Tonight’s episode of Big Brother marked a major turn in the game. For the first time, a member of the season six alliance would be going home, which meant their glorious (read: frustrating) reign atop the house was officially drawing to a close. I was sad to see such a promising alliance buckle under its own stupidity, but now with one guy going home — either James or Kaysar — I felt somewhat liberated. The old group was no longer, and as such, I didn’t have to hold onto some sad, nostalgic memory of what these players used to be. Yes, ladies and gents, after weeks of inner-conflict, I now no longer am beholden to season six. Well, I’ll still root for Janelle because I still love her, despite the fact that she’s been totally idiotic the past few weeks. That being said, I’ve basically given over to Chill Town. I still don’t want to see them win — their arrogance will always bug me — but man, I love watching them operate. And tonight, they proved that while they’ve been appearing to be harmless all these weeks, they truly are capable of causing mass destruction in alliances.Tonight’s big eviction show started off with the always welcomed image of the Chenbot standing just outside the Big Brother house. As she walked into her studio/lanai, we were able to admire her black-pants suit, which at first seemed modest but upon closer inspection, turned out to be quite the piece of provocative robotic apparel. At the top was some frilly, lacey business — it kind of looked like she had a giant garter belt wrapped around her chest. Then there were the pants. They seemed normal enough, but when the light hit them so, we could see that she was practically wearing mesh. For lack of a better word, holes seemed to line both pant legs — kind of like some bizarre, ill-advised cast-off outfit from a Project Runway audition. Nevertheless, it was perfect for the Chenbot, and she wore her lacy creation with ravishing zeal. Robotic sartorial perfection!
Anyway, Julie yammered away about what we’d be seeing tonight, and then when the time was right, she gave us the night’s first “But First!” This one came as she rose from the couch — a clever move that I like to call The Ascending But First (as opposed to the Rotating But First which occurs when she moves from one camera to another).
Well, we soon headed right back into the household and watched as Kaysar tried to save his hide. “I’m going to do everything in my power to stay in the game,” he said. Granted, Kaysar doing everything in his power to save himself is not always an encouraging sign. Let’s not forget Stupid Moves A through V since his short-lived return last season. Nevertheless, he cornered Erika in the backyard and reminded her, “I went out and campaigned for you.”
“I know,” she replied.
“So I’m not going to beg for a vote,” he said, “But…” BUT I’LL BEG FOR A VOTE. Don’t try to take the high road, Kaysar. Get on your knees and beg your ass off.
Of course, Erika didn’t want to commit to anything; so she tried to just play off the entire thing by saying, “I honestly don’t know if my vote makes a difference.” Translation: Yeah, I’m voting you off. Please don’t make this harder than it is.
Kaysar then tried to guilt Erika into a vote by noting that he’s put his ass out on the line for her. Last time I checked, he was targeting her alliance. Not sure how that counts as having her back. Ultimately, she simply requested more times to think things over, and so Kaysar went off to make more deals with people would snicker behind his back and screw him over.
We temporarily dropped in on James, who said he needed to get either Marcellas, George, or Erika’s vote to stay. This was clearly his to lose, especially if Kaysar was campaigning hard. And speaking of Kaysar, he then cornered Chicken George and tried to play the whole “We’re both good people” card. George admitted that he really liked “Kay-Zar” because early on, he was one of the few people who talked to him, and ultimately he said, “You’re one really good guy!” He then added, “A little stupid too. Heck, I’m Chicken George, and even I know you should have gotten rid of Dr. Will when you had the chance.”
Okay, he didn’t say that, but he did hug Kaysar, and feeling confident that he had maybe secured a vote, our beleaguered nominee then sought out Boogie for some lovin’. Kaysar told him that he wanted the three remaining season sixers and Chilltown to ally together and take out the floaters. Dammit, STOP FIXATING ON THE FLOATERS! Why would Boogie and Chilltown ever agree to that? Get rid of the floaters and then when it’s three vs. two, simply get picked off? You have to offer something better than that, Kaysar.
