By admin|Sunday, August 21, 2005 | 1:49 pm | 45 Comments
This was the episode of Big Brother that I was waiting for. Janelle was Head of Household and had the power to decide who was going to be up for eviction. It wasn’t hard to tell by her initial reaction that Janelle was gunning for Jennifer. I don’t know what it was that first tuned me in to that theory, but it might have been all the times Janelle managed to call Jennifer a bitch after she won. Sadly, this is a double eviction week, which means that Janelle’s time in power would be less than 48 hours. It also means we had to pack a lot into this episode including a veto competition, veto ceremony, live vote and eviction (sort of) and a new HOH competition. So let’s not waste time, and get started.I saw The 40 Year-Old Virgin last evening, and it was great. Even bumped into Mischa Barton as I was leaving the theater. On my way back, as I was pumpin’ the G-Unit in the car, I couldn’t help but smile realizing that I had an episode of Big Brother on the Tivo waiting for me when I got back. Yes, it would have been better if the Tivo was Tyra Banks, or perhaps, oh, I don’t know, Rosario Dawson, or even Jennifer Garner and her huge man jaw, although her being preggers might complicate things. Hell, I would have taken Ellen Degeneres (no sex, but at least she would make me laugh).
But as I lamented that I turned on the Tivo, I realized that I had something more than just a house full of hamsters pissing each other off. I got an extra night of Julie Chen! Yes, a new eviction meant a knew Julie Chen. Instead of the white almost-camel-toe pants, the Chenbot went with a more flowing black set of pants. And what about her top? On Thursday, she had the trapezoid, I called it the “Aztec scoop” (sorry anthropologist, it looks more Teotihuacan than Kukulkan). Julie had a similar black top as Thursday, but it’s like she took a drawstring and pulled the scoop closer together. Perhaps she didn’t pack enough for her long weekend in Los Angeles? Whatever it was, her assets were begging for a little support. Hey wardrobe, don’t be afraid to show off what our girl is working with! Les may have won her heart, but we can always dream.
First we had to deal with the immediate aftermath of the Kaysar eviction. Jennifer mentioned that it was a pure strategy move, and I have always agreed with that position. April, for some reason sporting her K-mart pink leopard hooker shirt, said that they sent him home once and they wanted to do it again. James, who I am liking more and more and looks to last a long time, said that he cared the first time Kaysar left, but didn’t this time. I was thinking a lot about that and when it comes down to it, I’ll just blame Howie. It may not hold up to intellectual rigor, but at least it makes me feel better. Why was he so obsessed about James? Rachel chimed in with the always-stupid “It’s so sad to see him leave, I wish he had more votes” type argument, or in this case any votes since Kaysar was a unanimous decision. But why do these people complain when they could have made him feel better by, you know, voting for the person?
The Friendship didn’t have long to celebrate their victory in voting off Kaysar because there was still an HOH competition, and they haven’t managed to win two in a row all season, and that includes this week, when Janelle won. Again, it was pretty evident that Janelle was going after Jennifer. If her celebration after her HOH win didn’t tell you, or when she said “Pack your bags Jenny,” or if the fact she nominated Jennifer, or the fact she said “Bye bye bitches!” after the nominations still left you with some questions, perhaps when Janelle said “Now I want to screw her over royally” was enough to persuade you.
How did the Friendship react? Well, they were all in a stupor and a realization came over them that perhaps getting rid of Kaysar had some ramifications. Kaysar left the first time promising his friends would make his presence felt. Howie sort of screwed the pooch when it came to getting revenge for Kaysar, but Janelle wasn’t going to let the same mistake happen. She had spent a week making life hell for the Friendship, and she was going to make sure she finished the job. Maggie complained how they were bad winners, as if the last week in the house wasn’t enough to tell them what would happen if the Friendship didn’t hold HOH. April also complained about the decorum in the house, accusing Janelle and Howie of being immature, and she has a point. April is so old, she would probably think Bob Dole is too immature.
Even for a lesbian, that is some good technique.
Everybody in the Friendship is pretty tough, but not having the HOH bedroom means that they are back living in the world of the common folk, or at least in the main bedroom. Even though they aren’t in power anymore, Howie decides that he is going to take a little more time to torment them. You see, he is the best looking guy in the house (perhaps true now that Kaysar is gone), he is the star of the show and nobody better mess with him. He was so proud of himself that by the end of his little speech, he was referring to himself in the third person.
