Big Love: Polygamists Like Dramatic Exits

If you had some peanut MandM’s I might be into this.

This week on Big Love, secrets are revealed, understatements are made, and everyone takes turns storming out of the room.

The show opens with a wholesome date complete with a roller skating waitress at an old fashioned drive up diner, where Bill has brought Ana. He’s making small talk about the Weather Channel. He doesn’t know how boring this is, I suppose, and Nikki pops her head between them, looking for fries. Her kid’s back there too. What did the polygamists do before minivans? Dating would’ve been a disaster, no? Barb rears her head to ask Ana if she enjoys gardening. I can’t believe that Ana hasn’t run screaming yet.

Bill and Margene are doing it. She’s really into it, and then all cute and cuddly like, she taps him on the shoulder and tells him to pull out. He ignores her. Tap tap, pull out. She’s ignored again. Then she more or less tells him that she is not kidding around here Bill, pull the hell out. It’s not my turn, so knock someone else up. Hey, while we’re on the subject, how is your sex life with Nikki? She hasn’t been knocked up in four years. What’s up with that shit? Bill is horrified. Can’t a man get any privacy? Nunya. Nunya biz, Margene.

Bill and Barb are in the kitchen, discussing the week’s events: Teeny’s athletic camp, more dates with Ana, Ben’s flag bearer thing. Bill doesn’t want to go to that shit though and asks Barb to cover it. Bill asks Barb why she thinks Nikki hasn’t been knocked up in four years, to which Barb has no response. Here’s my guess: since Nikki is evil, I would reason that it is no coincidence that she hasn’t gotten pregnant. She’s either on birth control, or she had her tubes tied or she’s giving herself abortions in the garage while Barb gardens and Bill watches the Weather Channel. Nobody would notice if she spent the night crying and looking like she was in pain, she usually looks this way.

Ana is on the phone with Margene complaining about how boring her date was with Bill and his whole family. Hallelujah. I’m starting to like Ana. Margene says something about it not being what she’s used to. Yeah, Ana is used to regular dates. You know, dinner, dancing, wine, and the occasional roofie and date rape. Gardening? So boring. Margene pleads with her not to bounce before their next date and hangs up on her when a sports bar distracts her. She’s feeling a beer while watching the game, I guess.

Adaleen is fretting about the two “Jane Doe’s”, the girls the state has dug up to testify against Roman, the prophet. If Roman were such a great Prophet, wouldn’t he know that already? Rhonda, the incredibly coy and manipulative fifteen year old that we haven’t seen yet this season, is one such Jane Doe, so I guess we can just call her Rhonda now, and not Jane. Adaleen bitches to Nikki that she should’ve been able to track her down, and they went to a lot of trouble to place her in such a covert spot. Cut to Nikki taking her hidden birth control. So much for my abortion in the garage theory.

Cathy hangs up the phone while Joey stands near and Wanda plays a creepy song on a Casio like organ. Cathy is the other Jane Doe, and she wants to tell Wanda all about it, but Joey knows better. C’mon now, Wanda poisons people for kicks. How could Cathy sit there and listen to that bizarre music and think it’s a good idea to tell her a big secret? She’s a little unstable. They’re screwed either way, she’s got one eyebrow cocked like she’s already hip to their secret.

Barb’s in a hospital getting tests done when a nurse tells her she’ll have to stay overnight. Bill will have to kick it to one of the other wives that night. Barb is back at home unpacking groceries when Margene glides in, beaming, because she just sold a bunch of video poker machines. Barb thinks that would be great, except that she was supposed to be home hours ago to relieve Nikki from watching all the children, and Nikki’s crazy pissed. Barb brings up that Nikki hasn’t been pregnant in a while, and Margene makes clear that she is not having the next baby.

Nikki walks in, looking more psychotic than usual. Barb tells Margene to pour Nikki some kool aid, which is a routine Nikki must know because she can’t hide the smug smirk on her face. Margene talks to the wives about spicing up their dating lives before they lose Ana, claiming that she is European, and therefore has higher standards. Nikki doesn’t get it. Hey, she got shotgun, what the hell else does she want? Wives 1 and 3 confront Nikki about not getting pregnant. Barb tries to be tactful, but Margene blurts it out. Nikki says maybe Bill’s parts are broken. Yeah, he’s a baby-making machine, so that’s not going to fly. She accuses Margene of breaking him, wearing him out. Is that possible? As a last resort, she drags the heavenly father into it, blames him and storms out.

