Seriously, You Are Expected To Expect The Unexpected

The best part about tonight’s episode of Big Brother? It was like a whole week’s worth of drama crammed into one exciting, unpredictable and explosive hour (all with a dash of Chenbot — a fine robotic garnish to this hearty steak of a show). Was I happy with the results? Not so much. But that really doesn’t mean squat since I’ve said many times that my opinions on the house guests are decidedly mixed. I love the season sixers because we have history. I hate season sixers because they’re idiots now. I hate Chill Town because they’re arrogant and coming after my girl, Janey. I love Chill Town because they’re so damn good. So if I’m not happy with the outcome, chances are I actually am happy with it after all. Hmmm… I’m talking in circles. I better start the recap.First, let’s do a status check on this season. I’d rank it quality-wise somewhere between season four and season five. The first week was great — everyone was scheming. We then sat through a long stretch of season six stupidity, starting with Kaysar’s idiotic reign and followed through by Janelle’s continued blundering. Things weren’t terribly interesting, but lately, the season has started to catch fire as people have found themselves in overlapping alliances. Watching the players trying to maneuver between conflicting loyalties is what this game is all about, and I think it’s safe to say that while this season is nowhere near as good as last year’s (honestly, it would be hard to top), it’s showing significant signs of life.

That being said, let’s talk about tonight’s show. Things started off on a bright note, quite literally, as the Chenbot greeted us in some sort of desert-terrain camouflage. Perhaps she was just back from some sort of special ops mission in the Persian Gulf. The army probably used her robotic technology to infiltrate a terrorist bunker. Anyway, in addition to the distracting top (whose cut did nothing to dispel those pesky pregnancy rumors), Julie’s Chelmet was bold and beautiful tonight. When she said she liked big hair, she wasn’t kidding. She had some major volume in that thing. And do you know why her hair was so big? Because it held lots of information! Sorry, random Laguna reference. I’m getting my shows all mixed up.

Anyway, Julie segued us right into the action with nary a “but first” (there were none tonight). We returned to the house where Janelle was reeling from Marcellas’s eviction. “I had no idea that Marcellas was getting voted out of the house!” she said. “These people are liars!” Ah yes. Welcome to the game, Janey. Glad to have you back with us. Maybe you should have realized this six weeks ago when you could have done something about it. Did you not do your research? Even I knew Will was the biggest liar in the house, and I didn’t even watch season two! Ultimately, Janelle confessed, “I feel like a frickin’ idiot.” As you should, my dearest. As you should.

We then watched again as Marcellas huffed out of the house. Howie took particular note of this, calling Marcy a major diva. Boogie, on the other hand, had a more hostile response. “Marcellas is a little ‘ho,” he said. “I am very happy that I was the orchestrater of his demise.” I’m happy too, if only it causes Boogie lasts long enough in the house so he can participate in the Big Brother wardrobe bonfire (assuming they have it again this year, and man, they better. If I have to stare at one of Boogie’s dumb, orange hats or stupid headbands any longer, I might just go on a homicidal rage).

Danielle then cried in the diary room over Marcellas’s departure, saying that she doesn’t hope he takes it personally — it was all strategy. Blah blah blah. Let’s move on.

Janelle then pulled Howie and James into the red room and asked, “What happened?” James tried to make up some story, saying that he switched his vote because he found out how everyone else was voting. When Janelle asked how he found out, he insisted that that was what he does. FIGURE IT OUT, JANELLE! He knows everyone’s voting patterns because he’s with them!!

As for why he didn’t tell Janelle about the change in voting patterns, James said, “Because I didn’t want them thinking you are mad and coming after you.” Wait, what? Huh? This makes no sense.

“From now on, I’m gonna do what I want, and what’s good for me. I’m not listening to this whole group voting system. Screw that,” Janelle said. Better late than never. Actually, no. It’s not better late. She’s pretty much screwed. Let’s just hope this means the return of vintage 2005 Janey. (That’s what I say every week, I know).

We then watched the HOH competition again, as well as George’s incredulous reaction to his own victory. No one could believe it, especially Danielle, who asked us, “Why did Chicken Man beat me?” Well, clearly it was based on looks. Chicken George? Grrrrowl!