Ah, but I spoke too soon! Kaysar then said that because there’s loyalty in Chilltown and loyalty in season six (suppressing giggle), “that makes for better chemistry if we can pull everyone together.” Why yes. That makes perfect sense! Wait, huh? So Kaysar was basically offering chemistry. This was honestly some of the lamest negotiating since the days of Cappy. Even Terry from Survivor: Exile Island could do a better job than this.
Well, Boogie lied through his teeth and said he was down for it, and a cocky Kaysar returned to Janelle and reported the news. Kaysar knew that if he could just get Chilltown on his side, he could start “decimating” Marcellas, Erika, and Danielle, noting “Those are the clear targets.” NO, THEY’RE NOT. The clear targets are Will and Boogie! Could this season be any more frustrating? Of course, what would be truly fascinating would be if Janelle used her little Will and Boogie arrangement and requested that they save Kaysar. Then Chill Town would be in not such a hot position. Alas, Janelle didn’t think to do this, and instead, she and Kaysar just sat back and gloated. “They brought it upon themselves,” Kaysar said, regarding his planned wrath for the floaters. I don’t know why they had “brought it upon themselves.” Last time I checked, it was Will who had manipulated this war between the floaters and season six. You’d think Kaysar would see that, but then again, this is Kaysar we’re talking about. Janelle then joined in on the ignorant fun, saying, “This is really going to crush their dreams!” The two then cackled with hubris, clearly not realizing what fools they would most likely become.
“Hahahahaha we’re screwed.”
The Chenbot then returned to ask the house guests some lame questions that no one at home really cared about. Specifically, she asked everyone who played in this week’s veto competition if they were shocked by the number of prizes taken. Thirty-five minutes later, everyone had replied either yes or no, and we could move onto the next vapid question. To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember what Julie asked because we then saw Chicken George wearing a pimp suit, that afro-wig sticking out of his shirt like a giant bushel of chest hair. This ensemble was completed with a makeshift pipe that was put together with a straw and some sort of small round object like a shot glass or toilet paper roll or more intriguingly, a votive candle. You know, every time I start to warm up to this guy, he does something so annoyingly dumb that all my disdain and contempt returns in one fell swoop. Why, George, why?
After the commercial break, Julie then talked to us about the mothers of Chilltown: Judy and Bonnie. And yes, I was incredibly amused by those homely names. We then headed out to Basalt, CO where we met Will’s mom Judy who apparently lives in an oversized log cabin. Anyway, the best way to describe her would be Will with giant, curly hair. It really explained why he seems so beholden to that unwieldy mess atop his head. Well, Judy whipped out some old photos of Will, and we got to see him as a child and a college student. “For Will talking to Janelle, I can guarantee you it’s strategy,” Ma Kirby told us, flashing a huge, toothy grin in the process. The joy quickly faded, however, once she began talking about Howie. “You know, I wish he would keep his hands off him,” she scowled. Oh, c’mon Judy. Don’t be so angry. Show us that impossibly gigantic smile again!
We then zipped over to Gilford, NH where we met Bonnie, the sweet woman who spawned Mike Boogie. I don’t know how to describe her. She was like a human doily. Nevertheless, Bonnie showed us some childhood photos, and no surprise here, Mike was a huge dork growing up. Apparently he was chubby too, at least until middle school when he became… a speed skater? That’s a bit odd. To think that a guy who calls himself “Boogie” might have been on track to represent the United States in the Olympics. I’m already embarrassed just thinking about it.
Anyway, after showing us more pictures (including the most awkward baby photo EVER), Bonnie then surmised that Boogie and Erika might have a secret alliance. What she based this on, I don’t know. But maybe her HomelySense was acting up.
Even as a child, Boogie looked ridiculous.
She then said of Chill Town, “I think they just enjoy being evil!” The best part of this was that her inflection was pretty much the same as if she had said, “I think they just enjoy milk and cookies!” There’s nothing better than a perky mom saying “evil” like it’s the cutest thing ever.
We then returned to the Chenbot, and just when we thought we’d be getting our second “But First” of the evening, Julie threw us a curve ball. She actually said, “But James.” Does that count? I feel like it should, but at the same time, it really can’t. She better explain herself on The Early Show tomorrow.
