This has got to be the most frustrating season of Big Brother ever. It’s like watching Howie’s HOH reign last season over and over and over again. The goal is so simple, and yet it seems like the season six alliance is so busy trying to outfox their opponents that they can’t see the forest for the trees, making one dumb move after another. It’s painful to watch. I mean, we have the season sixers who I want to love and embrace and root for, but they keep doing the most idiotic things. And then there’s Chill Town who I want to hate and see gone, but they’re playing so damn well, how could I begrudge them their success? What do I do? I’m hating my heros and loving my villains. It’s a topsy-turvy season, and as each day passes, it’s like watching Chinese water torture. Just nominate Chill Town. Nominate them! Restore all that is right in the world! Alas, going into tonight’s show, our only hope was that Boogie would stay on the chopping block, and if for some reason he didn’t, surely Janelle would be wise enough to nominate Will in his place. It all seemed so obvious and clear cut. A smart player like Janelle would never fumble the ball like the rest of her alliance. Or would she?Tonight’s episode began with Erika reeling from her surprise nomination, telling us, “Everyone knows what happens to the pawn. They go talk to Julie Chen in about a week outside on the couch.” Hey, maybe it’s just me, but I think that sounds like a delightful fate! A one-on-one with the Chenbot? Sign me up!
Boogie meanwhile was not happy with his nomination either. “Janelle, if you want to make an enemy out of me, that’s fine,” he said, acting as he hadn’t already been gunning for her since day one. He then added, “You will never be able to take me down. My army of headbands and restaurant t-shirts will protect me from your wanton advances!”
At this point in the show — ie. two minutes in — everything seemed fine. A Chill Town member had gone up, and it seemed like finally, a Head of Household was ready to stop wasting time with all these floaters. Well, not so fast. Janelle revealed to us that her master plan was actually to have Boogie stay in the house. Yes, that’s right. Janelle had been brainwashed by Kaysar’s floater follies, and she was more concerned with ousting them than the two people who could actually mobilize them into action. She actually wanted Chill Town to win the veto so that a floater would have to go out. So dumb. So very dumb. How could our beautiful, intelligent Janey be doing this to us? I blame Kaysar.
Anyway, Janelle then talked to Erika about the situation and assured her, “You’re not gonna be going home… How could you possibly go home?… I promise you, you are safe.” Yup, that all spelled very bad news for Erika, and I’m sure she knew it. Never mind the fact that I saw the two of them on the live feeds a few weeks ago, and both said they would never ever nominate each other. Oops!
Later, up in the HOH room, the season sixers walked in to voice phony approval of Janelle’s nominations. Kaysar may have genuinely liked them, but then again, he’s turned into an idiot this season; so that doesn’t mean much. James lied and said he thought the picks were fine, but truthfully, he was not happen. “It was really a stupid idea to put up, like, a floater,” he said. “We have to go after the people who we know are coming after us.” That was all well and good, but considering James wasted a nomination on Chicken George and then Jase, he really has no right to be saying any of this. There must be some magic “stupid gas” wafting into that HOH room.
The BB6ers eventually left the room, and suddenly we heard the sound of sneaky violins. Yup, it was the official theme song for Dr. Will. He cornered Janelle in her room and asked her what was up. She revealed that she wanted him to win the veto and save Boogie. She also said she would fight to save Boogie, and in return, they’d vote off the person she wanted out. In other words, Janelle made a deal with the devil. Sigh. Boogie then joined the conversation, and immediately, Janelle apologized to him for saying that she really disliked him — it was all a ruse to make Erika feel better. Nevertheless, the three agreed to work together, and at about that time, a general queasiness took hold of my stomach. This was gonna lead to bad things. Very bad things…
Elsewhere in the house, the “floaters” all came together and realized that they were actually an alliance. “If we don’t stick together on this, then every week, it’s one of us,” Marcellas said. This was pretty amusing because prior to all this “Let’s get rid of the floaters” nonsense, none of these people saw themselves as an alliance. They merely had attached themselves onto the larger groups — you know, like floaters. But by targeting this group repeatedly, the season sixers had idiotically put the floaters on the defensive, and now they’re only option was to bond together. And who were they going to go after first? That’s right. Season six. Score another point to the masterminds of Chill Town.