Danielle then observed that George was the scariest person to win Head of Household because unlike everyone else in the house, “No one knows what he’s doing.” This was definitely true, as evidenced by his nominations of James and Erika. Danielle absolutely could not believe the picks, especially since it was so obvious that everyone wanted Janelle out. Gosh, George! Everyone knows you’re supposed to go with the majority! Aren’t you like a floater or something? Well, he said his true target was James, but Erika was still baffled as to why SHE was up there too. George explained, “I owed him.” Oh. Wait. Who? What? I’m confused.

We didn’t find out what the hell he was talking about, but he did let Erika know that she was merely just the pawn. I’m sure she loves that… AGAIN.

James, meanwhile, was furious about his nomination. He complained to Howie, “Your Jedi alliance-mate? He’s a goner. He nominated the wrong fucking person!” Hey, let’s all remember who nominated him first. Sorry, James, but as someone who uses payback as the cornerstone of his strategy, you should certainly understand this best.

Well, with the nominations not quite going their way, the Legion of Doom convened in the exercise room to discuss strategy. Boogie proposed the idea of having George backdoor Janelle, a mental image that I really could have done without (it’s been two years since the jerks of season five first introduced the term “backdoor,” and it still makes me snicker each time).

Before any further plotting could get underway, the house guests then had to trek upstairs to check out George’s new HOH room. I guessed that the colors would be an obnoxious blend of yellow and orange, but it was instead, it was more a generally tacky yellow and green instead. “It reminded me of an Austin Powers thing,” George told us, which didn’t really make too much sense, but not much from George ever does.

Howie, meanwhile, checked out a picture of George’s family, commenting, “Your daughters are hot! Wow!” To be fair, Howie could look at a Happy Meal and say, “That Birdie the Early Bird is a fine piece of ass.” Well, as you can imagine, this soon led to a sentimental scene where George read letters from home, but thankfully, this didn’t turn into an annoying weep-fest. He kept his emotions in tow, his chin trembling only slightly. Undercutting the emotional component of this scene was Will, who distracted us with his cut-off shirt that happened to say, “Julie’s Favorite.” I’m sure Mr. Moonves would have something to say about that. And as crafty as Dr. Will is, he’s no challenge to Les. None at all.

Later, Howie and Janey (in a facial mask) talked to George about strategy. Howie babbled on and on about something, and finally, Janelle said, “Here’s the thing…” Translation: Howie, shut up and let me deal with this. She said she’d preserve George’s nominations if she won the veto. “For once, I feel safe. It’s really bizarre. Thank God for George,” she told us. Uh oh… That’s never a good sign… Howie then asked if George would go after them, and the HOH replied, “Why would I go after you guys?” Hmmm… maybe if you were manipulated? By two guys who just happen to be dancing around in the kitchen for no reason at all? Yes, CBS ominous cut to Chill Town prancing around before zipping off to commercial. Oh, this was gonna get real ugly. I could already feel it.

After the break, it was time for the veto competition. From the bag, George drew Howie’s name, Erika drew Danielle, and James drew Will. Sorry, Janelle. Well, James was quite excited that he was playing with three Legion of Doomers, and Boogie noted that this would be their chance to finally take out Janelle. I could not imagine this ending well for my girl, but then again, this entire season has been a slow-motion car wreck, and she’s been in the driver’s seat — without an airbag.

Before the competition began, Boogie approached George and tried to throw Janelle under the bus. He asked him who he thought the whole house wanted out, and George replied, “James.” Oops! Try again. Janelle, silly! Boogie then insisted that George think “not for what we want, but for you.” Translation: Think about what we want, dammit.

Well, the gang then headed outside for the competition, and strewn across the yard were several gnomes. And tree stumps. And chains. And junk. It was a mess, and no one was less pleased than Will, who commented, “There are three things I hate in life: robot clowns [sorry, Julie], baby corn, and freaky little gnomes.” Funny, I thought he was going to say, “Body hair, sunshine, and people who use less than half a bottle of mousse per day.”

