Big Brother: Deal or No Deal?

Previously on Big Brother I was accused of gaying up my recaps too much.

I have no plans on stopping.

Right now Ollie is thrilled about the deal, heretofore known as The Deal, that he and Dan made, whereas Memphis is less than thrilled to put it mildly. To avoid the palpable tension after the nominations Dan immediately hightails it to his HOH room to pray to the picture of his girlfriend. Unfortunately Memphis is right behind him and pissed as “all get out” and “reckons” he better “git ‘er done” and express his anger toward Dan. Dan loves that Memphis is pissed and encourages him to keep up his ire to show off to the rest of the house. Memphis says this won’t be a problem since he truly is “Pissed as a nine tailed cat in a room fulla rockin’ chairs, I tell you what.” Anybody else really hate Memphis’s down home, Duke-boy, Clemson-lovin’, Waffle-House-eating, hillbilly accent?

After you’re done you should go out to the cement pond and chow down on some vittles, Jethro.

To further piss off Memphis, Dan lets him in on the other part of The Deal, which entails Ollie picking the replacement should the Veto be used. Memphis asks Dan what exactly he was smoking when he made this deal. It was Opium, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that Dan is going to welsh on part of the deal and put Michelle up if Jerry is taken off therefore throwing the entire house into an explosive whirlwind of anger, the likes of which have never been seen on any reality show in the history of the world.

Later Dan comes into Keesha’s room and says he needs advice. Keesha immediately advises Dan to just keep a fresh pair of panties in the glove compartment and no one will ever know. When Dan tells her his real dilemma Keesha isn’t as prepared to give advice. She does let Dan know that nothing is ever what it seems in the Big Brother house and very little goes as planned. “Expect to be surprised by things you don’t always expect to see happening in the near future,’ as Julie always says.” While the two chat away about boys, hair products and how they each address the heartbreak of crabs, Renny bursts in the door like Kramer. Dan comes clean to these two about part deux of The Deal and lets them know that should someone come off the block with the POV then Michelle would be going up, despite Ollie’s attempt to save here.

Yo yo ma!

This information makes Keesha and Renny realize that Ollie and Michelle have been secretly working together for a while now. The also realize that Michelle doesn’t really have an uncle named Al I. Yance. Also Chocolate Cream and the Banshee wasn’t actually the name of a funk band in the 70s, it’s the name of their alliance! How could she have missed it? It was like the last 2 minutes of The Sixth Sense watching Keesha put all the clues together. Renny takes this opportunity to threaten Dan’s life if he puts her on the block and warn him that she’ll be the shrill, disapproving Jewish mothuh he never had if she’s put up for eviction this week. Dan is visibly shaken since he’s never actually met a Jew before and heard they have powers.

Just like a trucker, only twice as sexy and double the charm.

Michelle, Ollie and Jerry (easily the most motley alliance in BB history) discuss their evil plan. Jerry is the only one who doesn’t trust Dan’s word based on Dan’s Judasisms in the past. Ollie informs Jerry that if Dan screws them over then hell will be unleashed on him. Ollie’s dad is a Southern Baptist and can make it happen.

Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you cannot accept.

It’stimetopickplayersforthevetocompetition! O wait, no it’s not. It’stimetoshowthehouseguestswhowonAmerica’schoiceforwhogetsaphonecallfromhome!! O wait, no it’s not. It’s only time to show them that sometime in the near future they will find out who won. Everyone reflects on this opportunity but none is as reflective as Michelle who runs to the bedroom and flings herself across the mattress, weeping copiously. Most likely at the prospect of having to hear her dad talk about his goiter for the nine hundredth time. Luckily Mamma Bear Renny comes to comfort Michelle in her time of need, although Renny isn’t quite sure what exactly is wrong. Renny offers up a platter of platitudes; “It’ll all work out in the end. It’s always darkest before the dawn. A stitch in time saves nine. Everybody goes through and awkward stage. They’re just jealous, honey.”

Or smile. It’s even worse when you smile.

