By admin|Wednesday, September 7, 2005 | 3:00 am | 64 Comments
I think that it is safe to say that the promised “Summer of Secrets” has kind of fallen flat when it comes to the secrets part. Sure, we had a secret room, and everybody had secret partners, but all of that excitement didn’t last more than a couple of weeks. Even Ashlea was able to guess that a houseguest might be coming back, and while the contents of a gold safe might be a secret, it’s not necessarily interesting. Thankfully, the rest of Big Brother has been very much worth watching. It seems like I am hanging on the outcome of every single competition, and I will continue to do so just as long as there is any fight among the last two standing members of the Sovereign Six.I was in Vegas this past weekend, and even surrounded by thousands of tourists from Taiwan to Topeka, I was still wondering what the outcome of the game was going to be. I sent a text message to B-Side to get the results, and happily interrupted my dinner at the Bellagio (the crab cakes at Olives? delish) to get an update of the results. I was less than happy with the outcome, but that didn’t temper my enthusiasm for a night at Light, drinking my night away on $12 vodka tonics. When I returned home and things finally started settling in, I realized that Ivette was HOH, which means that our dear Janey was the likely target. Even with a scant two weeks remaining in the house, those were two weeks that I would definitely enjoy more with Janelle in the house.
Tonight, I was quickly reminded why I could not stand the Friendship. As soon as Beau left, people started crying and saying how they miss him. I am not disparaging that, we all deal with loss in our own ways. What I am getting sick of, however, is the constant canonization of a member of the Friendship as soon as they leave the house. Of Beau’s departure, April opined “It is very, very sad. All we can do is remember Beau in this house and take a piece of him with us.” OK, what in the hell is that supposed to mean? Beau did not die. He is not going be cremated and have his ashes divvied up among the Friendship to keep in urns on their mantles.
Fortunately, the rest of the logic in the house was alive and well. Take Maggie’s statement, for instance. She said that even though she wasn’t HOH, she felt like she was the one who was sending a person home. Again, I don’t even understand how she can’t see the irony in her own statements. It was almost like Maggie was trying to tell us that she was in a competition, and each week she got to help decide who was going to go home. How can a person actually survive being this stupid? Much more of this, and I am going to send Les Moonves the emergency room bill after I am forced to gouge my own eyes out to get the pain to stop.
But have no fear, there was Ivette to put it all into perspective for us. She was crushed that Beau was leaving, and it all went back to – who else? Cappy! Poor Ivette, she was going to have to survive now without Eric or Beau, sort of like how she was able to survive without having met them in the first place. After that, she began to complain that since her partner was gone, she would “only” have the chance of winning half a million. As somebody who hasn’t made $500,000 in their entire working life (admittedly, I have only been a blog hero for one year now), I would have to say that complaining about your prize on a reality show is almost one of the dumbest things that you can do.
Ivette was the last person currently in the house who did not win HOH, and she was THRILLED to win. Immediately after she won, she had to celebrate, and instantly ran to the one thing that could comfort her the most. And so she sought refuge in the arms of oversized Ikea patio furniture. When those synthetic devices were not enough to keep her happy, she ran into the house screaming “I’m HOH. I’m HOH!” With her chance to once and for all show the world what good sportsmanship is like, she instead screams about her win to the top of her lungs. Does she not deserve to celebrate? Of course she does, but that is not the point. What she did was remind us of how Howie and Janelle and any of their allies were selfish poor sports that shouldn’t be allowed to live.
Normally, I wouldn’t be so worried about, but she does have the power to nominate, and let’s face it, she is a strong woman. You can imagine my horror when, early in the episode, we had a shot of Ivette running towards the camera in celebration of beating Maggie (who really threw the competition). She came barreling towards us like some uncontrolled and vengeful Jabba the Hutt, stomach roll upon stomach roll swaying back and forth, jockeying amongst themselves to be the one chosen to become the most memorable fab slab of flab. And oh, doesn’t it looks so sexy in those skin-tight jeans and tops that the she is always wearing? It doesn’t make me want to vomit all over my living room AT ALL. Take a look a this scene in full glory. Not to worry, the images can’t hurt you, unless you count the retina scarring as a result of extended viewings. I even put it in slow motion to maximize the effect:
Click on Ivette to play
Could things get any worse? But of course, we haven’t even come to the part where Ivette wins her HOH room. Ivette was so very happy that she was going to get a picture of her girlfriend, Maggie. Everybody was fawning over the picture of Ivette and Maggie, saying how beautiful the two of them were. I got a distinctly different impression. Ivette told us that her pet name for her girlfriend was “Tushy,” because she got sick of calling her girlfriend “babe” all of the time. I thought it was a more appropriate nickname because Tush is close to “ass” and “ass” was the first word that popped into my head when I saw Maggie’s face. In fact, we should call the Maggie in the house Tushy as well, if going by the “face looks like ass” criteria. Or maybe we can just make it easier and call her assface. I could say more about Ivett’es Tushy, but Janelle (who I am ready to admit that I have a full-on crush now) summed it all up for us saying “I don’t want to slander anybody on national television, but her girlfriend is ugly as hell.” She also managed to work a nice insult with the passive-aggressive statement “oh look, isn’t that the same shirt you’re wearing in the picture?” Imagine Piggy from Road Rules, combine with Irene from Real World, and you got a really close approximation of what Maggie looks like.