Then April decided to take the gloves off. She has heard it about her looks (I think she is old, not ugly, I hope my wife looks half as good at age 50), she has heard it about her husband, she has even heard Howie insult her dog! It takes everything she has, but she says “Well, Rachel admitted that she gave you HOH.” Listen, Howie has already admitted that he doesn’t like to think for himself, I don’t think those words will ever hurt him. Besides, wasn’t she just telling Jennifer that Kaysar didn’t “give” her HOH, that she outsmarted him? What exactly are you trying to say, April?
Of course Howie doesn’t have a comeback, so he just goes on a little bit more about Hurrican Howie. This whole time Rachel was trying to get him to shut up, and James was doing his best to control Howie. Since James is the only other man in the house (yes, I remember Beau, but Beau is a bigger queen than Latifa) he tries to get in the way. Seeing that he is restrained, April says that she has a good life and is not on welfare! Ouch! I think April is splitting hairs, but I guess receiving a Social Security check is not really welfare. And even if Howie is on welfare, which I am still trying to figure out, is there some public assistance program for male strippers trying to be meteorologists? It’s got to have an acronym, right? Perhaps GIGOLOS (Guys Investment for Getting Obvious Lummox Office Skills). I also like MIMBOS (More Income for Men Being Opressed as Strippers). Anyway, after hearing that, Howie got upset and says “Hey, you have a good life, but your husband doesn’t because he has you.” SLAM! And you can say the same about her dog!
That’s about the worst the personal attacks got. Either Howie calmed down later in the episode, or the producers decided they had enough. Whatever the reason, it seems like people started thinking about the game, and strangely enough, the person both sides wanted on their side was James. Rachel mentioned that she’ll ask James to help them get rid of Jennifer, and they’ll help him get rid of Maggie. What a great idea Rachel! Bring James into your alliance! He’ll be sure to help you guys out since the last time he was in an alliance, you spent a month trying to get rid of him.
Truth be told, James knew that he was in a prime position to be playing both sides. It started when he tried to restrain Howie, which both sides thought was a good idea. It then continued as he started taking the high road on a lot of issues in the house. When Janelle received her HOH room, she invited everybody to come up and visit, but the Frienship was having none of it. Maybe they knew it didn’t matter because she was going to be HOH only a couple of days, but they didn’t want to visit. You can kind of understand why they don’t like Janelle, since she verbally abused all of them the past week, but if you are going to be complain about Janelle and Howie being poor winners, you shouldn’t go about it by being a sore loser.
James used this moment to kind of ingratiate himself back into the Sovereign Three. He went up to Janelle’s room, said that he was put up four weeks in a row and he has always come up to see the new HOH room. Since the Friendship wasn’t around, he could act like he didn’t really care about them. Anyway, Janelle’s room was predictably girly, and like any young woman living in a metropolitan area, it turns out she has two little dogs. I really hate little dogs, and especially can’t stand it when people bring them to a restaurant and I nearly gag when people eat while holding their dog in their arm or sitting them on their lap. This happens all the time in LA, and it FREAKS me out.
James spent time in the HOH room, but he doesn’t want to be seen with either side all that much. He doesn’t want to look like he was taking in information and reporting it back, although that is precisely what he was planning on doing. James and Ivette have an interesting bond, based on nothing more than Ivette’s instinct, apparently. She says being friends with James might bite her in the ass and teach her a huge lesson about trust, but she is going to trust him anyway. I tend to believe that James and his relationship with Ivette is mostly for strategy reasons, but I also think that she is the last person in the house that he would betray at the moment.
With the Veto competition rolling around, it was time to talk numbers and strategize. Part of the reason why Janelle chose Jenny and Maggie was because she was trying to break up the Friendship like Kaysar had done so many weeks ago when he put up Maggie and James, then nominated Eric. The focus should have always been splitting the Friendship apart, of course, but Howie lost focus and then everybody started gunning for James, meaning the Kaysar alliance lost three members, two to eviction and one to the other side, and if Kaysar hadn’t come back into the house, the numbers would be even more bleak. Kaysar stupidly(and yes, that is the only word for it, STUPID) thought that getting rid of a weak player would be more important to the Friendship than breaking up his alliance, and he paid the price.
