Big Brother turned 180 degrees again last night as the power in the household shifted back to Maggie & Co. amongst a flurry of giggles, hugs, and spazzy “Omigods!” Yes, just when King Kaysar had it all figured out, the ole Karma Boomerang clunked him in the head and sent him scrambling for cover all over again. Such is the way of Big Brother. One week you’re on top, and then the next, you’re toast, as Kaysar might say. Surely this tug-o-war will end bitterly, and TVgasm will be there to document it meticulously.After a dizzying two weeks of action-packed drama, the show finally came back down to the stratosphere last night as we followed the humdrum activities of the household while it braced for some of the most predictable nominations yet. Before we even got to that, however, we needed to hear the cast’s reaction to Eric “Cappy” Littman’s eviction. “I love that man!” yelled Ivette into the camera, adding, “The only thing I love more than Cappy is YELLING. BECAUSE I LOVE TO YELL!!!!” Honestly, she must have broken two or three microphones during her interview. This might also explain why at 11:45 AM on Thursday morning, I heard, out my window, a Latina screaming “I love that man!” By the way, have we actually figured out why Ivette loves Eric so much? Is it because of his sob story about going into the burning building with his partner? Or is it because his cue ball head and pouty nature remind Ivette of a newborn baby and/or an M&M? I guess we’ll just have to wait for her memoirs, which I’m hoping she’ll title, “I AM AN IDIOT!”
Janelle’s reaction to Eric’s departure was much more enjoyable: “I just kind of sat back and watched his little friends hug him goodbye.” Well, I wouldn’t call them “little.” After all, they do tower over Cappy by about a foot or three. I wonder if Eric has black-and-white nightmare flashbacks to traumatic childhood games of Monkey In The Middle. Eh, he’s probably more tormented by the notion of someday having to wear less than four different Las Vegas Fire Department garments at once.
Anyway, as people continued to comment about Eric’s eviction, we saw footage of him leaving the house. And then the camera zoomed in on Jennifer. Aaaaaand she was silent yet again. Phew! I thought she might, you know, say something.
With Cappy finally gone, it was now time to relive the travesty that was the Head of Household competition. We watched yet again as Maggie singlehandedly killed the momentum of the past week and ascended to the HOH throne. She was then hugged/attacked by all the people who had actually just voted against her. Yes, her alleged alliance rallied to her side, and it somewhat shocked me that none of Kaysar’s group even thought to exploit the fact that these four people (Ivette, Beau, April, and Jennifer) had been the only ones to explicitly move to oust Maggie. Had I been in the household, I surely would have not only pointed this out, but told Maggie that if she didn’t nominate one of her crew, then she’d be put on the chopping block as soon someone from my alliance was in power. You know, tighten the reins a bit. Make her sweat under Cappy’s hat.
Anyway, back to the HOH competition. As Maggie celebrated her victory over Sarah (whom her boyfriend James described as “somewhat intelligent” — aww, such a sweetheart), Kaysar noted that “it was a sobering moment.” Unlike those other moments when Kaysar has been so giddy and full of excitement. Maggie, meanwhile, looked up to the heavens and said, “Thank you Eric.” Uh, he didn’t die. He’s not up in the sky. Unless…is Eric a ghost? SUMMER OF SECRETS!!!
Hmmm…with Eric being a ghost and Julie Chen being a robot, I’m starting to think this might just be one elaborate episode of Scooby Doo. Or anime. Yeah, probably anime (on account of Julie Chen’s Asian-ness and such).
Anyway, with Maggie taking over the house, Ivette and her oddly un-tanned calf (did anyone else notice that?) proudly boasted, “I am the cherry on top of the sundae!” Yes, the nasty, annoying sundae. What the hell was she talking about anyway? Moments later, she noted that payback is a bitch, but again, cherries? Sundaes? Listen, people: I know you like your metaphors as much as the next person, but you can’t just throw them around willy nilly. They need to make sense. But I guess we can give Ivette a free pass, what with her being a moron and such.
Sarah’s reaction to Maggie’s victory was a bit more resilient and, well, naive (it is Sarah, after all): “We’re not gonna rally against each other.” This comes from Sarah, who will soon be stabbed in the back so many times, we’ll think she was on the Orient Express (A little Agatha Christie humor. Anyone? Anyone?).
Later, after the competition had ended, Maggie and Ivette shared a hug in the empty food pantry / airlock. “Maggie and I are playing for Cappy,” declared Ivette. Oh REALLY??? I never would have guessed! Hey, let us know just one more time how much you love Eric. By the way, did he ever tell you his initial plan to vote you out? No? Oh, never mind then.
After Maggie and Ivette babbled a bit more about Eric and how wonderful he was, we finally had that most hallowed of weekly ceremonies: the unveiling of the new HOH room. Oooooh. The group gathered ’round Maggie as she unlocked the door, and with the usual punk rock playing on the soundtrack (Head of Household room!!! ROCK ON!!!!!), Jennifer began screaming before she had even entered the room. Apparently she thought Jon Bon Jovi would be inside waiting for her. Anyway, like a bunch of toddlers crying at nothing at all, the girls followed Jennifer’s lead and began screaming their guts out. OMG! The HOH ROOM! It looks… EXACTLY THE SAME!!!! But now there are new COOKIES!!! And Oh. My. God. Maggie got a new pillow!!!!! The squishy kind too! Best afternoon evah!