Later that night, just as everyone was about to go to bed, Janelle suddenly called everyone into the living room. It was time to pick players for the Veto Competition! But wasn’t it awfully late to be doing this? Indeed! We exactly sure what was going on, but we knew it had to do with all those wakeup calls the viewers had been submitting. Anyway, the three players joining Janelle, Boogie, and Erika were Howie, Dr. Will, and Diane, a trio that would certainly yield interesting results. After the players had been officially selected, Howie tried to hug Will, but the good doctor quickly rebuffed his advances, having now learned that there are better things in life than having Howie’s man-boobs smeared all over his body.
We then learned that the Veto competition would be happening sometime in the morning and would be announced with only one minute’s notice. If players didn’t make it to the backyard in that time, they’d automatically forfeit the power of veto. Janelle then honed her inner Chenbot and yelled, “But first!!! But first!!!!” (and an always savvy Danielle asked, “Julie Chen?”). At this point, the producers rolled a little video, explaining the wakeup calls and America’s Choice (we could vote in how many times the houseguests would be awakened in the middle of the night with user-submitted wakeup calls. Every three hours, one hours, thirty minutes, or fifteen minutes. Take a wild guess on which option won…).
Well, no one was more psyched about this than Danielle who let out a loud scream of joy. No sleep? YAY!!!! You should have seen her dance of joy when she learned there was a war in the Middle East! Of course, not everyone reacted so happily. Most were pissed, and Howie, well, he merely uttered, “I don’t understand.” To be fair, he wouldn’t have understood if the point of the Veto Challenge were to speak the alphabet.
As everyone then left the living room, Janelle pulled Howie aside and said that they didn’t want Erika or Diane to win the veto, and of course, Hurricane Howie didn’t even bother questioning this move. He told us, “The strategy of confusion this year is working… ON ME!” It should be noted that other things that ensnare Howie in a strategy of confusion are eggplants, ceiling fans, and rectangles.
After the commercial break, we then saw the house guests tucked into their beds, snug as a bug in a rug. Ah, just another fun night of slumber. That is, until the clock struck 12:30 and the first of many awful, hideous, and wonderful wakeup calls blared through the house, piercing every last reality star’s eardrums. Sadly, the officially TVgasm submission was shunned by the producers, but the other viewer messages were just as cacophonously beautiful. Most seemed to be a mix of screaming, droning voices, and other obnoxious sounds you’d expect to find at a modern art video installation. Plus, as we all suspected, the viewers voted for maximum torture, which meant the wakeup calls sounded every fifteen minutes, which was just as awesome as we all knew it would be. Plus, it moved Kaysar to reveal just why he deserved to be called the brains of the whole operation: “Every fifteen minutes,” he said. “That’s four times an hour.” WELL CONGRATULATIONS! That’s the sort of insight I only expect to find from Mrs. Star Jones Reynolds. Bravo, Kaysar! Bravo!
“I’m pretty much a genius.”
Cranky with this massive annoyance, Marcellas sniped at the audience for deigning to wake him from his beauty sleep. “They actually took time out of their lives. Out of their day!” he said of the messages. Funny, he didn’t seem to mind so much when people took the time out of their lives to vote people back into the house (although, let’s not forget, Marcellas did not receive the popular vote).
Anyway, as the night went on, the wakeup calls continued, including one awful doozy at 3 AM, which was pretty much a long, impossibly terrible high-pitched screech. Pushed to his limits, Boogie yelled at us, “So American, you think it’s funny for the house guests to wake up every fifteen minutes?” Yup! It sure as hell is a lot funnier than anything you’ve come up with (and that includes all armband-related humor).
By the time we reached the 4 AM hour, the house guests were looking positively haggard. Erika came on screen, and she looked like she’d just spent the past three days tumbling around in an industrial-strength dryer. She looked terrible — tired, frazzled, unhappy. Her hair was a total mess. She was two shirt patches away from being a street urchin.
“Spare some change, guv’nah?”
