The Birds and the Bees

You can label me as one of the people who thought that Erika winning HoH on this week’s Big Brother was going to be an unmitigated disaster. Erika is a floater and in previous seasons I would have considered her a real contender, but since her first season, she has been diagnosed with a mental illness. Technically, I cannot say if this is true or not, but how else do we explain her relationship with Mike Boogie? Dr. Will has done a good job of removing the threats to his power the last three weeks, and if Erika was in Chilltown, is there anyway that Danielle or Janelle could survive?When James went home, he went out with a lot of class. Whenever my high school basketball coach thought we went a little crazy after something happened in a game, he would say “Act like you’ve been there before”. Actually, he would scream “ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE YOU DIPSHITS”, get red in the face, and then make us run suicides for a good portion of the next practice, but the conversation still applies. If you are evicted from the Big Brother house, act like you’ve been there before. Luckily, all of these houseguests know that feeling, so maybe everybody will leave as classy as James. Then again, watching Howie leave was about a thousand times more enjoyable, so why don’t we negate this whole previous paragraph?

The eviction is usually the time when people pour praise on the evictee, saying that they wish there was something that they could do, but everybody who voted for James admitted that they wanted him out. Erika said he was a dangerous player, Will said he could never be trusted, and Janelle said that he turned his back on her first. The neutral guy, George, said that James was an awesome competitor, which honestly means more in weeks where you don’t lose a challenge to a girl while fighting over a doll, but it is very true.

Danielle, on the other hand, knew that she had a problem. If James was evicted then she has a problem with her alliance. A couple of things worried her, and the first was how Will was boasting that he was responsible for sending all three people to the jury house. He was saying this in hopes that everybody else in the house would hear this and want to take this person who would be hated on the jury to the final two. But to Danielle, it perhaps meant something else.

Soon after the vote, Danielle cornered Boogie in the workout room, just to say that she doesn’t blame Chilltown for what happened, because it is a game, yada yada yada, but she’s not happy. Unfortunately, Boogie wasn’t properly prepared for this interrogation by his master, and so the sidekick tried to explain things on his own, but kind of failed. Boogie said that he wasn’t happy with the decision, as if there is actually anybody left on this planet that believes that he does things on his own free will. When Danielle asks why did Janelle vote for George, thinking that it was dumb for Janelle to vote for James knowing that would be one vote against her on the jury, you could practically hear Mike Boogie shouting to himself in the back of his head. “ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!” Mike tried to save things by saying, “you have to ask Will”, but Danielle is already suspicious and says, “Will’s ass is mine.” in the diary room. Ha! You’ll have to fight Mike Boogie to get to Will’s ass Danielle, and that fight will take you three, maybe four whole seconds.

By now, we all know that Erika won the “But First” challenge. Since Julie has been mixing it up her catch phrases this year, it was truly a TVgasm to hear her utter the words so many times in one episode again. Little did I realize that the contest would confuse the houseguests so much. Erika won, and while I thought it was bad news for Danielle, she seemed very happy. And then disaster struck as Erika whispered to Danielle during the celebration “You are so safe”, which means the same thing as it does in Survivor, i.e. that “safe” person is a goner.

Actually, if there was any hope for Danielle, it’s that Erika really has other things on her mind. Unfortunately, that other thing is Janelle, who after a summer of slumber is starting to get some of that sass back. If only she realized that her alliance with Will would lead to her doom, I might give her a chance in the game. Janelle called Erika’s win a worst case scenario, and while I can think of other worst case scenarios for Janelle, such as the house running out of peroxide or peanut m&m’s, Erika is not her biggest fan, largely because Janelle has put up Erika twice, and she knows that she has to get Janelle out of the house because she wins everything.

Will, who really wants Janelle to get to the end, figuring nobody on the jury would vote her to win, says that he is going to get Mike Boogie to work on Erika, but Janelle has to try and bond a little bit with Erika as well. I was going to make some of chemistry/covalent bond joke here, but all I remember from AP class is Neils Bohr and something about Heisenberg that has nothing to do with a dirigible blowing up New Jersey.

For those of you who are Janelle fans, and I count myself in this group, although I am not sure if I am a card-carrying member any longer, she still had a lot going for her. Like she said, she wins everything, and there was no better example than when Mike Boogie tried to get a poker game going in the house. A few people in the house didn’t know how to play, including Janelle, so Mike the poker expert decided to show everybody how it was done. Janelle then proceeded to kick ass, taking most of the chips (actually just m&m’s) that were on the table. I am not sure if I bought this whole “Janelle never played poker” thing. I mean, as a cocktail waitress, isn’t that like a job requirement along with the breast implants? What sort of nonagenarian widower is going to take you to Vegas if you can’t play poker? Anna Nicole Smith already got to that dude, and he’s dead!

When it was time to see Erika’s HoH room, I think we were all expecting to see a lot of pink. If there is anybody in the house who likes pink more than Janelle, it has to be Erika, but it looks like the producers decided that one Pepto Bismol sponsored room was enough, and gave Erika a nice flower motif. The first thing Erika showed us was a picture of her best friend, Erica. That was very nice and all, but what we really wanted to know was who that other girl in the picture was! Seriously though, if you and your best friend had the same name, wouldn’t you try to differentiate yourself? I guess that’s why celebrities give their kids stupid names like Apple and Suri.

