Big Brother: We Hate Josh Edition

Previously on Big Brother, Chelsia entered the Big Brother house 28 days ago.

And 28 Days Later……

The Chenbot reminds us that after 28 days tempers in the house are at an all-time high. Joshuah is still angry with Allison for pretending to be a lesbian without even cutting her hair into a mullet. Joshuah is also hot-tempered because he is going through withdrawals having snorted all of the coke that he smuggled into the house in his bum. Allison is ready for either herself or Sheila to go home since it is time for them to go their separate ways having realized that being a faux lesbian is nothing like The L Word.

More like Golden Girls

The house guests are all on edge since none of them know what the mystery siren signifies or when it will go off. Sheila has decided to sleep in her sweat pants instead of the flannel bathrobe and crocheted shawl she usually wears. James, Moose, and Matt all decide that whatever is going to happen won’t be pleasant since nothing that sounds like that ever is. On queue Sheila speaks saying “this is getting ugly.”

Natalie and Josh, one of them wearing nothing but too-tight black underwear (I’ll let you figure out which one), think that the siren will be going off later that night. Natalie is visibly shaken that something may occur to wreck the deep spiritual bond she has formed with her little snuggly-wuggly, nutter-butter, peanut butter, Matty-Poo.

“Last night Matty said ‘stay away from me you stupid whore’ but that’s just his way of saying ‘I love you.’”

Later Allison asks Ryan if he really, really, really, infinity trusts Matt and Ryan says that he absolutely does infinity plus 1. Ryan finds Matt to confirm that Matt is on his side, and Matt is slightly offended that Ryan doesn’t trust him. Matt told him that he was voting for him to stay and he meant what he said and he said what he meant, a Bostonian is faithful 100 percent.

Cut to Matt telling Moose the same thing.

Cut to Matt telling Allison the same thing.

Cut to Matt telling Sheila the same thing.

Um…..I will.

Allison believes Matt so she approaches James and Chelsia who are comparing piercing and random infections while lying in the hammock. Allison tells them that she really wants their votes and thinks they’re both so very pretty. James tells Allison that even if he and Chelsia do decide to vote for Ryan and her to stay that Matt and Natalie are voting for Sheila and Moose so the decision would go to the HOHs who despise Allison with the flaming passion of a thousand gay, coked-up suns. Allison tells the two that she truly feels Matt is on her side because he has been nothing but honest with her so far, such as saying that he thinks she looks better without make-up and that the lesbian lie was a really good idea.

James later finds Sheila absorbing moisture through her skin in the terrarium. Sheila tells James the facts: Matt is voting for Moose and her to stay and if James and Chelsia vote against them then the HOH would have to break the tie and James would come off looking like a fool, a fool! James suddenly realizes that Matt has been playing both sides.

James approaches Matt while he is playing pool with Ryan and Moose. James tells Matt that he doesn’t care how Matt is playing, but he does care how it reflects back on he and Chelsia. Matt stumbles for words and tries to play it off when James asks both Ryan and Moose if Matt has told them that he is on their side. Matt says that playing both sides is what Big Brother is all about. Matt also tells James that both Ryan and Moose know that he’s voting for them so they’re fine.

Matt can’t vote for two people at the same time. Unless he’s some kind of wizard. That would be awesome. Just like Dumbledore. Wait, what were we talking about?

With all of the house guests live in the living room The Chenbot 9.0 asks James what he thinks the siren may signify? James spouts conjecture that it may signal the teams splitting up, alien invasion, curses or a possible nuclear meltdown. Matt is asked the same question and he assumes that there is an identical Big Brother house next door and once both houses are down to the final four the two houses will meet and compete against each other. CBS executives frantically grab notepads to begin planning Big Brother 10: Sliding Doors.

The Chenbot asks Sharon what is the most surprising thing about her new partner Josh? Sharon says that she is surprised how much she laughs when he’s around. Whether he’s threatening to physically abuse women, calling her a cunt, or mocking someone’s dead father he always has a smile on his face. He’s a hoot! When the Chenbot asks Sharon if there is any chance that she and Jacob will get back together, Sharon is non-committal since she can only handle one gay boyfriend at a time.

“Let’s listen to Britney and then shop for shoes before getting cocktails at The Tool Box. I love my gay boyfriend!”

The Chenbot asks Natalie what was the best part of winning the POV competition this week? Natalie responds that it was when Matty held her in his big strong arms and for just a brief moment in time she knew what love really was. The Chenbot asks Matt if he technically owes Natalie a massage based on a previous promise, but Matt is also non-committal saying that he could potentially, someday, possibly see himself thinking about, considering the chance of putting his hands on Natalie in a purely chaste and platonic fashion for a very brief massage. Natalie tears up and says, “I love you too, Matty.”

“Well I said I wanted a big church wedding but Matty says ‘don’t touch me, you make me wanna puke,” so we have some decisions to make.”

After her conversation with the house guests, we get to glimpse interviews with Matt and Natalie’s friends as to why the relationship between them won’t work. The other bikini baristas at Natalie’s place of employment, Double D-Café’, say that Natalie is such a spiritual and emotional person that she may sacrifice the prize money for a double shot at true love. They also clue us in that Natalie is an artist, mostly painting portraits of mermaids simply because of one romantic movie from the 80s that changed her life: Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer. Another waitress friend of Natalie’s tells us that Natalie hasn’t yet found true love because she lets guys walk all over her and she doesn’t demand the respect she deserves. Just then a patron at the coffee shop yells, “hey tits, get your thong out of your ass and get me my freakin’ latte you stupid whore.” “Right away sir!”