Finally, at 5:00 AM, the torture came to an end. A computerized voice (our old friend Agnes from MacIntalk) suddenly ordered the Veto players to report to the backyard. The six house guests bolted downstairs in groggy, foggy states, and what they found outside were six faux-electric chairs waiting for them. This was The Torture Test! Just imagine a really, really pared down version of one of those crappy Fox shows like Unan1mous or Solitary. You know, the shows no one watches. Anyway, the object of the game was that everyone would sit in a chair and look at the plasma screens in front of them on which a sequence of letters would rapidly appear. These letters would spell words and phrases relevant to the Big Brother game. The first person to buzz in and correctly identify the word or phrase would win a point. Of course, a wrong answer would lead to elimination. But wait! There was a twist! The words and phrases were going to be spelled backwards on the monitors, and oh yeah, if someone got a right answer, they could up someone’s distraction level by either sicking them with a blindfold, earphones, or a vat of maggots for their feet (something that sent Janelle humorously running for cover).
With “Agnes” having explained all the rules, it was finally time to play. The first word was “Eviction,” which I would have gotten wrong since I called out “Evict!” from my couch. Unlike me, Boogie answered correctly, and as a prize (aside from the point), he got to put headphones on Howie, forcing the big oaf to listen to a constant stream of wakeup calls.
The second word, or phrase, I should say, was “Expect the Unexpected.” Again, I was duped into yelling out only “Expect” (yes, i was well-rested for this. I have no excuses except to say that I’m pretty much an idiot). Luckily, I was in good company. Will answered “Unexpected,” which was only part of the answer. Since he got it wrong, he was unceremoniously cut from the competition. YES.
The next word was “Nominee,” and it should be noted that I did get this one right, but then I doubted myself, especially once I had a major, major brain fart and yelled, “But there’s an O!” — as if nominee didn’t have an “o.” I think I literally lost half my brain cells tonight. Was I huffing White-Out and not realizing it?
Well, Howie got the answer correct and gave Diane a nice bucket of bugs to soak in — and you know she truly enjoyed that! The fourth phrase (which I got — rebound!) was “Power of Veto,” and Mike Boogie — who looked entirely too much like Sandy Duncan during this challenge — got it right. I was really hoping the phrase would be “Golden Power of Veto,” so he’d be out, but alas, he earned his second point, and stuck Howie’s feet in the bugs as a bonus.
“Careful! Sandy Duncan might be watching!”
Janelle figured out the next word, “Alliance” (and btw, I got that one too. I was on a roll), but this was a pretty dumb move on her part because now she had to pick a player to screw over. Well, why not Diane, the human whipping post? Janelle gave the Kentucky-fried player a neat set of goggles, causing Diane to question why everyone was pickin’ on her. It’s because you got those bright new chompers. Don’t you realize, Diane? Everyone liked the snaggle tooth! Okay, just kidding. The snaggle tooth was hideous. I have no idea why they were torturing you (except that you’re an easy target. Now cry, dammit!).
Next up was “Chopping Block,” and sure enough, Peter Pan, I mean, Mike Boogie answered correctly, earning himself three points and the veto. This was bad news for Erika who already had visions of Julie Chen dancing in her eyes. Don’t you just love being the pawn?
Well, to celebrate his unlikely victory, Boogie happily kicked a pair of goggles at the wall, but oops! Them there goggles weren’t made of plastic. They were made of glass! Yay bloody toes!
After the break, we learned that dumbass Boogie needed to get ten stitches for his goggle injury (and let’s face it, if there’s any sort of injury Boogie is capable of, it’s a goggle injury). Meanwhile, upstairs, Janelle talked with Marcellas and Erika about Boogie winning the veto. Neither of the floaters were very happy about this outcome, and they wanted to know if Will or Chicken George would be going up. Uhhhh… how about… Diane?
Unsurprisingly, Marcellas was NOT HAPPY about this. “Every time the two people in the game that have to you consistently that they are coming after you, you guys duck!” he said, and he was right. He then yelled at Janey in the diary room, saying how everyone was telling her to get rid of Will, but instead, she was hemming and hawing over Diane who only might come after. “Stop worrying about what may happen and worry about what is going to happen!” he yelled. Amen to that!