But enough of that, you know how I feel, and I am sure I don’t have to remind people every week how upset it made me. April and Jennifer began talking(they snuck behind two couches like the little rat-faces that they are), and the only way to save Jennifer looked like it was going to be taking herself off of the block. They would then try and take out Ivette, because really, it was her fault that the team was breaking up because she was always more friendly with James than with them. April then started complaining that Ivette is playing for herself, and didn’t care about group sacrifice. OH FOR SHAME. Imagine that, Ivette is playing for herself! It’s not like this is a game, with the possibility of a million dollars for the winner. How dare Ivette? Why doesn’t she sacrifice herself for the team, like April is so willing to do? You remember unselfish April, so unselfish that she complained about being the pawn and let Ivette sweat it out on the chopping block so she wouldn’t have to hear it all week from James! Better to hear it from James than Howie, don’t you think April??
The veto competition was a modified hockey game. Their were six hockey goals that had the faces of the Veto participants covering most of the space. The only opening was a small space at the bottoms where their mouths were. Each person had to get a puck into the mouths of each goal, and the person who did it in the shortest amount of time won. Now, it’s unfortunate that they used hockey, because if it was just throwing a ball into their mouths, I would have had lots of balls in the mouth jokes to work with. With this game, I guess I can say “oh that’s a nice facial”, but the joke really doesn’t last that long.
Howie went first, and he got a goal almost immediately. The problem was the object of the game was not to score goals, but to keep the puck inside the area, and Howie was having difficulty, uhh, handling his stick(that’ll work). Perhaps Howie needed that last finger for more control, because he clocked in at almost three minutes. April was next, and she knew how to handle the stick a little better. At her age, she has probably seen a million, of all different sizes, so she was able to beat Howie’s time. Howie was even hugged her after he was done.
I kind of like Janey with her hair up.
The rest of the participants showed their various techniques at stick handling, some kind of bending over while they did it (Maggie), others spending time on their knees (Janelle), some looking completely clueless, but doing pretty good nonetheless (Ivette), some bending over and working at it doggystyle (Jennifer). As soon as I heard it was hockey, I figured that Janelle would have an advantage. After all, she is from Minnesota, what she called Hockey town. Now we all know that Hockey Town, USA is Detroit, but we’ll forgive Janelle. She had brothers who played hockey and so she probably picked up a thing or two. Indeed, she posted a time of 1:46, which became the time to beat. Many people tried to win. Maggie wished that Eric was there, because he played hockey and it was his game. Oh really, I couldn’t tell by all the hockey jerseys that he wore EVERY DAY that he might like the sport. She started off strong, but faded quickly. The same thing happened Ivette. It was finally down to Jennifer, and she too was unable to beat Janey’s time.
Jennifer assumes a familiar position
After Janelle’s win, we get another little segment with Julie before we get back to the veto strategery. Everybody wants to get rid of Jennifer, but James is making the case for Maggie. Maggie is the only one who James fears, because she can see right through him. I think James is smart, but it doesn’t say much for his law enforcement training that he is so convinced that Maggie is a cop. Janelle can really do whatever she wants, because even if the vote is tied, she will cast the deciding vote. After contemplating Maggie and even Ivette, Rachel does a little regulating, and tells her that they can’t play stupid. Unlike Howie, it looks like Janelle is going to use her head and stick with breaking up the Friendship.
At the veto ceremony, Janelle gives Maggie and Jennifer the chance to make their cases. Jennifer starts to make herself out like some martyr, but Maggie knows she has no chance of being vetoed so she didn’t spend a lot of time on a speech and said she would really love to be vetoed. Awwwww, how nice Maggie. I would really love to get a blowjob from Angelina Jolie every night, but we all can’t have every wish, can we? And just when I finished laughing my ass off at Maggie’s stupid wish, Janelle uses the veto on Maggie! (hurry up Brad, I’m waiting!) Seriously, WTF is going on here? What does she get from saving Maggie, especially since this is coming out of the blue with no deal on the table? In her place Janelle says “I vote to evict” oops, she meant to say she nominates Ivette, and that is what happens, but you know that paranoid Ivette is going to worry that she is being backdoored.
For once, all of us were as clueless as Maggie.
Everybody is really stunned, and I think Janelle didn’t even tell Rachel or Howie, but it became clear that her only motivation was to get Jennifer out of the game. Maggie was happy that she might get to “stay another week”. Uhh, unless there is another eviction tuesday, you have at least four days Maggie, don’t complain. Ivette rightly started wondering about Janelle’s little Freudian slip. Really though, it makes sense. She was worried that James would campaign against Maggie and he might get enough votes. He puts up Ivette, who Beau and James are guaranteed to vote to keep, and assures that Jen’s eviction will be a blowout. Ivette starts complaining about the last time she was a pawn and she had a bad feeling, of course, the last time she was a pawn, she WASN’T EVICTED, so she should hope to be a pawn every week at this rate.
