Biggest Loser: A Pound of Flesh

Hi!  We’re back with a full blown two hour extravaganza of Biggest Loser.  Is it worth the extra hour?  Well, if you absolutely crave 42 minutes of flashbacks then this is your cup of unsweetened Green Tea.  We’ll try and cut through all that and get to the fun stuff.

Before the lean meat of the show can get started, we’re forced to watch a bunch of those aforementioned flashbacks and the only thing I want to point out here is that this is week 19.  Nineteen.  It kind of takes your breath away.  That these players have come so far?  No.  That we’re all more motivated and inspired people?  Maybe.  The key is—nineteen weeks is a really long time, but the end is near…in a good way, not apocalyptic way of course.  We are down to the final five and in case you have blacked out for most of those 19 weeks, they are:  Olivia (Meh), Hannah (has grown on me), Irene (will never grow on me), Jay (also meh) and Austin (who is my clear favorite and who I’m sure I’ve doomed just by picking him as my favorite).  After about 3 minutes of Week 1 video, all five of these players tell us all how much they want it and they can’t believe they’ve made it this far and blah, blah, blah.  What else are they going to say?  They’d kill their own mother for a milkshake?

If it is chocolate, then hell yes!

We start in the sisters’ room and they show off their original shirts.  Yep, they’re huge.  The shirts that is.  And they are all still very bright as if they’ve never been washed or BL ranch has some kick ass detergent.  We get more of the “can’t believe we’re still here” talk and I’m already feeling cheated about the second hour we are enduring filled with nothing but “I can’t believe it”.

Personally, I can’t believe two grown women hold hands as much as these two do.

I love my sisters but the only way I’m grabbing their hands is if they are falling into a muddy mountain crevice and I’m the only one who can save their lives.  That doesn’t happen often.  We now join all the players in their living room or as I like to call it “The room with really large bowls of fruit”.  Alison joins the group and they all act surprised to see her, but we all know they heard the “squish, squish, squish” of her jacket minutes before she entered the room.

Totally not a spy.

Alison questions Jay about his second chance and we get to relive the splendid Tim Gunn saving his butt last week.  Alison tells the group they are the fittest contestants they’ve ever had on the ranch and since she feels like they’ve learned so much, they’ve decided this is “Final Exams” week.  Hannah is immediately worried, stressing she’s not much of a student.  Olivia is not worried at all because she is a self-proclaimed nerd.

I know!  I about fell off the couch with that confession.

Irene pipes up this is for her because she’s been in school for 8 years.  Yep, 10^th grade is tough.  HA!  Alison explains the trainers will be judging and there are four different parts.  They will teach Bob how to spin, do a boxing exercise with Cara, discuss healthy science-type stuff with Brett and motivation class with Jillian.  Whoever gets the best final grade will win $10,000.

Exam#1:  Spinning with Bob

As always, Bob is spot on…

Irene does a terrible job because she doesn’t even talk about seat height, etc.  Fail.  Olivia is up next and she absolutely nails it, earning a perfect 100%.  Jay comes in and the first thing he wants to do is take the seat of the machine, in the hopes to be creative and fully motivate his “student”.

It is taking every bit of his positive energy not to laugh at Jay right now.

That is such a monumentally bad idea, even I was laughing.  The thought of losing your balance and falling on the rod that holds the seat makes parts of my body hurt just thinking about it.  Jay:  Fail.  Austin fares much better, earning a 95%.  I didn’t really think Olivia was better, but she’s apparently the teacher’s pet and that is just the way life is, I guess.  It doesn’t end after college.  Hannah comes in and introduces herself to Bob, which for some reason really impresses the hell out of him.  So, basically, if you don’t giggle the entire time (Irene) or threaten the safety and reproductive system of your student (Jay), Bob’s kind of a big pushover.  Spin Exam completed.

Exam #2:  Sciency stuff with Brett

Oh, good gracious…Parents:  Keep your children away

Brett explains his Dad has been a professor at Princeton for forty years and he’s really proud of him.  His Dad, that is.  We have no idea if Princeton Prof is proud of Brett.  He may have been before this episode aired.  He starts each student with a question about anaerobic exercise and Irene is giggling again and then answers the question wrong.  About three times.  Am I the only one who doesn’t care for her personality?  Everyone else does okay with the question and the nutrition test Brett has.  Well, Hannah blew the nutrition test.  I’m sure THAT won’t come back to bite her later.  At this point, I’ve completely lost track of who had what points, but I’m not worried.  BL is the king/queen of repeating information, so we won’t be in the dark long.

