When we caught our first glimpses of Big Brother 6, a lot of people were worried. We saw all of the beautiful people and lamented at how boring they would all be. We learned that each of the houseguests would have a partner going into the house and decided that it was the dumbest twist ever, made only worse when we learned that the whole thing was going to be wrapped into what the producers were calling “Summer of Secrets.” Yes, my confidence wavered a little bit – until I remembered a few things. First, the house was full of humans, and whenever you get enough of us in one place, we make sure to destroy everything in sight. Second, I was still going to get a healthy dose of Julie Chen, and that is plenty to keep me happy for the summer.This post is a special one for TVgasm. Notice the number. 1000! Well, technically, it’s not 1000 because some entries were deleted and their numbers were just skipped, but I don’t want to count. I have to say that I am very happy to be able to share the 1000th post with Julie Chen. Some people have e-mailed me to let me know that Julie Chen is on five days a week, if only I would watch the early show. And sure, if I wanted my time with Julie to be boring, I could take her in every day, but then Big Brother just wouldn’t be the same, now would it?
It was the fourth week of our summer Chenwatch, and she seemed a little bit more composed that day, at least with her speech. Her wardrobe was a different matter. We opened up the show by zooming in on Julie, looking very crisp in a white pantsuit. We love Julie’s pantsuits because she can do them in so many ways, and it’s always our best chance for a little camel toe. Sadly, the camel toe did not make an appearance today, which makes it four weeks of live Julie without the knuckles coming out. It could be a record, but she did make up for it. I was thinking that there must be a plumbing problem in her house, because she had her pants tied up like she was ready for a flood. Maybe she was back from some humanitarian work in India. Who knows? The Chelmet was also out of sorts. She usually keeps those locks under control, but she had cowlicks flying everywhere today. The Chenbot maintenance team is going to be scolded for such oversights.
Maybe the frayed hair was due to some frayed wiring, because as Julie told us she was going to take a look inside the house, she looked over and reacted like the television wasn’t supposed to be there. She looked back at the camera and continued her line, telling us we would be right back. And the biggest surprise? No “But First!” during the opening segment. Oh, for shame.
Hasn’t this week been absolutely perfect? I think that it is fair to say that most of us in the gasmverse have a little bit of hatred for Eric, and you know, even I felt bad about making fun of him and accusing him of using steroids, beating his wife, and having small genitals. But then Eric opens his mouth, and I’m not sorry anymore. When talking about being nominated, Eric said it didn’t surprise him in the least, and that his enemies weren’t even worthy of his “eyesight” (or his hat, in James’ case)! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Uh, Eric, about 90% of the population is saying the same for you.
And in case those type of comments didn’t have me questioning Eric’s sanity, he continued with a lot of other great observations. For instance, after the nominations, he didn’t want to talk to anybody. OK, fine. Even though you told everybody all week it wasn’t personal, but were clearly the person taking it as a personal insult more than anybody else, you are entitled to your space. But do you have to be such a dumbass? Sarah wanted to say something, perhaps to you, know, show some sportsmanship, but Eric wasn’t having any of it. He told Sarah that she should just give him respect. Oh Eric, you meant like all of that respect you showed everybody in the house while you were HOH? Lead by example, captain.
As if that wasn’t dumb enough, Eric proceeded to tell Sarah “Don’t piss in my ear and tell me it’s raining.” The phrase is “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Judge Judy put it in on the cover of book. The only other person I have heard use the phrase like that is Karen from Big Brother 5. It kind of makes you wonder what other sayings Eric might like to say. “Don’t shit where I eat, because I might think it’s cake;” “Don’t jizz on my cupcakes and tell me it’s frosting;” “Don’t stick a shampoo bottle in my ass and tell me I’m getting a prostrate exam;” or the ever-popular “Don’t put my hand in a blender and tell me it’s chili.” I am also getting sick of Eric and his stupid jerseys and hats. Vegas Fire. Yes we know, it’s hot in Vegas and you are a firefighter, so it’s a double dose of irony when you wear the shirt, but damn! Instead of buying up a hat or t-shirt from eveyr single fire engine company that has ever seen, try spending $20 at the GAP. They have these things called “polo shirts,” and they can even mellow out an idiot like you.