As ugly as Maggie was, Ivette was even more annoying telling us about how much the little things Maggie had sent to her were so important, like a pillow that her mom had made, and a set of rosary beads that she always wore. Ivette nearly broke down talking about those rosary beads and how much it was a sacrifice for Maggie to give them up. They were meant to protect her, and she sent them to California to protect Ivette. Oh no, whatever will Maggie do? It’s going to be so hard to find rosary beads to replace the ones she gave up! If she goes looking for more, some bastard is going to charge her almost fifty cents for another set. I also think they come free in those El Pollo Loco happy meals and specially marked 12 packs of Tecate.
Howie and Janelle knew that they were in trouble, but Janey was not going to give up without a fight. She knew that there were ways that she could make a deal, but it all had to start with one of them winning the veto. If either of them won, it would force Ivette to put somebody up, probably April. From there, they could guarantee Ivette a trip to the final three if either of them was HOH, and they would also give her a vote if either one was on the jury. Overall, it’s really not a bad plan, but they did have to win the veto competition first, and that was not going to be easy.
While we were all left contemplating whether this would be Janelle’s last week in the house, we were treated to yet more light sabre antics starring Howie. Normally, I really hate these stupid segments. Isn’t there anything better that they can do? What happened to the “look who’s getting fat” segment? How about the “shopping spree” where they all make a mad dash for new clothes? And who wouldn’t want to see that new segment that features houseguests destroying their least favorite article of clothing from one of their roommates? What about MORE SEQUESTER HOUSE? There is so much to choose from, and the producers are just letting it go by.
The light sabres would have to do, and I will admit that they have one great side effect, and that is that it REALLY pisses off the Friendship. As much as it is stupid that Howie plays around with light sabres and quite literally believes that he is a jedi, it’s pretty harmless, no? I mean, these are folks that don’t even have a deck of cards to keep them company, and invented a game throwing coasters into the middle of a coffee table in order to pass the time. He only got to be HOH for a couple of days, so how hard is it to simply let him screw around? After all, it’s not like any of the Friendship does anything more than hang around the HOH room and complain about the others. They wonder why he acts so strange. Yes, it is so much more normal to do things like sleep in one bed with your two friends in the house spying on the rest of the house from a big plasma screen, all with the lights off just for the hell of it. I know what wouldn’t be strange! How about we erect a shrine to all of our friends who have been evicted just so we never forget them. But to make sure, let’s make sure to invoke their names at any chance we get just in case some people forget.
Howie shenanigans out of the way, it is now time for Ivette to do the difficult job of nominating people for eviction. As the number of houseguests gets smaller and smaller, the stupidity of this exercise increases ten fold. Nobody is sitting there for any extended amount of time believing that anybody besides Howie and Janelle are going up. And is it really necessary to have that entire box with them every time? Can’t they make a smaller one, like they have the small tables?
With little suspense, Howie and Janelle are in fact nominated, and it gives Ivette a chance to speak her mind. She says she finds it funny that “if you speak the truth you are considered loud, if you stay quiet you’re beating around the bush, and if you lie your are a snake.” Uhh, where do I begin? I guess she thinks that she always speaks the truth and people consider her loud. The truth of the matter is that we think Ivette is loud not because she speaks the truth, but she has to scream everything at the top of her lungs. It doesn’t matter if she is telling Howie that he had speedos in his HOH room or telling the whole lot that she won HOH; she is always yelling. Ivette would yell at a person who was deaf if she thought it would help them read her lips.
And what about the second part of that statement, that “if you are quiet you’re beating around the bush.” Can somebody please help me on that one? Why is it funny that people who stay put are considered beating around the bush? Isn’t it more like the definition of beating around the bush? Same thing goes for the last statement. It’s not funny to be called a snake for lying, in fact a lot of people are called snakes for lying.
