People of America, listen to me carefully. Despite what you see on Big Brother 5, bandanas are not the next big thing. I repeat. Bandanas are not the next big thing. Wristbands – acceptable. Trucker hats – passÃ©, but at least were en vogue at one point last year. Bandanas – NO. Negatory. Do not follow the lead of Jase and Scott. You might think this warning is excessive, but last week, while enjoying some tasty beverages at a local watering hole, I had the misfortune of seeing Toni from Paradise Hotel drinking it up with her reality friends, and I am unhappy to report that they too were sporting the bandanas. It seems as though certain reality stars and their cronies are hellbent on forcing this uninvited trend on us, and I beg all you impressionable hipsters to look elsewhere than the Big Brother compound to sate your trendy needs.You see, Jase and Scott have introduced the ill-advised bandana – or bandeezee, as they probably say – into the Big Brother house, and already, it’s spreading like wildfire. Good ole boy Drew has now taken to wearing one, and I fear that Michael will trade in his cowboy hat for one next. The only person I want to see ever wear that dreaded bandana is Julie Chen, simply for the pure comic value.
Apparently Scott and Jase didn’t bring just one of these vestments into the house. They brought a whole array of different colors and shapes. Jase, disturbingly enough, is fond of the faux-bandana. It looks like a cross between a headband and a bandeezee, achieving a comfortable poseur look somewhere in the middle. What’s worse is that Jase so far has two of these contraptions – one that’s gray, and one that’s light-blue camo. I guess it’s important for those days when you need to blend in at an ice cream parlor. Not that Jase could ever blend in. His spikey, frosted hair looks like a Burger King crown gone wrong. Chances are he spends hours in front of the mirror, a theory that’s backed by Holly who noted that Scott and Jase are more high maintenance than the women. Coming from Holly, this is pretty damning evidence.
Nevertheless, Jase and Scott have taken an early and imposing dominance in the house. They’ve shown little to no regard for others around them, and when an emotionally torn Michael came to them for emotional support regarding his new sister, the two guys immediately made “What the fuck?” eyes at each other. Even after Michael and Nakomis read stirring letters from their father, the only support the bandana’d ones could lend was a mere fist bump from Jase. Of course, this meant nothing. Jase probably fist bumps the chairs just for allowing him to sit down.
While Adria sobbed uncontrollably during the family reunion moment, Jase and Scott remained unmoved. It was all an elaborate trick, they decided. Um, have they looked at Michael and Nikomas? Do they really think those two can pull that off? These two great thinkers bolstered their theory by noting that Michael was trying waaay too hard to fit an image. Scott commented that Michael wears all these shirts that say Oklahoma this and Oklahoma that. Jase agreed that the cowboy was trying to force something – sort of like when you try to be super trendy by wearing a BANDANA 24/7!! Something tells me these guys were just upset because the spotlight was off of them for a brief second.
“I don’t know if it’s the bandana talking, but I love you so much right now.”
Meanwhile, mortician Marvin took every chance he could to agree with the bandana boys (who would later be self-named “The Four Horsemen” by Jase). Marvin, in classic sidekick fashion, tried too hard to be accepted and welcomed into this clique (duh, where are your head accessories?), but that plan ended when he hoarded some quesadillas as if they were the last morsels of food for the duration of the show.
Drew, on the other hand, has been recruited by Scott and Jase to be the third wheel (Michael’s in the clique too, but only for critical mass). I guess Scott and Jase figured that Drew looked enough like a guy who was cool in high school, so he had to be legit. Unfortunately, Drew is going to be swallowed whole by these narcissists, and I bet it won’t be long before he finds new allies in the girls. In the meantime, he’ll be happily intoxicated by the acceptance of Scott and Jase.
The new Head of Household room has a red, decadent quality about it that’s more interesting than last year’s lame attempt at Ian Schrager-esque trendiness with a circle bed and lime green decor. Jase and Scott filled themselves with delusions that this nook would be their domain for the summer – an amusingly naive assumption since we all know the Head of Household will be surrendered when the first ounce of brainpower is required in one of the competitions.
For Nakomis and Mike, there’s a chance that neither one of them will ever see that hallowed room. Jase nominated them for eviction, saying that Mike was making alliances without his permission and Nakomis was not conforming to the standards of beauty and bandana fashion that Jase adheres to. Well, actually, he said that he didn’t know her very well, hence he’s nominating her; but based on Jase’s earlier comment that if you don’t follow the herd, you better watch out, something tells me we’ve got a case of middle school cafeteria politics going on.
Mike wound up on the chopping block because he made the mistake of confiding in Drew, not realizing the Ohio native is so starstruck by the bandeezee mafia that the first thing he did was rat him out. I think Drew’s trying to win Scott’s good graces, probably so he can try on that groovy 1986 denim coat Scott was sporting during the margarita party (with collar turned up, natch). Or maybe Drew’s mind has been elsewhere after he donned a thong for the luxury challenge. Yes, the guys all wore women’s undies to the challenge – an idea hatched by, you guessed it, Jase and Scott. Mike, on his road to pariahville, declined to wear the panties because of his kids. YOU PUSSY! How dare you think of others first! Once again, Jase and Scott deducted cool points from Mike for not following their orders. The girls were probably psyched — there’s no way those frilly little things would have been the same size after handling Mike’s ample girth.
Nurse Will enjoyed this little stunt because it afforded him the chance to gaze upon Drew’s derriere. Will, who let out an effeminate bellow that would make Carsen Cressley proud, still insists he’s going to wait to play the gay card, and normally I’d say he’s already blown his cover. But with Scott overly enthusiastic to waltz around in women’s drawers, and with Jase’s penchant for all things sleeveless, I’m not so sure that Will sticks out like a sore thumb anymore.
I suppose I’ve given a lot of attention, too much perhaps, towards Jase and Scott, but at this early stage in the game, they’re the only people who’ve truly emerged as the dominant personalities. I’m sure as the season continues my scorn for some and love for others will quietly spread throughout the house. And to think – this is only the second episode…