Anyway, for this big game, players were shackled to a stump, and in order to reach the keys that would unlock them, they’d have to put together various pieces of junk to create some sort of makeshift hook. Janelle’s only hope for safety was Howie, who was off to a brilliant start (read: not brilliant start) by taping a hula hoop to a giant golf club. Needless to say, he didn’t even come close to winning this one. James finally lived up to his rep as the greatest veto player ever (despite not winning it at all this season, if I’m not mistaken) and won the competition. Uh oh! Georgie’s gonna be screwed! Nothing burns more than the wrath of a Milwaukee custard model!

Afterwards, James talked to George to see who he was thinking of putting up, and after he put in his two cents, Erika had her little session. She worked her charm, saying how she turned to him as soon as she temporarily won Head of Household (conveniently omitting those two times she specifically cut him from other HOH competitions), and ultimately, George said he’d like to work with her from now on. Erika was more than pleased, saying, “Georgie and I are now in a new alliance! Very interesting!” Not really. It’s actually a very boring alliance, but that’s okay.

Boogie showed up for his one-on-one next, and he reiterated that Janelle needed to go home, especially since allying with Howie would certainly put him in the minority position in the house. Manipulate-George-Fest 2006 continued as Will popped in next and volunteered himself to go up in an effort to push out Erika. “Awww, Doctor,” George groaned in his nasally, most wino-ish voice. Will then noted that if he went up and Erika went home, then Janelle and Danielle could keep warring, while Chill Town and George sat back and watched everything unfold. Yes, Will was extending himself into his umpteenth alliance. Normally, you’d think he’d be an idiot to spread himself so thin, but with this cast and their unwillingness to believe that Chill Town could ally with anyone but themselves, he’s playing everyone like a fiddle.

Later, George brought Janelle and Howie back to his room and told them that everyone was gunning to get Janelle out, including James. “What a weasel!” Janelle remarked, finally receiving confirmation of her worst suspicions. Luckily, George had her back. “You’re a good player. For me to do that [gun after her] to you would be to go against every principle that I stand for. I can’t do it to you,” he said. Of course, this has been the season of players going absolutely against their principles (James to Jase, Janelle to Marcellas); so we knew this really didn’t mean shit. George then said he wouldn’t go after Janelle if they promised to join up with him. Sure thing! Oh, and one more thing. They had to promise to keep Erika in the house just one week. Double sure thing! Yes, it was the birth of yet another new alliance: Janelle, Howie, and Chicken George. The blind leading the blind. This couldn’t possibly lead to total disaster…

George then said he was gonna turn the game all the way around, but with Boogie’s Coup d’Etat power, could that really happen? I say negatory. Anyway, Erika then had a little powwow with George, who told her that he was going to put Will up on the block. This was bad news for her because she knew she would be walking right out that door. George reassured her that he had the votes for her, but Erika didn’t believe it. Those votes were empty, she said. As she began to freak out, George calmed her down by saying, “Just let me take my bath.” Well! He didn’t say that was part of the deal! If she had known he was taking a bath now, surely she wouldn’t have freaked out! Phew! Close one!

Well, Erika promised George that she wouldn’t tell a soul about his plans, but of course, she immediately told Chill Town. Will was completely prepared for this, but Boogie, well, Will had kind of forgotten to tell him about how he had volunteered himself. All that Boogie knew was that George was making at attack at his Master, and as a loyal sidekick, he had to fight for his honor! This meant that later on, while everyone was waiting for the veto ceremony to being, Boogie angrily told George, “If you’re thinking about nominating Will, I’m not gonna let my game or Will’s game be sacrificed by keeping my mouth shut.” Now, if George were as shrewd as everyone was making him out to be, he’d question where Boogie got this information. Either Will had told him (which was unlikely, based on Boogie’s hostile reaction) or Erika had spilled the beans. This should have exposed a lack of loyalty, but George was caught up in the moment, going on the defensive instead of the offensive.

Fearing that his Master might be leaving him, Boogie became quite aggressive, saying that he and Will had actually saved Chicken George last week by influencing Janelle to nominate Marcellas instead. When pressed, Janelle admitted that she had considered Chicken George, but rather than saying that it was Howie who had saved his ass, she simply shrugged, thinking the honesty would impress him. However, all it did was frighten George. Dumbass Howie was then asked what he had to say, and he literally just let out a blank-faced, “Ummmmm.” Way to fight back, Jedi Master.

