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Friday, August 5, 2005
4:54 am
72 Comments
Going into tonight’s Big Brother, I felt a certain amount of dread and depression. This was, after all, my “Sophie’s Choice” of episodes. One that would force me to choose favorites between nominees Kaysar and Janelle. Surely I would wake up and discover it was all a hideous dream. My two favorite players forced to walk the plank together? It couldn’t be. And yet, by the episode’s end, even though one of my beloved nominees had already departed, you’d think I’d won the lotto. That’s because a divine mix of good luck and the Summer of Secrets had somehow brought the promise of justice and hope to this downtrodden viewer. Plus, everyone made fun of Eric, and we heard some pee-pee on the live show. How can you go wrong?We knew we had a busy schedule in front of us when the Chenbot received us in turbo mode. No sooner had our eyes gazed on her distractingly tattered jacket than she was already off and running to her studio, leaving but a trail of dust outside the Big Brother house. This was Chenbot speed we had never seen before. I don’t know if maybe she had a new micro-processor or a few extra gigs of RAM installed, but within the first five seconds of the show, Julie was already lowering herself carefully to the couch while suggesting, “Let’s take a live look inside.” That’s right. Two distinct Chenbot operations at once. This was gonna be a crazy night!
Unfortunately, in the Chenbot’s efforts to speed this intro along, we missed out on what was fast becoming one of my favorite awkward traditions of the week. You know what I’m talking about. Julie’s labored head-swiveling as she feigned looking at the plasma TV behind her. The unique combination of dead-air and robotic torque has an exhilarating effect, second only to Julie’s patented move of springing from the couch like a Jack-In-The-Box gone wild.
Anyway, with the helmet hair looking smaller and well-kempt (unlike last week’s cowlick minefield), the Chenbot alerted us that tonight would see another twist hit the household. “America will have a chance to turn the Big Brother game upside down,” Julie promised. Would a house guest be returning? It’s what Julie’s been hinting at! I had so much Chencitement built up in me that it was all I could do to resist fast forwarding to the big secret. BUT FIRST I knew I had to watch Julie Chen say, “But first!”
Well, she said it and segued into a segment about James, noting that the loss prevention manager had now found himself in the spotlight. What, pray tell, could this new scandal be?
Picking up after the veto ceremony, we found Kaysar struggling to accept his fate. “I’m used to the pressure,” he said diabolically. “I like it.” You know, if John Woo were to ever make a sequel to Face/Off, I think Kaysar would be perfect for the lead. But that’s only because I’d really like to see him grab at his face and do that little “Face… off. Face… off” thing. You know he’d be a natural fit.
Upstairs in the HOH room, The Friendship found themselves all huddled on Maggie’s bed as if it were a life raft in the middle of the Pacific. Actually, upon second viewing, April was cast off in a chair, but that’s probably only because Maggie didn’t want to get that old person’s smell on her sheets. Anyway, as The Friendship probably dreamed of running through a daisy field holding hands and talking to birds, Maggie noted, “How funny would it be if the four of them vote to keep Kaysar and we four vote to keep Janelle? That’ll let Janelle know ‘You’re f*cked too.’” That would be HILARious. It would be like the time when your alliance all voted you out of the house — also known as last week.
Anyway, as you might remember, on Tuesday, James swore on the Bible that he would put Howie and Rachel up for eviction if he were Head of Household. Of course, he reneged on his promise, thus prompting the scorned Friendship to go around and alert Kaysar and Howie and Rachel that James had sold them all up the river. “Someone from my end hasn’t been playing a clean game,” Kaysar told us. “Slowly but surely I started to realize it was James.” Way to go, Kays. James has been the most flip-floppy of all, and you just now suspect that he’s been playing dirty? Oh well. I didn’t really matter what Kaysar thought because it was so obvious that he’d be leaving tonight. This was reinforced by CBS’s foolish attempts at misdirection, starting with the suggestion that The Friendship would keep Kaysar around to help oust James. C’mon. We might be dumb, but we’re not Cappy Dumb. No need to patronize us with this segment.
Back up in the Royal Palace of The Friendship, Maggie told her buds, “I’m not here to tell anyone how to vote.” She then added, “But I’m gonna tell you how to vote.” Okay, she didn’t say that. But were we supposed to believe that she didn’t want to tell everyone how to vote? Just another example of the touchy-feely, faux-lovefest that is this alliance. Man, I just hate The Friendship. But as J-Unit has mentioned before in his posts, one of the most beautiful elements of this season has been the total disconnect between The Friendship and the viewing audience. Here is a group that’s so certain they’ve taken the high road, so certain they’re doing the right thing, and probably so certain that they’re beloved, that it’s pure bliss to see the collective hatred fans have for them. Most academics write Big Brother off as trash, and well, technically they’re right, but isn’t there something worth examining in this situation? I mean, why do we hate The Friendship so much? Is it that they all seem like sheep, incapable of strategizing and thinking beyond their emotions? Are we disgusted by their idolization of Eric, a righteous man who claimed to be fighting for good, but actually engaged in vicious character assassination, condescending didacticism, flagrant backstabbing, and bullish fisticuffs? Or are we just turned off by the reigning dullness of the group? I like to think it’s a bit of everything of the above, but I’m still not sure what this all says about us, the audience. Nevertheless, I relish the days after this season wraps as the contestants return to the outside world and slowly discover that everyone — from TVgasm readers to Entertainment Weekly writers to CBS.com poll-takers — all hates them.
Anyway, we returned to Julie Chen who now alerted us that it was time to check in on the houseguests. This clearly was not as exciting for them as it was for us because we instantly caught Jennifer yawning in the foreground. Apparently she had just visualized what it would look like to watch herself for four weeks. Well, Julie asked her what she would do with a million dollars, and Jennifer replied that she would use it to work with charity (Go Friendship Power!). You know what that means: looks like you’ve got a new helper around the nursing home April!
