, he was like, “Desserts, because well, at least with peanut butter and jelly [inner monologue: shit what was I going to say] oh, well, I think I’m sweet, so I’ll pick sweets.” The worst part about Beau is not that he is boring, but that you know he is going to hang around a long time because people don’t see him as a threat. Perhaps when the “floater backlash” happens in a week or two.
We got our little interviews with the houseguests before they voted, and the producers were really trying to build a case for us to believe Ivette had a chance, which basically means Sarah had no chance. When we came back from commercials, Julie interviewed Howie about his decisions as HOH. He admitted how difficult it was to be HOH and I am sure that given the chance, he’ll let Rachel think for him the next time. As it was he was hoping that Kaysar came back, because Howie was getting headaches thinking for himself. He also had another Howie paraphrase of a well-known phrase by saying “quicker or sooner” instead of “sooner or later” [thanks for the reminder Angie], but hey, his brain has been working on its own going on seven days! Hey male stripper stereotypes, why don’t you stick around for a while? Howie kind of rambled on for a bit, which brings me to one of my favorite Chenbot functions – the interruption laugh. Whenever somebody is talking too long, she interjects with a few giggles, maybe a chuckle, before she gets back to business. Sort of like a “ha ha ha ha ha ha… NOW SHUT UP ASSHOLE.” She had to pull this one off on Howie, and it wouldn’t be the last one of the night.
Once again, we got a few more interviews. Rachel said that if she didn’t vote Ivette out, Ivette, Eric, and Maggie would have made a strong team. Wow, sort of like that strong team you would have had if you hadn’t turned on James. And if Maggie was such a threat, why not, you know, NOMINATE HER? Maggie meanwhile said that getting rid of Sarah would make James weaker, but I am not so sure. Whenever you corner somebody, their instinct is to fight back, and I think getting rid of Sarah is going to give James hella motivation to cause trouble the rest of the way, for both sides of the house. I think James may get nominated a few more times, but only because it means he can’t vote, and he will be a swing vote.
They didn’t even give us a commercial break before they got back to the evictions. In their speeches, Sarah rambled on about James, and Ivette said a very important thing “Actions are louder than words,” which gave Howie an “oh shit” look on his face, perhaps realizing James really didn’t do anything against him other than talk. It was no surprise when Sarah was evicted, by a vote of six to one. I am surprised Janelle didn’t throw her name in there, but she has really been playing it low. A lot of other people have put themselves out there as targets, and she can afford to really be a swing vote now. I must note that Sarah, although she was completely blind-sided this week, had enough decency to say goodbye to everybody, even those who voted her out. Why was that so hard for that upstanding pillar of the community, Eric?
Sarah is so devoted to James, I expected the floodgates to come pouring open when it came time for the Chenterrogation. She asked for some tissues, and Julie told her she had plenty to go around. Ahh, the heartwarming Aunt Julie programming is still there. Julie is keeping the interview short because we have more important things to get to. Cut to the James interview, and Sarah really keeping it under control. James was crying, and I do think we saw a different side of him, at least with regards to their relationship, but was it just me or was there something mechanical about the way he delivered it. I’m not saying it was fake emotion, but it seemed like the pauses were regular and well-planned, like he was reading them off of his hand. As for Sarah, she expects to be with James forever, but like a good girlfriend, doesn’t mention marriage on the air to millions of viewers. Instead, she will go back home, where she’ll watch the tapes of the show, and promptly decide to break up with James after she sees what he said about her.
Now it was the part of the show that we have all been waiting for. Well, I guess you guys aren’t really waiting for it in the recap since I already told you about it in the opening paragraph, but god, the anticipation was nearly killing us all in the TVgasm offices. For various reasons, we didn’t start the official viewing until sometime around 9:30 Pacific, meaning that we had to have a complete media blackout or risk hearing a spoiler. We were first treated to the houseguests talking about how much each player would really change the game if they re-entered. The Friendship was positive that Eric would win America’s heart. Ivette once again made it painfully clear. It was Janelle, however, who described exactly what America actually felt about the midget. I would ruin it by trying to describe it in words, so here it is in video form:
And if that wasn’t good enough, she followed that up by saying “Didn’t America see him storming through the house and throwing tantrums like a small child?!” Janelle, WE LOVE YOU. After picking myself up off of the floor, I was able to listen to the rest, including Janelle pining about Michael.