Now, we all know that Eric is as dirty a player and as big of a backstabber as anybody in the game, arguably for much smaller reasons than Kaysar had thought. Sarah made it a point to say how he’s not living by his word, but you see, it was Kaysar who made the oath. I didn’t see Kaysar put his hand on a Koran, or say “I swear to God” or “I swear on my life,” but if Eric remember it, it must be true. Sexual harassment, blasphemy, he just doesn’t need much evidence. April tries to calm him down by saying that he should worry and that Eric’s decision is going to be between him and his maker. WHAT?! Yeah April, I’ll be waiting for the Imam in Orange County to issue a fatwa against lying to midget infidels. Not gonna happen.
Things calmed down a little bit, although Eric even found time to accuse Ivette of being in on the plan, which says as much about Eric’s paranoia as it does about Kaysar’s method of springing this nomination out of nowhere. But seriously, you had to know that Eric was going to be a goner, and with that knowledge, and a little bit of an attempt by the producers to cause some misdirection, we started hearing Maggie and Eric talk about how everybody was making a big mistake and that she was the smarter player. Perhaps this is true and perhaps Maggie was laying low waiting to strike. We’ll just have to wait until she wins HOH to see if she’s just talking bullshit or not.
It was now time for Julie’s little talk with the houseguests. She had the normal question to James, asking what a roller coaster ride it was for him. After then the funniest thing happened. While Julie was waiting for a response, she sort of stuck her tongue out and licked her lips, perhaps believing it was east coast time and the muscle memory was telling her she should be smooching with Les. As amusing as that was, the funniest part of the sequence was when she talked to April about PB&J. April said she hated it because she lost some weight, but she didn’t just say she lost some weight, she made sure to say “I entered the house about 108″ and that she may be down to 102. Well, I am not so sure how much she weighed, buy do you honestly believe she was 108? We all know that she has lost weight, but it’s not from PB&J, it’s just the natural effects of osteoporosis. I think she was just retaining more water since menopause, so she is just noticing the weight coming off now.
Julie finally asked a question to Beau, probably realizing the rest of the country was thinking about an Amber Alert since we haven’t seen him in so long. Beau is gay, so of course he gets a fashion question. Instead of “who has the most fashion sense?” (he said Ivette) or “the worst fashion sense” (Eric and Howie), why don’t you ask “So, the producers think you are boring and never show your face during the week. Is this because you are autistic or gay?” Sorry, that makes no sense, I was imagining how it would go if Ivette was trying to do the same thing. Finally, we get to Howie. Julie asks him to spell “rhubarb.” Oh, I can’t wait! Howie is so funny, everybody is going to die laughing just hearing his voice. Un, no. Howie spells rhubarb, and the only person who laughed was Julie Chen. Chenbot loves her built-in applause and laughter functions.
After that interview, we learned that we would get some information about the girl from Minnesota and the person who emigrated to the Unted States from Iraq. At first, I was like “What, Eric is from Iraq?” because usually the segments are on the nominees and not the people who nominated them. Quite obviously, Kaysar was from Iraq, which meant Janelle is from Minnesota. It’s really great to see these familty insights, because usually they are forced to rationalize their relative’s asinine behavior in front of the cameras. This time though, it was very nice, with both families basically agreeing that their loved one was intelligent, and they weren’t surprised at all that Janelle an Kaysar had teamed up. This segment gave us two “Captain Obvious” moments. First, it is obvious that Janelle’s Mom is younger than April (and Janelle is not bad looking with brown hair, I might add). Second, Kaysar’s sister, Dalia (who had a very sweet young boy wearing a darling Kaysar shirt, almost as cute as that baby picture of Kaysar we saw a few moments later) said that all the girls in the house wearing bikinis are not really the type of women Kaysar would normally meet in their culture. We love you Dalia, but when you came on in your hijab, we kind of figured that out pretty quickly.
The last segment before the big reveal was some clips of the houseguests putting together the biggest secret so far in the game – the fact that everybody had partners. We remember when Eric kind of flew off of the handle after his nomination and called out Sarah and James. Well, after that, everybody got together and started talking about the pairs. It has been quite apparent, and Eric and Maggie asked if they confessed would everybody else confess. Everybody agreed, but Ivette had a strange look on her face. No, she wasn’t surprised at how much her ass has expanded since the beginning of the show, she was apparently the only person in the house who didn’t have any inkling about the pairs. She said she needed some Xanax, and I agree, but think she should do us all a favor and take the whole bottle. Maybe after her stomach is pumped, her throat will be too raw to talk. Sucking Eric’s balls all summer surely hasn’t made her hoarse.