In the diary room Michelle continues her weepfest and implores America to choose her. I’m sure all of America is just dying to hear that conversation. “Wassup?” “Nuttin. Whatchu up to?” “Nuttin. You frickin’ rock so hahd!” “Shut up!” “Yer retahded.” “You aw.” Papa Bear Jerry also stops by the bedroom for a little cold, clammy comfort of Michelle telling her that he understands how she feels since he would like to hear from his wife who probably won’t live much longer and is suffering alone from Parkinsons, but no, Michelle, you should totally get the call. That’s fair.

Jerry also reflects about how much he misses his wife and hopes that he gets to hear from her. I have to give Jerry props, mad props yo, for being so dutifully devoted to his wife. He may be a jack wad but he is a devoted husband to stay with her for 54 years. I could never do that with anyone. This season has only been on a couple months and I’m already sick of seeing these people’s stinkin’, stupid faces three times a week.

Some more than others.

The next day, while all the houseguests are busy gussying themselves up the long forgotten sound of a telephone ringing fills the house. Startled, everyone rushes to the living room to see one of those large-numbered telephones for the vision impaired next to the sofa. Everyone OO’s and Ah’s about the fact that there is a telephone there as it continues to ring. And ring. And ring. Michelle continually asks if they’re supposed to answer it until she finally does, hoping to hear the sound of her sweet mother’s voice saying, “Missy, ya look like a hooah!” but is saddened when the voice on the other end asks to speak to Jerry.

The first person to speak is Jerry’s great grandson and we are treated to the most awkward telephone conversation since Mr. Brady accidentally called Alice’s boyfriend Al when he dialed 1-800-MEAT-MAN. The kid obviously has nothing to say to Jerry, and the feeling is more than mutual. The boy quickly hands the phone over to Jerry’s wife at which point Jerry breaks down in tears, as do I. Your Uncle Fozzie may have a cold, black heart that died when Buffy went off the air, but there’s a little piece of me that still loves thinking about old people gettin’ it on. Jerry and his wife share a sweet conversation where Jerry asks his wife if she thinks everybody has been behaving in the house, to which she answers, “well……” Well put darlin’. Well put.

“You wanna put your what where? Grandpa pa, you know this is Timmy, right? Yea, let me put Nanna on.”

Keesha, Dan and Memphis all congregate in the HOH room to crunch the numbers to decide who should go home this week. It finally comes down to the fact that Michelle needs to go home to ensure all of their safety and sanity. Memphis realizes that should that happen Michelle would flip out and become loud, abrasive and shrill, so there’s really no harm done.

It’stimetopick,……..wait, is it? Yes! It’stimetopickplayersforthevetocompetition! Dan is sweating his smooth, peanut-like balls off hoping that Michelle’s name doesn’t come out of the Veto bag because should she win it, he cannot back door her. Dan chooses first and gets the Dahlin’ from Nawlins, Renny. Memphis chooses next and gets the Skank from Burbank, Keesha. Lastly but not leastly, Jerry chooses and gets the player’s choice button. Jerry wisely chooses the Old Cylon from Rhode Island, Michelle.

Ollie is frustrated that he is the only one not allowed to play. “Why the black man gotta sit on the sidelines?” To ensure his deal with Dan, Ollie takes a trip to the HOH room to remind Dan of the gentleman’s code, AKA The Deal. Ollie tells Dan that he and Michelle need him, and in a delicious double entendre Ollie says, “If things get nasty just remember we’re gonna be there. We ain’t (sic) going nowhere.” This reminds Dan that A: Ollie and Michelle have his back should Dan’s alliance turn on him, and B: Ollie and Michelle will crush Dan like a bug should he backstab them. Well played, OlLEE.

When it’s time to play for the Veto all of the contestants enter the backyard dressed in shiny silver astronauts suits, but somehow Michelle just looks like a baked potato on an all you can eat buffet. The tableau of the back yard looks like a junior high stage production of The Right Stuff with a faux Mars setting. This particular Veto comp is one of those puzzle games where the players have to pull themselves across a rope to get a piece of the puzzle and then swing back on the rope to put the puzzle together. Keesha, Michelle and Dan are the first to play and in BB10 tradition Dan is attempting to throw the competition. Dan is confident that Michelle won’t be able to figure out the puzzle since she was confused by the strange noise that the telephone was making. Lucky for Keesha a very similar puzzle was part of her Hooters interview and she nails it right away.