Most people who win HoH get a picture of their old cast, and Erika was no exception. I didn’t think that Erika’s cast was all that hideous, but Will was tearing apart the cast, calling Alison hideous, and said he could tell why Michelle was a virgin. I don’t know, maybe he was just jealous of all of the sex and other shenanigans. Besides, is he one to talk about ugly casts? He had Shannon, Autmn, Mike Boogie, and Bunky! Seriously, how can you complain about ugly cast members? Dana might have had the sex appeal of a buzzard’s crotch, but that was a heck of a lot more sex appeal than a sasquatch don’t you think?

Hey! What happened to genital warts Scott?

The other thing you notice about Erika’s room is the food that she received. Her mother sent homemade chocolate chip cookies, which is quite normal and really the basis of any care package. What confused me was the Top Ramen. I can barely take care of myself, and literally have to hire somebody to clean up my own mess, but even I have graduated past Top Ramen. I guess that explains why Erika is so thin these days.

Once those festivities were over, it was time for the real game playing to begin. Danielle began to talk to Erika about Janelle’s vote against James. See, my worry is that Danielle is put up as a pawn, and is sent home the same way James was sent home. Luckily Danielle sees this, and is able to get Erika wondering about the whole thing. Erika eventually realizes that unless Janelle had a deal with Dr. Will and Chilltown, none of this makes sense.

What made absolutely no sense was when the next segment started with people chanting the name “Chicken George! Chicken George!” over and over again, without putting “Shut the hell up!” in between. Oh, it’s just Chicken George doing belly flops into the Big Brother pool. OK, I have to admit it was funny to watch Chicken George run with his elbows locked, but it wasn’t long before I was wishing that somebody had rejected Chicken George from natural selection and not the Dodo bird.

INCOMING!!

Danielle continued on her post-James mission by talking directly to Dr. Will about the whole thing. Will does his best to explain the whole thing, but he realizes how good Danielle is, saying that she acts like she is calm about the whole thing, but he really thinks she is playing the game. It’s this ability to hold her emotions and not betray what she is really feeling that makes Danielle dangerous, and Will knows that. Unfortunately, he contradicted himself, first by saying that James was a dangerous player and was going to stab him in the back, but then saying that Janelle is good at the game and if he doesn’t get rid of her, she’ll ruin his life. However, if he is trying to get rid of Janelle, it’s obvious that he shouldn’t have voted to keep her strongest ally in the house, don’t you think?

I am not sure why Will is trying to act like there is nothing between he and Janelle, but how can anybody say that after watching their latest flirting hot tub session? CBS is trying to play this up as the steamy romance of the summer, but how many times do we have to listen to the both of them say that they are playing the other before we get bored? If I wanted to watch people play hard to get, I would just walk myself over to one of Mike Boogie’s clubs and hit on a couple of girls. He may not be around a lot lately, but by now it has to be in their muscle memory. This week, we even got the cliché of “if we were the last two people on earth, would you have sex with me” from Will, and Danielle said yes but she would not enjoy it. Well, there is another way! Will is a doctor, so if there was an apocalypse, they could still save the human race, and all they would need is a turkey baster.

Where have I seen this before?

Oh yes! Now I remember.

Now, after I hated on the Will/Janelle relationship, I guess I should have remembered that it could be a lot worse. Take Mike Boogie and Erika, please. Erika may be skinny from Top Ramen, but maybe she’s just having trouble keeping food down after kissing Boogie so much. Doesn’t that thought alone make you want to vomit? Erika tells Boogie that she wants to put up Janelle and Will. Immediately, the sidekick reflexes kick in and Boogie begins to try and save his master. Boogie suggests that she put up Danielle, but Erika seems to be holding tough. She asks if he has allegiance to her or Dr. Will, and Boogie’s reaction is classic. It was like a mother her toddler if he ate cookies before dinner, and he stands there with crumbs on his shirt and chocolate chips smeared on his face.

Mike had to sit there and think about it for a minute, and the hesitation should have been enough to tell her where his allegiance was, then finally tells Erika his allegiance is with her. I guess they had talked about sending Will to the jury, and Mike was happy with it, but he thought it was too early. While all of this is going on, Mike is saying in the diary room that his allegiance is to will (no shit Sherlock), but he has to make Erika believe that there is a chance that he would take her. Maybe it’s just me, but if they were really an item outside of the house, and Mike is as enamored with her slamming body as he says he is, don’t these diary room sessions ruin everything? Would Erika really watch this season, look at how Boogie treated her, and then continue the relationship? Maybe not. As they finish the conversation, she says that if she finds out he was playing her, she’ll kick his ass.

Sorry if you saw this picture and it ruined your appetite. It was hell on my libido.

This week’s food competition was actually a lot of fun, requiring the houseguests to dress up and giving us many laughs. First, we got to see Will and Boogie in ridiculous bee costumes. Then we got to see Chicken George try and fit into his sunflower suit. Finally, we got to see Chicken George humping everything that moved. OK, I guess I have to explain that last one a little bit.