James pretty much echoed my sentiments: “The Head of Household bedroom was wonderful. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. No, it was pathetic. I’m watching all these putrid little rats go around and try to kiss Maggie’s ass some more. Let her listen to, you know, her music and smoke banana peels and do whatever the hell she does in there. Just…stuff makes me sick.” And because we can never get enough bitterness, Janelle followed up with her own contempt: “Her stuff doesn’t really interest me. She collects turtles, and I saw a turtle. Oooh, that’s exciting.” Wow, I really didn’t think Maggie could be any more plain, but collecting turtles? She might as well profess to love rice cakes and vanilla wafers.
Anyway, once she was properly installed in her new lair, Maggie began her pseudo-Kaysar attempts to strategize. First she called in Rachel and told her that she believed she was a good person (perhaps Rachel had saved a turtle once?). Then Maggie brought in Howie and grilled him, asking him whether or not it was his idea to initially put her and James on the chopping block last week. Howie hemmed and hawed his way through some stammering responses, and eventually he and Rachel agreed not to put Maggie up if one of them were to be Head of Household next week. Odds of Howie and Rachel throwing the HOH competition? 3-2.
Downstairs, James feebly attempted to get back in with Ivette and Beau, but their three collective brain cells were enough to make them resist. Apparently, they simply could not understand the logic that James had to turn on the group or else they would have all voted him out. So basically, Ivette and Beau were mad at James that he had the nerve to save himself. At this point, Maggie joined the conversation and asked, “I just wonder if you know that you’re pulling away from a group that would have stayed true to you as long as they could.” It should be noted, however, that “as long as they could” meant “until last week.”
Seeing that direct logic had no effect on his mentally challenged adversaries, James then tried a more sentimental tactic by apologizing to Maggie in her HOH room. It was a fairly pathetic and transparent display, and since Maggie (the brightest of her alliance) saw right through it, the entire attempt pretty much failed entirely. Switching gears yet again, James then sold Sarah up the river, saying that if she was put up on the block, he wouldn’t use the veto to save her. Yes, I’m sure Maggie really appreciates that sort of loyalty. When that didn’t work, the two simply wound up talking about secrets and whatnot, with James saying that he couldn’t read Maggie very well. She gave some ambiguous and blatantly misleading responses, and somehow, James became convinced that Maggie was actually a cop. After all, she had the HOH room set up like an interrogation room, he claimed. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s the only interrogation room in the country featuring turtle figurines and a squishy pillow. Anyway, the meeting came to an end with James triumphantly telling us, “Maggie is a cop!” Great. And that will impact the game how?
By the way, James also mentioned several times that he and Maggie were both cops. Uh, I believe your title is “Loss Prevention Manager” — a.k.a. security guard. Let’s not get too carried away, Sonny Crocket.
And now it’s time for a little comedy, courtesy of house buffoon, Howie. Apparently, our resident weatherman-to-be loves him some boobies. How do I know? Because he apparently parades through the house saying, “I love boobies.” If he’s lucky enough, he might have some of his own. Seriously, How-dog has been packin’ on the PB&J pounds lately. Must be stealing all of April’s weight — she has dropped from 108 lbs to 102, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW. (Hey, the Crypt Keeper has to maintain a healthy, skeletal physique). Anyway, during this oh-so-wacky montage, we saw Howie saying all sorts of boobie things, like “It’s a waste of your big boobies to not have somebody take care of them for you.” But seriously, Michael was the real sexual aggressor. Thanks Eric.
After this comic bit was over, we then saw Kaysar and his group scheming in the corner. They have yet to give themselves some stupid nickname, so for the time being, I guess I’ll call them the Super Six or maybe Team Bitter. Or maybe I just won’t call them anything at all. Nevertheless, King Kaysar seethed, “I have pride in this group!” He LOVES his alliance! Alas, it seems as though the Sextet of Splendor (No? Too wordy?) will be tumbling down this week. Kaysar noted that Maggie was going to use his own strategy against him. Now he must outsmart himself. Would somebody tell Jerry Bruckheimer to stop feeding Kaysar lines?
When we came back from commercial, we learned that Ivette is an allegedly creative person. This was personified by her creating a hummingbird feeder out of some spare items around the house. She later noted, “I LOVE THE HUMMINGBIRD! He has my heart and soul. I’m playing for the hummingbird now!!”
We then saw all the creative things Ivette has come up with: rug checkers, the coaster game, the “ghetto slide,” “ghetto french toast,” “ghetto bread pudding,” and even “ghetto ice cream” which looked to be the unsavory union of ice shavings, cinnamon, and peanut butter. “That tastes like the ice cream my grandmother used to make,” said April, whose grandmother apparently made TERRIBLE ice cream. April then noted, “Back in my day, we didn’t have ‘freezers’ or ‘ice boxes.’ We had snow, and if it didn’t last until summer, then you didn’t get ice cream. We’d have to eat dirt off a twig instead AND WE LIKED IT!”