Good try, Michelle. SO close.

The next group is Renny, Jerry and Memphis. Renny doesn’t care what happens here since she feels safe either way so she flounces through the air with the greatest of ease only caring how she looks on TV. Jerry is determined to win since his life is on the line and only by winning can he ensure…..oops, Memphis won.

This is how I always pictured the tooth fairy.

Round three pits Memphis and Keesha against each other with a new puzzle. Ollie is ecstatic that he will be able to implement his power when Memphis is taken off. Memphis knows that he has to win to save himself and Keesha really doesn’t give a tiny rat’s ass so Memphis easily completes the puzzle and wins the Golden Power of Veto.

After the competition Memphis comes to the HOH room with Dan and the two air guitar, jump on the bed and play grab ass. Once the Mr. Pibb has worn off, Memphis and Dan once again state that Michelle needs to go up on that block. When Keesha and Renny come in to celebrate with the guys, AKA cock block, Dan tells them that the third part of The Deal was to put up either Keesha or Renny should the Veto be used. Dan assures them that this is not going to happen and reminds his group that he will need protection since Ollie and Michelle are gonna be more ticked than a dog in the Rockies.

Remember it’s not gay if you don’t look him in the eye.

Ollie once again starts questioning Dan’s devotion to The Deal and asks for a little private time with Dan. Once in the room Ollie tells Dan that he wants Keesha up on the block as restitution for what Keesha did to his girl Angie. “Or was it April? Maybe Libra. Or possibly Janelle. Whichever I want Keesha to pay because I loved that girl, whatever her name was.” Dan gives another Emmy worthy performance and tells Ollie that his hands are tied and he has to do what Ollie says even though Dan has no intention of putting Keesha out of the house. Not for another week or so anyway.

A little later Dan starts devising a plan to take some of the heat off of him. As we all know the best way to take the heat off of you is to stir up shit amongst everyone else. It’s why I told my mom that my dad was having an affair with my principal the time I got a D in math. Dan separately tells all of the non-nominated houseguests that he is going to go around the group during the Veto ceremony and ask them who they think should go up in Memphis’s place. Michelle says Keesha, Dan convinces Ollie to say Renny so that it looks like Dan made the decision, Keesha is going to say Michelle and Renny is going to say Ollie (only after a lot of convincing by Dan and blank, confused stares from Renny). If this works I think we should send Dan to congress so that we can have our dream ticket of Dan/Kayser in 2012.

This totally doesn’t belong here, but seriously! That’s what I call the right stuff.

At the meeting, Memphis’s mamma didn’t raise no fool, so he quickly uses the Veto on himself. Once Memphis is safely back on the long Ikea sofa, Dan rises to choose a replacement nominee, but not until he has a little fun. Dan informs the houseguests that he wants to play a game he calls Replacement Nominee Roulette. The rules are simple and unflinchingly rigid: 1) Dan will call upon someone and that person must name one person who they think should go on the block. 2) They must be truthful in their response. 3) Should any person choose not to participate that person will immediately go on the block.

Michelle is up first and she sticks to the plan and names Keesha. Ollie follows suit and says Renny as per the agreement. Keesha and Renny both retaliate to the person who said their name. When Dan stands back up he informs everyone that gambling is a big part of Big Brother and Ollie made a stupid bet by trusting Dan and therefore Michelle is going on the block.

“You seein’ this, Lord? Come and get him.”

Ollie is obviously angry and vows to get revenge on Dan for this action, and then later on Keesha for getting his woman evicted, and then on his dad for the stupid name. Michelle doesn’t think it’s fayuh that she got back doowed for someone else’s friggin deel and is angry at….well just life in general for everything so far. Little do the houseguests know that this Thursday will be a double eviction and two people will be going home.

Michelle handles her nomination with her usual grace and charm.

What did you think? Did Dan make the right choice? Should he have honored his promise to Ollie and God? Who do you think will go home Thursday? How much do I love Renny even more now after seeing her as an astronaut? Discuss.