Big Brother: Ryan Comes Out of the Closet, But Unfortunately Brings Jen With Him

Q: What does Julie Chen say when she walks in a room backwards?

A: Butt first!

I swear I hear the ocean.

This week, with Alex and Amanda in control as co-HOHs we can expect nothing but style and class and short shorts from both. Chelsia admits that she was at first elated that her new BFF Amanda was in control, but quickly realized that Amanda is prettier than her so now she hates her. Sheila admits that she and Moose are obvious targets simply because of their actions early on, such as bickering, snoring and Sheila constantly trying to rub Vaseline on all the camera lenses in the house. Parker is shocked that he and his partner Jen can go from being a power couple, like Gary Coleman and his new bride, to D-list losers, like George and Laura Bush, in the blink of an eye.

We give it 2 months.

After the HOH competition everyone is allowed back in the house to see that the memory wall has been erected. Girlish screams fill the house, mostly from Alex, as they all rush to look at their pictures. Amanda admits that her face looks fat in her pictures, but luckily so does her ass so it all balances out. Matt is sure that his picture is the best-looking one there because nothing makes a great headshot like an entire bottle of L.A. Looks and Crest White Strips.

Matt couldn’t be at the Doucheys tonight, so I will accept this award in his honor.

Jen makes everyone take note that her picture is the first one on the wall because CBS knows she is going to win. What she doesn’t realize is that her last name is Aababea and they were going alphabetically. James confesses that he doesn’t like Jen no matter how much she looks like Heidi Klum, because she’s too cocky. Parker is frustrated because his partner acted too confident in front of everyone, putting a huge target on their team. Parker says that she can open her mouth and put her entire foot in up to her thigh, but that’s just from years of working on the contortionist sword-swallower circuit. James pulls Parker aside and tells him to encourage Jen to realize her place as a woman and keep her mouth closed until she is spoken to or someone gives her a sword.

Jen comes in the bedroom with Parker and James and Parker takes James’ cock out of his mouth long enough to tell Jen to think before she speaks and to chill out. Jen apologizes and says she will never do it again, but also mentions that Parker should go on the sword-swallowing circuit with her. He’d make mad money ’cause of his mad skills, yo. Parker starts to exit, followed by his butt-boy James, and Jen asks him if he’s mad at her. Parker pouts like Posh Spice and insists that he’s fine. Frustrated, insecure, neurotic and exhausted.

Is my Sideshow Mel hair still there? I can’t see it.

Allison is in the bathroom performing her daily magic trick, transforming from Screech into Jessie Spano with the help of make-up, when Joshuah waddles in bitching about Jen’s comment as well. They both feel Jen is a bitch for having an ounce of confidence and not crying to her therapist once a week about how insecure she is like a normal person. Allison says, “can you believe her?” and Joshuah turns to look at Allison and screams, “Demon!” before racing out of the house.

“What in the gay hell?!”

Allison later corners Parker and commiserates about their mutual position of being teamed with people who are dating each other. They both say they don’t see the point of coming on national television if you can’t even bang your partner. Jen and Ryan enter the room and Allison takes control of the conversation telling Jen that if she disrespects her in any way, Allison will out Ryan and Jen’s secret to the entire house. She goes on to say, “This isn’t my first time at the rodeo, fellas!!” before beating Jen with a hanger.

Later Allison gets Ryan alone to discuss game play with him. She removes the ball gag from his mouth long enough to allow him to answer a few questions. “Would you ever choose me over Jen?………..in an alliance?” Ryan doesn’t answer because everyone knows that you always side with your girlfriend in an alliance, no matter how stupid she may be. Allison also tells Ryan that she is not a big fan of Jen’s because of the way Jen prances around like the queen bee, acting like she owns the show with her non-brittle hair and lack of an overbite. Who does she think she is? Ryan begrudgingly agrees with Allison just to get her to shut up, as every man in her life has always done.

“Go Alli, it’s your birthday, but not for real now, get busy.”

In another less crazy room of the house, Amanda is telling James, Chelsia, and Neil that she gets stereotyped all of the time because of her high pitched voice and bangin’ set of knockers. Neil asks her how she deals with that kind of negativity and Amanda tells them that her father hung himself. Super sad, but still an unrelated non sequitur. She tells the crowd that her father attempted to call her one day while she was in class and left a message simply saying, “thanks a lot, you never answer the phone when I need you,” and later that day he hung himself. Now I’ve already signed my travel visa to hell several times, but even I’m not going to rip on this one. Flipit or Schoonie, you wanna weigh in here?