Speaking of April, Julie noted, “You recently celebrated a birthday in the house.” That’s right! 82 years young! Perhaps in an attempt to force April’s face into the strange contortions we saw on Tuesday, Julie continued to prod, asking the octogenarian about her letter from home. “Just to hear from him… just to hear that him and Pepperoni do support me,” said April, on the verge of tears and/or a crazy Crypt Keeper face. You know, I think it’s beautiful that April’s dog Pepperoni supports her. Other things Pepperoni supports: licking his balls.
The Chenbot then moved onto Sarah, whose hand was romantically intertwined with James’. Julie asked how relieved she was to have saved her boyfriend. “At this point, it doesn’t matter about making it to the end. I just want to spend a couple more weeks with him,” said Sarah. Wow. She’s so closet Friendship.
Just when we thought the Chenterrogation was over (ooh, I like that one! Patting myself on the back), Ivette found herself center stage, forced to choose her most inspired creation. After a few seconds of deliberation where we could clearly hear the hamster wheel squeaking, Ivette declared the ghetto slide to be her fave. I thought Julie would simply laugh it off with an awkward little comment like “Well, that is creative,” but instead the Chenbot pressed on in full stammering glory: “You want to just briefly tell us what that is again? You just cut up some plastic hefty bags, was it? Sprayed it down?” TELL THE CHENBOT ALL! She must learn the ways of the ghetto slide! We then cut to Julie Chen zipping down her very own ghetto slide. Seriously. Visualize it. Probably the funniest image that we’ll never see.
Later, after a commercial break, it was time to watch The Passion of the Eric. Julie asked us, “How is Eric’s partner and current HOH Maggie keeping his memory alive?” Okay, this is ridiculous. He wasn’t slain in a genocide. These women act as if some sort of divine being has left their midst. Of course, the first one to sound off about Eric was his loyal servant, Ivette: “When Cappy left this house, my heart left with him. This house is so empty without Cappy. And so Ivette is completely lost in this game without Cappy.” Also hurting Ivette’s game: SHE’S AN IDIOT! I will qualify that in some way, it’s admirable that she can be so loyal to someone she deems a friend, and that she can open her heart to someone so earnestly is sweet, I guess. But, yeah, total moron.
Sharing our sentiments was Janelle, as usual, who wrote off the Cappy followers as “So stupid.” Howie, for the first time, actually clocked in with a funny statement too: “That’s all we need is one of these looney tunes going on and winning it for Cappy. Who in the hell wants to see that?” EXACTLY! Ah, but dumb people always seem to find the spotlight, and sure enough, Ivette was back for more deifying of Eric. “Cappy is still here in spirit. And our keys that are up here in the memory board, mine is still in Cappy’s and everybody else’s is piled on top.” So Ivette put her key in Eric’s slot? And everyone else piled theirs on top of his picture? WHY???? WHY WHY WHY??? What is wrong with these idiots? Why was Eric so near and dear to them? All he ever did was enforce a strict 11:30 PM curfew and troll around (I mean that in all senses of the phrase) looking for things to ‘roid rage at.
James thankfully mocked Ivette, who you may remember called out “Where’s Cappy?” during this week’s Match Game food competition. “Oh. Okay. Just pick a word, dumbass,” sneered James in an interview. It should be noted that this caused peels of laughter to ripple through the TVgasm offices.
Click on Ivette to see James’ comments…
Even better: CBS was kind enough to watch the non-Friendship folk gather ’round and full on ridicule Eric and his lowly stature. James and later Janelle marched around on their knees in an effort to emulate the stumpy fireman’s turtle-esque nature. As for Maggie? James simply wrote her off as “Little Eric.” We then cut to Maggie power walking around the yard to condescending oompa music. Ah, if only she had been in lederhosen. Or better yet: Las Vegas Fire Department Lederhosen. Because you know Eric’s got those.
Oh Beau. I’m ready…
Anyway, as this Eric bit all came to a close, we saw The Friendship all bundled together in the Head of Household room, ready to go to sleep. Apparently they couldn’t be apart from each other for one second, not even when they slept. And just when you thought they couldn’t be any more intolerable, they all called out to their fallen leader just before beddy-bye. “Goodnight Cappy!” they all said. Unsurprisingly, this was considerably less charming than “Goodnight Moon,” a book which Ivette still struggles to comprehend.
Ivette’s favorite book.
We then returned to Julie Chen who carried on a rather forgettable interview with Maggie in the HOH room. Nothing new here. Just more gushing about Cappy. The only thing that made this small segment interesting was the camera cutting to Kaysar, who for some reason had his leg splayed up on the chair, thus making his crotch the disarming centerpiece of the screen. Luckily, the producers cut back to Maggie who said she was prepared in case any of the house guests came after her. I mean, she doesn’t have a strategy per se, but the almighty power of Friendship will certainly defend her from the big meanies of the house! Maggie then sucked on a juice box told Julie what she wanted for Christmas.
Kaysar’s version of Basic Instinct.
After the interview was over, The Chenbot “But First!”-ed us into watching the house guests deliberate on who they’d vote for. Unfortunately, we didn’t hear anyone’s votes, which meant tonight’s results would pretty much be a blowout. When we returned, Julie Chen happily announced that we would be taking a closer look at James and Sarah. Meanwhile, the cameraman must have inhaled a bit too much of the Chenbot’s exhaust because the camera began ever so slowly to creep away from Julie. Before she could totally seep off screen, we luckily cut to our next segment and watched as Sarah idealistically rattled off her life schedule. “I’m twenty three years old. I’ll be married right before I’m twenty five. I’ll have kids by twenty seven,” Sarah surmised. And by twenty nine she’ll be disillusioned, thirty one in Playboy, and thirty five on Kill Reality 12.
Luckily, this piece was one of those cool Meet-The-Fam bits, and we soon got to see Sarah’s folks. They were two affable looking people whose small-town pride glowed through their matching Pro-Sarah pins. We also met James’s family and their GIGANTIC hanging crucifix. Needless to say, Mel Gibson would have had a boner. Also eye-catching was the massive array of Virgin Mary items populating the house. I mean, this stuff was everywhere. I’m surprised James’ mom didn’t talk to us through a Virgin Mary sock puppet. But at the end of the day, both families seemed nice, and I feel badly mocking them, even if they all seemed a little goofy looking.
