Big Brother: SATs edition: Josh is to Baby’s Pinky as Ryan is to _______

Previously on Big Brother, opinions differed regarding Allison’s crotch.

As you recall, Ryan placed Chelsia and Sharon on the block for eviction hoping that the Veto competition would be underwear pillow fighting or nude jell-o wrestling. Sharon feels she is a fighter having bested Jacob in several Chutes and Ladders tournaments. Chelsia is frustrated since she is on slop and the block so she must rely on her years of training as an ass-kisser to save her. James wants Chelsia to remain his butt-buddy despite having convinced Ryan to nominate Chelsia in the first place, but being a street vagabond James knows he has to do whatever it takes to survive.

Later, Sharon tells Sheila that she knew Ryan was not going to nominate any of the guys since “penises stick together.” Only if you leave the strawberry flavored lubricant on too long. Sheila reminds Sharon that Josh is sitting right next to them and he has a penis too, but if you look here , you can see that she is mistaken.

In the HOH room Ryan and Josh have the conversation that all straight guys have with their gay friend. Ryan tells Josh that he is totally behind him but can’t hang around in him public because people would talk. Josh completely understands and tells Josh that he would bend over backwards for Ryan and vows on his knees to simply suck it up and take whatever Ryan has to offer.

Cool. Sorry if I sweat on you.

Chelsia is visibly shaken over her nomination, so much so that her skin has broken out in incongruous ink stains and a streak of her hair has suddenly turned hot pink. Josh drags Chelsia to the storage room to assure her that he will take care of her this week if she will do the same for him when he is inevitably on the block. Chelsia commits to nothing but kisses James enough to make him think she still loves him the way you do when you want to break up with someone that has previously tried to commit suicide.

Back in the HOH room, a discussion breaks out about what everyone would do if they won the half-million dollar grand prize game. Natalie says that she would invest most of it and use the rest to purchase more Boxcar Willie CDs and aluminum foil for her ever-growing ball. Matty tells her that her plan is inherently flawed since she’s batt-shit crazy and no one will ever love her. Natalie throws a ball at Matty and he retaliates Dodgeball style, making Natalie decide to leave the room to get away from the negativity. Once she’s gone everyone laughs at her like the 3rd-graders these people wish they could have become. Ryan tells Matty that Natalie is going to win HOH soon and put him on the block. Matty tells Ryan that it will never happen since all he has to do is promise to make out with her and she’ll jump on a live grenade for him.

Downstairs Natalie tells Sharon and Sheila, AKA the Finer Things Club, that is she is getting sick and tired of the way Matt – no longer Matty – treats her. She’s finally starting to realize that nothing will ever happen between them, other than the occasional late night blowjob he will allow her to perform, so she doesn’t care if he goes home or not. There are plenty of other cross-eyed, marble-mouthed, douchebags in the world that would be willing to treat her like crap.

Josh is in the next room praying to God for a flat stomach and thanking Him for the many gifts that He has bestowed upon him, such as immunity from HIV and a dealer who takes AmEx, when he overhears this rant. A light bulb flashes above Josh’s head causing him to rush to the ladies with an offer. He brings up the idea of going to Ryan and telling him that he will have guaranteed immunity from eviction, and possibly HIV, if he will put Matt up on the block after the Veto. Natalie is so full of righteous female indignation that she accepts Josh’s diabolical plan immediately as do Sharon, James and Sheila.

Bout what?

Matt senses that something is not right with the force when his lazy eye wanders over to Natalie performing her daily facial bleaching. For a little damage control Matty walks up to Natalie and gives her a big hug and asks if she’s still mad. Natalie’s heart grows three sizes as she eeks out a meager “yes.” Matty reminds Natalie that he is taking her to the end and just puts on a show for the rest of the houseguests so they don’t suspect that he and Natalie are in an alliance. Natalie’s heart beats through her blouse the way Bugs Bunny’s would when he’d see a hot female rabbit and little hearts dazzle in her eyes.

Natalie reminds Matty that occasionally he has to treat her like a human being, but just occasionally, before she offers to wash out his socks in the sink and do his homework. Natalie also confides in Matty the awful plan that the others devised to get him out of the house and details how she begged them not to go through with it before they threatened to come after her family if she told. Matty immediately rushes to Ryan to preemptively convince him that the plan is a bad idea. Natalie follows two steps behind.

Matt tells Ryan about the offer that will be brought to him and offers a PowerPoint presentation as to why this plan is a bad idea. He closes by telling Ryan that he and Natalie will continue to act mad at each other so that she can infiltrate their camp and gain exclusive information. Matt also says that should he win HOH next week it will be a reign of terror. A cross-eyed, greasy, misogynistic reign of terror.

Later Josh comes to Ryan’s HOH room in a long trench coat, dark glasses and kneepads per their previous agreement. Josh presents the idea of backdooring Matt, metaphorically, and gives Ryan his word as a bottom that he will keep Ryan safe for two weeks. In a stunning bit of strategic game play, or stupidity (I can never tell this season) Ryan tells Josh that he already knew about this offer since Matt told him after Natalie spilled the beans to Matt.

Thank God. I thought I was gonna have to go a week without a woman to spew hatred at.

Downstairs Sheila and Chelsia are talking about how romantic the pinball machine scene was in The Accused when Josh bursts in uncharacteristically hot-tempered. He tells them that Natalie took her nose out of Matt’s butt long enough to tell them about their scheme. Everyone is visibly angry, not only that Natalie betrayed them, but because she is such a smitten kitten that nothing they do will ever convince her that she is more than an occasional sperm-dump for Matt.

