Big Brother: The Comeback Kid

Previously on Big Brother Chelsia left the house leaving James alone in a cold, large, lonely bed.

After James’ nomination this week he’s being a whiny little bitch about it, even more than Chelsia. Natalie says that she is going to send James not only to Chelsia but straight to Matty, which is a co euphemism for hell. James whines a little more about the fact that no one likes him and he doesn’t have any friends left in the house.

“I wonder if those gophers would want to hang out sometime.”

Despite the fact that virtually everyone in the house is determined to send James biking to the jury house, Josh is nervous about the Veto considering James’ history of winning those damn things. James is so scared that he wraps himself in large beach towel, cinched up to his man tits, and whines to Sharon and Ryan about it. Ryan and Sharon allay Josh’s fears telling him that all they need to do is make sure that James doesn’t win and their evil plan will come to fruition.

“I got drunk, passed out, and woke up in a sarong. Ay dios mio.”

Sheila gives James a pep talk in the sauna telling him that he’s a warrior and she has no doubt that he’s going to win. She feels it in what’s left of her gut after a large portion of her lower intestine was removed due to an infection from drinking tainted Wild Turkey at a Stones concert in ’73.

A little later while James sleeps peacefully in the other room Sheila gives Josh a much needed pep talk telling him that he’s a warrior and she has no doubt that he’s going to win. She feels it in what’s left of her gut after a large portion of her lower intestine was removed due to an infection from drinking tainted Wild Turkey at a Stones concert in ’73. To Sheila’s dismay James isn’t actually sleeping, only playing possum to keep Natalie from speaking to him. James comes out of the room and Sheila, with her large back to James, continues to talk about how they need to get James out of the house by any means necessary. When Natalie finally, ever so subtly alerts Sheila to zip it, it’s far to late. James tells Sheila that he heard everything she said and now realizes that he truly has nothing in the house. Other than this chair. This chair and this remote. This chair and this remote and this hairbrush.

Seriously Natalie, leave Matt alone. He’s just not that into you.

James goes back to bed to revel in his fantastic dream life where he is a pirate on the high seas. Sheila excuses herself to the backyard to talk to her true friends, the people who really care about her: Panface, Googly Eyes and the fat one. She tells them all that she’s glad he heard her because he needs to know the truth and she’s tired of all his crying, bad hair and walking around in crusty panties because he’s directly stealing her signature moves. When Moose comes in the house he goes to the bedroom and tells Josh and James what Sheila just said, hoping to accomplish what, I’m not sure. This gets James’ dander up and he marches into the backyard wearing nothing but a pink T-shirt and black panties, ready to rumble!

“Bring it on, Bike Boy. I’ve been locked in a limo with ZZ Top. I can handle anything.”

James begins by telling Sheila that he’s glad that she feels better having gotten her disdain for him off her chest. Sheila tries to lie again but before she can open her roadie-hole, James blows up into a fiery screaming banshee full of spit, in-face finger pointing and painful slander. Sheila holds her own but you just know she peed herself a little. But to be fair, she often does that when she laughs too hard. Or sneezes. Or blinks.

It’s hard to look menacing in lace panties.

Back in the house James’ persecution Tour ’08 continues as he confronts everyone telling them how hard it is to be him and have to hear everyone plotting against him. James said that all he had was Chelsia and Natalie reminds him that all she had was Matty. Matty is heard screaming “you never had me!” all the way from the sequester house. Everyone reminds James that he played really well and there are consequences in this game for people who are talented, just like on American Idol (we barely knew ye, Chekezie). James tells the crowd that he is just frustrated and his only chance to stay is to win the POV, which elicits a hug from Natalie. Sheila is listening to this conversation from the kitchen and begins to approach when she sees James reveal his sadness, but she quickly turns on her heal when James says that he’s mostly frustrated with that stupid bitch Sheila.

His name is John Fernandez now. He’s hiding out as an immigrant bean field worker in Tiajuana.

The conversation continues when James gets his second wind. He tells Natalie that he knows that she had a hand in getting Chelsia nominated by persuading Moose to do so. Moose is reading in the next room, wondering why Eve just didn’t eat a banana, when he hears his name. Moose storms in the room to defend himself saying, “Ima noma sib eh ay listen to mumuh mumuh defend mynef. You duba yaba see boo on the block tama sucks!” and I, for one, completely agree with him.

