We’ve hyped it up for weeks, and now it’s time for the Big Brother 6 premiere. Some might argue that this is more exciting than digging into a parfait or finally ridding yourself of constipation. Sorry, that made no sense. Madeyoulaugh made a bet that “parfait” and “constipation” couldn’t be used in the same sentence in this intro. You see, that’s the sort of giddiness Big Brother brings out in us. If we wait any longer, who knows what dumb bets we’ll make, so let’s just start this thing!8:13 PM
The Tivo is at 0:00. So exciting!
“It’s a house like no other!” It’s two stories! HOLY SHIT! Architecture has come so far!
“Only fourteen men and women will enter this house.” BUT ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE! We call it MURDERBROTHER!
“This summer, it’s a summer of secrets!” SECRETS! Like… tacky wall art.
“It’ll change the way the Big Brother game is played!” The water will be infected with Chlamydia!
Really glad the front door has “Push” on it. Because of all those embarrassing “Pull” moments.
Chenbot’s wearing silver. It’s very Tin Man chic.
The Chenbot rotates 47 degrees and commences travel across the set.
Is this Julie Chen’s first non-seated intro EVER?
“Secrets” Count: 4. Honestly, she just said it four times in three seconds.
By the way, we’re only one minute into our Tivo broadcast. God, Julie is a vision in metal.
Julie Chen lowers herself down to her couch with all the grace of Kathy Bates taking a shit. Lovely.
Did Julie Chen just fart on the Big Brother set?
Uh oh. Chenbot’s starting to slur. Take cover!
Why is this Julie Chen room so dark and spacious? Will there be acrobatics?
“I’m Michael, and the houseguests will be putty in my hands.” And by “putty” he means “I’m dumb”.
Ivette just kissed what seems to be Piggy from Road Rules. We’re not sure, but we think Ivette may have just transfered a mole onto Piggy’s face too.
Hey, what does Janelle’s t-shirt say? “Dude where’s my…” Whore?
VIP Cocktail waitress? She’s wearing lingerie, so I’m guessing VIP really means GFE. If you have to ask what that means, we probably shouldn’t tell you. But go ahead and ask Heidi Fleiss.
“I’m Maggie.” And I’m plain! “The other houseguests will need a nurse when I get done with them,” she says as she snaps a latex glove on her hand. Is she giving prostate exams? And if she’s a nurse, why will they need a nurse when she’s done with them? She’s a terrible nurse. For shame.
“This is the very first time they have all seen each other.” Well, except they all know one other person in the house and… well, never mind. It’s Big Brother. A time to rejoice.
Julie talks to the cast via her TV screen. Uh, aren’t they standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU? Somebody turn the Chenbot around. Her wheels aren’t working.
Ashlea – pronounced “Ash-Leah.” YES! We totally predicted that!
They’re all sleeping in the same room. Ah, the long-awaited orgy season!
Janelle knocks over a topiary. It’s a summer of secrets!!!!!
Howie: “Janelle, those baby blue eyes and blonde hair and great skin tone and…” testicles?
“Is it really that hard to figure out who the gay guy is? But who cares,” says Eric, clearly caring.
My name’s April, I am 47, but tell everybody that I am 23. I am also a newlywed for eight months, almost as long as Nick and Jessica. Don’t mind those wrinkles on my neck. That just means I’m really young and not 47.
James lies about being a teacher, saying he taught “9th grade philosophy”. Why, didn’t you just say you were from Rome, NY? Get it? Rome? Philosophy? Um… boobies! (That always gets the crowd going).
Secretes count: 6 [ed. note - this is supposed to read "Secrets", but for some reason, "secrete" works just as well]
First commercial! Only took one hour. BTW, I hope this is funny, because we’ll be here all night.
In another surprise, the house guests learn that they might have to eat PB&J if they don’t win groceries. Since when did this happen? Ah, but will it be strawberry or grape jelly? A SUMMER OF SECRETS! (p.s. I heard there was a jar of Nutella hidden somewhere. Again, Summer of Secrets).
Julie Chen informs the house guests that they can win “head of household” or “HOH”, in case they weren’t familiar with the show. Hey, “HOH” – what a great nickname. They should use that every season…
Swimsuits in the back yard! Preliminary implant count: 4.
Eric’s big secret: I’M VIN DIESEL!