Another commercial break came and went, and then it was time for Julie to talk with Danielle. There was a whole lot of blah blah blah about Danielle’s playing style, and at one point, Danielle said that James was the only person in the house she could trust. “No kidding,” Julie replied with ChenShock. Clearly, her system software was not prepared for such a response. I’m surprised she didn’t crash entirely, a sad Mac appearing in her eyes.
In what could only be an attempt to make her cry, Julie then asked Danielle how badly it hurt when James took the phone call from home, and sure enough, Dani began to get choked up. It would have been sweet had she not bawled over it like twenty times on Tuesday. You miss your daughters. WE GET IT.
Next, it was time to see the various house guests ponder who to evict. No one said anything very fascinating except for Will (of course) who said that he’d love to shock the Legion of Doom and boot James out. “I don’t trust him, and I’m in an alliance with him!” he said. It actually would be a good move. It would ensure that James and Danielle don’t get too much power. Of course, if Will were to evict James, Danielle would probably drop them and join the floaters 100%. So maybe it wouldn’t be a smart move. Oh, I don’t know anymore. You can’t tell up from down at a certain point with this show.
I thought we’d then go to another commercial, but I was wrong. Instead, Julie had the noms talk to the house. James, wearing a blazer that looked like it had been pooped on by a giant bird, thanked America for voting him into the house this season. Kaysar echoed the sentiment and added, “I’ve played the game as best as I can.” Unfortunately, his best has not been that good. Hence, the chopping block. Julie then had James walk into the diary room and reveal if he was planning to use that nifty “Nullify a vote” prize he had won during the spider web HOH competition. No hesitation here. James quickly and happily said, “Janelle. Vote. Gone.” That’s kind of how I order McDonalds. “Big Mac. Eat. Now.” It’s very effective.
“I’d just like to say that I had an unfortunate incident with a peacock just now. I do plan to have this dry cleaned.”
We then had another commercial break, and then it was time for the live voting — always an adventure with the Chenbot at the helm. First up was Marcellas who managed to trip over his mic wire. He headed towards the Diary Room; although, not before checking himself out in the mirror. Gotta make sure that bald head looks just right. Anyway, he voted to evict Kaysar, which was shocking since Julie had so happily mentioned just mere seconds earlier that Marcy had a crush on Kaysey. Marcellas and Kasyar sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
I would go on, but the imagery is already disturbing me too much.
Nevertheless, Marcellas headed out into the hallway where he received probably a very unwanted smooch from Howie. I’m sure an entire bottle of disinfectant was used later that evening. Anyway, Hurricane Howie covered his eyes and said, “Happy birthday Kaysar, Kaysar fans.” Wow. Didn’t realize it was Kaysar’s birthday today. Also didn’t realize that it was all of Kasyar’s fans’ birthdays too. How coincidental! Needless to say, Howie regretfully voted to evict James, and when he walked out in to the hallway, he channeled his guilt into passion as he practically assaulted Erika with a kiss on the head. Like Marcellas, she violently recoiled, most likely repressing the moment into the deepest, darkest corner of her memory.
Well, Erika voted to evict Kaysar, and next up was Janelle, who without hesitation voted to evict James. Of course, it didn’t matter since her vote had already been nullified. Will entered the room next, and when Julie said hi, he replied, “Hey, Jules. How are you?” Jules? Jules? SHE IS THE CHENBOT, DAMMIT! You shall address her with respect, not some wanton, colloquial nickname! For shame!
Anyway, Will voted to evict Kaysar, as did Boogie, and George (who again called him Kay-Zar, as if he were some alien leader from an old ’50s sci-fi movie). Sure enough, this was all very bad news for the former King. Kaysar was a goner. On the plus side, this eviction did bring about the first ChenFlub of the night: “It is official,” she said. “James — Pardon me — KAYSAR has been evicted!” It wasn’t as grandiose as the time when Julie accidentally told Nakomis she had won HOH (warranting a flurry of apologies later to Kaysar, the true winner), but still, we enjoyed this hiccup.
