What a strange beast Big Brother is. It can make us so happy and optimistic that good will prevail in the universe, and then a heartbeat later dash all our hopes, leaving us with nothing but a dystopian view of our miserable future. Such was the case tonight (and to be fair, at the end of Saturday as well) when Beau-Beau won HOH and once again lit a fire under our favorite alliance, the Sovereign Six (or Sovereign Three, really). All in all, it was a fairly humdrum episode, made interesting only by the continued idiocy that has become a trademark of The Friendship. But hey, at least the Cappy shrine made a triumphant return, and that’s always got to count for a few laughs.Tuesday night’s episode began with the triumphant eviction of Little Jennifer, the one-time wallflower and current public enemy #1. The Friendship, of course, took the loss roughly, with tears and hugs had by all. James, however, didn’t care. “Clears up a cot,” he noted dryly. April, on the other hand, had a much more emotional response. “Hugging her goodbye was so hard,” she explained as we watched her blubbering face bid Jennifer adieu. Why so emotional, April? After all, according to you, you guys didn’t even know each other! Right? Right??
Perhaps the most prescient response came from Howie of all places as he told the outgoing cheerleader, “See you next week, Jen!” Who knew that his little joke might be coming true? Of course, since this was Howie we were talking about, he immediately followed up his comment with a typically naive statement in the diary room: “The house is gonna be a little safer.” For about ten minutes at least. Yes, that’s because our favorite personal shopper won Head of Household, and sadly, we had to watch the whole competition outcome all over again. Why must we relive these painful memories, Big Brother? Why? It was all I could do to not turn the channel while Beau shrieked and squealed like a balloon animal slowly losing air (can we call him Beau-loon now? Eh, might not have enough bite to it).
Of course, all of America felt their hearts sink as it became readily apparent that Beau would be nominating one of our faves. There was no point in even creating misdirection. Beau has been a steadfast follower of the Cappy order, and as far as we could tell, the only independent thoughts that’ve exited his mouth have been the frequent utterances of “Oh my god!!” As a result, all of Kaysar’s depleted alliance felt the bullseyes on their backs, especially Janelle who noted, “I feel like I’m kind of a huge target because I think I told all of America that he’s basically a raging alcoholic and a male prostitute posing as a personal shopper.” If it makes her feel any better, we still hate him. And by the way, since it’s looking a bit grim in the Kaysar Klan department, why don’t we take out our aggression on the CBS polls. Everyone go over there and give everyone in The Friendship a big, fat 1 in the popularity poll. That way, when these dolts exit the house with half a million bucks, they’ll at least have their happiness dampened by the knowledge that America can’t stand them.
Having the Best Week Ever though was Ivette who happily bounced around in the food storage room. Sadly, this also constituted her exercise regimen for the week. Anyway, she was on cloud nine that her little Beau-vine had won HOH, and unsurprisingly, he was psyched too. After all, now he could get revenge on Kaysar’s group for causing him to break out in icky “stress pimples”, not to be confused with his “stress anal herpes”.
In the Gold Room, Rachel and Howie had a little picnic amidst the piles of laundry (or “stress laundry”, as Beau calls it). The two finally admitted that they hadn’t played the game so well in the recent weeks. “We made some critical, critical errors,” bemoaned Rachel. “I take it all the way back to your HOH.” EXXXXXXACTLY!!!! Hey Rachel and Howie: do you hear that? It’s the sound of America screaming, “WE TOLD YOU SO!!!” Oh, I could shake you! I ought to just walk right down to your sound stage and somehow launch a paper airplane into your backyard with a simple note that says, “Thanks for ruining summer, HOWIE!”
If it’s any consolation, there was some mild satisfaction in watching Howie and Rachel eat a fresh batch of humble pie. “We played a bad game,” Howie and Rachel reiterated. Yes you did! I mean, how am I supposed to stand here as a blogger and accuse The Friendship of being idiots when you guys are the ones bumbling left and right? Do you realize all the holes in my argument you’ve created??? I expect apologies! Not you, Janelle. You’re always a-okay in my book.
“I can’t handle it if any one of them wins,” said Janey, subtly implying the demise of her alliance. Listen, no one will be more hurt than the loyal readers of TVgasm. I can guarantee you that.
Janelle expresses her frustration through spontaneous Kabuki theater.
So anyway, with Beau newly installed as HOH, it was time for the household to check out his room. This of course necessitated me lowering the volume on my TV in anticipation of the general Friendship cacophony that results from Beau’s squealing and Ivette’s 150 decibel shouting. Sure enough, Beauvette erupted into the whirlwind of grating noise we had so deeply feared, and as Hearing-Aid stock shot through the roof, we saw that our new HOH had received, as usual, a basket full of snacks (omg), a CD (OMG), pictures of the fam (OMG!!), pictures of his dog Peanut (OMG!!! OMG!!!), and lastly, a slab of rock with the word “Love” glued to it (OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! SQUEAL SQUEAL!!! OMG OMG!!). Yes, this was Beau’s Love Rock, a symbolic piece of tschotchke that had unsurprisingly found its way into Beau’s heart. “The foundation of our house, the rock that we live on, is love,” he explained. It should also be noted that that rock costs $1.50 in the Duty Free shop of LAX.