Bill is in his office presenting a casino slide show, LDS style (no frills here), to Jerry with a bored and uncomfortable Don’s assistance. Jerry isn’t impressed. Don promised a model, not a slide show. Jerry tells them to bring him something “snazzy” to present to his tribal counsel in order to trump Trump. There’s some steep competition. Don storms out, head down. Bill chases after Don, annoyed, asking what the heck was that. Don tells him not to patronize him and that he isn’t going to have the money. He storms out again, so something’s up with Don.

Hope she’s found Nikki’s birth control stash.

Sarah is getting dressed while Scott watches. He asks her if she’s really going to go to Arizona, and if she’s doing it to get away from him, too. She claims that she isn’t, adamantly. He asks her when she’s going to tell them about it, and she storms out with him calling behind. Ok, that’s the third scene in a row that ends with someone huffing out of the room.

Bill tries to put the moves on Nikki later while they’re in bed but she’s not into it. She slams him for going outside of their marital bonds to discuss her not getting knocked up. He offers some Bible quotes; boy, does Bill know how to get a girl hot or what? She reminds him that she’s read that book too, and probably a little more thoroughly. Bill urges her to go to a doctor. She claims that what she could really use was a blessing from her father in prison. She’s pretty sure that will do the trick, which is just priceless. Then they both get up and storm out of the room. (No, not really, I just was expecting them to.)

Wanda goes to pay Alby a visit. She tells him to assign Cathy to someone else other than her husband or “who knows what I’ll do”, which is code for “I’m going to attempt to kill somebody.” Hey, it’s what she’s good at. Alby gives Wanda some load of crap about how he cares for Cathy about as much as cares for her, which is garbage, since she tried to kill him, and how deeply saddened he’d be if something happened to her. Wanda stares at him inquisitively for a moment, trying to piece this one together. Is that sarcasm? Hmmm? Did she just get the go-ahead to axe her sister wife? Nice.

Sarah tells Barb about some missed Dr’s phone call, but Barb claims it’s just her annual check up. Sarah tries to gingerly tell Barb about wanting to go to Arizona. Barb is baffled. For one, it’s too expensive. What would Sarah have to get away from anyway? Jeez, Sarah, what’s your problem? Why are multiple wives, and familial statutory rape charges such a problem for you? Sarah lists the reasons why, but Barb doesn’t really get it. Sarah storms out. (More storming!)

Nikki and Bill are in the prison getting a blessing from Roman, after which Roman asks to have a word with Bill alone. Roman tells Bill to find Rhonda and convince her not testify. Bill says yeah, right, as if. Roman tells him he will put his entire family on the stand to testify against Rhonda’s credibility, which is more or less nil, even though she isn’t lying in this case. Bill is smoking pissed about being straight up blackmailed by the archaic prophet. Seriously, Harry Dean Stanton looks like he’s 120 years old. How the hell is he getting it up for his fifteen-year-old wives? Gross.

Bill and Barb are in the basement talking in loud whispers about all the chaos around them; scandalous Roman, Sarah’s expensive school, moving forward on Weber gaming and how the trial is poison. Nikki eavesdrops until Margene walks in, bearing flowers for Ana. She confronts Nikki about whether or not she wants to have more children, and Nikki does the old Heavenly Father song and dance. Margene calls her on her bullshit. Atta girl. Bill and Margene emerge from the basement and Ben asks his father if he’s coming to see the flag bearer thing. Bill says he didn’t know about it, and Barb throws him right under the bus. Ben looks really disappointed. Good job Bill.

Sarah is in the break room at her fast food job with Heather and another co-worker who reveals herself as a whore as soon as Ben and “Uncle” Frankie walk in. They introduce their still beat up Uncle as an escapee of the compound and the coworker makes eyes at him as boring Mormon Heather gets to work on saving his soul and Sarah bitches about Dad taking a new wife instead of sending her to college. Frankie looks like he’s going to dig the outside world as Donna (the whore co-worker) throws herself at him. She eludes to sex, which Frankie says he knows all about by watching the farm animals on the compound, their own personal version of porn.