Is that a load bearing Jesus?
When we returned to Julie, she had some wonderful news: next week an evicted player will be brought back into the house. And better yet, we the audience will get to choose who! AMERICA’S CHOICE!! Fantastic! Sure, we had been predicting this, but actually hearing the words flow from the Chenbot’s mouth caused nothing less than a joyful, spastic flailing of my arms. Suddenly, tonight’s upcoming Chenviction seemed a little easier to swallow knowing that I might be able to reinsert Kaysar or Janelle into the house in just one week. And considering that the two nominees also happen to be the two most popular contestants according to CBS’s very own polls, I’d be optimistic that they’d win the America’s Choice over Cappy. But then again, CBS might reward the fireman regardless, just to up the drama in the household.
Nevertheless, the Chenbot once again directed our attention to the Diary Room where more house guests pondered their eviction choices. James commented, “For some reason, I feel like this is very important.” Hmmm… I wonder why that is? Oh that’s right. THEY’RE IN YOUR ALLIANCE. Beau, meanwhile, surfaced briefly to grace the episode with his potent brand of bitchy blandness. Regarding Janelle, he scoffed, “Sometimes she can get on my nerves because, you know, she’s all about me me me me me.” This comes from Beau, the reigning diva who wouldn’t let James borrow his bible. What’s actually interesting about The Friendship is how much they detest Janelle. As far as we can see, Janelle doesn’t seem to talk about herself that much. In fact, she seems relatively quiet. But in classic petty fashion, the women of The Friendship seem to project their insecurities on Janelle, accusing her of being self-centered or flirtatious. Hmmm… where am I trying to go with this? Don’t know. So in conclusion, Ivette remains dumb.
Well, before the voting results were read, Janelle and Kaysar addressed their roommates, with the latter noting, “I look forward to seeing you one day.” You know there’s a wrap party, right Kaysar? It’s not like you won’t see them for fifty years. Actually with a little luck, maybe he’ll be seeing them in seven days. Why? Because he was evicted by a vote of seven to one. Not very surprising, but sad nonetheless. Que sera sera, as they say (I almost titled this post “Kaysar-a sera”, but figured it would be too obscure). As he headed to the door, Kaysar’s alliance broke into a spirited, silly song that crescendoed with everyone yelling “Kaysar!” at the end. You know, maybe they should leave the dumb songs to The Friendship. I’m pretty sure April already has a tune about Pepperoni she plans to squawk out.
Anyway, ever the gracious fella, Kaysar gave each one of his roommates a big hug, even the people who had voted against him. Funny. Cappy didn’t do that. But I thought he was supposed to be this great guy who cared about everyone and had the power of compassion and could heal lepers. Huh. He must have forgotten about the other half of the house last week. Oh well. By the way, what are the odds that by the end of the season, we’ll see Eric peddling all sorts of annoying t-shirts and hats that say “Cappy” on them?
But I digress. Kaysar left the house, and for someone with such a stoic expression all the time, he was all smiles. I mean, the guy was on the verge of giggles. I think someone has a crush on the Chenbot! While Kays got his microphone all ready, we watched the house guests mill around the living room, reacting to the latest Chenviction. And then the most amusing, Naked Gun-ish thing happened. As the roommates babbled to each other, we heard the unmistakable noise of someone peeing. Yes, we deduced it was James who had escaped to the bathroom, and with his microphone still on, we could hear the toilet seat go up and the urine splashing down into the bowl. We here at the TVgasm offices crossed our fingers for a little flatulence too, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. The image then dissolved back to the studio, and for a second or two, we could still hear James trickling away as the camera settled in on Julie’s interview. Thus marking the very first urine/Chenbot transition in Big Brother history.
Click on the house guests to hear pee pee…
Still smiling as if he’d just won a trip to Disney World, Kaysar seemed positively giddy to be in the presence of Ms. Chen. Then again, I would be too. The interview itself wasn’t very fascinating, but Julie did get her jollies when she all but winked at the camera by asking “If you could go back into the house, what would you do differently?” Oh Chenbot. So clever.
Later, we faced the Head of Household competition, and dammit if I was a nervous nelly. I could not, under any circumstances, face another week of Friendship rule. Luckily, as we gazed upon the contestants in the backyard, it was clear that this would be a quiz challenge, and since that implies some sort of intellect, we knew The Friendship would be severely impaired.
“Tonight’s game is called ELIMINATOR,” announced The Chenbot with full robotic intonation. The rules were pretty basic. Julie would ask a question. If someone rang in and answered correctly, that person could eliminate someone else. If that person answered incorrectly, however, he or she would be eliminated instead. Pretty simple.
Well, Sarah answered the first question correctly and knocked Jennifer out of the running. Amazingly, Jennifer resisted the urge to shriek and do cartwheels across the lawn (sorry, dark memories of Tuesday’s luxury competition filled my head). Anyway, as the game unfolded, Ivette took out James, Janelle took out herself (she was screwed with the question), Sarah took out Ivette, Howie took out Beau, and finally, Rachel took out April. Yes, The Friendship had been officially eliminated. Who else feels like dancing the Hora? Ultimately, Howie won HOH, causing his alliance to break out into a mosh-pit of euphoria that nearly sent Janelle tumbling to the ground. Maggie, meanwhile, complained “It’s not fair!” Where’s Cappy’s spirit now, BIATCH?
Ivette rolls with the punches.
After the break, we returned to the roommates who were now seated in the living room and hopefully sedated. Julie asked a pit-stained Howie about his win, and since this seems to be the Summer of Hat Spirits, the new HOH attributed the victory to him having worn Kaysar’s hat. Howie then went on to say that he was also wearing Kaysar’s shirt, socks, and underwear. Before he could go any further, the Chenbot — with wires shorting and smoke whistling out her valves — simply snapped, “ENOUGH!”
