These Are Her Confessions: Adria Ushers In Change

The results are in. Usher is this season’s most popular character on Big Brother. At least that’s what I would gather from the collective squeal of delight bellowing from the cast on Saturday night’s episode upon his appearance. Okay, not physical appearance. When incoming Head of Household Adria revealed her complimentary CD to be Usher’s “Confessions”, Will and Marvin raised their hands to God as if they had won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right. I can understand their enthusiasm. After a weeklong journey into Hipsterville courtesy of Nakomis’s Flaming Lips CD, the houseguests were granted a one way return trip to Top 40 trifles such as “Yeah!” and “Burned”, which I’m sure has resulted in lots of pseudo-Michael Jackson dancing on the live feeds. That’s okay though. After weeks of supression under the noxious Four Horsemen regime, these folks are allowed to get their groove in. Oh, and then turn on each other in true reality TV fashion.It didn’t take long after Adria’s Head of Household victory for Will, Karen, and Nakomis to demonize her – going so far as to label her the next Jase. Oh those bitter “single-births”. Can’t they just be happy for Adria and her twin Natalie? They’ve had it so hard for so long – spending weeks pretending to be each other, only to be treated like the same person. I don’t know why people associate Adria and Natalie as one entity. Is it just because they consult each other on every single decision and sleep in the same bed and talk the same and act the same and, oh yeah, look identically the same? Can’t people see that they’re individuals?!?!?!

Well, Karen, Will and Nakomis felt instantly threatened, which lead to many covert discussions in the Cloud Room that detailed things like “I don’t like the way she said that” or “I didn’t like her tone” or “She sort of looked odd in this one moment which made me think that she’s evil!” This was all accentuated by Nakomis’s new, distracting nervous habbit: stroking her breasts. I’m just as confused as you.

Granted, by the end of the episode, with Will going up on the block, the trio’s paranoia was justified, but still, these three didn’t exactly do anything to preserve their numbers. Instead of making Adria feel less threatened, they just clumped together and acted like jilted lovers – which probably only served to bolster Adria’s decision. The best this group could do was to send nutty Karen into the Head of Household room to awkwardly smooth things over, but if there’s anything we’ve learned, it’s that the portrait artist from New Jersey is about as subtle as Julie Chen at an underground rave. Hmmm… that analogy really doesn’t work, but I like the imagery, so it’s staying.

Anyway, Karen tried to remind Adria of their former alliance, but of course she failed miserably because Karen’s favorite M.O. – whiny pouting – still has not fooled anyone (not even Jase and Scott fell for it a few weeks ago when Karen tried to act like she was on their side). I do like Karen a lot – mainly because she’s funny in the Diary Room and she seems to have a shrewd view of the game – but I’m sorry, she’s just not the smoothest player.

Faring slightly better was Michael who managed to avoid nomination altogether by pleading his case to Adria – a move that Karen and her alliance should have adopted as well. Michael managed to get on Adria’s good side, and later I’m surprised he didn’t get into her nightmares when he rubbed his nipple on her spy screen and then streaked through the house. At least there was no return of the “freakdancing” which Cowboy gracefully demonstrated last week. Somebody from Soul Train best take a look at Michael!

Suffering from similarly embarrassing footage was Diane whose full-body melanoma became the subject of CBS mockery. Will labeled her as “Tanorexic”, but I prefer terms such as “Tantastic” or “Tanimal” or “Tantwoin Fisher” or “Tan of Green Gables” or “Tanny Get Your Gun” or “Tandrew Lloyd Weber”. Okay, I’m speaking nonsense now. Point is that Diane has to get out of the sun. But I fear she may have already gotten an ample dose of sun poisoning to muddle her thoughts. No, I’m not saying this because of her bizarre astronomy discussion with Nakomis, who believes there could be an anti-black hole out in the universe somewhere. I’m saying this because Diane has tragically kept the Mandana flame alive by sporting some bizarre tie-dyed contraption on her head. Why must this accessory live to see another day? Even reformed Horseman Drew has dropped it. Someone should have called her out on it.

Maybe Adria could have mentioned it during the nomination ceremony. She was already being insulting enough with her patronizing speeches to nominees Will and Marvin. She told them both she had nominated them because she wanted to see their real game come out. Come on Adria. This isn’t a football squad. Just say you felt threatened. Well, Marvin and Will left the ceremony seething with anger, which of course leaves the twins with an even larger mark on their backs. It may be hard for the girls to rebound in future weeks. Then again, Adria does have one trump card left up her sleeve: Usher listening priviledges.

Yeah!