Margene is gushing on and on about how she sold the poker machines in attempt to charm Ana while Nikki acts openly bored and annoyed on their cozy fivesome date. The wives start squabbling about who gets to work and who should stay home and take care of the babies. Barb tries to change the subject, but Nikki jumps right back in, claiming her job is really important for her self-esteem. It’s also paramount to sabotaging her father’s case, but no one has picked up on that scandal yet.

It would seem to me that no one actually wants Ana in the family, as this must be a sure fire way to run her off. Ana’s judgment is questionable anyway. Anyone shopping for cock in the polygamist-Mormon section has got to have deep seeded emotional problems. Nikki and Margene start to clean up in an awkward moment, and Bill chases down Margene to tell her about the Weber gaming meeting the next day. She’s his lucky charm, but as an added advantage she should wear that hot red dress of hers. Barb chases after the other wives to continue squabbling, leaving Ana by herself with baby Nell, and then Bill. Bill apologizes about his family’s inept dating skills, but Ana says it’s fine, although her face looks like she may finally be thinking she should cut and run. I mean really, Bill must be just magic in the sack to make this look appealing.

Alby visits Joey to tell him about Wanda’s threats. Joey claims that Wanda has difficulty resolving conflict, which is the understatement of the year. Alby references the trial and how he has already lost two witnesses, and threatens to send Wanda far away if she messes with Cathy. So I guess that wasn’t sarcasm, he really would be saddened. Joey tells him to get the hell out of there. They don’t show it, but you can be sure that Alby storms off.

Bill and Margene are at the office when Don comes in looking like a hot mess, sweating and pulling drawers out while looking for a pen. Bill tells him he’s a jackass and to not come to the meeting if he’s going to be like this. Maybe he’s drunk. He tells Bill that if they can’t work together, maybe they should part ways and then guess what he did? That’s right, he peeled out of the office, just as Jerry was walking in, looking less amused than usual. Bill and Margene go to work on their presentation, but Jerry isn’t having it. He notices Don’s behavior, mentions the polygamy scandal in the papers and surmises that it’s probably not such a good time.

Margene stands by her man and goes to bat for Bill. She says that if they’re subject to be compared to Roman Grant, then that is prejudice and bigotry and that would be the same is if they viewed Jerry as a “dirty Indian or some drunken lazy redskin.” Ooh, Margene, poor choice of words. Where’s your filter, girl? Jerry is horrified and leaves. Bill is beside himself, bewildered by his wife’s stupidity. Bill’s lucky charm is not so lucky after all.

Bill catches Don’s wife, Peg as he walks a flustered Margene out. He prods her about Don’s wacky behavior. He chases her around the office, accusing her of poisoning him with her notions on gambling. Peg spills the beans; Don’s other two wives took their children and split, and they are now “sadly monogamous.” So it’s not all about you, Bill, ok? He’s so selfish.

Barb’s lying in a hospital bed, eyeing her bandage where the biopsy was taken and goading the doctor for an opinion. The doctor offers none, and brings the bad news that its policy that she come up with a ride before she can check out. Barb ponders whom she will trust with her secret.

Don is sobbing and Bill is offering his condolences. He doesn’t have any rights to his children, and pursuing them could lead to his exposure. He’s been counseled to leave it alone by his lawyers, and he’s inconsolable. Bill’s phone rings, he picks up and tells Barb he can’t talk until he’s cut off and his face drops.

Barb and Bill talk sadly about the potential cancer. Barb takes comfort in her growing family. She insists that it needs to keep growing, and they discuss whether Ana is the right next wife for them. This is not a good day for Bill.

Nikki goes to see Adaleen in her van that’s not down by the river but you get the idea. She questions her mother about her resentment of having a lot of children. Adaleen expounds upon the benefits and power of having a large litter of kids. She sees through Nikki’s nonsense quickly and figures out that she’s not having children on purpose. She tells Nikki she’s being foolish, and accuses her of being “a little bit selfish”, another sweeping understatement.

Wanda is massaging her bird’s a-hole, no kidding, and explains to Lois that the bird “can’t poop.” She coyly inquires as to where she could get such a bird when Frank Sr. and Jodine come in. Jodine tries to make nice-nice with Lois, but she throws them out quickly and firmly. Frank tells Jodine to wait outside and attacks Lois, swearing that she will come to respect him. Lois tells him he took her heart and soul thirty years before and to just go ahead and do her in if he wanted. Frank obliges and starts to choke the life out of Lois. Wanda grabs a kitchen knife but can’t bear to watch so she’s making stabbing motions with one hand while covering her eyes with the other with the bird perched on her shoulder. Hysterical. Frankie Jr.’s mother comes in and clocks him with a frying pan.