Marcellas then reminded Janey that once Chill Town gets into power, they’re gonna come after season six, not the floaters, and he was right. In fact, as much as I don’t want them in power, a part of me really wants Will or Boogie to win HOH, just so we can see them stab season six right in the back. And of course, we’d only have Kaysar to blame for not nipping the problem in the bud back in week two.
Later, Janelle conferred with her group about the situation, and James asked why she and Howie put the goggles on Diane if they didn’t want Boogie to win. In an effort to clear her tracks, Janey said that she wanted to hinder Diane because she didn’t know what sort of hijinks she’d pull if she won the veto. It was a nice attempt, Janelle, but clearly you forgot that you let the House Oaf in on your plan. Sure enough, Howie busted her cover by saying, “Janey, what are you drinking? Because you told me… you told me that you didn’t want Diane or Erika to win the Veto.” Oops! BUSTED!
Well, this upset Kaysar and James to no end, especially James who already was super sensitive to his position in the season six alliance. Janelle then told us, “I got myself into a little bit of a bind this week.” Yup. Just a tad. And you know why? Because Chill Town was able to get to her. They talked her down, brainwashed her, and persuaded her to make a move that would isolate her from her alliance. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why they are the biggest threat in the house. It’s not the numbers in this game. It’s the influence.
Anyway, James was fuming at this point, and he quickly realized that Chill Town was working with Janelle. Of course, Chill Town also worked with Kaysar earlier this season, but that didn’t seem to bother anyone as much back then. Speaking of Chill Town, Will later approached Janelle in her room and tried to secure his position even more. He reminded her that if he went home, all the floaters would shoot for Janelle. Why? I don’t know. But it was a scary enough prospect that we could see fear in Janelle’s eyes. Snap out of it Janelle. Snap out of it! He’s feeding you lies! Janelle then revealed that she wanted to nominated Diane, but her alliance wouldn’t let her. Will countered that by saying her alliance wasn’t concerned with “the team.” They all had selfish motivations. True. But so did Dr. Will; so why should she trust him over them? Ah, but there was no one to say this to poor Janelle. “There’s honor among thieves,” Will then said. Actually, isn’t the expression, “There’s NO honor among thieves?” Either way, this whole thing was like watching a car wreck in slow motion. We could see Janelle drifting to the dark side, and there was nothing we could do about it. That being said, you have to admit, Janelle and Will together would be one hell of a ruthless team.
Will then said that she’d have to lie and betray her alliance at some point, but Janelle replied that she’s never played like that. Yeah, but that’s what you gotta do to win, Will said. He also noted that he knew this first hand because, you know, he’s won. And I tell you, at the rate he’s playing the house, he’s set to win again…
After the commercial break, we shifted into more lighthearted affairs: the first luxury competition of the season! Yay! The winners of this event would get to see a special advanced screening of Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. I think this constituted the first time ever that the house guests would be seeing a movie that actually looked good. In addition to the flick, the winners would also get to nosh on candy and refreshments, regardless of what food limitations they were on (everyone try not to look at George). In an amusing twist, Mike Boogie was not allowed to play thanks to his dumb goggle injury, but he was allowed to pick a team, and if his team won, he’d get to see the movie (Boo! No movies for Boogie!).
Well, the household was split into two teams: “Shake” and “Bake.” Each team would be placed in a race car that would spin around on a giant turntable until everyone was all good and dizzy. Then, they’d have to crawl out, complete random tasks like cleaning the windshield and sticking on decals, and the team with the fastest completion time would win. I personally was very excited to see the turntable portion of the contest. To this day, one of my favorite images from Big Brother was of Erika spinning around in a chair on season four, swiveling her head rigidly in an attempt to stay focused and not get dizzy. I’d love to see that clip on YouTube.
The first team — Shake — tried their hand at the task, completing everything pretty much without incident. Next up was Bake, and before they started, George exclaimed like a little, drunken kid, “So cooool!!! A NASCAR!!!” You know, he earned a lot of cred from me last week, but seriously, it’s moments like these when I seriously do question his mental stability. Anyway, Team Bake got to work fixing up the car (I was surprised George was even able to stand after all the spinning), and resident meathead Howie told us, “Big boy like changing tires!” I’d love to see him carry on a political conversation with Bam-Bam. It would just be fascinating.