The Chenbot then delivered the news to the household, and as James hugged Kaysar goodbye, it looked like he said into his ear, “I love you, man.” He’s gone, James. No need to play the part anymore. Others got in on the hug action, and Janelle did the little “Whattup, KAYsar!” thing, but it just wasn’t very endearing now that season six had fallen from idolized alliance to confederacy of dunces. You can’t bring the glory of last season back, Janelle. Not even in a little joke.
Well, Kaysar left the house to random applause from his roommates, and then in an unprecedented move, he brought his bag all the way over to Julie’s couch. Normally she sternly forces evictees to leave all belongings outside her domain. Kaysar must have been really working the charm to get his duffel bag all the way into her inner sanctum.
The Chenbot greeted this once beloved house guest with a nice ribbing as she said, “Happy Birthday!… This is not your gift, by the way.” This immediately had me wondering just what sort of gift had Julie procured for King Kaysar. A t-shirt? A vase? A loofa sponge? Between this and the whole duffel bag situation, I was starting to think the Chenbot was all about being besties with Kaysar. A Friendpire, if you will.
Well, the friendliness died out pretty quickly as Julie went out of her way to make Kaysar feel mighty uncomfortable. After he did a whole spiel about not campaigning against James and wanting to mend their friendship and be fighting together until the very end, Julie happily said, “Well, I have something to reveal to you.”
Oh damn! Oh damn! Chenbot’s running her CrushKaysar.exe application!
“James is in a secret alliance with Danielle, Mike Boogie, and Will,” she said, Kaysar’s face registering shock. “They call their alliance The Legion of Doom.” Oh no she di’int!!! As Kaysar reeled from this info, Julie then rubbed salt in his wounds by reading certain quotes from James about Janelle.
“A stupid bitch,” Julie said (and yes, it always is a massive thrill to hear her say the word “bitch”). She then read, “This Anna Nicole Smith wannabe is probably the dumbest person to ever play the game.”
“Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Chenbot?”
Well, Kaysar went from shocked to absolutely destroyed. He looked like his whole world had just caved in on him. At certain points, he seemed like he was on the verge of tears. “I guess it just goes to show I’m not cut out for this game,” he said as I whipped out a violin and began playing it. Yes, Kaysar’s just too good of a person to play Big Brother. Can’t put a delicate flower like him in such a toxic environment. He’ll wilt and die!!!
We then moved onto the goodbye messages, which kicked off with Erika crying, of course. There were a few nice ones from Janelle and others, and then Boogie came on to say, “You shoulda got down with Chill Town earlier.” Sucka! No Geisha House for you! But this was just the warmup for Will who said, “I hate to say this, but somehow ‘I told you so’ just doesn’t cut it. I told you James was gonna peel off, and he did with me. For the time being, I have James, and well, he stabbed you in the back.” Let’s just talk about how ingenious this comment was. First, it proved to Kaysar that he had been a total dumbass — that Chill Town was working against him all this time. Secondly, it managed to put the bulk of the blame on Kaysar and James, when in fact it was Will who was truly instrumental in orchestrating James’s defection. In the battle of the wits, Kaysar had clearly lost. He had said many times that he wasn’t afraid of Will. Now maybe he saw how naive he had been. Eh, probably not.
Finally, James addressed Kaysar and said that he couldn’t sit by and watch Janelle lead the team into a situation where they’d all be picked off. He then said he’d given four weeks of chances, but the alliance had stabbed him in the back every opportunity they’d had. I would be empathetic to James about this, except let’s not forget who wasted a nomination on Chicken George. James can blame Janelle all he wants for the floater debacle, but James had a real chance to take care of Chill Town, and he’s screwed it up.
Well, if Kaysar was in shock before the videos, he was now borderline ready to pass out with over-stimulation. Luckily, the Chenbot was there to stick it to him once again, revealing that James was merely a pawn to get rid of Janelle. As Kaysar stammered a response, Julie said, “I hope your birthday gets better from here.” Oh SNAP! Chenbot hits it out of the ball park! Looks like somebody installed the YoMomma.exe program on her hard drive!