Ivette doesn’t stop there though. She patronizes Janelle a little bit by saying that she underestimated her skill, and then said it was “amazing what a woman can do to a man.” As for Howie, he is condemned for picking the wrong team. These speeches had the Friendship practically peeing their pants in excitement. I wouldn’t say that Ivette’s speech was as dumb as Beau’s speech, but it was pretty close, and there was Maggie right there to say just how wonderful it all was. Ivette said that she was upset that she forgot some of the things she wanted to say, but Maggie said that “at least you remembered to say that she manipulates men.” I am sort of wondering about this outrage for a couple of reasons. First, I think anybody could have told you that Howie is so whipped, he would kiss a beautiful woman’s ass if it meant he would have a better shot at her grandkids. And I’m sure that Janelle is well aware of her effect on men considering she works as a cocktail waitress. I think that’s why I hate the Friendship, they suck at everything, including their insults of other people.
The veto competition was the return of one of my favorites, which was the head morphing game. Each person would go into the backyard separately where they would see a face that was composed of various portions of three different house guests. The players had to choose which three houseguests made up the conglomerate face before them. They would have six different combinations to choose from, and the person who got all of them correct within the shortest amount of time would win.
I’ve always loved this game, as it gives us some really ugly combinations. It’s also fun to guess who is who. Some facial features are so easy to recognize, like Eric or Michael’s chin, or Kaysar’s eyes or hair. The outcome of this competition basically was going to decide if Janelle was going home or not. Ivette pretty much promised that Janelle was going home, and really wanted to keep her nominations intact. With so few people in the house, there was no way to backdoor Janelle against her will, so she would be free to compete and save herself.
As the game wore on, I really started to get worried. April posted a four minute time, and Ivette came in at three minutes and twenty seconds. Howie was hovering around ten minutes (which I hope was divine punishment for deciding to wear James’ boxers – how disturbing is that?), which meant that Janelle was going to have to work really hard, which is exactly what happened. Unfortunately, during her time in the competition, it looked like she was having trouble. She’s smart, and she does well under pressure, but it didn’t look like that was the case this time. The only thing left was to wait for the results. As I waited for the final times to be revealed, I was practically begging for it to be over with. Why prolong the pain? Why can’t they just make it easy on me? Isn’t it enough that I have been captivated the whole summer? Must you take advantage of me yet again?
The times were revealed, and Janey was the winner. Yet again, there was an audible shot and cheers rang out through the TVgasm offices. Janelle saved herself for another week, but how can I say that I am surprised? For the last couple of months, she has been giving us the best sound bites, and has been coming through with great performances when she really had to. Janelle, I am so sorry that I called you a man (really it was this madeyoulaugh guy who did the speculation). You have catapulted yourself into one of the greatest reality characters of all time, and the only testament you need to your greatness is the envy of your opponents. April complained that the only thing Janelle wants is a sugar daddy, which sounds strange coming from the obvious trophy wife that April is.
Maggie, trying to explain away her team’s poor performance, said that the reason why Janelle did so well was because she stared at everybody and that she never got to know a person on the inside, only their outer appearance. Yeah, nobody from the Friendship is ever concerned about appearance, just ask your body builder cult leader, or Ivette, who hated Janelle after getting to know her all of one hour. Then you can ask the personal shopper and then perhaps you can finish off with the sorority girl with fake tits and a nose job. I think Maggie’s criticisms can be boiled down to her being jealous of Janelle’s great looks and her superior intellect and athletic skills as well.
All in all, the pieces are in place for one of the greatest turnarounds in reality history. Janelle and Howie continued to talk about their plan for getting April out of the house, but it wasn’t until later, when Howie was doing some laps in the pool that we actually thought something dramatic might happen. I think Ivette is mentally sharp person when she has to be, and she has heard enough talk from Maggie and April to know that you have to start thinking a lot more about yourself, and that includes who you want to end up with in the end. Ivette knows her chances are much better with Howie or Janelle in the final two than Maggie or April. When the time comes, Janelle uses her veto, and Ivette nominates April in her place, meaning we’ll see lots more very enjoyable crying from her in the next couple of days.
This episode was almost too good to be true. There is not much hope left for Janey and Howie to win everything, but at least they tried their best and Janelle managed to save herself for another week. All eyes will be on Janelle this Thursday. I can’t wait see if she makes her way into the final two, and even if she breaks my heart and gets herself evicted next week, she made perhaps the most improbably long run of in the history of the show.
What do you think? Is Howie a goner or will Ivette turn against the Friendship and secure a better spot among the final two?