Julie Chen describes the reward challenge, saying the goal is to get the balls in the big kahuna’s mouth. I didn’t know Les talked so dirty, Julie. You nasty girl!
Kaysar plays basketball, but in Iraq it was called basketbomb. Must have sucked to run suicides at basketbomb camp. Ah, yes, easy potshots.
Kaysar? More like Sweatsar. Nice pit stains, JASE!
April was great grabbing coconuts, she’s had 45 years to practice.
Beau starts placing some nuts in the mouth for the blue team. Gay black men are especially adept at avoiding the rimshot and penetrating the hole.
23-7 win for the orange team.
Is that April or Adria? First bible reference – “We smote – SMOTE – the other team!”
I LOVE how cold the water is. (Nipples)
First HOH competition – “Surf’s Up”, also known as stand on the surf board and strategize.
James continues the lies, saying he has to get off because of a leg cramp. Way to last 10 MINUTES, asswipe.
Kaysar “I stand out from the other house guests”. Hmm, what could it be? You keep ice cubes in your armpits? You have a superfluous testicle?
Oh, Kaysar’s arab muslim? Must suck living with all of the infidels!
Michael “Don’t be paranoid Kaysar. All of us white people do fine the first week. Oh shit, I’m sorry.”
Janelle “We made an agreement to stick together. Oh, and we also promised not to tell anybody about my penis.”
B-side apologizes that we aren’t being as funny as possible. That is his passive aggressive way of telling J-Unit to stop typing.
“It’s so cold. My feet are numb,” says Janelle, adding “and my balls are the size of grape nuts”
Sorry for the delay. Kevan from Amish in the city is at the door.
In true TVgasm fashion, a reality star pops in to say hello in the middle of our liveblog. It’s Kevan from Amish in the City!
Sorry, that was random and completely unplanned. God, I love Los Angeles. Reality stars show up AT YOUR DOORSTEP!
Wow, Rachel’s been on the surfboard so long that a flower’s sprouted from her teat. Oh wait, it’s just her bathing suit.
Eric – already talkin’ about allying the sexes. That always works. And yes, he just darted his eyes eight times for no apparent reason. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he sees dead people?
Yes, we have been liveblogging for almost two hours. And yes, we are only halfway through the show.
“Oh my god, the water is so warm,” says Maggie, adding, “Actually no, I just peed. Sorry.”
“I’m really scared of peanut butter and jelly,” says James as he downs a mysterious viscous fluid. What was that? Corn syrup? Semen?
Finally, Howie jumps in the water. Rachel wins Head of Household. Joy.
“You kind of have a biased opinion going in for the first time because of the whole war with Iraq,” says Ash-LEA. Yeah, you know that crazy war thing. Ha, I nearly forgot about it. Ah… war.
The crowd assembles to check out the Head of Household room, and wow, it’s big. “The bathroom is incredible. Private bathtub and shower. And of course my own toilet facility,” says Rachel, adding, “Which is good because I have to take a massive shit right now.”
“You would have thought we walked into the Taj Mahal,” says Eric. Uh, not really. Unless, of course, the Taj Mahal has been redecorated by Ikea.
Rachel’s eyes are really freakin’ us out.
Charles Manson’s long lost daughter.
Jennifer approaches a bench and says: “I don’t even know how to sit on this thing.” Well, first you bend your knees…
Everyone’s whispering. Lots of scheming. Rachel doin’ the crazy eyes. God, I love Big Brother.
Oooh, Julie’s back with a new dress, and grrrrrrrowl! She’s showing the bra! Chenbot must have a date with a Roomba later.
Nomination ceremony. FINALLY. “Janelle, you are safe.” Janelle, you are also a man.
“April, you are safe.” And you are 45.
Rachel explains her nominations: “Obviously I have nominated Kayser and Ashlea.” You see, one of you is a minority, and one of you is prettier than me. So it all makes sense.
Yay! Everyone cries!
“There’s nothing personal!” That’s why I selected you based on stereotypes and jealousy.
Why is Julie Chen’s face so greasy? Don’t they know to wipe down the Chenbot after use?
Well, we made it to the end. Okay, um, this group liveblog idea was a lot harder than we thought. I think we’ll stick to regular recaps and individual liveblogs from now on. Hope you had fun. We sure did!