Everybody started admitting to things, but April and Jen and Ivette and Beau tried to keep the ruse alive that they didn’t know each other. We know that Julie is going to reveal that everybody has a partner, but they didn’t, so they were trying to pull off the lie for as long as possible. The problem is that the longer they deny it, the less effect it has when they admit it. James and Sarah tried to keep the charade, but realized they would gain more from being truthful, and they gained a big alliance. Jenny and April and Ivette and Beau are doing a decent job, but they really sound stupid as they are trying to convince the others of how they didn’t know each other.
Eventually, the pressure from the houseguests was too much, and the holdouts began admitting to having a relationship, but refused to admit how close they were. April and Jenny came up with saying that they had seen each other like three times before coming into the house, and Ivette said largely the same thing about her and Beau. She did say that there was another reason they put her and Beau together, and after Cappy put two and two together, he realized Ivette was gay. I guess she’s been doing a pretty good job keeping her little secret, but I still think it’s not long before April says something.
Finally, it’s time for the eviction. As always, both nominees had a chance for some final words. They both made it a point of thanking Big Brother (is that a contract obligation that they can’t say CBS or Viacom?) and thanking the houseguests, and Eric made a point of talking about his integrity. Anybody who has to brag about something all the time usually has a deficiency in that area. Howie he likes to talk about his sexual prowess; for Eric, it’s his integrity. Both probably aren’t 10% as great as they make themselves out to be.
The vote ended up being split down party lines, and Eric went home with a 5-4 vote. YES! His exit was fairly bitter. Although it was just a game, and he was cool with everybody all week, he didn’t look anybody in the eye unless they voted for him. He gave hugs all around, and told people not to cry in his ear and tell him it’s raining. Just kidding of course, but that would have been hilarious. There was no talk of karma boomerangs, and Eric left for his exit interview.
One of the things that always bothered me about Eric was that he always wore a stupid hat. Call me old fashioned, but I sort of like it when everybody gets dressed up for evictions, or at least puts on a skirt. Eric did neither, apparently unable to find any khakis in all of Las Vegas. And just as classy, he kept his backwards hat on for the interview. I thought Marvin looked stupid with the dog collar last year, but Eric may be just as dumb.
Eric gave an average interview. Julie asked him about going from first to worst, and he tried to put the blame on deals that were broken. Julie then surprised us by asking a relevant question, i.e. if Eric was one of the people breaking deals. Eric acknowledged that he broke a deal with James because of an allegiance to Maggie, but still blamed it all on Kaysar’s betrayal. Maybe they were right calling Eric the stupid one. If he didn’t get in a hissy fit about April’s fear that Michael might get too close and see all the scars from her plastic surgery and nominate Michael, Eric would not have been evicted this week. Kaysar never would have nominated him if he believed Eric was going to stay true to that original alliance. Remember that one? Eric was paranoid about the girls picking the guys off one by one. Was that a lie so he could get close to the women and betray the guys? Looks like it from here.
When he was done, Eric left us with one more thing to remember him by. After Maggie’s tearful goodbye to Eric, and Julie extended her hand to wish him luck/suck the life force from him, he said “Thank you JUUlieee”[click here for audio] and his voice cracked. Since you might not hear from me after Eric sends his goon squads to the TVgasm offices, I thought I would get one more dig in. I hope you enjoy.
That leaves us with the HOH competition, and we had a Big Brother staple, the bocce ball competition, or “Power Roller” as we heard it. Power Roller was basically bocce ball. The contestants had to roll a ball and get it as close as possible to the center of a target on the other end. There were several holes on the board, including one in the middle of the target. Rolling your ball in the hole meant a disqualification. Janelle went first, and although she was pretty far away from the center, it looked like she would win HOH. Everybody else was rolling it long or getting it in the hole. Julie gave us another great sound clip after April’s ball fell into the hole, giving a nice little “oohhhhhh”[click here for audio] , that I have played only around 1,000 times since making the clip.
I was so very excited for a Janelle household, because I think she would absolutely be brutal in her rule, especially towards April and Ivette, and they are my least favorite. But then something better happened – Maggie won. Oh man, if there was a nightmare scenario for the alliance of six, this was it. Now, it’s still up in the air how good Maggie is at scheming, because she seemed very naive in the first few weeks, but maybe that chess game opened her eyes. Maggie’s win is not the best for the people I want to see win (Janelle), but it really is the best for the viewer, probably almost as good as Kaysar. It’s going to be another great week.
Who is Maggie going to nominate? Will she let her emotions or brain rule her decisions? And finally, WHERE IS THE CHEN CAMEL TOE?! I’M DYING HERE.