Boogie then reminded George that someone (hint hint: himself) had won a very special power — did he really want to go up against that? “I’m probably up against that anyway,” George said, which was true. Well, the door to the red room was opened and the gang was finally able to go into the living room, but at the last second, Chicken George called Erika and Danielle over to his side and suggested that he might put up… Howie. Howie??? Oh shit oh shit oh shit. This was about to get real crazy. Obviously, both women emphatically urged, “DO IT! DO IT!” I couldn’t believe where this was going, but at the same time, I could. We knew everything was seeming too perfect for Janelle and Howie. Besides, if Will were to go up, Boogie would use the Coup D’Etat, and Janelle and Howie would wind up on the block anyway. It was inevitable. But then again, you never know until it happens. And there was no guarantee that George would put Howie up. Truth was that everyone was massively manipulating George. The whole house had claimed to have saved him and been there for him and been loyal to him. It was a case of whoever got to him last would hold sway over him. Maybe Howie could turn him back at the last second?

Anyway, at the ceremony, George credited Will and Boogie with saving him last week (smacking my head), and he said he couldn’t put up Janelle, and he couldn’t put up Danielle, and he couldn’t put up Erika (despite the fact that she had so blatantly sold him out). That left one person: the only guy who had been truly loyal to him all season long: HOWIE. Oh, this was painful. How awful this game is — turning friends against each other for the second time in a row. That’s why we love it.

Well, we’ll just consider this moment akin to when Anakin turned against Obi-Wan (the verdict’s still out on whether or not Howie will get to slice off George’s limbs in a river of molten lava). I was sad to see Howie, as annoying as he is, so brutally betrayed. On the flip side, nothing’s more amusing like when Hurricane Howie comes out. Sure enough, his good cheer was replaced with bitter hostility as he seethed, “You want to listen to the people that tried to sell your ass out last week?… You were expendable to them!” I really felt for Howie because he was telling the truth, but that being said, he should have said this stuff before the ceremony. I know, I know — he was blindsided, but still, you gotta seal the deal!

Howie then bristled at Chill Town, saying, “The joke is on them. The joke is on them.” Huh? How so? You’re a goner dude. No way you’re getting out of this. Afterwards, Will talked to Howie and Janelle, telling them to calm down about saying they have the numbers because it would alert Danielle that Chill Town was with them (groaning, rolling eyes, then retracting the roll as I appreciate how amazingly crafty and awesome Will is). Janelle backed Will up, telling Howie to just relax and take it easy. Hey, Janelle, do you not remember how Will betrayed you with Marcellas? What makes you think that he’s got your back now?

Later, Boogie and Will both told Howie that they’d keep him in the game over Erika. “They all promised me, looked me in the eye and said they’re keeping me,” Howie happily told us. And if there’s anything Howie’s learned with this whole George debacle, it’s that people’s words mean a whole lot in the Big Brother house.

“While we’re embracing, Howie, I have some bad news for you. They took ‘gullible’ out of the dictionary.”

CBS then tried to throw some misdirection our way by showing Will plotting against Erika, but we knew it was just theoretical discussion. Howie eavesdropped on the conversation, and supposedly he heard James say, “I’m supposed to be in an alliance with Howie and Janelle,” but alas, nothing came of this. If only this weren’t a condensed week. We might have had a war in the household akin to last year’s Busto debacle (although, nothing will ever beat that wonderful week).

After the commercial break, the Chenbot welcomed us back, which was a delightful surprise since we had forgotten entirely that she would be accompanying us this evening. She greeted the cast by saying, “Hello, house guests!” and then this was followed by a long, awkward pause. Man, it wasn’t even a live show, and she still had a minor flub. That’s why we love her! Julie asked if the person with the special power wanted to use it, and when Boogie refused to stand, we then began the voting. Again, as frustrating as this Howie situation was to me, it was inevitable that he would have wound up on the block, considering Mike at the Coup D’Etat.

Anyway, first person up was Danielle who voted to evict Howie. She was followed by James and Janelle, who picked Erika. It looked like there might actually be an upset, but who was I kidding? Chill Town happily both clocked in votes for Howie, which meant the Jedi Master was the next person evicted from the house. Maybe NOW Janelle will realize that Chill Town ain’t on her side. Well, James gave Howie a big, phony hug, and as he got his bags, Howie muttered, “Good job, Georgie. Your word’s pretty good around here.” Memo to Howie: did you learn nothing from Jen Vasquez?

