Recap: Big Brother: Weapons of Mass DestructJen

It’s our first live eviction tonight on Big Brother. Will Amber be the one to cry, then be evicted, then cry some more? And then cry? Or will Carol march out of the house with dignity while Amber cries? Check out what happens after the jump!

I’ve also thrown in a couple links to some cool stuff from the live feeds, courtesy of the Big Brother Tipline, which is still open for business (fun or dirty live feed links can be emailed to bigbrothertipline[at]gmail[dot]com.

Julie Chen is sporting a fairly conservative black ensemble tonight, save for the giant string of pearls around her neck, which appear to have come from those huge, Flintstone sized-clams. Are they trying to make her head look smaller by throwing gigantic necklaces on her? Because…it’s not working. The best way to do that would be to remove some layers of hair. That’s not an option, of course, because that’s where she keeps all of her attachments, sort of like the back of a vacuum cleaner. Fun fact: She has a perfect dustpan-shaped hole in the back of her hair. It’s for when the floor gets dirty!

My necklace also doubles as a bullwhip. Do not anger me, friend.

The Chenbot tells us that it’s Day 13 in the Big Brother house, and then she recaps the basics of the rivals twist for us, including referring to the nominated Carol as Jessica’s former “Best Friend Forever”. Julie’s former Best Friend Forever is Connie Chung, but we won’t get into the whole ‘Asian Anchor Robot Wars of ’85′ thing right now. It’s a long and bloody story.

BUT FIRST, it’s time for our token ‘Which Nominee Will Go Home?’ segment. Amber tells us that she doesn’t want to go home because she’s not here for herself, she’s here for her FAMILY. Remember how she was like, “We get it, your name is Jen!” about all the shirts last week? Well, we get it. You’re here for your family. Now shut your crazy, weird-looking cakehole.

In the bathroom, Dustin tells Amber that he feels very close to her and would never betray her, effectively pledging his allegiance. Amber watches pensively while wearing a freaking WWJD Bracelet. Apparently, Jesus would engage in a summer long Machiavellian power struggle that demands a large amount of lying and subterfuge and frequently involves people having premarital sex on camera. But he’d do it FOR HIS FAMILY, YOU GUYS. He just wants to give the Virgin Mary a whole bunch of money, like 25,000 dollars.

Jesus definitely wouldn’t cry this much. Or get hit in the face with a tetherball.

Meanwhile, Carol works the other houseguests, including Jen, who is sitting on the hammock eating half a cantaloupe. Jen tells Carol that she’s the smartest choice to keep in the house because she doesn’t have the alliances that Amber already has. Holy crap, could Jen actually know what she’s doing? Maybe the exam to become a member of Jensa is a lot harder than I thought. I just figured it was mostly colors and shapes.

Carol then goes to Jessica and offers to “tear through the house” with her. Jessica dismisses her quickly, because five dollars buys a shitload of Lisa Frank, so I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive her, either. Keeping your Trapper Keeper in unicorn glitter stickers can get a little pricey. I’m just saying.

Carol works Eric, Joe, and Zack to varying degrees of success, but it doesn’t look like she’s making very much headway. Zack even debates evicting Amber with Mike and Nick, but it doesn’t really look like they’re seriously discussing the possibility. They take the discussion to Kail, who says she’ll do whatever everybody else wants. This is becoming a pattern with her, and that doesn’t make for a very interesting houseguest. Jen comes in and catches them talking, which causes them to abruptly exits. Jen asks Kail what Nick and Mike are going to do about the eviction vote, and Kail tells Jen that she doesn’t know. Most people think she was being sly here, but the thing is that she hasn’t thought for herself yet at any point, so she’s just telling the truth. I don’t know if that makes her a better Republican or not.

Time for Julie to talk to the houseguests! We get our first production error when the houseguests can see Julie but not hear her, so Julie runs lynardskynardroadie.exe and goes all “Testing, testing, 1,2,3!”. The houseguests still can’t hear her, so Joe takes cues from Chen’s face and starts extravagantly laughing like Julie just said the funniest thing in the world. Points for Joe for rolling with the punches. Julie asks the houseguests if they read lips (hint: first you have to be able to read) and all of a sudden they can hear her! I always imagine that CBS uses a legion of Chenbots to run this show. Like, there are Chenbots in the control room, Chenbot cameramen, and Chenbot PAs who have to get the other Chenbots coffee, and they all fight over who gets to host that night by having nightly robot duels and when things like this happen, there are massive Chenocides where piles and piles of rusty Chenbots are sent to scrap. Like, after the show HostJulie goes all Kill Bill with a samurai sword through the production offices, just laying waste to anyone she sees. This is because Julie is one of the final five Cylons.