“If only there were a floater I could whisper about…”
After the break, a smiling Julie — still coasting on the high from kicking dirt in Kaysar’s face — told us that the Big Brother house was haunted! Oooh! What delightful antics would be coming our way? Well, the producers decided to freak out the house guests by having former cast members from the past several seasons show up in the various mirrors that line the walls. The first time it happened, Erika was sitting in the kitchen, staring at the wall when suddenly, a red, glowing ALISON appeared in the mirror! Erika completed freaked out, and quite honestly, I would too if I saw Alison in my mirror. Amusingly enough, no one really believed Erika when she told them. Will even commented, “You might have had a slop hallucination.” It was very possible. After all, prior to this week, Chicken George had been seeing Liza Minelli crawling on the ceiling.
Our second ghostly contact occurred in one of the bedrooms as Janelle lay in her bed unsuspectingly. Suddenly, Alison (or maybe Holly) appeared in the mirror, causing Janelle to let out a bloodcurdling scream. I’m not even joking. My blood was curdled. If Janelle were to have any sort of movie career, it would have to be in horror. That bitch is a scream queen waiting to happen.
Now, if I heard a girl scream like that in my home, I’d probably come rushing to her side, asking urgently what was wrong. Instead, Danielle sauntered in the room and blandly asked, “What.” (I didn’t even include a question mark, she was that nonplussed). How could you not be totally alarmed after a scream like that? Danielle acted as if Janelle had merely asked someone to tell her about the paper industry.
We then saw another ghost appear in a mirror, and I couldn’t tell who it was. Honestly, it looked like Mark Long from Road Rules. I was very confused. Would Coral turn up next? Maybe The Miz? Best crossover ever!
Seriously, is that Mark Long?
Well, this all led to a goofy sequence where the “ghosts” of former cast members took things out of the household. And by the way, this was probably the worst collection of Big Brother stars ever. From season one, there was a chicken. Yes, a stupid chicken. Season two had Bunky. Representing season three was the God-awful Josh. Season four was the aforementioned über-shrew Alison. Season five was none other than ear-piercing Holly. And showing up for season six was none other than the one and only CAPPY. I couldn’t tell if this was absolutely awful or incredibly perfect. I think it was the latter.
“Boogie don’t like no ghosts! Out of my way bitches!”
After the “ghosts” had absconded with all their items, we then cut to the “BB All-Stars Seance,” also know as the cheesiest event of the summer — which is why I loved it. Basically, the house guests all sat on sofas and stared at the mirrors in which the various ghosts appeared one at a time. The producers simultaneously played a pre-recorded track to accompany each ghost. First up was Bunky who threatened to unleash a tarantula in the house. He then cried for ten minutes.
Next was Alison who “said”, “Don’t worry, Erika and Janelle. I’m not real — just like you’re… well, I think we all know!” ZING! Best Ghost Zing EVER! This show was en fuego tonight! Somebody get Nick Cannon because Big Brother was Wild ‘n’ Out!
Josh then appeared and said that Marcellas’s robe smelled like defeat (eh), and next was Holly who screeched, “Paging Dr. Delicious!” Oh, my ears. She alerted the house that she had stolen a duck, and this was followed with the obligatory, “Quack quack.” But just imagine the worst “Quack quack” you’ve ever heard IN YOUR LIFE. Yeah, that’s what it sounded like.
Cappy then popped up, and while all the other ghosts had hammed up their lines, he read his words in a stilted monotone, once again reminding us why he was such a putz in the first place. “Hey guys. Remember the ghost of Cappy from last year?” he asked. Honestly, he was making the Chenbot sound like Kelly Ripa. He then ended his little speech by saying, “Lights out, bitches!” Oh Cappy. How we’ve missed you so. I’ve already built a shrine for you.
Lastly, the stupid chicken showed up, and it had stolen George’s equally stupid chicken necklace. Thank god. Get that thing out of here.