So, who was coming in the house? It was Michael! That joke might have gone better if I, you know, hadn’t ruined the surprise. No it was Eric. (See two sentences ago). No, it was Kaysar! Actually, it was all three. The three guys sat on a couch next to Julie. The looks on all of their faces when they came in and saw each other was amazing. Michael and Eric sort of made up on TV, although I don’t believe a second of it. But looking at Michael’s face sitting next to Eric, he was so happy to see Eric got evicted after how he acted getting rid of Michael.
Finally, we get to hear who is going in. But first! Julie patches them into the houseguests, and tells them that she is going to read the names of the top two vote getters. Eric was first, and then Kaysar, sending Michael home. I guess America didn’t really care about Janelle’s love story with Michael. The two guys went outside to wait in front of the house, and we got a good look at just how miniature Eric is. If there was an angry, juiced Hummel collectible, they probably used Eric as the model. Julie then shut off the mics and told them that they will see whose exile will end when the doorbell rings. Once again, we are made to wait, this time with Julie becoming Chencrest, and telling us we’ll have the results after the break.
Just as I am about to call my, uh, pharmacist to refill my methadone “prescription,” Julie comes back and tells us that Kaysar wins. Once again, he received 82% of the vote. I am happy to say that TVgasm played a part, however small it may have been, in getting that 82% of the vote. Those are some gaudy numbers. Maybe George Soros should hire us next time he’s looking to buy some votes. For millions less than it takes to run America Coming Together, we’ll be just as effective. (Seriously though, for those that volunteered, keep up the good fight.) But I digress. Kaysar rang the bell, and when he walked in the door, the rest of his alliance went ballistic. There was no “What up Kay-SAR!” chant, but he was basically mugged as soon as he got in, falling back onto the floor.
It was great to see everybody so happy. Janelle was so happy, and you could tell that Howie was already relieved his thinking days are over. Poor James still looked devastated, although if it was because of he lost his girlfriend, or he just realized he actually has no friends anymore, or both, we couldn’t tell. And how about Kaysar? I’m sure all of you ladies crushing on Kaysar must have swooned seeing him smile so much. I think John Sebastian said it best:
Welcome back, your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around, but the dreams have remained and they’ve turned around.
Who’d of thought they’d lead ya, right here where we need ya? Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.
If you need something to stick in your head the rest of the day, download the whole song here[link fixed].
As if we could take any more excitement in the offices, we also had an HOH competition to deal with. This one was called the “Pressure Cooker.” All of the houseguests were forced into a plexiglass box, but it was more like a gazebo, but whatever. They each had a button, and had to keep their button pressed for the duration of the game. If at anytime your button wasn’t pressed, you would be eliminated. Julie had a relatively difficult time directing all of the traffic inside the little Gazebo, mainly because Ivette couldn’t stop yelling at the top of her lungs about the rules. I though Julie would actually melt Ivette’s mind with her brain until I realized that a) the first rule of robots is not to harm humans and b) Ivette’s brains are scrambled, so would melting them make a difference?
When three people had released their buttons, the door would open and those three could leave, until only one person was left. To make things interesting, after each person was eliminated, they had to open one of nine boxes inside the gazebo, some of them good, some of them bad. Julie opened the first one. No, she didn’t make her way to the gazebo, she used the Go-Go Chenbot HOH remote to open the baby blue box, which was filled with flies. I hope nobody opens the box with the dogs, or the killer bees, or the dogs that bark and killer bees come shooting out of their mouth. That would suck.
So that is where we leave you. Please don’t discuss results of the competition here, even if it is just to say who the first person eliminated was. We really do love our suspense. Use the forums!
I don’t have to ask what anybody thought about Kaysar returning because I know TVgasm readers loved it, but who will win HOH? Without Eric, will Jennifer and April or Maggie, Ivette, and Beau try and break out of the Friendship? Just how dangerous is James?
And one more time, congratulations on a job well done.