“How did I get my job here? Well dad abused me and I have a caffeine addiction.”

Matt’s friends tell us that Matt is focused solely on the prize money since he’s stuck in a dead-end roofing job and wants to follow his bliss: following Bon-Jovi around in a kick-ass ’89 Camaro.

Back at the grotto, The Chenbot tells us the real meaning behind the mysterious siren. No it’s not telling us that the Hudson River Virus has made it’s way into the house, and no it does not warn us that Josh has arbitrarily attacked another woman verbally. It does however tell us that the game, as we know it this season, will be changing and no ones lives will ever be the same again. The siren will sound as soon as the evicted couple reaches the door, prompting them to return to the sofa for the announcement. Once there, The Chenbot will inform the house guests that each couple is splitting up and everyone will, from this point on, be playing solo. This means that only one person from the evicted couple will be going home after a second vote. O and Josh does coke.

Chenbot:Run://Speak_houseguests where she notifies Ryan and Allison that they have been evicted from the Big Brother house. There are hugs and well wishes all around, except between Allison and Josh, before Ryan and Allison move to the door. Allison finds that she is unable to open the door and asks for assistance from Ryan who simply says “door please” as if he’s living in a very polite version of the Jetson’s smart house. As they wait to exit the siren goes off and all of the house guests stand in shock before Allison and Ryan both begin cheering realizing that they may indeed be safe from eviction. Everyone rushes to the sofa as The Chenbot instructs them to stop their shenanigans and calm the frick down.

Neil faked a death in the family and now Sharon is trying to strangle herself to get away from Josh.

The Chenbot informs everyone of the twist which elicits screams of satisfaction from the crowd and an uncomfortable amount of humping between Matt and James, before she tells everyone that they now need to vote live for either Allison OR Ryan to leave the Big Brother house. Allison’s face drops to the floor as she realizes she’s screwed harder than Sheila backstage at a White Snake concert.

Both nominated house guests are asked to stand and deliver reasons why they feel they should stay in the house. Ryan’s speech is twangy and stupid but pretty innocuous telling all the house guests that he truly likes every white one of them. Allison then stands and says, “It’s really hard to say something against someone I have really grown to love and respect. But I will. He’s a racist and he farts in bed.”

You know that creamy diarrhea feeling when you just know things aren’t gonna go your way? Yea, that’s Allison right now.

As expected, everyone who is called to the diary room votes Allison as the evictee. When The Chenbot announces this information Allison hugs Ryan and tries to leave without touching or looking at anyone else but gets an ambush hug from Sharon. The entire house rejoices before the door hits Allison in her flat ass on the way out.

Once in the grotto with The Chenbot, Allison is puffy-eyed and solemn like a real lesbian would be. Chenbot asks Allison the most obvious question: what was the reasoning behind the lesbian joke? Allison replies that she doesn’t know why Rosie O’Donnell was born but God does have a sense of humor. The Chenbot clarifies her question and Allison says that it was just a joke that got blown out of proportion and less funny as time went on and they couldn’t put a stop to it. Also, just like Rosie O’Donnell.

In the taped messages to Allison, Matt and Natalie tell Allison that they really like her as a person but needed to get her out of the house since she was such a stiff competitor. She’s gone, you can stop lying now. In Josh’s message he once again berates Allison for offending him by pretending to be gay. I find this entire rationale insane on Joshuah’s part, because didn’t he pretend to be straight until he was outed in the third grade?

Joshuah also says that being gay is not something to be thrown around loosely, but I’m sure once you get a couple booty bumps in Joshuah, he’s very loosey goosey and whistling zipadee-freakin-doo-dah out of his giant, gaping asshole as he’s thrown around the bath house. In Sheila’s message she seems to think that she and Allison were actually a lesbian couple as she states that she hates how things ended between them but says that she will miss Allison and wishes nothing but the best for her. That’s what I should have said the last time I broke up instead of “I faked every one.”

“I’ll miss the way you’d grab my hair, call me a slut and bang me up against the radiator.”

At the HOH competition The Chenbot informs us that the winner will be the first single Head of Household this season, which isn’t true because that’s how I just filed my taxes. The competition is a timeline competition where the house guests must determine which happened first between two events. James and Natalie are the first ones out when they can’t remember if Josh embarrassed his family before or after Natalie acted like a crazy stalker.

Chelsia, Sheila and Matt are out next when they can’t remember which happened first: Sheila was born or fire was discovered. This leaves the brain trust, AKA Ryan and Moose to go head to head in a dramatic battle of the wits. The Chenbot asks which happened first: the sun came up this morning or noon? After a long decision making process and a lot of counting on fingers, Ryan gets the answer correct making him the new HOH!

Q: People find you attractive and pleasant to be around.

Just when you think there couldn’t be any more twists, The Chenbot returns to tell us another shocking secret. Jacob, Jen, Parker, Amanda and Alex have all been sequestered and are awaiting votes from you, America. One of the evicted house guests will be returning to the Big Brother house next week to shake up the game and make everyone’s life a living hell. Think of this person as the Heather Locklear on this much duller version of Melrose Place.

Don’t forget to cast your vote for faggy, bitchy, nappy, whiny, douchey or crazy.

What will happen with Ryan as HOH? Will the HOH room be designated “whites only?” Will Josh be put on the block for being a queer or simply because he’s a douchebag? Will Matt and Ryan finally give in to their animal lust? Find out next week on Big Brother.

I’m not in right now but please leave a comment after the beep. Beep.