Maybe your dad wouldn’t be…..no, I just can’t.

It’s time to see the head of household room! Everyone rushes to the room to find the room decked out with pictures, snack food and plenty of cheap Hawaiin lays from The Party Story. Amanda and Alex both get awesome gift baskets filled with goodies and letters and….a piece of the tower that collapsed on Alex’s dad on September 11th. Sonofabitch! These Big Brother producers are really cutting me off at the knees here. When Alex previously mentioned that he has lost his father, I assumed they just couldn’t find him but expected him to come back with a pack of smokes any day now. I didn’t realize I’d be given the awesome task of trying to make terrorism funny. To top it off, Amanda’s brother sent her their father’s favorite Al Green CD which makes her start crying tears of joy….or remorse…..or possibly anger that he didn’t send the new GWAR box-set.

The producers must read this blog because they knew exactly what I wanted to see.

The next day Allison is telling Jen that she’s not going to play their sadistic little mind games any more. Jen asks exactly what that means and Allison simply insists that she’s not going to play. Ryan and Parker enter the situation and remind Allison that it is in her best interest to keep the secret as well and only spoiled little brats that don’t get their way say they aren’t going to play anymore, like Rudy Giuliani. Allison is obviously still angry that her teddy bear, Ryan, is not truly her soul mate, rather just her partner, bed-mate and the person who could lead her to a half a million dollar prize, so he’s useless.

“The one on the left is definitely the Pepsi.”

Later that night James encourages Jen to ask Moose why his nickname is “The Hooded Warrior.” When Jen poses the obvious question, Moose informs her that he is uncircumcised, which makes no sense because you don’t go by the nickname you give your penis. I don’t walk around calling myself stumpy. I mean grande! Grande! Damn it! Debbie Downer Sheila once again feels put upon since she got stuck with the one guy in the house that is uncut, although I’m not quite sure how she found the time to take a survey what with all the complaining and hot-flashes.

Jen is fascinated with this bit of information since she has never seen an uncut penis or one under 12 inches long considering Ryan is her first love. Moose offers to give her a tutorial and flashes her the goods, which leads to a lot of giggling from the ladies and James excusing himself to the bathroom with a bottle of lotion and some Vicks-Vap-O-Rub.

“What is all the ruckus? Some of us are trying to sleep.”

Later the two smartest, funniest, and hottest chicks in the house, according to them, Sheila and Allison find a moment alone. Allison tells Sheila that there’s some crazy stuff going on in the Big Brother house, which has put a huge target on Allison’s chest. Sheila asks what but Allison won’t give up the information other than to say “Yanray and Enjay are atingday.” Luckily Sheila failed Latin and has no idea what Allison was talking about so the secret is still safe.

Fill in the blank:

A: Crazy

B: Illegal casino operations

C: Toxic shock syndrome



Parker and Jen get together to have a discussion about “Miss Thing” and how they both hate kissing her ass since she knows this big secret, especially since her ass is so hairy and pock-marked. Parker comes up with the tactic of telling everyone before Allison has the chance to, like when you’re cheating on your wife and your mistress tells you she’s pregnant and threatens to tell your wife so you tell her first to look like it was just you unburdening yourself when your wife hears it elsewhere. What? Just me?

Parker calls Matt and Alex into the HOH room to give them the low-down skinny straight dope from the hizzy. Alex and Matt both confess that they find it odd that Parker didn’t come to them immediately with this information considering their strict bros before hoes policy. They think back to Parker waking up everyone to assure the house that he was not a “snake” but wonder if he is indeed reptilian in nature after this turn of events.

No your nightly circle jerks are still a secret.

After Matt and Alex are told, Jen and Parker bring in Amanda and Natalie to confess the secret as well. Amanda is livid that her BFF Jen would keep a secret from her and tells Jen that this has completely ruined Jen’s chances since everyone will now be against them in the game. Mostly out of jealousy since Jen is the only one getting the stiff one on a regular basis.

Matt corners Allison and confronts her about keeping this secret from the house for an agonizing two days. Allison is blind sided since she was still under the impression that they weren’t telling people. She tells Matt that they begged her not tell and wants to go confront Jen and Ryan right now for telling everyone behind her mole covered back.