In an amusing turn of events, Howie (who had earlier admonished Marcellas for his childish departure) accused Boogie of lying to his face and then grabbed his stupid hat and threw it off to the nether regions of the house. Normally, I’d make fun of Howie for being such a hypocritical baby, but damn, it was great to see someone tear that thing off Boogie’s head. I was all for it. When Mike sarcastically said that Howie was being a real class act, the Hurricane got right in his face and said, “You little punk.” Again, loving it.

This caused Boogie to get in touch with his New Hampshire ‘hood roots as he snapped back, “Get to steppin’! Get to steppin’!” Sadly, this near-fight was separated by the other house guests, which is probably how all Mike Malin altercations end. Chances are he’s the sort of guy who only picks fights when he knows other people will drag him out of them before a single punch is thrown. Anyway, Howie stepped out of the house and yelled, “SUPERBOWL, BABY!!!” It didn’t really make sense, and I could already sense the Chenbot trying to figure out how she was going to deal with this live wire. It’s kind of like how back in the days when you’d stick an MS-DOS disk into a Mac. Chaos!

While Howie got all situated with Julie, we then watched the Very Classy Mike Boogie pull out Howie’s key from the wall and throw across the room. Take THAT, little piece of metal!!! HE IS BOOGIE! HEAR HIM ROAR!!!

We then headed back to the Chenbot as she conducted a fairly brief Q&A session. Howie told her, “I knew Chill Town was going to betray us.” It’s a good thing he trusted them so much! Actually, to be fair, back when this Chill Town snowball began, it was Howie who was the most vocal of the season sixers about getting rid of Will or Boogie. Oh well. He tried. Kind of. As for George, Howie said he liked him as a person, and everything would have been fine had Boogie not threatened him in the red room prior to the Veto Ceremony. Julie thanked Howie and then INHALED massively. Was she not breathing all this time? Or had the engineers merely readjusted her lung capacity?

Finally, it was time for the HOH competition. It was basically another variation on True or False, except instead of paddles or wheels or buzzers, we had… midgets! Yay! Basically, Julie was going to read a bunch of statements, allegedly from “the gnomes.” Players had to answer by sticking their heads through holes in a cardboard cutout. One hole signified true, the other false. Wrong answers meant elimination.

Is that Cappy?

Yes, Danielle. You are doing this on national television.

Julie then warned, “How will you know if you’re out of the game? Trust me. You’ll know.” What? Would the gnomes ass rape them? Actually, no. The little people would just bash them in the face with a cream pie. Well, in round one, James, Erika, and Danielle answered incorrectly, all receiving pie in the face and a spot on the bench. This left Janelle, Boogie, and Will. Season six versus Chill Town! Will answered the next question wrong, which meant he got some pie action on that lovely, colorless face of his.

Just another night with Boogie.

Again, just another night with Boogie.

Now it was down to Mike and Janelle. This was her last chance. She needed to win this because if Boogie overturned her noms, she would still be safe, thanks to the rules of the Coup D’Etat. Julie’s statement was that Diane was the third key to be drawn from the box on the season premiere. Janelle answered true, and Mike answered false. And that’s when my heart sank. Diane was the third girl picked to go in the house, but she wasn’t the third key. Doh! And with that, Janelle received a cream facial, and Boogie ascended the throne. It was the perfect time for the Chill Town power play (although, we will regrettably not see the Coup D’Etat in action now).

Danielle and Erika immediately leaped into Boogie’s arms, and hopefully Janelle once again saw where the battle lines were drawn. Looks like there’s an uphill battle, but then again, if anyone’s been known to sneak out of a tough situation, it’s Janelle. Of course, I’m referring to Janelle from 2005 — the one who was sharp and conniving and on top of her game. She’ll probably go up against Erika or Chicken George, and if she’s smart, she’ll start working both ends of the Legion of Doom against each other. After all, everyone’s got to realize that Will and Mike will never pick anyone else to go with them to the final two. Gotta break them up somehow…

What did you think about this episode? Did George make the right move? Can Janelle save herself?