That was awesome. Julie should do that more often. ENOUGH!
Anyway, after much hype, Julie finally revealed the big America’s Choice twist to the house guests, causing them all to scream and dance with excitement. The camera, of course, zoomed in on Ivette who mouthed to her friends, “Cappy!” Yeah, no shit. I’m sure they didn’t already think about that, considering they dedicate every last event in the house to him. “This sandwich I dedicate to Cappy.” “This napkin I dedicate to Cappy.” “This turd I dedicate to Cappy.”
Nevertheless, Julie alerted everyone that America would be voting for either Michael, Eric, or Kaysar. As for Ashlea, well, she left her quarantine. A chilly “Oh” permeated the living room. I wonder what exactly happened with Ashlea. In my mind, I can’t decide if she broke free like Linda Hamilton’s mental hospital escape in T2, or if it was more like a Species scene with Ashlea disemboweling scientists in white lab coats. Either way, she’s on the loose, so be careful kids.
How did you feel about this episode? Sad to see Kaysar go? Happy to see the twist?
TV Social
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72 Comments
Sad for Kayser, but he will be back. Thank God the Friendship lost HOH. I barely made it through the week, as it is. Maggie reminds me of the uber-bitch school nurse, with her relentless questioning.
Okay, it’s official…the idol worship/obsession/love-slave thing that Ivette has going for Eric is creeping me out royally. She’s a stalker-in-training and has her first tiny target in her sights…(piss-shiver). Dumbass begat dumbass.
Please, for the love of God, let Kaysar come back into the house. I’m with J-Unit…I’m living to see the expression on their faces when they realize that human fireplug is gone for good.
A note from CBS’s site: “All decisions by CBS regarding the vote and the results are final and not subject to challenge or appeal”.
If they are going to treat the vote as legit, why do they need this kind of catch-all qualifier?
I think you’re right; they’re going to bring back whoever they think will bring the most viewers onboard, regardless of what the voting shows.
I learned one thing from this episode: Lisps are hereditary.
Thankth Momma Jameth!
Why do I get the feeling CBS will bring back Eric (sorry,I just thew up a little) because they know that will get the highest ratings…..
Load-bearing Jesus? *sounds of snorting, guffaws, laughter and disruption of an entire office*
Wow, that one is worthy of several votes for Kaysar
Other things Pepperoni supports: licking his balls. This is why I love this web site. After reading this line I laughed so hard I started to see stars from lack of O2.
GO Kaysar!!!!!
Anybody else think that the ChenBot destroyed Ashlea for guessing one of the “Summer of Secrets” surprises within 90 seconds of being evicted?
Dear CBS,
Please allow the voters to put Kaysar back into the house. Have a camera lclose-up ocked on Ivette, so that when he comes through the door, we can watch her facial expressions with the unflinching scrutiny of a frog dissection. It will be reminiscent of when Ralph Wiggum got his heart broken on the Krusty the Clown Show. We can pause our TVs to see the actual moment when Ivette’s heart breaks in two…and giggle with delirious glee.
Yours Truly,
All Who Loath Ivette
Did anybody catch the chenbot malfunction when Evilette buzzed her eliminator button too early and the Chenbot was still reading the question off of her cue card by accident??? If it wasn’t for Chenbots faulted wiring, Ivette wouldn’t have got her question right and someone else would probably be HoH right now.
Sorry guys but I got to vote Cappy to come back to the house. He may be a tolitarian dick, but “The Friendship” is going to be destroyed regardless because Evilette and Co. play like complete morons, and if Kaysar comes back, even though he is liked, the guy really isn’t that exciting to watch and the teams would be destroyed way too fast.
These people are so unlikable. If Kayser is gone for good, I really don’t care who wins. I have always loved BB, but I find it very hard to watch this year. Where did they get hese people?
Chenanigans – NOOOO!! Don’t invite Crappy back into the house! Please, I am begging you.
The Friendship must be destroyed.
Okay, I am seriously DISTURBED by Ivette’s creepy devotion and worship of Eric. She is going way too far with it. I can easily picture her rocking back and forth in a corner wearing a Las Vegas fire fighter shirt carving the word “Cappy” into her skin while moaning his name over and over. She is fucking crazy. If I was Maggie, I’d be really creeped out by it because at least she KNOWS Eric in real life – Ivette’s just fucking psychotic.
I love you guys for posting the clip of the urination. I had totally missed it. I’m glad you guys are so observant because shit like that should never go unnoticed.
I’m worried that, even though Kaysar will undoubtedly win the popular vote, CBS will bring back Eric just because he’s the most controversial. I will cry into a cup of pudding if Eric comes back. I hate him even more than I hate Ivette.
I’m from MN and one of my friends went to high school with Janelle. He said she was really hot back then and she knew it and used her looks to her advantage. Sounds familiar … that Janelle’s a smart girl.
It was really, really uncomfortable when Chenbot explained that Ashlea “escaped” and wouldn’t be eligible to come back. There was a moment where I thought her head would roll off and we would all see it on live TV.
This was an awesome recap, guys. I’m so glad your BB obsession rubbed off on me.
wouldn’t dedicating a turd to cappy be a bit redundant?
I think Ashlea was smart enough to take herself out of the vote-back-in running. God knows once I had unteathered myself from the likes of Yvette I wouldn’t jeopardize that kind of freedom for anything!
I vote for Cappy — to be neutered.
I am PRAYING for the return of Kaysar, which would shake up the Friendship Cult even more. But if in the unfortunate event that Cappy gets voted back in (how I don’t know), we can at least relish the moment that will come when the Friendship will have to start turning on each other–seeing those 6 eat each other alive to get the money would be PRICELESS, esp the moment when Ivette realizes that Crappy has sold her down the river for his own good….
AT LAST! an arbitrary, unfair, unpredictable twist that WE CAN ALL GET BEHIND!!
