Previously, on Big Brother, the live show cut off in the middle of an argument between Dick and Jameka. And for those of you wondering why Kail wasn’t told about America’s Player and crying conspiracy or whatever, here’s your answer: she’s boring and no one cares. We color in at the oh-so-gratifying moment of Dick completely freaking out over Kail’s eviction. While Kail hugs everybody in her bunny suit, Dick calls everybody a liar and molts all over the place. It’s great. After Kail walks out the door, Dick starts in immediately, calling everybody a liar, bitching about Eric’s existence in the house as if it is somehow offensive to Dick’s sensibilities to be near him. I’m sorry, he thinks he’s coming off as some sort of badass, but what he is doing is whining. Everybody just stays quiet while he berates them, probably because they’re so tired of being around him that this is pretty much the only thing to do. It’s like when a three-year-old is throwing a tantrum; you have to just let him scream himself out until he passes out on the floor.
Now we flashback to the HoH competition’s final round where Jess bested Jen, and then the greatest celebration ever (well, other than “bye bye bitches”) commenced, where Dustin and Eric completely throw Jess around the yard like she is a dodgeball while Dick and Daniele sit idly by and cry silent, tasty tears. The thing is, Dick has this coming for being such a pain in the ass. He deserves to have every action taken this week thrown in his face as just, just comeuppance, so it’s not so much that I’m a fan of Jessica’s crew (even though I am, save for Amber), its that Dick eating his just desserts is something that I could watch all day.
Dick finishes his cigarette while the houseguests all stand around the backyard talking about the competition and waiting for Chen to give them directions. Basically, while Kail’s boring-terview was going on, this is what was happening inside the house. Dick strolls right over and starts calling Amber a liar (an idea that he got from…the banner plane, so way to think you’re smart again) Amber gets all self-righteous and tells Dick to stop harassing everybody and about how “brutal” it is, but I have a problem taking her side when her hair has been imported from MTV’s 2003 Spring Break coverage.
Jameka has now officially had it up to here with Dick, so she chooses this time to tell him where to stick his mouth. She tells him that she hasn’t lied, and even if he thinks she has it kind of doesn’t matter. Then Dick says, “Isn’t it funny how I can be more honest than the people who read the Bible in the house?” as if his “honesty” doesn’t occur only when it suits him to berate someone. Jameka’s pretty much hyped now, so she gets all up in his face about God, and how Dick’s the one that made it personal and not Jameka, and she just talks nonstop about everything and reams Dick out, not giving him an opportunity to respond and taking advantage of Dick’s greatest weakness, which is the fact that he thinks that he’s the most logical and forward person in the house and pointing out the hypocrisy inherent in the fact that he only does it when it suits him and to be personal. Dick just stands there like an idiot because he doesn’t have a response and he eventually has to resort to fake mocking her hand motions, because…he just doesn’t have anything else. Jameka tells us that she was doing everything she could to make sure that “her hands were in front of her and not anywhere on his body”. You guys, I think she means that she wants to feel Dick up. Love connection!
And then Amber, as you will notice throughout this entire episode, decides to insert herself into an argument in which she should not be a party. I mean, I get that Dick was talking about her too, but Jameka is doing a fine job, so keep your trucker hat out of this. Then Dustin gets in and screams at Dick, but he is unable to avoid Jameka’s wrath and she just keeps moving into his line of sight, which is awesome. After some more yelling about Jesus, Jameka retires into the house. She is putting away some clothes, and Dick follows her into the room and tries to start it up again, so Jameka hustles out of the room to avoid another confrontation. Good for her. Jameka tells us that she thought it was dirty that Dick brought religion into it and that she just wants him to come at her with something of substance instead of personal attacks, because that’s cheap and she knows it. So, Jameka is awesome, on a side note. I know she’s churchy or whatever, but she does it in such a way where it’s meant to be a private, quiet moment instead of a spectacle, AMBER, and she doesn’t back down and I’m pretty much on Team Jameka at this point.
After the commercials, Dani is holed up in the round room crying about how her plan wasn’t successful and how she hates everyone in the house and wants to go home and how her bunny suit is chafing her and how she doesn’t like the color of the walls and whatever else. I feel like CBS really wants us to like Daniele, but I just don’t. And watching Dick comfort her is not doing her any favors.
Jess is talking to Jameka and Amber about how she can put up whomever she wants and the person they want will be gone, because their alliance controls the numbers. So, good on them for keeping Eric last week. But, the thing is: I could really see Amber winning the game at this point, which is terrifying to think about. Dustin and Eric are bigger targets than her when the other side wins HoH, so unless she has a complete mental breakdown (which is entirely possible), she’s probably making the final four. And that will only legitimize all of her bullshit up to this point, so I’m really hoping that doesn’t happen.
Jessica gets the key to her HoH room and rallies the house to come see it. She’s gotten pictures of her brother and family, a bunch of junk food, and a giant sunflower. I mean, it’s HUGE, you don’t even know. Like, I’m waiting for it to eat one of the houseguests.
And then, we get MORE footage of Daniele crying in the round room. Dick promises her that he will be such an asshole that they’ll have to vote him out instead of her. People think that it’s some sort of strategy to do that, but whatever. He would have done it anyway, it only makes him feel like a martyr this way. Hate them! Quit feeling sorry for yourselves and play!