As they say back in St. Olaf: Va va va voom! Hubba hubba , zing zing, baby he’s got everything.

Allison and Matt come find Jen and Ryan and Allison asks why Jen told everyone in the house about their secret. Jen responds confidently that they told people because they were sure Allison would spill the beans, maybe not intentionally, but would definitely scream it out during sex. Allison insists that she would never tell anyone other than her stuffed octopus Fifi, to whom she confessed all of her deepest, darkest secrets until she lost Fifi in a poker game outside of El Recida. Sheila enters the room looking like Gloria-F*$&ing Swanson and asks what all the hub-bub is about. Allison tells Sheila the secret and Sheila reacts as if someone told her that Ryan was the baby she sold for coke at Studio 54 back in the 70s. Sheila sticks up for Allison’s incredible will-power because she didn’t tell her the secret, although did try to convey it with semaphore flags and interpretive dance.

Oh my God, it’s Waylan and Madam.

While all this is happening the gay couple are in the backyard playing grab ass and lip syncing Barbara Sings the Blues.

The next day Allison tells the gay boys the news and they immediately ask her why she didn’t tell anyone. Allison says that Ryan and Jen were basically threatening her since they had a junior high picture of her where she went dressed as Chaka from Land of the Lost for Halloween. Joshuah begins to wonder who else in the house knows each other and comes up with the plan to have everyone in the house gather in the living room and swear that they don’t know anyone else in the house because everyone knows that if you swear on the bible on television you go straight to hell. That is why hell is mostly populated with former Judge Judy plaintiffs. You know who else goes straight to hell, Joshuah? Homosexuals. It’s against God’s plan, but I will admit it sure is fun.

“Cause this thing says I’m going to hell and my hair does not do well in humidity.”

Amanda overhears the plan and takes the reigns, making all the houseguests gather in the living area to take turns swearing on the bible that they are not connected in anyway to anyone else in the game. They all pass around the bible and swear, except for Sheila who swears on her Church of Satan pendent and Matt who uses a picture of Jon Bon Jovi. James swears on the bible but admits that it means nothing to him since he feels God isn’t in a book, rather on the face of every baby and in the laugh of every infant and in a sizable dose of acid.

Later Alex and Matt are lounging around comparing Abercrombie and Fitch poses when Alex admits that there are a lot of weak people in the house. Matt confesses that Alex is his best friend in the house and he knew that Alex and he would be close as soon as he saw the douchey haircut and guido necklace. Alex goes to the shower and Matt follows him like a lovesick puppy dog. Matt stands outside of the half door and talks the entire time that Alex is shampooing and scrubbing his junk. While Alex talks and Matt peaks over the door, the two vow to take each other to the end of the game and even dap knuckles on it. Alex swears on his father that Matt and he will go to the end, and Matt swears on his father as well but Alex knows that means nothing since Matt’s dad isn’t even dead.

And then we’ll wipe it off with a towel and pretend it never happened until we get drunk enough again.

Later Matt and Alex realize that they have to bring in their lady partners on their alliance, but both agree that they don’t have to invite them on their monthly “fishing trips.” Alex tells the ladies of the plan to go all the way to the end by winning HOH or POV every week and eventually winning the grand prize. Of course! Why has no one else ever thought of that before? It’s diabolical and fiendishly clever. Wait a minute. No it’s not. It’s obvious and incredibly stupid.

Later that day, Allison and Sheila get together to swap make-up tips. “I find that if you actually use a trowel, you can really get it into those deep crevices.” Both ladies are bummed that they are stuck with partners that they can’t have sex with for one reason or another; Ryan because he’s with Jen and Moose because he’s hideous. Sheila and Allison decide to play a joke on the rest of the house and tell them that they have been lesbian lover for five years and throw another twist into the game. A disturbing, bony, saggy, malodorous twist.

“Ya know, ‘lesbians,’ like the way I’m a ‘model’“

Joshuah wanders in the room looking for his afro-pick and the ladies call him over to confess their secret. Sheila tells him that there is another twist to the show and it has to do with the reason that she and Allison have been so close since they came in the house. Joshuah doesn’t understand and says he assumes it’s simply because neither of them could ever get a man and get together to bitch about that a lot. Allison tells him it’s actually because she and Sheila are lesbian lovers and Joshuah replies, “that’s what I just said.” Josh confesses that he had no idea and never saw any of the warning signs, like veganism or a Home Depot receipt lying around. Josh tells the two that he is not going to tell anyone but has to go talk to his “boyfriend” about something completely unrelated and non-lesbian in nature. Josh takes off like there’s a shoe sale and tells Neil everything. The two giggle and laugh about it before realizing that it all makes sense now. That’s why Sheila always wears those riding boots and that’s why Allison is always in such a bad mood, because she hasn’t had dick in 5 years.