CBS, arnold shapiro, alison grodner, les moonves, etc., if you are following this website, take heed! don’t fuck us over! kaysar is GOOD TV! he is easily the smartest, classiest, coolest cat reality TV has ever seen. remember when he dropped the bomb on maggie after the ‘knight moves’ veto comp? you couldn’t have written that more perfectly! when he stared eric down and called him out as a dirty player? priceless! and despite the slander and hate that has been laid down on him, kaysar has kept his shit together and done his best to remind everyone that IT’S A GAME and it’s supposed to be fun. america can learn a lot from kaysar: he’s cool, he plays hard but clean–he even hugged the bitch who compared him to osama bin laden!
as for eric ‘cappy’ littman: rarely, even in the nefarious depths of reality TV, has there ever been a more unlikable, myopic, deluded, moronic figure. when you’re following in the footsteps of jase, the ‘fitness twins,’ jonny fairplay, jonathan baker, et. al., that’s saying something. and unlike colin fro AR or rob c. and jonny ‘f.’ dalton from survivor, ERIC IS NOT FUN TO WATCH. he’s just a huge JERK that we all want to GO AWAY. michael was sort of a cheeseball (janelle, you can do better, honey–and we know you will), but the way eric railroaded him out of the house by smearing his reputation would get a normal person sued for slander in the real world. and that whole chair-tossing temper tantrum? in the past, mr. shapiro, you have tossed players for less. and frankly, if i have to watch eric exploit 9/11 to puff himself up one more time, i’ll probably kick in my TV. really, eric–you’re doing it for all the firemen out there? i’m just sure if you won, you’d sign the money right over to the 9/11 widows ‘n’ orphans fund. kaysar, on the other hand, has a large extended family currently living IN A WAR ZONE, but you don’t hear him crying about it. the brotherhood of firemen? word is that his ‘brothers’ back in vegas are pretty put out about having to work 60 hour weeks so he can sit around talking shit and working out on the soloflex.
play fair, arnold! les, we worship your android bride! you owe us! hear our prayers! give us back the iraqi assassin!
Great recap. I had to take a nap to finish it but it was well worth it. If you wrote a BB6 book this chapter would comprise 35 pages. Copyright it cause you don’t want any plagerism going on.
Anyways, Kaysar’s gone and I will miss him twirling his finger through his hair, through…every…single…scene. I’ve decided that is the most annoying thing about him, but oh, if only that finger were mine. But he’ll only be gone a week. I hope.
I love Keanue & Sandra as a team but James alone is a backstabbing bitch. I wonder if he was the lone vote for Kaysar to stay?
The normally stoic, in control Kaysar malfunctioned at the end of the show when he shook the Chens hand and let out a very girly hee…hee…hee laugh and shrug. I guess networking to the Chens mainframe causes an overload in basic systems operations.
Big props to the B-side Boys for radaring the peeing James scene.
One last thing before leaving Tvgasm. And it may only be my distorted observation of people but did anyone notice Kaysars feet while sitting on the couch with the Chen. They bear a strong resemblence to Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Kaysar even walks like Shaggy. I hate pointing out these things about my favorite player but damn, I think he might be dorky. I’d still do him!
ok back to the real world.
Does anyone else think it’s weird that the house did NOT record goodbye videos for Kaysar? Why is he the only one who doesn’t get them? Could it be because the producers already know he’s coming back?
Conspiracy theories:
1. They told Kaysar that he was going to be sequestered. He is a smart man and knows that there is a chance he is going back into the house. That is why he was so happy. They might have even told him about America’s choice. Kaysar is so stoic and he turns into a giddy baby? I think not.
2. I don’t believe Ahslea broke her quarantine. The producers know that only a Michael, Eric, or Kaysar return would have made any sense or great television. When Amy came back during season 3, it was fun, but she sucked. The producers don’t want to take a second chance. Either that or they said she broke some sort of NDA by saying on air that somebody might come back. Either way, I am sure she was paid off.
Also, James was the one person who voted to evict Janelle. Does this mean he actually feels some loyalty to Kaysar?
Hey J-Unit,
More fuel for the conspiracy fire. If you go to the CBS website they have the “Who will be the next houseguest evicted?” and “Who do you think will win the Grand Prize?” polls. There are two people that you can’t vote for : Ashlea and Michael(!). It’s like they’ve already decided / admitted that he’s out of the running. Check it out before they wise up and change it.
Not a giddy baby.
A giddy girly man, yes. Hey, I have nothing against men in touch with their feminine side. But this tough Iraqi really let his guard down on that couch.
sparky, thanks for clearing that up. I was wondering who voted for her.
ok, i gotta get a life. click the close…button….now!
I hope Kaysar comes back, if its Cappy it may as well be renamed The Brady Bunch. Sara is starting to make me ill with her co-dependant ways with James… and this Ivette and her heart broken over Cappycrap. I think maybe Cappy on vacation in Florida saved Ivette when she fled Cuba in a raft after it capsized.Its the only thing I can think of for the undying love she has for a person she has known less than 3 weeks. It would be more fun if they booted Beau and Jennifer the 2 most boring people and brought back both Crappy and Kaysar.. !
OK America, time to get serious.
We cannot afford to vote Eric back into the Big Brother house. We’ve already tempted fate enough by letting him go in the first time. If allowed back in I’m afraid for us all. Without his radiant wonderfulness out here in the world with us I’m pretty sure the fabric of reality will unravel before our eyes. “Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies . . . Rivers and seas boiling . . . Forty years of darkness . . . Earthquakes, volcanoes . . . The dead rising from the grave . . . Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – MASS HYSTERIA !”
Save yourselves and vote for Kaysar.
ANTF (#19): It was James who voted to evict Janelle. They keep the voting histories on the CBS.com website.
Sparkey (#21): Kaysar didn’t get a good-bye video this year because they’ve only done them from secret partner-to-evicted houseguest. Since Kaysar is the first to leave with his partner having preceded him in eviction, he didn’t get a video. [That way, if he does go back in, he's as in the dark about what other players not formally partnered with him *really* think as were the other people]
B-Side, awesome recap … I don’t know why they say comedy is dead .. you are one funny funny writer!!!! Granted the material in this case is kinda writing itself … but the finesse you have with highlighting is just priceless.