Exam #3:  Boxing with Cara

Or a breath test…not sure

Cara is so over the top with this “No smiling, act like a fighter” thing.  It will be the one time I will defend Irene’s giggles.  I’d have the church giggles so bad if this chick looked me in the face (1 inch a way, no less) and acted like she wanted to beat me up.  Girl, please.  Hannah has a hard time with the laughing too and she tells Cara that from that close proximity, Cara’s eyes look crossed.  HA!  Irene kind of stinks at the boxing thing too and she kind of explains to us her confusion with the right hand and the left hand.

And suddenly, my eyes are crossed…

Exam #4:  Motivation with Jillian

Sadly, this does not involve screaming, bulging forehead veins and spittle, which I really thought were her keys to successful motivation.  It is actually Jillian playing the role of the poor, sad, overweight week 1-18 contestant.  It is a role playing exercise and all the contestants do pretty well at this one.  Hannah even points out she’s a little alarmed that this is how she actually sounds.  Welcome to our world.

Writing:  Mrs. Jillian Michaels.  I heart Jillian.  Jillian and Jillian forever…

And now the group meets with Alison who explains the final challenge.  It involves playing a video game and although House of Dead would be kind of fun, it is unfortunately not that kind of game.  It is of course the BL Ultimate Workout on Xbox and Alison explains the scoring on this final test.

And the explanation is spotty at best…

The players meet their avatars and go through a series of exercises while video game Bob coaches them.  The sisters dominate this challenge and Austin and Jay pretty much give up.  Winner of this exam is Hannah and as the points for all 5 exams are totaled, we find out that Jay is dead last (way to go after that 2^nd, 3^rd chance!), then Irene, Austin and the top two are Hannah and Olivia.  Olivia edges out her sister by 3 points and wins the $10,000.

Back in the gym, they’re all working out and this is just really another series of flashbacks.

Zzzzzzz….

Jillian is tormenting Jay and eventually reduces him to tears and a crash off the stair climber.

“And I’ve had…the time of my life…”

Austin tells us he is now unbelievably focused.  I think that has a lot to do with his makeover.

Week 1-17

“I can see clearly now, the rain is gone…”

Olivia is working with Cara and tells her she is a champion.

“I’m a winner!  I’m a champion!  I’m a…completely lost…hello?  Anyone have GPS?  This ranch is HUGE!”

Cara does a little odd product placement thing with Austin while he’s eating his breakfast.  She’s going on and on (and on) about calories and milk, etc and you know Austin is just trying to be polite and listen.  What he’s really thinking?

“Thanks for the now-soggy cereal.  I get about 1500 calories per day and you just ruined 200 of them…”

Challenge time!

“Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto“

The challenge is pretty simple.  There are huge platforms for each of the players.  They have to stack heavy sandbags on each platform to reach the top and hit a button.  The winner gets a 1lb advantage, which as you know and the players don’t fail to tell us 8 million different ways how important this 1lb is at this stage in the competition.  All three girls insist a girl needs to win because as Olivia puts it (kind of), Austin has pounds to spare.

Just rude, school nerd

Hannah is struggling bending over to pick up the bags because of her bad back (broken, I believe?) history.  Austin tells us this a tortoise’s race…

Not a hare’s…

Sorry, I just love that picture.  Olivia and Irene put up a pretty good fight, but this is Austin’s to win, which he does.  He’s thrilled he won the prize and even more happy to win his first individual challenge.  He feels really confident at this point.  Too confident, methinks?   The rest of the contestants finish up and they all head to Subway, for some first class product placement which of course, I fast forwarded.  Somehow, Hannah won a $500.00 gift card to Subway and as long as she doesn’t use it all in one week, she can avoid “Biggest Loser Couples—Redemption Ranch”.  And now it is time for the LAST CHANCE WORKOUT!!!

It is all guys in the gym and Brett insists on referring to himself and Bob as the “Killer B’s”, but I couldn’t help point it out, because Brett?

We were a little unclear on just how much of a total dork you are.  Thanks!

Cara comes in with the girls and Bob starts working with them.  I notice Jay still has that 250 sharpied on his arm.  LOL.  Has it been there since he first wrote it on?  Olivia keeps talking about how important it is that she and her sister make it to the final four.