Apparently Ivette hasn’t concocted any “ghetto Slim-Fast.”
Well, all this talk about ice cream appropriately segued into the evening’s challenge, “Matching Munchies ’05.” Basically, it was a Match Game rip-off, and in honor of the classic Gene Reyburn show, four of the panelists were outfitted in campy 1970s wigs and costumes. “April was horrible!” declared Jennifer. We then saw a shot of April, who looked exactly the same as usual.
April’s “horrible” costume. Also known as “What she looks like every day.”
But anyway, the rules of the game were fairly simple. Hostess Maggie would read a sentence out loud, and then one person would have to fill in the blank with what they thought was the appropriate word. A panel of four (Sarah, Kaysar, April, and Howie) would then write down their answers, and if more than two people matched the contestant, the household would win groceries for a day. No word on whether or not the panelists were allowed to confer, but J-Unit became quite heated as he surmised that the panelists were not only discussing their answers, but strategically deciding who would write what. You can read his scathing analysis here. But if you’re like me and don’t really care that much about GroceryGate 2005 (it was, after all, just a food competition), we can move on.
Anyway, the first few people successfully procured food for the house without incident. But then it was time for Janelle. Hostess Maggie innocently asked, “You know you’re flying first class when the stewardess offers you a chocolate covered ______.”
“Well, since I often fly first class, I’m gonna say…strawberry!” replied Janelle with a sly smile on her face. This immediately brought the wrath of Beau who flamed out in an interview and scoffed, “I’m like whatever!” Hey Beau, it’s called “tongue in cheek.” LOOK INTO IT. Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised that the idiots of the house would blatantly misinterpret Janelle’s humor. They are, after all, idiots.
Soon it was Ivette’s turn. “Donna said, ‘My husband the pastry chef is getting a bit nearsighted. Last night, he went outside and tried to ____ the dog,” said Maggie. Faced with this perplexing dilemma, Ivette simply clenched her eyes and yelled, “Where’s CAPPY???” Apparently, Eric is the expert when it comes to _______ing the dog, whatever ______ing may be (my vote: humping).
Unsurprisingly, the houseguests won food for the entire week, even with dim-bulbs like Ivette playing the game (again, see J-Unit’s GroceryGate conspiracy). As a bonus, the roommates were also given the last two numbers for the safe in the gold room. Oooh. Ahhh. What would be inside? Bars of gold? Diamonds? A GUN?? Well, not exactly. After several attempts by everyone in the house, Kaysar finally unlocked the safe and pulled out…a plate of PB&J sandwiches. Oh. Swell. Big Brother sure knows how to knock those twists out of the park!
Ah, but perhaps I spoke too soon. Turns out inside one of those PB&J sandwiches was the “PB&J Pass” which would exempt one person from PB&J for the rest of the season. Even better, that person could choose to lend their PB&J Pass to someone for a week. Ooh, could be quite the bargaining chip, especially when it comes to April, who at press time is a frail 79 lbs. Well, everyone took a sandwich, sat around the table, and before we even knew what was going on, Janelle shrieked in victory. Amazingly, we did not cut to Beau in the Diary Room complaining, “Ugh! She was like ‘Yay, I won!’ Bitch.”
Actually, Beau had more pressing things on his mind — like the amorous intentions of Howie. That’s right. The man who loves boobies apparently loves fake kissing Beau too. We watched about two minutes worth of Howie slowly cornering Beau and getting ever closer to the personal shopper’s lips. The scene was surprisingly funny, but (bi) curiously enough, we never saw the two lock lips (various screencaps of the live feeds show the two swapping spit). Nevertheless, Howie claimed he was comfortable with his sexuality and as a result attracted people of all different “ethniticities.” None of whom, unfortunately, come bearing dictionaries.
When “ethniticities” unite…
As nominations neared, Sarah attempted some nice-girl scheming, which of course completely failed. She cozied up to the HOH and her clan and spilled the beans about everyone, but as Maggie wisely noted later, all of Sarah’s babbling put James in a good light. Ah ha! CAUGHT! No clay turtles for you at Christmas, SARAH!
Anyway, CBS tried some quick misdirection by suggesting that Maggie might put up Sarah and James, but we all knew it was Kaysar’s time to return to the hot seat. At the nomination ceremony, it was business as usual. April pulled out her key first, followed by Ivette, Jennifer, Beau, Rachel, Howie, Sarah, and then Janelle. Not that Maggie’s revealing her gameplan or anything…
Unsurprisingly, Kaysar and James wound up nominated, causing the former HOH to remark, “I think you should look forward to the most competitive — not just veto competition — but competition in Big Brother history.” He then added, “And be sure to watch it all here at CBS. Home of The Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. Fridays this fall. Welcome home.”
And because we forgot to post this image earlier this week:
What do you think will happen? Do these guys have any way to save their hides?