Anyway, all of Julie’s improvisation has worn out her RAM, so she reboots and greets the houseguests again. The first thing you notice is that the two eviction chairs have been replaced with one big purple couch, which means that there will hopefully be potential evictee spooning later. Julie asks Jen what it was like to have to vote to evict someone, and Jen completely spazzes and doesn’t know what to say, so she tells Julie it was ‘fun’. Way to go! How long do you think it took her to come up with all those ‘Jen’ sayings if all she can come up with is “fun”? Julie ribs her a bit for having nothing to say (like, thanks for leaving Julie out in the cold, yo), and asks Eric the same question. The producers are trying to trip him up about the America’s Player thing, which is cool of them, but he handles it pretty well and comes off with a nice answer.

Julie milks the twist a little bit, asking Jessica (who, I must admit, looks extremely hot this evening, meaning that someone else must have done her makeup) about Carol. Carol looks at Jessica with hatred the whole time she answers, fully squeezing a pillow like she wants to jump across the furniture and tackle her.

After Carol gets the same question, Julie asks Dick what it’s like to have Daniele in the house. Dick starts rambling, and it goes on for hours and hours. There are no periods in his sentences, only ellipses. That’s how bad it is. The whole time, the producers keep cutting to Daniele, who is wearing the most awesome “I am so embarrassed by my dad right now” face, like her dad is, at this very moment, chaperoning her senior prom and dancing with the MILF teacher.

Dad! Less talking, more SHUTTING UP.

When Dick finally stops to take a breath, Julie cuts him right the fuck off, which causes the houseguests to crack up. She asks Daniele the same question, and she pronounces it “awkward” with the same accompanying hand motion that Joe used after nominations last week. A Big Brother inside joke! That little nugget’s probably not being overused on the feeds at all.

Julie asks Joe about Dustin, and Joe again hilariously mocks Julie with an overly enthusiastic response. Is it bad that I sort of…don’t mind Joe all of a sudden? He’s a little annoying, and jorts are an unforgivable sin, but he can be a bit funny and he’s clearly pretty down to harass Julie a little bit. Also, he makes fun of Amber a lot, so that earns him some points.

Having suitably made all of the rival pairs squirm, Julie dismisses the houseguests, telling us that we’ll soon get to meet Dick’s family to learn all about why Daniele doesn’t talk to him anymore. But first! We’ll get to hear from Dustin, Joe, Jen, Nick, and Jameka, who will be telling us about their eviction decisions. We don’t actually see any votes (which is a hint that the vote won’t be close), but we do get to see this:

Would it be possible to find even one male contestant who hasn’t read Jase’s Big Book of Poorly Advised Grooming Tips?

Back from commercials, Julie introduces us to Dick and Daniele’s family. Dick’s son Vincent explains that Dick and Daniele haven’t talked for the last couple of years because Dick let Daniele borrow money for “something” and Daniele didn’t pay him back, and they basically stopped talking. I wonder if it was….FIVE DOLLARS? Man, who knew Abraham Lincoln was going to be such an asshole this season?

Then we meet Charlotte, Dick’s mother and possible evil twin.

I’m sorry, but I’m going to need scientific proof that this isn’t just Dick in a Julie Chen wig.

She tells us that he was only 22 when he first became a father. More importantly, someone had sex with him while he was wearing this jacket:

Julie interviews Kail in the HOH room. Kail is swaying back and forth the entire time, possibly because she’s worried about the Greasers busting in and beating up her boyfriend before the sock hop. After asking Kail about her alliance, Julie baits her by asking her about Eric’s fake sob story, and Kail bites when she talks about how Eric must trust her because she’s older. Nice one, Julie! Beware the Chenbot, for her hair it woven from a web of lies.

Jeepers, let’s go down to the malt shop!

When we come back, it’s time to meet Eric’s family and see how they reacted to his coronation as the first ever America’s Player. His brother tells us that Eric knows Big Brother inside and out, so he’s really looking forward to seeing what Eric can do on the show. Eric’s friends and family watch the first episode as he introduces himself via tee ball home run swinging. Everyone cheers, because he ran the right way around the bases! With tee ball, everybody gets a trophy, that’s the awesome part. Eric’s buddy tells us that he thinks the girls in the house will like Eric a lot because he’s very charming, which is the editor’s cue to insert a scene in which Joe flirts with him. Hehe.

When Eric is revealed as America’s Player, Eric’s family is noticeably disappointed because they were really looking forward to seeing what he does in the house. They try and make the best of it, which includes eating a cake that has Eric’s face screenprinted on it. That’s right, consume your friend! America will be doing the same shortly.

Haven’t we seen Eric’s brother somewhere before?

Julie then segues us into Eric’s voting segment so that we can see which way we all decided to vote. After he tells us that he’s been attempting to stay neutral, he opens the envelope and votes for Carol. That makes me sad, because it means that someone out there actually likes Amber and is falling for all of her family bullshit. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch her get hit in the face with a tetherball again.