Once again, we are back with Julie. This show wasn’t live, but since they were trying to save time, the votes would be live! After some more words from Ivette and Jennifer(who started crying about the great friendships that she made, and the creative name they came up with their alliance), the voting begins with Beau. He goes to the diary room, and as he is walking, Julie begins her little color commentary. I LOVE THIS. For some reason, she keeps her voice down like she is at a golf tournament. “Does Beau evict his partner Ivette, or will he choose to evict his friend Jennifer?” It’s suspense like at the Westminster Dog Show “Will the dog sniff the other dog’s butt, or simply go in to lick his own balls?” I can hardly stand the anticipation.
Unfortunately, after Julie took Beau’s vote, they cut off her little commentary on all of the other voters, showing us only who they voted to evict. This also took away another one of those great Big Brother moments. In live evictions, when the votes have already played out in favor of one person, Julie legitimizes the extension of the spectacle by saying something like “Well, obviously that is enough votes to remove Jennifer from the house, but let’s see what the other houseguests think about it.’” I guess I can back it. Although America always knows who voted for who a secret ballot inside the house is nice.
As predicted, April was the only one who voted to keep Jennifer, who tearfully said goodbye. The evictions are clearly getting more bitter, as Jennifer, like Kaysar, didn’t bother to acknowledge the other team. She went over to sit next to Julie, who still has her spring-loaded handshake arm up to full spec. Jennifer pulled the picture of her boyfriend out of her bag and into next to her on the couch, I guess as a symbol of her love to him. It doesn’t quite make up for her telling millions of people on the internet she sucked off half of the athletes at her college, but it is a nice gesture. In her Chenterrogation, Jennifer tries to make it out like she is a sacrificial lamb and she knew that getting rid of Kaysar would lead to this. If there is one guarantee about houseguests when they leave, they always forget the stupid actions that got them evicted.
We also had a great Chenbot moments towards the end. When talking about her eviction, Jennifer mentioned that other seasons haven’t quite seen this type of division in the house and Julie said “That’s for sure” then had this great “hahahaha” laugh, said “that’s well put”, and then got serious more quickly than Tom Cruise on Access Hollywood. But the laugh, the laugh is priceless. I could describe it all for you, but I know you are dying for some video, so here it is:
Click on the picture for a clip of the Chenterview
After that Julie, almost stumbled when she said that we’ll see Jennifer at the finale. And this reminds me, did anybody notice that odd necklace that Julie was wearing? Perhaps some of our female and/or gay readers will elaborate, but did that not match the rest of her outfit at all, or even her other jewelry? Maybe her nephews made them for her? I don’t know.
With Jennifer out, it was time for the HOH competition. Every single one of these things causes me to lose more hair. At 26, I’m getting a little thin upstairs anyway, and this doesn’t help at all. Thankfully, there is no Amazing Race to contend with, so the rate of balding due to reality competitions has slowed significantly.
With that, we only have the HOH competition left. It was called “On the House” and everybody had to answer questions about objects in the house. Get a question correct, and you win a point. Answer a question incorrectly, and you are out of the game. Not surprisingly, Howie was the first person eliminated. The odds were already in favor of the Friendship, and this just made it worse. Beau got a point, so the Rachel couldn’t just sit back and wait for people to answer questions incorrectly to be eliminated. Soon, Rachel was also eliminated, as she buzzed into a question about the safes in the gold room before Julie finished, and had no idea what it was. Our last and final hope was James, but Beau beat him on the last question, giving the Friendship HOH once again.
This is absolutely killing me. I fear that our Janey is going to suffer the fate of Jennifer and be evicted after her week as HOH. It was great to see Janelle and Howie, get in the faces of the Friendship, but this is the worst case scenario, and it might have paid to be a little more tactful the last week or so, and not rubbed it in everybody’s face. Janelle is a target for almost everybody, and the only thing that might save her is that the Friendship might look to split up Howie and Rachel before they go after Janelle. Then again, Ivette hates Janelle personally, as does Beau, so it might be her last week in the house. The Karma Boomerang is really flying all over the place. Why oh why couldn’t Beau have been the HOH for two days? With his highness of no personality in power, I hope we hear more about beau than his love of pastel polo shirts from Ralph Lauren.
Who will Beau put up? Who is going to go home this week?
(Note on the spoilers, if you really know who is going up, don’t post here, use the forums! And thank you to the people who send us e-mail, but warn us not to read it in the subject line lest we get an unwanted spoiler. That’s the kind of forward thinking we are looking for.)