Vote for Kaysar! Long live the Dictator!
Anyone else wondering how long ago Ivette’s labotomy was? It is just not humanly possible for someone to be THAT stupid. It just isn’t. And she claimed to be a teacher?! Of what? Guide dogs?! And for a lesbo, she sure is in to Cappy in a non homo erotic way. What’s up with that? IS he who she wants to become? I just don’t get it. Wait, let me clarify … I just don’t WANT to get it … from either of them. They need to fade back into obscurity. FAST!!!
James’ family was pretty funny … ultra religious and yet he still swore on a bible. Has lied on virtually every single episode, and has anyone caught any of the live feeds? Oh his family … they must be so very proud of him. Spontaneous combustion be dammed!
Does the friendship remind anyone else of the 7 dwarfs? Really. Think about it. Granted, there aren’t 7 of them, but the way they worship Cappy, ah Snow White, it’s sick. They each have only 1 personality trait … most of which are fairly hard to find and distinguish, but the common bond they have is ‘winning it for Cappy’ … for what purpose?! So he can keep them dressed in LVFD gear?! Oh for fuck sake. This cult has got to be the most ridiculous, sad, sorry excuse for a group of girls who all just seem to have penis envy and have decided that the object of their affections/fascinations is just a little man. And with the amount of roids and roid rage that we’ve seen, calling him a little man is prolly not all that far from the truth.
Oh yea, did I mention, Vote for Kaysar?! Vote often. Keep voting. Dont’ stop just today … although it’s prolly a good guess that the LVFD is voting for King Kaysar too at this point. They are prolly sick of the embarrassment that Cappy has brought to them. I’m guessing/hoping/ wishing that they have already put a written repremand in his file for letting Maggot and Idiot wear his gear. A major no no in NYS anyway. Even in the confines of a private home. If they were smart, the fire dept would ask for all of his gear back. And make him find another job. They might ask him to find another personality too, but since he hasn’t had much luck with that so far, it could be a challenge he is just not up for.
And did I mention VOTE FOR KAYSAR?! DO IT DAMMIT. DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Chenbot needs to be oiled .. her timing is so off that she takes any possible excitment out of her comments by blowing the delivery.
If Cappy is the one brought back, we know it’s a total conspiracy and CBS did it to appease the houseguests. The viewers love Kaysar and want him back.
As for Ashlea fleeing … it makes sense that CBS paid her off to leave. Another chick in the house at this point won’t heighten any tensions. Which is also why Michael wont’ be brought back. He left too early to make a difference.
Just vote for kaysar. And hopefully the powers that be will actually bring him back.
Ashlea was the first one evicted, meaning she’s been sequestered for like three weeks. That’s a long time to not see anybody you know, watch tv, surf the net, etc. She probably knew her chances to return were slim to none and left voluntarily. Sorry, I don’t see a conspiracy here.
Re: Amy coming back on season 3 — I thought that was great. So many people hated her (Chiara in particular) that watching her return and then win HOH immediately after was amazing. And let’s not forget the number Roddy tried to pull on her later with the veto. That was great television.
Let me just be as upfront and honest as I can be… Kaysar is the ONLY reason I am watching BB6 (after being sucked in by the TVgasm hype). I even got the Live Feeds so I could watch him.
Kaysar boring? Hell NO! He is beautiful to look at ~ even if he is just twirling his fingers through his hair (and ANTF {#19}, I would become a Hindu if only to be reincarnated as Kaysar’s finger). But beyond his good looks, he is also the first reality TV player who knows how to PLAY THE GAME!!!! And not let his emotions get in the way. After umpteen seasons of BB, Survivor, Apprenti, et. al, how refreshing is it to see someone play strategically?!?!
I was all set to stop watching this week after Kaysar’s inevitable eviction. I just don’t care about any of the rest of them. Think James is a good player? Pfft. HE thinks he is a good player but we saw him blow his wad with the Bible mishap. Howie said that Kaysar went for the touchdown too early, and Rachel said he played a good game but showed all his cards too early. Without Kaysar’s brilliant ousting of Crappy, there would be no alliance against The Friendship. Crappy & Co were hellbent on creating another dull season of petty bickering and backstabbing based on Junior High popularity contest rules. Kaysar saved this season by introducing the novel notion of strategy into this tired series.
I have little faith in the powers of voting since the Dubbya Regime lead the American people like Crappy lead The Friendship (Baa!), but I am going to vote for Kaysar till my mouse finger rots and falls off (to be reincarnated… oh, already went there). Please, God, let my vote be HEARD this time!
VOTE KAYSAR! VOTE KAYSAR! VOTE KAYSAR!
B-side – You are a brilliant writer! Your screen caps are excellent! Howie in his panties? “Goodnight Crappy”? And the Kaysar “Basic Instinct” shot? *drool*!!!!
I hope you are working on a sitcom or something. Not that I would EVER want to lose your valuable recaps of my fave reality TV shows! But I just think you are HILARious!!!! Your recaps are as much fun (or in the case of some shows) even better than the original.
Thanks, B-side!
Amy from BB3 was one of the best housemates ever! We need a good drunk again sometime soon. Amy used to beg liquor off of everyone and then stumble around the house slurring and falling down. That’s good T.V. people. My friends and I still evoke her slurred, southern accent yelling “Marcellas, I loooove you.”
OMG, I absolutely loved the part about Chenbot having her very own ghetto slide. I pictured it and then I laughed for a good 5 minutes.
Wouldn’t the water from the ghetto slide rust her wiring? Thus causing her to go on a killing spree, breaking into the house and ripping off Ivette’s head with her own two hands.