Can ya blame Dick?

Allison and Sheila go off to tell Chelsia their “secret” and are greeted with cheers regarding their ability to come out on national television just like Ellen did 10 years ago and how Tyra Banks will 10 years from now. Sheila and Allison both ride high on their lesbian coup confessing that this may have been a power play that could work in their favor, since it certainly worked for Miss Jane Hathaway.

The next day Sheila is sitting in the back yard with Parker while Moose sits on the lanai, smoking, scratching his balls and screaming about retards. Sheila tells Parker that it’s hard for her to play this game since her partner is such an uncircumcised meathead. Alex and Matt wander over to take their spot in the hammock, like true lovebirds, and Alex topples over and falls flat on his face. His laughter at himself is only stopped when he realizes that Sheila won’t stop complaining long enough for anyone to have any fun. Alex interrupts Sheila’s tirade about Moose’s uncoothiness to remind her that Moose has never said one negative thing about her, yet she continues to besmirch his good name in the house. Sheila tells Alex that he’s not a woman so he couldn’t understand how hard it is for her to have to sleep with him every night. Matt says that if he were a woman he would be all over Moose so quick, his foreskin would pop off.

I’ve done a lot of messed up stuff on spring break, but nothing as messed up as this.

Moose, who has been able to overhear the entire conversation, has had enough abuse so lumbers over to Sheila to ask her what he has done that’s so wrong, other than looking like Lurch. He goes on to say that he has tried to be nice to her and she insists on sitting around and bad-mouthing him to anyone who is unfortunate enough to not be able to escape in time. Sheila has no comeback since everything Moose says is true, so she simply stands up, throws her water bottle at him and screams “Chuck shoes!” I’m assuming that’s what she said since I had rely on my years of lip reading training from when I was a Navy Seal.

The unibomber has really let himself go.

Jen and Ryan both realize that Sheila may have saved their ass since everyone has had it up to their tit with her and her menopausal tirades. Sheila runs into her bedroom and throws herself across the bed and weeps copiously as her “lesbian life partner” follows to comfort her with some scissoring.

Alex and Amanda are left to make a decision as to who should be nominated this week. This year’s rules state that if the co-HOHs cannot come to a mutual agreement regarding the nomination, then the runners-up would assume the role and make the nominations for them. It’s very beauty pageant-esque especially because of the fake smiles and liberal use of Vaseline in the house.

The key-box is brought downstairs and all of the houseguests gather around the table for the nomination ceremony. Alex once again reminds the houseguests, and America that the teams get nominated as a couple and therefore two couples will be nominated this week. The first keys that Alex and Amanda draw out of the box are Sheila and Moose’s proving that it’s not only CBS executives that like hysterical outbursts in the house. Sheila and Moose pull keys and tell James and Chelsia that they are both safe, and equally lame. Chelsia and James remove keys to tell Matt and Natalie that they are also safe, yet not from Chlamydia, so don’t go in the hot tub after Sheila if they know what’s good for them. Matt and Natalie pull their keys from the box and read the names of the last safe couple: Neil and Joshuah. Natalie then says, “Who the hell? They made a mistake printing these keys there’s no hom…o there you are. Sorry forgot you existed, just like the editors.”

“Just keep sitting still. Maybe they’ll forget we’re here until the end.”

This leaves the couple-having teams of Jen and Parker and Ryan and Allison on the block for eviction. Allison confesses that she will do everything in her power to make sure that Jen goes home this week since Ryan is rightfully hers. Allison of course comes off sounding like Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female so I completely expect the gold fish to be thrown out the window next week and Ryan to be stabbed with a shoe.

So what did you think? Is Allison crazy? Is Sheila really that big of a bitch or is it just hormones? Will Matt and Alex continue their bromance? Does anyone care that there are two hot gay dudes here that haven’t even made out yet? Will Ran get my letters and boxers in the mail if he ever gets HOH? Tune in next episode to find out. In the meantime, please leave a comment.