And now, what is possibly the worst fight ever to take place on this show. It’s definitely worse than anything in Season Six, and that’s saying something. Amber waddles through the living room (have you seen her walk?) with Jameka, who takes a seat at the dinner table. This is somehow offensive to Dick, so he starts in on her again about her Christianity. Jameka now considers this a personal attack, so she goes right for the jugular and attacks Dick’s mom. Like, she literally goes “your mama” at one point. It’s amazing. And then, Amber AGAIN comes in from out of nowhere and interjects herself into someone else’s argument, like, get off my screen, Weepy McBraidsalot. Dick gets pretty mean himself and talks about how Amber found God during her drug recovery (which, if you have not heard the story, she started doing crystal meth because her dog had to have surgery and she was sad about it), but it’s inappropriate to bring this up, and finding God while in drug recovery is actually pretty legitimate, if you ask me. What’s illegitimate is flaunting it in front of everyone and screeching about it at the top of your lungs like God is some sort of dinner theatre. So Dick tells Amber that she’s a fucking mess (correct) and that her daughter is going to end up a mess, too, which is waaaay below the belt. So Jameka scores the worst hit of the entire fight when she says, “At least her daughter talks to her and doesn’t have to be raised by somebody else.” Everyone I was watching the show with turned and looked at each other like, “Holy crap, BURN.”
Dick is visibly shaken at this and pretty much has no response, so he goes back to the same old well again and makes fun of Amber’s weight, which is sort of inappropriate and stupid. If Dick were actually good at berating people at all, he would be a lot more entertaining, but half the stuff he says doesn’t even make any sense, so he resorts to repeating the same thing over and over again. This argument shows that Jameka, were she to do the same thing as Dick, would be much more effective at it and better. Basically: Dick’s boring.
Amber, magically, doesn’t even cry or anything, because Dick is pretty much impotent at this point. Man, when you can’t make Amber cry, it’s time to hang it up. That’s like being such a bad cook that you can’t even make toast.
Amber, at her very Amber-est, is in the HoH wearing headphones, crying her ass off, and praying at full volume (in stark contrast to Jameka). She starts blabbering about asking for strength and the ability to stand up to people (which is something that it’s okay to pray about), and then starts praying about losing weight, to make her better at competitions, and to keep the milk fresh past its expiration date. It’s…really gross. The best part is when she sneezes and then says “Excuse me” to Jesus, because when you’re talking to the savior, it’s always important to have manners. He gets really pissed when you use the dessert fork on your salad.
My stepmom, during this segment: “What do you think she’s listening to?”
Me: “Probably 2pac.”
In the round room, in which Daniele is apparently showering and changing at this point, she makes an offer of amnesty to Jen in which they agree to watch each other’s back. Well, in order to watch Jen’s back, you’d have to…leave the room.
Time for the food competition, which involves the houseguests dressing up like rockstars in crazy wigs and leather pants (Jen’s Jem and the Holograms outfit is definitely the best), and breaking guitars in the backyard. Team 1 is Dick, Dustin, Daniele and Jen, and Team 2 is Zach, Eric, Jameka and Amber. Basically, the guitars will have either a slop card or a money card inside, and the first team to get twenty dollars signs gets to eat for the week. Guitar smashing begins, and Team 2 takes a pretty good lead from the beginning. According to Amber, this is because God has told her which guitars have the dollar cards in them, and her choices were made via divine intervention. God would like everyone to know that he would really, really like Amber to enjoy some tasty Cheetos this week. Amber is his favorite! The snack foods belong to her!
Amber’s team wins, but one of the guitars has a ‘slop pass’ in it, which is one by Dick. He tries to give it to Daniele, but she tells him to give it to Jen, which would be a good move if it weren’t so obvious, thereby negating its effect. Jen just stares straight ahead stoically, refusing to give Dick any sort of acknowledgement, which is awesome.
And now, footage of Zach dancing around the backyard for Jessica in his bunny suit. The goal of the segment is to tell us that Zach is slightly less creepy in his bunny suit than normal Zach. Amber tells us that she sort of thinks Zach is cute in the suit, but will not allow herself to succumb to the temptation that a creepy dude in a bunny suit brings. I…really want to see that prayer session.
Eric goes to get his America’s player instructions. Apparently, America wants him to get Dustin nominated. WTF? Dick is in the house, being, you know, himself, and so is Amber, and America wants Dustin? Whatever. So Eric and Dustin hang out in the hottub and Dustin is exceedingly drunk. Dustin waits until Dick finishes his cigarette and goes inside, and then calls him white trash so that he can’t hear, which is stupid. Then he screeches at someone off screen about how he wishes Jessica would put him up against Dick so that he can watch Dick get evicted by a 5-1 vote. I’m not sure it wouldn’t be tied, honestly, but whatever. At this, Eric looks over at him like, “Oh, really? This might be easier than I think.” So he goes to Jessica’s room and repeats the information to her, but you can tell that his heart sort of really isn’t in it at all. Dear America: if you keep this up, Amber is going to win. Do you really want that? Let’s at least give Eric a shot. Think about how many bad hairdos 500,000 dollars buys.
After the commercials, it’s time for Jessica to nominate people. We get the Pensive Stare of Who Should I Nominate. Dick tells us that he’s going to terrorize the house if he and Daniele get nominated (um…this is different how?). Jessica brings the nomination box in and pulls out Jameka’s key first. Then Jen actually gets her key, which I thought did not exist because we haven’t seen it in so long, and then Eric, Amber, Dustin and Zach get theirs, so Dick and Daniele are nominated. She straight up tells Dick and Daniele that this is revenge for trying to evict Eric, so they can basically eat it, which is awesome. She tells us that she’s actually going after Daniele because she is a better player, which I think is a pretty good move, although getting rid of Dick would be fun for everyone else. This season is good, y’all.