WELL, once the Kaysar Klan had put in its perfunctory appearance, then the real Friendship fun began. In marched Ivette with beddings and mattresses and an extra heap of idiocy. You see, whenever these Friendship slumber parties take place, somebody’s gotta bring Cappy’s picture. Just when we thought the moronic deification of this hot-headed, sanctimonious jerk had simmered down, the shrine returned with all its cheesy fanfare. Maggie and Ivette actually conferred over how and where the shrine should stand, imparting such gravity to this ritual that I thought I may be watching cultists. Or at least 5-year-olds playing “House”.
“Cappy’s picture always comes up to the HOH room,” explained Ivette. Not coming up to the HOH room: BRAINS.
Later, a semi-contrite Howie made meager attempts to apologize for his actions last week. When Ivette noted that everyone had kept their composure throughout the game, Howie insisted, “I kept my composure. Just for a couple of minutes I lost it a little bit.” Yeah, just a smidge. But hey. I’m not complaining.
“Hurricane Howie… he’s always simmering out there over the Pacific,” Howie told us. Hey, Mr. Meteorology Student. Hurricanes are only in the Atlantic, jerk. Err, actually, I guess I’m wrong. A quick consultation with Answers.com proves that despite all the wonderful facts I gleaned from my natural disasters class at Dartmouth, I clearly am out of date with my hurricane definitions. My apologies, Sir Howie. (But you still f*cked up this game).
Well, as nominations approached, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that one of Kaysar’s allies would be going up on the chopping block. Or was it? Maggie suddenly was gunning for James again, and for a brief moment, I thought we might get a break. Either way, we watched as Beau deliberated which keys to pull from the wall, and this would have been interesting and stuff, but, um, how you remove the keys from the wall doesn’t really affect the game. JUST TAKE THEM OUT!
Anyway, after the typical keys-in-the-box routine, everyone finally gathered around, and I couldn’t help wondering when Big Brother would downsize its table. Surely it should have happened by now, right? (These are the things I fret about on humdrum Friendship episodes). Well, after Beau announced that the nominations were 75% strategy and 25% personal, everyone pulled their keys from the box (James was safe. So much for that misdirection), and ultimately, Howie and Rachel were put up for eviction.
At this point, Beau launched into a speech that really didn’t make much sense. “In the past, in the Cappy days…” he started. Collective groan. These people talk like it was the Pax Romana. Don’t they realize that the “Cappy Days” were marred by fighting, sexual harassment accusations, and flagrant backstabbing? Actually, the Cappy Days ain’t half bad, now that I think about it.
Nevertheless, Beau continued. He said he put up Howie because he was too much of a threat. As for Rachel, he explained that in the beginning (the Cappy Days), she had been “gray”. But now, “after the past couple of weeks, it’s very apparent that you are very pitch black and very stark white.” Uh, a point please? What does that even mean? I mean, if the situation has become black and white, I understand that. But if she’s become black and white, am I to assume there’s some sort of zebra logic here that I’m completely missing out on? I guess so because the speech suddenly came to a halt after that declaration. I’ll just assume it was a zing and wait for the explanation on Thursday’s live show.
In response to the nominations, Rachel asked, “Does that make me 25 or 75?” Beau said that he felt she was a strong competitor, which is why he put her on the chopping block, causing Rachel to hug him and say patronizingly, “Thank you!” Such passive aggression yielded chuckles here in the TVgasm offices. But in the Big Brother compound, Rachel’s actions were received with nothing but indignation from Miss Manners herself, Ivette. “You SARCASTIC WENCH!” she screamed in the Diary Room. “You miserable old HAG!” Settle down! She didn’t even do anything. Besides, technically, Beau zinged Rachel first (even though it made no sense). She had every right to rebut. But this Spicy Latina (whom Everyone Loves, right?) was already pissed off. Ivette and the gang met in the gym (or food closet, I don’t remember) and began making fun of Rachel. “She’s such a miserable, aging woman,” said Ivette, the miserable, widening woman. She also mocked Rachel’s “horse face” and accused her again of being sarcastic. To be fair, Rachel was only being phony, insincere, and passive-aggressive — not sarcastic. Ivette, on the other hand, was being loud, brash, and stupid. Oh, and we can add hypocritical onto that list too. After all, just moments later, The Friendship reconvened outside where Ivette insisted, “She gets SO NASTY! She gets SOOO NASTY!” I guess, Ivette, we’ll just pretend you didn’t say that whole “horse face” thing two seconds ago. And let’s not forget that Rachel was the one person last week trying to calm down Howie and Janelle. But whatever. She really does get so nasty, what with her pitch blackness and stark whiteness and such.
After Ivette had sufficiently bashed Rachel (she’s already nominated. Way to kick someone when she’s down, geesh!), The Friendship then turned its focus on Beau and his simply wonderful speech. “You were perfect,” stated Ivette proudly. It’s true. He was perfect, assuming his goal was to present a speech that made NO SENSE!