Now THAT’s television.
remember, we must all vote at least an extra 100 times for kaysar to cancel out the votes of eric’s wife and kids, who are no doubt wearing out their mouse fingers hoping to be spared a few more weeks of psychological abuse, ‘this hurst me more than it hurts you’ beatings, rafael palmeiro ‘protein shakes’ spilled on the countertops, and head stubble dirtying up the bathroom sink.
Send the Bot to Gitmo! After a Chenterrogation (tm b-side), the location of OsamaBL will be revealed!! Summer of Secrets, baby.
Now I can understand how Castro came to power and has stayed in power for more than 46 years!! It’s not Ivette’s fault see’s a moron, its a cultural thing.
I second what hannathehun (#31) said – I like a good conspiracy as much as the next person, but I bet Ashlea was just sick of the whole thing.
I also agree with mikey (#28) about why Kaysar didn’t get a goodbye video.
Great recap as ever, B-side, and props to J-unit for the scoop on the vote and for providing the Vote for Kaysar button and link.
I’m ecstatic about the twist even though the show telegraphed it to us long ago. Knowing it’s for real gives me hope for this season. Kaysar must go back in, and it’s perfect that it will be after Howie is HOH and (hopefully) James is voted out.
Can you imagin the house that the evicted people are in, michael, eric and kaysar stuck in a place with no outside contact and nothing to do. That makes bunking with Ivette look fun, oh wait both are just levels of hell.
BB could change somethings that would make the arguments in the house better to watch. If they produced a paper, with current events (an edited version of any major paper) and dropped it off in the house. There is a major flaw in this plan though, most of the house guests are not smart enough to have a conversation above a 10th grade gossip session.
I have to point out that James actually said “My hand is on the bible.” HE DID NOT SWEAR ON IT. I expect Ivette to fall for it, but so many viewers too?
Even though I too want Kaysar to return, I have to disagree with anyone who says he knew how to “play the game”, unless the game he was playing was “Survivor” where you can create an alliance and if it sticks together, can vote off people one by one. Since BB has the HOH which changes the power week to week, he should have at least a)shut up about his plan for the final 6, and b)acted to the Friendship morons like he wasn’t “in” with the enemies of the Great and Powerful Oz…er, Eric.
As for Ashlea, I have heard that she escaped Jack Bauer’s “perimeter”.
B-Side…words can’t describe! xo!
HickPub(#2) “human fireplug”? LMAO!
Every Iraqi living in America should be voting..Kaysar is representin’ like a mo-fo!
Does anyone know if Canadian votes count? Maybe CBS will count 1 Cdn vote as .8 American votes? (referring to our money – tee-hee)
#39 – ouch! even i’m offended by that comment.
Carol (#41),
Last night, the Chenbot made it a point to say that those who had been evicted were sequested in SEPARATE locations. I don’t think CBS wanted even the slightest possibility that Michael and Eric would be at each other’s throats again…
ha!
Kaysar, open legged and wearing worn jeans and a jacket….drool! Surely CBS wouldn’t pull a fast one and slip the troll back in would they? My beloved Kaysar needs more shirtless scenes. My god, what a sexy man. I think if Eric comes back in I’ll stop watching. I think they know viewers would prefer seeing the horrified looks on the faces of the Friendship above anything! Think of the fun; how twisted could April’s face become? Will it send Ivette crying in the bathroom stall again with the realization that, yes, Cappy is officially dead?
it was a totally expected surprise (how really is this a secret, BTW) but hopefully the impact will be a couple more few weeks of Kaysar posing seductively throughout the house….
Oh man…the James pee clip and the “load bearing Jesus” totally made my day. And I just knew, as soon as I saw it last night, that the “Howie’s Secret” diary room moment would grace the recap. YAY for TVGasm!
I have a bad feeling Eric will end up back in there, but hopefully true public opinion prevails and Kaysar comes back. He’s the best player and ahhh….haven’t had this big a crush on a BB’er since Jason in Season 3. Le sigh.
Please people, if Eric comes back we MUST stop watching BB6 and wait for BB7.
CBS needs to know it’s viewers mean business!
Uh-oh. Now on the CBS.com site there’s been another change. Now the only people you can’t vote for are Ashlea, Michael, and Kaysar. You can however vote for Eric to be the next houseguest evicted as well as winning the grand prize. I truly hope that CBS isn’t telegraphing who’s coming back. I would probably stop watching for a while as the “Friendship” (god help me …that just makes me want to puke) knocks off all the interesting people. I might tune back in just to watch them turn on each other, but then again I might not. They just aren’t worth the time.
Maybe Jack(#37) has a point. Maybe we are all being a little too selfish. I mean, it’s not about our entertainment value. If we vote for the midget fireman who must not be named, and he returns to the house, his wife and kids will have that much more time to NOT deal with him.
We might want to be thinking of others rather than ourselves…
Aww fuckit! I bet his mate and spawn are as lame as he is. Vote for Kaysar!
This is Jun’s comment from “revenge of the houseguests” on cbs.com
Jun 8/3/05 1:42 pm
Egads…perhaps Cappy should have left behind a pair of socks or something…at least then Maggie and Ivette could suck on them every time they missed him. Or for that matter, someon could stuff their mouths with them everytime they began a Cappy Club Diatribe. I just don’t get it.
GET OVER IT LADIES! I can’t believe Ivette actually said she would “fix Maggie’s house” and “buy Cappy a new one” if she won the money. Hey…i’m gonna hold her to it if she does win…what an idiot.
THis show is utter reality TV perfection. I hate eric. Hate him with a white hot passion. I hated his bullying ways, hes inflated ego, his idiotic machismo. The way he would declare “lights out” in the hosue, as if hes somehow in charge. And god I hate how those idiot sheep worship him. It was just goddamned creepy the way they literally set up a shrine to him. An actual shrine. ANd that evil bitch Ivette. Jesus she is just a nasty human being. Word has it she has been cautioned by the producers because shes constantly making terrorist and osama bin laden jokes about kaysar. Just a true scumbag.
The only thing I want in life is to show to these people how much the rest of the worls hates them and their midget god. And now they gave us this chance. Thank you CBS. You are cooler than Scientology.