I gotta say, I really don’t.

Later that night after everyone goes to bed, James wanders to the kitchen looking for a Sobee honey bottle that he can use as a makeshift bong to smoke basil out of. Josh follows him and gives Josh a pep talk reminding James that Sheila is two-faced and he can’t put too much stock in what she says. James begins to cry telling Josh that it really hurt him because he felt like he didn’t have anyone in the house and then Sheila’s speech made him feel like someone cared, and to have that taken away was like a kick in the nuts by an angry German woman after stealing her schnitzel. You know how much that sucks.

“And all he said was, ‘that’ll do, pig. That’ll do.” And you knew what he meant.”

It’stimetopickplayersforthevetocompetition!!! With so few people left in the house, everyone gets to play, except Moose who is the host. Natalie reminds us that it doesn’t really matter who plays since everyone is against James and Matty will be avenged! The competition is a game where people have to guess the number of random items in various containers, like the jellybeans at the bank. After you make a guess, you can either choose to stay with your answer or fold and the first person to get to three points, with three of the closest answers will win the Power of Veto. James quickly deduces that this is a game of skill, but also a game of psychology where you need to know when to hold them and know when to fold them and know when to psych out your competitor with bravado.

An artists interpretation of Britney’s ass.

James and is the first ones out because he has no comprehension of weights and measures considering his Adam4Adam profile says he’s 6 inches. Sharon is out next, followed by Natalie, and then Sheila. This leaves James and Ryan to compete head to head and I gotta admit, I’m a little turned on. James decides to use his knowledge of Ryan to deduce that Ryan is not confident in his answer since Ryan is profusely sweating. Obviously James hasn’t been paying attention because Ryan sweats when he uses a rotary phone. Somehow James is once again able to land on his feet and pulls a veto out of his ass, leaving the entire house stunned, but none more than Josh who realizes his inevitable fate.

Everyone is thrilled

James enters the house in tears and tells Sharon that he wants to be left alone. Sharon to stupid to realize her place and listen to a man, follows him anyway. She tells Josh that nothing is set in stone and she will find a way to make this work for them. Josh doesn’t believe here and frankly, neither do I. Nor do I care. Sharon approaches Natalie and asks what brilliant plan Natalie has up her sleeve to save Josh, but Natalie cares about Josh’s fate even less than I do, telling Sharon that she will have to put her up as a pawn since she can’t nominate anyone from her side, meaning neither a member of her alliance nor a member of the Scott Baio fan club shall be on that block. Sharon returns with the bad news and Josh is resigned to the fact that he will be leaving the house and will have only Chelsia to call a cunt for a few weeks.

“Although Matt is a 6-pack kind of queer.”

In the kitchen Josh and Sharon are both weeping about the fact that Josh knows he will be going home soon and they will be separated. They both quickly become overwhelmed with emotion and run off the bathroom and pantry to cry alone. Sheila follows Sharon to comfort her by telling Sharon that Josh is a respectable friend and he is making a sacrifice for her by refusing to campaign, which means that they will be friends forever. True to form Josh turns on a dime and realizes that there is still a chance for him if he will simply screw over the one friend he has in the world. It’s brilliant!

Everybody knows that you don’t mess with Texas, especially when it’s bitchy, raging with penis envy and completely coked up.

Josh goes to the HOH room and makes a deal with Natalie, offering her his promise of protection the next week if he can stay in the house. Natalie is just enough of an idiot to take him up on it as long as he can get James and Ryan to promise to vote for him so that she will have to break the tie, thus voting out Sharon. Josh already sold his soul to the devil years ago in exchange for a hit of blow so he hightails it to James and Ryan to make the deal, while Sharon is still sobbing in the bathroom about her best friend’s immanent departure.

But he’s a bottom so size doesn’t matter.

When it’s time for the Veto competition, everything goes as planned with James removing himself from the block and Natalie placing Sharon in his place. Josh may just squeak this one out and if so I’m going straight. I just don’t want him on my side.