Cut the tail off the donkey.

Ana calls Bill and bails on their date because she doesn’t see where she could fit in with Bill and his other wives. I think it’s pretty clear that they mean to make her a baby-making machine, but she can’t see it. Ana needs a therapist to work out these insecurity complexes. It doesn’t take a genius to see that there is always room for another woman in a polygamist family. My regard for Ana is really touch and go at this point. Backstab Bill tells Nikki about Barb’s cancer and she has a meltdown, pacified only by Barb’s entrance to start dinner. Barb tells Nikki she has to talk to her about something, and Nikki reacts as if it were the cancer. She’s less sweet and more good old Nikki when she realizes it’s about her inability to conceive. Barb has made an appointment at a fertility clinic for the next day and announces that all the wives will be going. Nikki is so screwed.

Frank’s wife is freaking out about hitting him in the head, afraid she’s going to be banished from the compound. Lois slaps her and tells her to get it together and get those other wives out of here. Wanda faces the wall looking crazier than ever as Lois drags an unconscious Frank out of the house.

Frankie brings the fast food crew and Ben to see the polygamy flophouse all the other cast outs have been hiding at. It’s a den of debauchery, and Donna the whore is fascinated while boring Heather looks on in horror. Some dowdy looking teenage chick in a pilgrim dress calls Sarah Satan’s tool. Scott stalked Sarah here, and tells her he’ll come with her to Arizona. She tells him to beat it, that she doesn’t think he’s the right guy for her anymore. C’mon man, Sarah is a hot eighteen year old, and you’re in your thirties, Scott. Did you really think she was going to commit to your old ass? She’s moving on to her younger Uncle, of course, a far more suitable match for her. Scott flips out and leaves. Frankie consoles Sarah until Heather finds Rhonda’s room in the hide-out, and Frankie admits to having a thing going on with Rhonda, Sarah’s grandmother.

Margene fixes Bill’s tie while he softly tells her that she blew it and that there is no way in hell that he is going to bring her to try and make things right with Jerry. She looks downtrodden, but shakes it off. Bill chases Jerry down, and he tells Bill that he thinks what Margene said had some truth to it. Bill gives some hokey speech about their similarities as prejudiced people, and Jerry reluctantly is won over. They firmly shake hands.

Nikki goes to see the fertility specialist with Margene and Barb waiting in the lobby. Margene tells Barb she’s going to backburner her sales dreams, for now, to be a mother. She doesn’t tell her she’s got to work on her people skills. Nikki tells the doctor that she was on birth control, and that she doesn’t really want to have more children. He tells her she has choices, and she chooses to take a renewed script for the pill.

Bill is at the flag bearer thing for Ben, which as it turns out, is Ben raising an American flag. What’s the big deal? In another hokey speech, Bill convinces Don to apply for the loan for the casino. Don’s new monogamous state coincided quite nicely with their endeavors that will entail loans and investigations. It isn’t Bill’s greed and selfishness that is so annoying, but that it’s always hiding behind the heavenly father. If I were the heavenly father, I’d be so annoyed that all these people keep putting all their bullshit on him. What if poker and slots isn’t his thing? What if he’s much more a horse race kind of guy? Bill’s so presumptuous.

Bill calls Lois to tell her how excited he is that he got to be in public with all of his children. She congratulates her son as she tightens the gag on a bound Frank. I didn’t know that Mormons were into S&M. I’m a little surprised, but I guess Lois could rock some leather pants as well as any other seventy-year-old. Next week, I anticipate Frank begging her to throw ham at him.

Sarah is rocking back and forth crying on her bed with a book about options for young mothers in her lap. Bombshell. I thought she looked a little bit chubby, but didn’t want to say anything. I’ve congratulated non-pregnant chubby women before and it’s a little awkward.

Bill brings the entire clan minus Sarah to Ana’s house for an indoor picnic and Barb gets the call that she does not have cancer. She’s overwhelmed with joy for a moment, but then takes a good hard look around the room. She’s suddenly acutely aware of the circus she’s a part of, again; Barb has gone through this phase before. Shit, she’s the ringleader’s assistant.