Matt comes to the HOH room to chill with Ryan and talk about guy stuff, like Hannah Montana and how cute baby birdies are. Ryan tells Matt that they have to put a kibosh on their hang-outs since everyone thinks they’re in a secret alliance already. Matt agrees that they should take a break since he doesn’t want to end up with a lazy eye AND lockjaw. Ryan’s talking head tells us that he’s thinking more and more about Josh’s offer and it may actually be a good idea to get Matt out of the house.

It’stimetopickplayersforthevetocompetition!!! Participating in this weeks Veto competition are Sharon and Chelsia, Ryan, Adam, Sheila, and Joshuah. While everyone awaits the back yard to be set up, Ryan is cornered in the HOH room and once again told about “Operation Win the Veto and Put Matt on the Block so Everyone Will Vote Him Out Giving Ryan Two Weeks of Guaranteed Immunity.” They’re really not good at naming operations. Ryan seems to be on board with it, but they could have offered to smack him in the head with a hammer and he would have agreed to that too. The man’s not that bright.

But wow. What a jawline.

The Veto competition is a confusing billiards game complete with oversized cues, gold balls and a few paper mache balls containing prizes. I won’t go into all the details other than to say a few things: Matt hosts the competition and this is the first time I have ever heard anyone’s rules dubbed over. The editors obviously couldn’t understand a word that mushmouth said so they made him re-dub his lines in post. Also Ryan ended up with $10,000, Moose won a motorcycle, Sharon won a slop pass, Josh won a letter from home, Chelsia got the Veto, and sadly, for America, Sheila ended up with Jen’s red unitard.

Originally in the competition Sheila had the $10,000 and Ryan won the unitard which made my heart, and by heart I mean penis, swell. Unfortunately for Sheila this was a white elephant gift exchange and Ryan traded prizes with her. After the competition Sheila is shocked that Ryan would take away her money. Shocked! She bitches about Ryan not understanding that some people actually need the money, but what she doesn’t realize is that Jen isn’t cheap. Ryan has to buy her jewelry daily so that he can touch her and anything less than a Pearl is over the clothes.

Josh and Chelsia are celebrating in the storage room when Josh comes in to put a tiny-dicked damper on the festivities. Sharon follows Josh and begins sharing how anxious she is that Ryan will not keep his word, that he never officially gave. Ryan wanders in looking for a snack, like a T-bone or honey braised ribs, when all the ladies, Josh and James included, descend upon him and remind him about the two week promise. Ryan tells Sharon that she has nothing to worry about, which is what Elliot Spitzer’s hooker said when he told her that he was nervous.

Now get back to suing people, tiger.

Sheila puts on her unitard complete with black boots and underwear making her look like Elastigirl from The Incredibles, but not at the beginning. After she goes into the Super Hero relocation program and pops out a couple kids and becomes a housewife. Sheila emerges from the bedroom and struts into the kitchen to show off her new look and everyone is very polite by not mentioning the fact that her ass is only a foot from the floor.

Sheila comments that she would have liked the money or the call from home but is happy to get the unitard. Sharon pipes up and commends Moose for trading his prize with Sheila to give her the $10,000 since he knew she needed it, even though Ryan came along like a republican and took away her welfare. Sheila didn’t ultimately win the money, but she realized what a decent guy Moose actually was by that act and may pull back on her comments about his bug-eyes or his snoring.

Chelsia makes a comment about how magnanimous everyone was during the game, but Sheila objects. She reminds Chelsia that she is a single mother and could have used that money, as opposed to Ryan who will blow it all on penny whistles and bubble gum down at the soda fountain. Chelsia tells Sheila not to play the “single mom” card because that will quickly piss people off. Sheila keeps her cool but confesses in the diary room that Chelsia’s comments really pissed her off. She goes on to say that Chelsia is just a kid and Sheila will take her over her knee and spank her like the bad little girl she is. Sheila says that Chelsia will see another side of her soon and it won’t be pretty. Was the first side?

Please stop showing us your sides.

Sheila goes on one of her patented rants, bitching to anyone who will listen about Chelsia’s comments. Each time she recounts the story, Chelsia’s tone gets angrier and more condescending. Sheila tells Natalie that Chelsia, James and Josh are trying to run the game and she’s not going to feebly stand for it.

When Ryan comes outside, Sheila pulls him aside to lay some groundwork by telling Ryan that the promise that was offered to him means nothing. Even if they keep their word and give him two weeks he will be the first target as soon as that time is up. Ryan confesses that he was worried about accepting their offer, especially since he could see all of their crossed fingers in the mirror behind them.

The Producers make Chelsia go and stand in front of the memory wall to pretend she’s going to use it on anyone but herself. Shortly thereafter she calls everyone into the living room for the Veto competition. Josh is feeling very cocksure that he was able to pull off the biggest move in Big Brother history, however his decree is flawed for two reasons: A: it’s not the biggest coup in Big Brother history and B: Josh is hung like a hamster.

Chelsia obviously uses the Veto on herself giving Ryan the opportunity to replace Chelsia with another nomination. Ryan stands and halfheartedly replaces Chelsia’s nomination with a surprise, James! Natalie immediately couples up to Matty before he tells her she smells. Matt stands and tells the crowd that he’s sorry for James, but it’s officially “on” between him and Josh for trying to backdoor him, although Matt probably couldn’t even feel it with that teeny weeny of Josh’s and that’s my last small penis joke for the night, I swear!

Now can I get a massage?

So what did you think? Will James or Sharon go home and why should we care either way? Is it really “on” between Matt and Josh and what exactly does “on” mean?

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