Julie returns to the housemates on the eviction couch, where Amber is noticeably playing with her necklace on camera (“Look, everybody! Look how much I love my family! Don’t you think I’m totally selfless and awesome for being on TV?”) This Rupert bullshit bothers me so much. Hate! Julie tells the nominees to deliver their final words and gives Amber the floor. Amber, of course, is completely losing her shit and crying all over the place some more, which the other houseguests start laughing at. Oh, Amber. Jesus would so not be crying on TV. Well, unless someone forced him to guest star on The War At Home.

After Carol says her bland goodbyes, Julie opens the envelope and reveals that Carol is evicted by a vote of 10-1. Shocking! Carol leaves the house to minimal fanfare and drops another “awkward” on the way to meeting Julie, who introduces herself, shaking Carol’s hand and going, “Hi, Carol. I’m Julie!” like the giant floating head that Carol’s been watching on the big screen maybe could have been mistaken for Regis Philbin. We spy on the houseguests while Carol gets mic’ed up, and one of them drops yet another “awkward”. And, guess what? Amber’s crying!

Julie starts off by using the term “best friend forever” in front of Carol again, which I love her for. Carol tries not to laugh at her as she tells Julie that Jessica is pretty much the same person she was in high school, and she was sort of just being nice earlier. Julie pulls out the rude footage of Jessica in her Jackie O outfit talking about Carol and The Purloined Five Dollars. On a side note, Harry Potter and the Purloined Five Dollars is the lesser-known prequel to the series we all know and love, in which Harry borrows five dollars from Hermione that he does not pay back, and then she turns him into a salamander.

Jessica rambles on and on about the five dollars, how she doesn’t like Carol’s hair, how Carol is unfaithful to her boyfriends (which elicits a pretty rude face from Carol), and goes on and on about how ugly Carol is in the Diary Room, while wearing eighteen pounds of blue eye shadow. Thanks for that, Too Wong Foo.

Carol takes it all with grace, telling Julie that like she said, Jessica’s the exact same person. Julie gets to the heart of the matter: will Jessica be getting her five dollars back? Such journalistic integrity from Julie Chen! I can’t wait until George Clooney makes this into Goodnight and Good Luck 2.

Julie shows Carol the goodbye messages, in which Amber is crying, AGAIN. I’m going to have to save that phrase to the F1 button or something.

I’m just so worried about the crisis in Darfur!

After Jessica talks more shit in the goodbye messages, Carol is clearly peeved and wants nothing more than to be off camera so that she can tear up her teddy-bear or whatever. Julie thanks Carol, and that’s the last we’ll see of her (at least for a few more weeks, until she comes back). Bye, Carol! Oh, and did I call this, or what?

When we return from commercials, Julie is ready to crown a new HoH. By the way, I think the reason why there are animal-shaped plants everywhere is that the Chenbot has acquired some new scissor attachments. She’s so creative! Is there anything she can’t do?

Hello! During the commercial break, I made you this hedge shaped like a duck that you currently see over my right shoulder. It is yours to take. Please enjoy it.

Today’s HoH competition is the one where you are presented with two options, and you have to choose the one that you think the majority of the other houseguests chose. Anyone who chooses wrong is eliminated. Question 1: Who would you rather rub the butter from the food competition off of, Daniele or Jen? Jen rolls her eyes at the question, because she hasn’t been wearing tiny bikinis around the house for the last two weeks because she wants to be viewed as a sex object. She gets so tired of being objectified, you guys.

Being pretty can be so hard. Just ask my friend Jenna Morasca. It’s totally a curse!

Everybody but Zach picks Daniele, so he’s out. He threw it! Question two: Who don’t you want your little sister on a date with, Nick or Mike? Of course, the answer is Nick, but for some reason Daniele chooses Mike, so she’s out, along with Dick and Nick himself. Everyone thinks that Joe is more likely to cheat than Dustin, so nobody is out. Maybe if he hadn’t gone around the house screeching about gonnorhea, today would have gone a little differently, eh? The questions keep coming, and eventually only Dustin, Joe, Eric, and Jen are left. At this point I was happy, because I just didn’t want it to be somebody boring like Mike.

The tiebreaker question is about how many gallons of water the teacup in the backyard can hold. Everyone makes a logical guess but Jen, who guesses…41. Of course, it’s a trick question and the cup can only hold nine gallons because of the hole in the side that people use to get in and out, so Jen with her dumbass answer is the Head of Household by sheer luck. OMG, her brain is totally a Weapon of Mass DestructJen, you guys!

Jen gets her key to the HoH and pretty much nobody except Kail looks happy. Before Julie Chen sends us out, we get a little bit of extra audio from the backyard in which Jen cops to being the one that voted for Amber to be evicted. Her explanation is gold: “I’m sorry Amber, I voted for you to be evicted. I just thought, out of all the people in this house, I’ve talked to Amber, like, fourteenth out of thirteenth?”

That makes me so excited for this week.

Jen is totally random and dumb, so I can’t wait to see what crazy stuff she does. What did you guys think of the first live eviction? Who will Jen nominate? I’ll see you guys Sunday for a Flipit/Schoonie liveblog of the events!