Both Sarah’s family and the Cappy alliance have something in common. Blind cultlike allegaince to one person. Granted with them its actually God, wheres the freaks are worshiping a dwarf roid raged asshole firefighter. OTher than that they are EXACTLY alike.
Pepperoni supports April? Thats lovely. Its a freaking dog. The dog will love anything that feeds it.
“GOODNIGHT CAPPY” with that PRICELESS picture of him behind the window should qualify for some kind of award. You guys are the best. And the urination clip- I totally missed that.
CBS has got to realize that bringing Kaysar back would make better television if only for the reaction and subsequent paranoia from the Jim Jones/Guyana Friendship Cult. Wouldn’t they be breaking some sort of game show rule if they fixed this for Eric the Midget to win?
Go Kaysar!
Oh, didn’t make a comment on James at his urinal (er, James taking an audible slash)…..I find it pretty rude actually when a man pees (or if you prefer pisses) directly into the water, it makes such an uncontrolled splashing noise that everyone is aware, I prefer aiming for the side of the bowl much more silent and all. Much more mannered….btw is it cruel to comment on the trailerish looks of James’ mama?
CBS isn’t above fixing a show or two. How can you forget when they pulled the plane back to the jetway on the last season of the Amazing Race to get Joyce and Uchenna back in the finale. When’s the last time a plane came back to the gate for anyone?
For all you Kaysar fans he did mention that he is able to marry a Christian, Muslim or Jew. So get in line. He is going to make some lucky woman a great husband one day.
3 words-
Kaysar, Kaysar, Kaysar!!!
A couple thoughts:
-Was it ever explained just why Howie was in his underwear? My friend and I gasped and looked at each other when we saw him. What was that about?
-I am a loser and I get the live feeds…THIS IS NOT A SPOILER…Ivette kept yelling that Cappy had probably won America’s heart. My friend said Crappy couldn’t win Nazi Germany’s heart, let alone America. Maggie then intelligently pointed out that it all depended on the way he was portrayed to us. Honey, that has nothing to do with it. In fact, the people who don’t get the live feeds have a better opinion of Crap-A-Lama-Ding-Dong. I hate him.
Ditto 58! I get the live feeds too and I really thought I was going to like Eric at the beginning. Then his true colors (do steroids have a color?) came out. I always hated James, he is bad news and I feel for Sarah’s family watching the way he treats her on the live feeds. I just hope everyone in the house enlightens her after he leaves. Maybe she can be saved.
#59, I was thinking the exact same thing about James and his attitude towards Sarah. I loved that her mother was getting all rowled up last night. If she were my daughter, I would too. James is a #1 jerk. He needs to be raped.
I was disappointed that they told the houseguests the secret!! How awesome would that have been for them to go out in the yard for the HoH competition and have KAYSAR already there, ready to go…without any warning!!
And what the heck?!!? only ONE person voted to keep KAYSAR??? That would really make me ticked off if i was him and got back into the house!
when kaysar left the house, why was his picture green instead of black and white??a
Did anyone hear what James said about April? He said that she had to pay $20,000 to get her husband to f$%^ and love her. Wow…the gloves are OFF.
Ashlea is so dumb. Why sink your chances of winning one-million? I admit that I would have loved to get to see her longer. We didn’t get to see much of her.
Conspiracy Theory: Part of Kaysar’s picture in the house turned green. It may seem like no big deal, but when you think about it, that means his picture is not entirely gray. Does this mean he is coming back?
Sappy sucks.
I thinkt he houseguests had deduced that someone was coming back…if you still have Thursday nights episode watch the part just afater the expulsion….in around James’ visit to the washroom, you can clearly hear a discussion which goes like this:
“what was her name?
“Amy”
Don’t know what it was in reference to, but Amy was the one houseguest who was put back in the house from a afew seasons ago. So I think they were suspecting something like this was going to happen.
OMG When I first heard Maggie say “The Friendship” I thought I was really going to puke on the living room floor. PLEASE! What the hell is wrong with these people?? I refrained from puking when I heard James’ comment about Ivette “just pick a word dumbass” I’ll be laughing for weeks…even if he is a snake! I think its hilarious how everyone thinks that Crappy is SO LOVED by the American people. GET A CLUE! I would love to hear Julie say “Well it was a landslide vote..” and then Ivette starts jumping up and down saying its cappy, its cappy. and then BOOM- KAYSAR BITCHES!!!!!!
I love how everyone in this game is calling other people hypocrites when they themselves are being hypocrites…i mean at least admit that you’re being a hypocrite!!! (but then I guess it really wouldn’t be hypocrisy…whatever) I HATE THE FRIENDSHIP
way cool. multiple voting opps for kayar: /http://www.eachat.net/kaysar
I personally phoned wgn in chicago last night, and “accidentally” called eric an asshole which led me to be censored, of course, no blame to nick digilio who was the radio host, however, I think it’s time, in AMERICA to proclaim that some of us humans who inhale and exhale are possibly using something other than our lungs to sustain existance? regardless, feel free to phone him tonight again at 312-591-7200 and please be very disctreet with any profanity, even though I’m sure he’s heard it before and is not that uncomfortable with it, off line.
well, I got in 117 votes, before the site was killed
Yeah, # 39. Way to go with the comment that likens all Cubans to Ivette. B-Side, I thought the comments were supposed to be about the show, not attacks on nationalities? Yes, I’m Cuban, but I wouldn’t claim Ivette to be “like me”. She would be an idiot no matter what nationality she is!
Will the link to vote for Kaysar be accepted by CBS? I voted about 30 times and would vote to have wasted my time.
Ugh April annoys me with her clothespin pinched nose and utterly nasal voice –
Come BACK Kaysar and get rid of these awful people!
Please America viewers bring Kaysar back into the house and stir up things again! It was just getting good! All this cappy stuff especially from Ivette is becoming quite annoying. Time for Ivette to go home her mouth is getting too large for this game!