Maggie then did a play-by-play: “Every color you gave her was such a cut-down. You called her shady gray… Then you called her… pitch black. And then stark white.” Zing, zing, and ZING! That black & white bit was priceless! Hey, what do you call a black and white cookie with long hair? Rachel!!! Get it? Get it? Neither do I, but The Friendship thinks it’s HILARious!
Meanwhile, in the Gold Room, James paid lip service to Howie et al. by saying that he wanted to win Head of Household next week and then whisper in April’s ear, “You’re going up next.” Everyone enjoyed the idea (especially the viewers, I’m sure), but Howie suggested a simple blindsiding instead. I don’t care how it’s done, just take out The Friendship. PLEASE. Unfortunately, there’s been a bit of an assumption that the power will conveniently fall back into the hands of the Anti-Friendship, and while that would be nice, let’s not automatically assume Thursday will work out that way. After all, this back-and-forth has been purely coincidental. And judging by my luck, Ivette will wind up as HOH. Man, that would be rough.
Anyway, at long last, the dining room table shrunk to a smaller bite-size, and as they do every year, the house guests all marveled at their new piece of furniture. Man, I always miss that lazy susan. But what’s worse is when this new table gets swapped out for that awkward four-person piece of junk later on. I have yet to see a household that doesn’t have forced conversation around that thing.
Well, the house guests, especially Janelle, congratulated themselves for making it so far in the game, and then it was finally time for the veto competition. Surprisingly, Beau picked James (and to think, I always thought Beau loved the backdoor), Howie chose Janelle, and Rachel selected April. As for the competition, it was fairly straightforward. Various pontoons with house guests’ faces on them floated in the pool, attached to a grate underwater. People had to to detach the floats and place them in one of two columns (think Connect Four), being sure that each horizontal pair represented a secret partnership in the house. It actually was a pretty simple challenge (my wordy description does it no justice). Anyway, the person with the fastest time and all the correct pairs would win the veto.
Anyhoo, Howie went first, swam around, lost his breath, and yada yada yada, his time was 6:20. More successful was James who employed a decent strategy and wound up with a time of 5:47. Next up and wearing a dumb, frilly, granny bikini was April, a.k.a. the anti-Michael Phelps. Recoiling from the water as if she were the Wicked Witch of the West (which she might be), April was a full-on disaster during this challenge. Not only was she inept at swimming and going underwater, but she managed to stumble and fall of a little staircase about two or three times. I guess I shouldn’t make too much fun. I would never expect half her effort from any other 78 year old.
It’s been years since April put on her bikini.
Well, April clocked in at a lengthy 9:46, and next up was Beau whose clam digger pants he claimed were actually a bathing suit. I haven’t seen too many bathing suits turn translucent the way Beau’s did, but maybe that’s because I’m just a crazy pitch-black/stark-white kind of guy. Nevertheless, Beau’s final time was 6:37.
Up next was the Jiggly Show starring Rachel the Breasty. To be honest, I don’t remember much about Rachel’s tenure in the competition except that with nearly every step, her boobs not only bounced up and down like hyper marionettes, they also seemed on the verge of popping out altogether. Alas, she managed to keep her mammaries out of harm’s way and ended with a time we’d later find out was 8:52 (CBS didn’t tell us immediately. They wanted to build suspense).
Last, but never least in my heart, was Janelle who seemed to be speeding along, but as she went in for her last float, we caught a passing glimpse of the clock. I don’t remember the precise time, but I knew there were about twenty five seconds left. This was going to be tight. Unfortunately, her last pontoon got stuck (it was Beau’s, natch), and it became clear that she would certainly not beat James’s time.
Later, we learned that Janelle’s actually pulled off a time of 5:51, only four measly seconds behind James. Damn you, Beau pontoon!!! Had Janelle won that Veto (or POV, as the cool kids call it), I would have been ecstatic. Alas, it was not meant to be. Besides, what would a veto competition be without James winning it?
Well, everyone returned inside and holy moly! The dining room table was big again! That’s a first! The producers actually moved the big table back in the house! What gives?
What’s that you say? The producers were just manipulating the timeline again? Oh. Well, way to burst my Big Brother chronology bubble!
Anyway, as the show approached the end of the hour, we had our usual speculation about the veto. Janelle feared that James might use it, but we all knew he’d probably let the nominations stand. Nevertheless, it was eventually time for the big Veto Ceremony, and all the house guests gathered, chlorine-damaged hair and all. Janey in particular had the frizz going strong, for once dwarfing Maggie who I’m pretty sure soaks her hair in the backyard pool every morning. Well, surprising no one in particular, James elected not to use his veto, thus ensuring the permanent breakup of Rowie (or Howchel). “The girl scout troop would have gone nuts,” explained James, thus adding yet another patronizing term (behind Nerd Herd) to the cluster of twits that make up The Friendship.
I’ll be somewhat sad to see Rachel or Howie go, if only because it diminishes the chances that Janelle has of winning the big prize. More pressing for me is the Head of Household competition, a weekly tradition that seems to have taken on grave importance this year more so than any other. Viva la anti-Friendship!
Who do you think will get voted off? And who do you want to be the next HOH?