She is ready for her cameo on Mad Men

Cara is boxing with the girls and tells us she has no idea who will be below the yellow line and this is the FIRST time she really doesn’t know.  What show does she think we’ve been watching?  She’s been clueless this entire time.  There is no Jillian during this last chance workout.  Man, she is really coasting her last season.  If I weren’t petrified of her, I’d berate her.

It’s all good..you just relax and take it easy…please don’t hurt me…

Weigh in time.  Let’s all chant together:  FINALFOURFINALFOURFINALFOUR.  Hey, did you know this whole show was about the final four?  If this were a show that we would take shots every time someone said that, we’d all be wasted, naked and wearing lampshades.  If you’re doing that anyway, then God love ya..

Alison is going to break into “I Love Rock and Roll” and for our aesthetic pleasure tonight, she is featuring a necklace that celebrates moles.

Seriously, if they come out with bracelets that look like age spots, then I’m all in!!

Before they get on the scale, Alison offers Olivia a choice.  She can either keep the $10,000 or take the 1lb advantage.  Austin has the opposite choice.  Jillian starts freaking out, calling Olivia a pencil and saying she doesn’t have much more to lose!  Which is kind of a bad argument, because quite honestly?  I think Olivia would have a tough time beating one of the guys to win the final prize.  Bob is more confident in Olivia which freaks Jillian out even more and Bob defends himself to Jillian.

“I’m the cautious one!  I ride bikes with seats!”

Austin wisely keeps the 1lb, because he has a legitimate shot to win the whole thing.  Olivia takes the money.  Which causes a myriad of dramatic face gestures from Jillian.

“Stupid.”

“Effing…”

“Whore”

Okay, maybe she wasn’t thinking that, but maybe she should have joined that last chance workout.  Working out reduces stress.  Yay!  I’m a motivator.  Hannah is up to the scale first.  Last week:  154lbs.  This week:  150lbs.  Four pounds is pretty good and she’s very proud of herself.  Irene is next.  Last week she was at 152lbs.  This week:  147lbs.  As much as I don’t care for Irene’s personality, that is pretty darned amazing.  You have to think the producers wouldn’t be too thrilled to have her win this whole thing.  The winner usually makes appearances and gets into kind of a motivating business on their behalf.  Her motivation for me?

To fast forward…

Jay’s turn.  Last week he was at 255lbs and now he’s at 246lbs, so good for him!  Now he really needs to remove that stupid 250 prison tat from his arm.  Instead of Jillian being all happy for him, she’s more like “about freakin’ time”.  HAHA.  And just like that Hannah’s smile turned into a frown.  Olivia is next and she has to lose more than 5lbs to be safe.  Last week, she was at 158lbs and this week:  153lbs.  Wah, wah…Alison can’t help to bring up that 1lb advantage that would have put her over the top and she defends her 5lbs as not a bad thing at all.  This, of course, makes Jillian lose her shit again and she goes on and on about the worst case scenario of both sisters below the yellow line.  She throws off a “Sorry, Austin”, which he laughs at, but I have to tell you absolutely pissed me off.  This show has favored these sisters so much, it is absolutely disgusting.  And Austin, who has worked his tail off and never complained, never faltered (maybe early on—I don’t remember) gets treated like this at the weigh in?  I call this BS and yes, Jillian—you are a bitch to do this to him.  I’m not scared of you anymore and I’ve been wanting to move to a new town and change my name.

I’m glad you’re laughing, my man, because I am seething

Austin gets up to the scale and as much as I would love to report he knocks it out of the ballpark, he does not.  He loses just one pound and knows he’s gone.  He immediately starts crying and you would think that would put a thaw on the coldness that fills Jillian’s chest, but it is Cara who speaks up with a lame, “We’re proud of you.”  Hugs all around and although we know the inevitable, they go through the voting process anyway.  And Austin is officially out of the game.  Really, really sad.  He seems like such a good kid and we see he does great at home, but on the ranch he was surrounded by a coven and had no shot if he stumbled even one week.

So…I’m throwing Jay’s name in there (hopefully not dooming him too) as the one I want to win.  I am sick of the sisters, almost through no fault of their own but because of the obvious favoritism thrown their way and you all know my thoughts on Irene.  Sigh.  Two more weeks.

I’ll be on vacation next week, so someone else will get us to the final two and I’ll be back for the big finale!

Thanks for joining me!