After having seen this stirring sequence, it was now time for the HOH competition. Julie would be asking true or false questions about the seance. If a house guest answered incorrectly, he or she would be eliminated. If everyone answered correctly, however, then the slowest person would be cut. Okay, awesome. Let’s get this party started!
I won’t bother writing out the questions because who really cares anyway. I’ll just give you the results. For the first round, George was the slowest and was cut. Next, Marcellas got the boot for being slow as well, and as he walked off, he was sure to primp the big afro wig which now sat atop his head. Hey, wasn’t that the same wig that was just stuffed in George’s shirt ten minutes ago? You know, all pressed up against his chest and nipples? Live it up, Marcellas!
Janelle was eliminated next for getting the wrong answer, and then the controversy began. For the next question, everyone rang in with an answer except Howie. This, of course, caused the Chenbot to nearly explode. “Howie, we need an answer,” she said with quiet rage. Well, Howie was shocked. He had already hit the buzzer, he insisted. Technical malfunction! Time for the Tivo! Upon second viewing, it was clear that Howie certainly made a motion like he had hit the buzzer, but unfortunately, from our angle, we couldn’t tell if he had actually made contact with his buzzer or not. It’s very possible that he thought he had hit it, but in reality, he had missed it. I guess we’ll never know. Either way, Howie was eliminated, thus bringing about the sort of rage we hadn’t seen since those classic run-ins with Busto.
As Hurricane Howie brewed on the sidelines, the game continued. Will answered incorrectly and was cut, followed by Boogie who was too slow on the next question. This left only Erika and James, either one sure to be an interesting HOH. For the final question, Erika managed to ring in first, thus securing herself the victory and placing the first true floater into the power position. Everyone hugged her, but Howie still muttered, “Fuckin’ bullshit, man!” Yes, this would be a very interesting week…
We then returned to the studio where — oops! — Julie didn’t know she was on the air. YES. Granted, nothing major happened. She merely stared off to the side, waiting for a prompt, but any time the Chenbot shows wear and tear, it’s always great television. Sadly, she rebounded quickly and without incident, alerting us that the Coup D’Etat was coming up next. Yay!
Looks like somebody just got a 404 File Not Found
After the break, Julie explained the way this new twist worked. Basically, in any of the next three eviction episodes, the winner of the coup d’etat would have the ability to overthrow the HOH and replace the noms right before the voting took place. But there was more: no one except the winner would know what this power was until it was used. AWESOME. Love the twist. This will be great, especially since the eviction episodes haven’t been terribly exciting thus far.
Julie then told the house guests that there was a new power up for grabs. Over the next few days, they’d be given clues to “a well known phrase that applies to the Big Brother game.” Whoever knew the phrase could go into the diary room and disclose the answer. First to correctly answer would win — BUT FIRST (I said it, not her) — house guests would only have one chance to give an answer. Very tricky. I can’t wait to see how this plays out.
Anyway, the Chenbot announced that the first clue was already inside the house; so everyone filed back into the living room where they found… a sheep! Random. But at least it wasn’t that awful mime from season four. I kind of loved this new addition. Every Big Brother household should have a farm animal roving about. Not only would it be funny to see everyone dealing with the inevitable poop, but the sheer joy of watching the animal knock things over would be awesome (the sheep nearly destroyed an Ikea lamp in the short time that we saw it tonight).
“Would you be a lamb and stop staring at me? (See what I did there? I used ‘lamb’ ironically. Yeah, I’m pretty much the Dane Cook of the lamb world).”
Well, with a pretty little flower wrapped around its neck, the lamb roved around the house, not so much Bah-ing as it was belching and grunting. Unsurprisingly, Howie took a shine to this little beast, and he lovingly stroked its wool like a long lost puppy.
“Howie, you get to spoon finally, dude!” Will called out over the closing credits. I’m not sure if he was joking either.
What did you think about this episode? Happy with the eviction? Did the house guests make the right choice? And what do you think the phrase is? (One reader already suggested “A wolf in sheep’s clothing.”)
Update: Due to technical difficulties, the HOH competition has been redone. Please do not post the results in this comment section.