Besides the bees (Chilltown) and the sunflowers (George and Erika), we had the birds (Danielle and Janelle). The birds and the bees were supposed to do something with pollination, but considering there was a vat of nectar, I am not sure why they called this pollination, since that usually requires, you know, pollen. Anyway, after the bees or the birds jumped in the vat of nectar, they would go over to the sunflowers, who would squeeze the nectar out of them, which would flow into a tube and fill one of several buckets. Each one of the buckets represented one type of food for the week, and if that bucket was filled to the line with nectar, the houseguests won that food.

Sounds kind of stupid, but it’s always fun to watch people humiliate themselves in order to win life’s necessities. On top of that, one of the buckets had a slop pass for the week, which basically meant that Chicken George would be able to eat if that bucket was filled. Therefore, he did everything in his power to fill that bucket, even if it meant breaking bones to do it. While the Erika would softly caress the bees that came to her flower, even prompting a montage in the middle of the show like this was Red Shoe Diaries; George would basically jump on his birds and bees, and squeeze the life out of them. It was funny enough when it was happening to Will and Mike, but I almost lost it when George got on top of her and started banging away like he was trying to break her hip.

The competition was successful and although they did have to go on slop for one day because Will wanted a trampoline (probably to see Janelle bouncing around on it), they also won a five star dinner, Christmas in August, and a slop pass for George. The only actual food they won was meat and beer, which Will called an Atkins diet for alcoholics, which is not really true, unless they were all drinking straight vodka.

As the time for nominations approached, Will wanted to see what the deal was with Erika. He called Boogie into conversation and asked what was up. Boogie said there is no way that Erika would put up Danielle, so once again the master had to inform the sidekick the proper strategy, which is to convince Erika that Danielle is the biggest threat. Boogie says that Erika is in Chilltown, but Will shows no confidence in him, saying that he is a little worried about putting his future into Boogie’s lovemaking ability.

The next segment was Dr. Will making love to the camera, literally. He decided to go all Shakespeare with us and do his best rendition of Romeo and Juliet, or in this case Dr. Will and the camera in the back yard. His soliloquy was kind of boring, although I did like the line about rewriting the alphabet to put “U” and “I” together. That’s good stuff. In the diary room, Will said that he was saying all of those things to the camera as a way to reach us, the viewer, but what I really think is that he wanted to see himself on camera as much as possible for when he gets this season on DVD.

Will makes love to the camera…

…and Mike is so jealous he literally has to hide his “excitement”

Further evidence that Will didn’t trust Boogie to do any strategy work cropped up when Will decided to make a visit to Erika himself. One thing Will does so well is catch people before their nominations or other big decision times and plant enough seeds of doubt in their head that they go along with his decision. Will tried to tell Erika that he doesn’t like Danielle because she is letting other people do her dirty work. Well, that may be true, but if that is Danielle’s strategy, she is doing a poor job compared to Dr. Will, don’t you think? He just said he was responsible for putting all three members on the jury, but he was never HoH that whole time. In other words, people were doing his dirty work.

After he is done with that line of logic, he says that Erika should be worried because Danielle could come after her next, but again, Dr. Will is contradicting himself. He just said moments ago that he was worried about Danielle the most because she was coming after him. So who is it? Then he said that Danielle does a lot of wordplay to trick people into saying she has deals with them or her actions didn’t break deals with them, but once again, can Will really complain when that is his strategy as well? Seriously, do these people even hear the words coming out of his mouth?

If there were one thing where Will made sense was saying that if the two of them were at the end, Danielle would win. It sorts of makes sense, but really, are Erika’s odds that bad? If she were at the end with Danielle, the jury would be Will, Boogie, Janelle, Chicken George, James, Howie, and Marcellas. Of those, I am guessing Will and Boogie vote for Erika, and James votes for Danielle. Other than that, it’s a toss-up between the two. I do now that if Erika betrayed Danielle and sent her home, then she would lose Danielle’s vote, unless of course Erika was up with Chilltown.

I don’t know about you, but I was actually very nervous during this ceremony. There was enough misdirection that I had no clue who was going up. I mean, I think it was Janelle and Dr. Will like Erika said at first, but what if it is Danielle and Janelle? Or Danielle and Chicken George? When the keys came out, Janelle and Chicken George’s keys were missing, and Danielle’s key actually came first, which sends a strong message to Boogie.

Obviously, I’m very happy that Danielle is safe, but I worry if there is a true backdoor plan happening where Chilltown or Janelle wins veto and then Danielle is put up in Janelle’s place. Janelle said she is intent on winning the Power of Veto and making a spectacle out of it, and if there is anybody who can make good on that promise, it is Janelle.

Overall, I was happy with this episode. I have said some harsh things about Erika and her intelligence, but I am glad she had the guts to put up Janelle. I wish that she had the guts to put up Will as well, but I guess you can’t believe in miracles. Who knows how the rest of the week will play out, but with only a few more weeks left, things really are getting intense.

What did you think of this episode? Did Erika make the right nominations? Who do you want to see go home.