Big Brother: Sheila Finally Gets Some Dick

Previously on Big Brother, the showmance known as Jamelsia started to dissolve when people realized that it was a really stupid name.

Chelsames?

This week James and Chelsia are on the block and it may very well be driving them completely insane. Both nominees strut around the kitchen mocking themselves and their fellow houseguests using the Adam Sandler “shoobedahdoo” voice, in turn annoying everyone else so that they retire to the HOH room to get away from them. When James and Chelsia finally come down off their nomination high, or more likely, coke-high, they move to their secret love-pantry for awkward hugging making sure that their groins don’t touch. Chelsia is very sad that she could leave the house this week, and more terrified that she will be stuck alone in a house with Matt.

Sheila is in the HOH room bitching about something irrelevant (thanks Schoonie!) and commenting on how Chelsia declined her offer for a hug. Natalie commends Moose on his smart thinking and for changing his mind about nominating Nader since that would be throwing his vote.

A little later James tries to convince Chelsia to throw the Veto game since he’s already been evicted once. Just like their sexual games, they should alternate getting screwed. Chelsia thinks for a moment and then says that she wants to stay in the house but thanks for the offer. This whirlwind romance may be coming to a tumultuous, tattooed, annoying end.

Tempting, stud, but NO.

As you recall Ryan screwed the pooch last week and lost his dream vacation to a strip bar in Vegas. Moose calls everyone to the living room to inform the winners of the luxury movie competition that one of them will be receiving the trip in his stead. The prize ticket is in one of the boxes of stale popcorn before them so they grab frantically and dig in. Chelsia doesn’t screw around so she just dumps hers out on the table revealing the ticket, in dramatic slow motion. So now it will be Chelsia who slips a 20 in a stripper’s G-string right below her C-section scar. Now Chelsia will be the one who eats too much all-you-can-eat shrimp and has to be rushed to the emergency room for iodine poisoning. Chelsia will be the one sucking out her gold fillings before the casino bank can rip them out with a pair of pliers to recoup her debt. Congratulations Chelsia. What happens in Vegas can still be transmitted between flare-ups. All of these things are taped in Natalie’s wishbook so she pouts and drowns her sorrows in floor popcorn while Sheila, Josh, Sharon and Chelsia go to the HOH room for their movie.

Sheila is thrilled that she is getting to go to the movie since all she does outside of the house is go to the movies with her son. A sad, sad life she has. We get an extended preview of the soon-to-be-hit movie 21 starring some kid and the guy that played the coked out day trader in Working Girl and try as they may it still looks just awful. After the movie the four houseguests rave about it, but after not seeing any movie for months even I Am Legend would be good.

It’stimetopickplayersforthevetocompetition!! However this time players are being picked at night as opposed to the morning as usual. This makes everyone suspicious that something big, evil and annoying is coming their way and they may just be right. Sharon and Josh are the players picked randomly from the bag, the bag being Sheila. Ryan is pissed that the players turned out exactly the way James and Chelsia would have wanted and everything seems to be going their way. He can’t figure out why the horrible things that should be happening to awful people keep happening to him.

Downstairs James is doing a hodown to celebrate his adept skill in name drawing and his possible chances to stay. After everyone falls asleep we hear hardcore generic rock music indicating it’s now time for Evel Dick to enter.

I suddenly realize that I have to poop.

It’s last season, obviously, as Evel Dick starts banging pots and pans as a wake up call for everyone in the house. Amber overeats and says she’s going to be a model while Jen chooses which stripper shoes make her breasts look bigger. All of the houseguests are thrilled t see a real-live celebrity in their house, but again, sensory deprevation makes even the most meth-faced, mallternative, poser look like someone that you’d want to speak to. Natalie reminds everyone that she was right in assuming Dick was coming back based on her divination that the number 8 was significant. Now that she got one thing right, there will be no stopping her. Speaking of dick, Moose comes out of the HOH room diddling his when he is woken up.

You thought I was kidding.

This is the Veto competition that the houseguest, and I, despise the most where they have to down wicked concoctions of putrid liquid in the fastest time and then play croquet. Dick informs them that if any player gets more points than Dick did last season, 33, then they will win a new guitar, which is apparently really nice by music lover standards.

After everyone has had their turn in drinking the shots, they are all called back out to find the results; Joshua, Sharon and Chelsia all score the lowest because they are lame and don’t really care, other than Chelsia who kicks herself for not taking croquet as her gym credit instead of mumbly peg. Sheila is up next and does very well at the croquet portion, obviously from all her years at finishing school, finishing with 23 points. Adam drank 8 of the 10 shots and after croquet ends up with 28 points, taking the veto from Sheila. James of course downed all 10 shots, since he’s had much worse things in his mouth, but sadly chokes during the croquet portion, but then luckily squeaks by with ONE point above Moose. James is the winner of the Veto securing his safety for another week. Go team James!

Chelsia is pissed off because she will probably go home and feels that bringing back James was the biggest mistake of her life, other than her hair. Chelsia and James meet in the love-pantry to hug it out like a couple bitches. James tells Chelsia “I love you” and he honestly means it and Chelsia replies, “I know” and she honestly means that as well. Go back to dick James. Boys aren’t nearly as duplicitous or fickle.

Does it smell like wet newspaper in here or is it me?

Josh is sweating his tiny dick off because he knows that either he or Sheila will probably go on the block. He needs to work double time to make sure that Moose puts up Sheila instead of him so he pulls his knee-pads and wig out of their crate. Ryan and James meet in the love-panty to chat and Ryan reminds Josh that Sharon could also be put up. Josh realizes that this is an option since Sharon is a dedicated fag hag and will do anything that he says.

Josh uses his homo mind tricks on Sharon and somehow convinces her to offer herself up in a Big Brother sacrificial jihad. After Josh convinces Sharon to go on the block for him, Sharon goes to Moose and basically pleads to be put up as a pawn since nothing bad ever happens to pawns. Later Sharon is delighted that she will be going on the block and shares this info with Natalie and Josh. Natalie confesses that she thinks Josh is the evil mastermind behind Sharon nominating herself and begins to realize that Josh is a force to be rectumed with.

Moose and Natalie are chatting in the HOH about how they need to get strength from God to send James home, not realizing that James already asked for God’s strength which is why he’s doing so well. Natalie also mentions that Josh is a big threat in the house because he has not been on the block for 7 weeks and recommends that they put Josh on the block in place of James. This will cause Sharon to come to the dark side with them and will strengthen their alliance against James and unbeknownst to them, God. Ryan swaggers in and the great debate begins since Ryan wants to keep his DL partner in the competition and send out Chelsia.

A boy and his bear.

Later the producers send James to the wall to pretend he’s going to use the Veto on anyone other than himself. Immediately afterward James calls everyone to the living room for the Veto meeting. After Chelsia speaks selflessly telling James that he should use the Veto on himself, James shockingly announces that he is going to use the Veto on himself. James makes a speech about how he will now play with vengeance and will smite those that stand in his way. Moose has the thankless job of replacing James’ moist spot on the couch. He fumbles through his speech making Stallone look verbose and loquacious before nominating Sharon for eviction as previously determined.

Did Moose finally make some correct decisions in his life? Will people finally wise up and realize that Josh may be the new Evil Dick Smoker this season? Will Natalie conjecture that Nakomis will be back in week 9 since there are nine letters in her name? Find out the answer to these and many more questions Thursday. In the meantime, please leave a comment. I have so little in my life.