Anyway, the second team finally competed the event, and then it was time to read the results. Team Bake finished with a time of 1:53 while Team Shake scored a sharp 1:37. This meant that Diane, Janelle, Will, Danielle, James, and Boogie all would be taking a trip to the Head of Household Theatre! Huzzah! We then paused to have a sorrowful moment with Chicken George, who really just wanted to nosh on some non-slop for once. Maybe the poor guy will earn a Slop Pass down the line. Or maybe not. I don’t really care to be honest.
Well, the winners marched upstairs to the HOH room, which had been converted into a makeshift movie theater. “My pink palace had disappeared!” Janelle told us. I’m not sure, but I think if you Google the phrase, “My pink palace had disappeared,” you’ll find a lot of inappropriate and possibly illegal websites.
Anyway, the group all took seats in their chairs — although, not before Will ravaged a snack tray and spilled a box of candies on his head. We then sat by as they watched the movie, gentle smiles forming on their faces. When it was over, Danielle sighed, “That was good!” This was met with stoney silence. It’s a never good sign for a comedy when the audience looks like it just saw The Ice Storm.
But back to the game! After the pink palace had been restored to its natural state, Janelle gathered her alliance (and Marcellas) to announce that she’d be putting Diane up on the block. Once again, James was pissed, saying that he had put Jase up as a favor to Janelle and Kaysar with the understanding that the next week, they’d definitely put up Will and/or Boogie. I could understand his frustration, but like we’ve said about a billion times already, he should have taken care of Chill Town when he had the chance. Anyway, as James fumed, Janelle explained that she had to think about herself in this game. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t have said that. Not a great way to show team spirit. “You have fucked me,” James seethed. He then alerted us that the season six alliance was officially done. No more. Just another reason why Chill Town’s toxic presence should have been eliminated weeks ago. They’ve now successfully ostracized Janey from the group and caused the entire alliance to crumble. Again, I blame Kaysar.
Later, James woke Danielle up and told her about the whole situation. She had now become his number one ally. “It’s on. The war begins tomorrow,” James told us. He then continued his rampage, saying, “Janelle? She’s gone. Gone. She’s a piece of shit.” Now his big plan was to backdoor Janelle and get her out of the game, which really would be dumb on his part because as much as she’d pissed him off, he should remember to keep his eye on the prize: Will. Janelle may be untrustworthy, but she’s not a threat yet. Of course, if anyone’s an emotional player, it’s James. Let’s not forget his dumb Chicken George nomination last week.
Well, at the Veto ceremony, Boogie tried to seem worldly by quoting a philosopher, and then he happily took himself off the block. Who would Janelle pick? Would she put up Will, therefore sating her alliance and their whole “logic” concept (better late than never), or would she put up Diane, therefore satisfying her stultifying need to destroy the floaters? No big shocker here: she chose Diane. D’OH!!! “I’m not letting people talk me into things,” she then told us. Yes, she’s not letting anyone convince her of anything, unless, of course, that person was Will. Consider Janelle played like a fiddle, and in case there was any doubt, the Lords of Chill Town once again hopped in the diary room and mocked the entire house with their little phone pantomime. You know, the one that essentially goes “Hey, season six had the chance to get rid of us, and they didn’t! Hahahaha!”
So let’s review. Even though Kaysar and Janelle have insisted that Chill Town is overrated, let’s see what Dr. Will and Mike Boogie have done:
- They’ve successfully fooled Season Six into targeting the floaters, thus causing them to band together into a strong alliance that would not normally have formed.
- They’ve made Season Six the undeniable target of the Floater alliance.
- They’ve isolated Janelle from her alliance.
- They’ve created dissent in Season Six, leading to the defection of James
- And ultimately, they’ve brewed up a war between the Floaters and Season Six, in effect turning into floaters themselves — ie. the people who sit by quietly without a target and watch the mayhem unfold.
Of course, this all could have been prevented by Kaysar in week two. And by James in week three. But by week four, the venom has started to seep in. Season six has been permanently rocked. Seeds of paranoia have been sewn. This is the game we love, but man, does it have to come at the expense of our (formerly?) favorite alliance?
What do you think of Janelle’s maneuvering this episode? Did she get in over her head? Is Season Six screwed? Will they ever get their act back together?